So last year, I(37f) went no contact with my younger sister(35f). She is bipolar and a alcoholic and will message me randomly at all hours of the night complaining about her life or other members of our family. Well in all this, she has a tendency to forget factual memories and insert mad up ones. Currently, she believes our father is dead and that he was amazing and misses him and thinks I and my mother are awful people for not caring about him (he was also an alcoholic and my mother’s abuser).
I went no contact because while drunk, she contacted me and left a Wall of texts about how she hated me, I was a goody two shoes, grimy and disloyal, called my son(5m) (my miracle Rainbow child) a Ahole, and said she couldn’t wait to laugh when my husband leaves me like the last one. I went low contact a few months prior, due to her previous bad behavior and refusal to listen to any advice offered to her.
So, today my mother brought her up while we had lunch and how she was blocked again from my sister because they got into a disagreement last week. She then told me how my sister sounded drunk while they spoke. I interrupted her and asked her to repeat herself, so she did. I lost it and started bawling. Two weeks ago, she told me my sister is currently pregnant with her 4th child. I am struggling to get pregnant and stay that way, I’ve had fertility issues my whole adult life. Once I calmed down, I told I was sorry, but I could no longer talk about my sister anymore with her or hear about her. It hurts me too much to learn about her mistreatment of my mother, her own children or anyone else. I just couldn’t do it anymore. She got quiet and changed the subject, but I could tell it hurt her a bit.
So AITA to my mom here?
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So last year, I(37f) went no contact with my younger sister(35f). She is bipolar and a alcoholic and will message me randomly at all hours of the night complaining about her life or other members of our family. Well in all this, she has a tendency to forget factual memories and insert mad up ones. Currently, she believes our father is dead and that he was amazing and misses him and thinks I and my mother are awful people for not caring about him (he was also an alcoholic and my mother’s abuser).
I went no contact because while drunk, she contacted me and left a Wall of texts about how she hated me, I was a goody two shoes, grimy and disloyal, called my son(5m) (my miracle Rainbow child) a Ahole, and said she couldn’t wait to laugh when my husband leaves me like the last one. I went low contact a few months prior, due to her previous bad behavior and refusal to listen to any advice offered to her.
So, today my mother brought her up while we had lunch and how she was blocked again from my sister because they got into a disagreement last week. She then told me how my sister sounded drunk while they spoke. I interrupted her and asked her to repeat herself, so she did. I lost it and started bawling. Two weeks ago, she told me my sister is currently pregnant with her 4th child. I am struggling to get pregnant and stay that way, I’ve had fertility issues my whole adult life. Once I calmed down, I told I was sorry, but I could no longer talk about my sister anymore with her or hear about her. It hurts me too much to learn about her mistreatment of my mother, her own children or anyone else. I just couldn’t do it anymore. She got quiet and changed the subject, but I could tell it hurt her a bit.
So AITA to my mom here?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I may be TA because my mother doesn’t have a lot of friends or family members to talk to and is disabled so she cannot get out to distract herself without me taking her. I have been her caregiver for over a decade.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, and I don’t blame you for protecting your peace. Tell your mom you love her and understand her need to vent, but right now you just can’t emotionally handle it.
You are not the asshole, it creates a lot of resentment and parents also forget that this puts a strain on the relationship with the child that is the “support system”. It may hurt your mom, but she cannot run to you everytime.
What you can do is set boundaries, perhaps she does not have to tell you everything or wait that you ask. If you have no contact, she has to respect that as well. Talking about her counteracts that.
NTA. Your mom is just needing to vent. She’s frustrated that your sister is what she is, so she’s not exactly the asshole either. But she does need to realize that using you as her therapist when it concerns your sibling isn’t very healthy, especially with the sensitivity and vulnerability you have about it. Setting a boundary is perfectly fair. Mom needs to save the venting for her friends, or an actual therapist.
Definitely NTA.
Your mom should not be venting about a person who is essentially an abuser, to a person they abused. That’s just not cool.
NTA but what does it cost you to just listen and sympathize and support your mother? I had an older sister that was bipolar and an addict with children. My mom did her best to try and get my sister help, calling doctors that were over prescribing her, trying to get her into rehabs etc, while simultaneously trying to take care of my sister’s children. This was both a heavy physical and emotional burden for my mother. She talked to me at great length, daily, about what she was going through to the point that accomplishments, achievements and even the bad in my life were not fully recognized by my mother. But I understood the weight of what she was going through. I told my sister to never call me or contact me while she was using or I would hanging up on her and to her credit she never did except one time she remembered it was my birthday and called me. I could tell she was high but I was just grateful she even remembered my birthday. That was the last phone call I ever got from her. Unfortunately we lost my sister to her addiction about 15 years ago and I am forever grateful for the time I spent listening and supporting my mother. I know I helped to get her through this. If you’ve never dealt with a mother that has lost a child you have no idea what that is like. My mother will NEVER be the same person she was the day before my sister died. I supported her through the funeral and continue to support her today. I can’t imagine what my relationship with her would be like today if I hadn’t been there for her and what I would be feeling about myself. I’m 20 years older than you, think long and hard before you fully commit to this. My absolute best to you and your mother. I hope your sister gets the help she needs before it’s too late. Addiction is an ugly thing.
Put her on indefinite hold, while you hope and wait.
I have bipolar I disorder. Having been through many delusional episodes and having made a mess of my life, I fully recognize that my friends and loved ones had every right to tune me out when I was manic. That includes when I was in the grips of substance use disorder and alcohol use disorder.
That said, human beings that can only tolerate so much. They had the right to tune out my mania, but they showed their love for me by not disowning me. When I came to my senses (and when I demonstrated, over a long period of time, that I had come back to my senses) they were there to accept me back into their lives.
That is all that can be expected of you. She cannot expect you to endure the pain of her abuse, or the abuse that she inflicts on others around her. She cannot expect you to stand by and watch her self-destruct. She can only hope that you will be there to welcome her with open arms if she ever decides to stick to her meds and get better.
Do not feel guilty. That is not your obligation.
NTA
It could be a productive venting if she found a good therapist. I’m a firm believer that everyone can benefit from therapy anyway. If you add in the substance abuse/ recovery cycle, you should seek family therapy. Al-Anon would be a great place to start. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Even if no one else will go, you should do the therapy yourself. I think you’re very courageous, too often it isn’t easy to stand up for yourself. I’m proud of you for that. 👏🏼 You are brave. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are ENOUGH. Don’t let anyone take that away from you. Good luck! Sincerely. I have an older sister I haven’t seen or spoken to for many years. It’s a rough road. I’m sending you a big mama bear hug across the miles. 🌹