I 28(f) have 3 children, 9(m), 5(m) and almost 1(f). My two boys are from a previous relationship and my husband is the father of our daughter. For context, we live with MIL due to her needing help with bills. I love my MIL, she’s been a great support system and loves the kids but she has an issue with interfering a little too much.
Whenever there is a problem with the older kids ( them not listening, talking back, doing something they know they shouldn’t be) she needs to get involved. Even before my husband or I try to take care of the issue ourselves she trys to be the parent. When we do correct them she still needs to always put her 2 cents in and also tells us what she would do instead. We’ve also caught her not listening to us as far as rules we’ve set in place and things we’ve asked her not to do. For example, we’ve asked MIL not to place our daughter in MIL’s bed for a nap because she can wake up at any moment and decided to crawl off but she continues to do so. That’s just one example.
We continuously tell her we are the parents and need to be the ones to parent first, unless we aren’t around to do so at the moment. She also does little things like calls our daughter “her baby”, has seen something my daughter is wearing and has said “I have something just like that, I could put it on and we could match” has said how much my daughter resembles her and she even mentioned to me one day how she “accidently” told my daughter to “come to mommy” when she was on the floor crawling.
The last straw was when she had our daughter on her bed and my husband was standing in the doorway of her room, our daughter was crawling around and got a little too close to the edge for my husband’s comfort, so he reacted and reached his hands out and slightly launched himself to the bed. MIL started yelling at him about how “she’s fine, I was right here” etc and my husband told her she’s his daughter and it made him uncomfortable. MIL then continued saying ” how do you think you survived as a baby” etc.
I lost my cool, I heard everything from the kitchen and stormed to her room, grabbed my daughter and told her she needed to back off and stop playing a parent role, she’s not my children’s parents, she’s their grandma, and if we’re not comfortable with something she needs to respect that. It’s been super tense in the house the last couple of days,AITA?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
I 28(f) have 3 children, 9(m), 5(m) and almost 1(f). My two boys are from a previous relationship and my husband is the father of our daughter. For context, we live with MIL due to her needing help with bills. I love my MIL, she’s been a great support system and loves the kids but she has an issue with interfering a little too much. Whenever there is a problem with the older kids ( them not listening, talking back, doing something they know they shouldn’t be) she needs to get involved. Even before my husband or I try to take care of the issue ourselves she trys to be the parent. When we do correct them she still needs to always put her 2 cents in and also tells us what she would do instead. We’ve also caught her not listening to us as far as rules we’ve set in place and things we’ve asked her not to do. For example, we’ve asked MIL not to place our daughter in MIL’s bed for a nap because she can wake up at any moment and decided to crawl off but she continues to do so. That’s just one example. We continuously tell her we are the parents and need to be the ones to parent first, unless we aren’t around to do so at the moment. She also does little things like calls our daughter “her baby”, has seen something my daughter is wearing and has said “I have something just like that, I could put it on and we could match” has said how much my daughter resembles her and she even mentioned to me one day how she “accidently” told my daughter to “come to mommy” when she was on the floor crawling. The last straw was when she had our daughter on her bed and my husband was standing in the doorway of her room, our daughter was crawling around and got a little too close to the edge for my husband’s comfort, so he reacted and reached his hands out and slightly launched himself to the bed. MIL started yelling at him about how “she’s fine, I was right here” etc and my husband told her she’s his daughter and it made him uncomfortable. MIL then continued saying ” how do you think you survived as a baby” etc. I lost my cool, I heard everything from the kitchen and stormed to her room, grabbed my daughter and told her she needed to back off and stop playing a parent role, she’s not my children’s parents, she’s their grandma, and if we’re not comfortable with something she needs to respect that. It’s been super tense in the house the last couple of days,AITA?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I yelled at my MIL and told her she wasn’t my children’s parents and to back off, I could have gone about it in a different way instead of yelling and making her feel bad.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Oh hell no NTA! You are absolutely right to set, and enforce, boundaries. If she doesn’t respect that, then bills or no bills, she can’t live in the same place. I’m guessing she never had a daughter and sees your daughter as her chance to be a ‘girl mummy’. Squash that right now, it’s deluded and oh-so-creepy!
She needs to learn to be the grandma (which I understand is a lot more fun anyway), and leave the parenting to you and DH.
NTA, but since you live in her home (right? I guess it’s unclear if she moved in with you or you with her), and has been unresponsive to your (completely reasonable) requests that she change her behavior, you might need to reconsider your living situation as it seems unlikely she’ll change – so if you want a change you might have to make it happen yourself.
NTA, I would feel ashamed if I did that with my sibling’s kids.
Make a different living arrangement where you don’t live with MIL.
NTA. But this isn’t going away. You’re living in her home. She feels a sense of ownership, and she doesn’t respect your boundaries. You only have two choices: continue a never-ending battle for dominance, or move out.
And that’s it. That’s where it begins and that’s where it ends. I know you were hoping for something easier, but you’re not going to get it. And just for funsies, all this extra friction is going to poison your marriage, too. I bet you’ve already started squabbling over stupid shit because of the extra stress, haven’t you? You’re going to begin to resent your husband for forcing you to live with his shrieking mother, and he’s going to start resenting you for not working harder to keep the peace.
You have got to get your family out of there now, or it’ll happen later under much more dire circumstances. And then MIL gets the satisfaction of having her baby boy all to herself again while she whispers into his ear how you were never good enough for him anyway.
Get out.
Good for you. Your house, your rules
You are doing her a favor by living there. She needs to be reminded that you can easily get your own place at any time. Kind of stupid to cut off your nose to spite your face. She needs to start showing a little gratitude by respecting your role as parents.
NTA But if you’re just living with her to help with her bills, you should move out. If she can’t respect your boundaries, why should you help pay her bills?
Nta. I think you need a sit down chat with her and to tell her firmly that if things don’t change asap, then she will need to find somewhere else to live. It’s a difficult situation. But she’s overstepped your boundaries many times and hasn’t listened. So it’s time to step it up. Live by your rules or get out. The way it’s going now will just turn to resentment. So get it sorted before that.