I (23F) got invited to my boyfriend’s (22M) family Thanksgiving. We have been together for 1 year, and he’s met my parents twice. A few weeks ago, my mom offered to visit me for Thanksgiving, but she also said it was fine if I had plans with friends. I told her I wasn’t sure yet, and we never officially made plans together.
Earlier this week, I was on the phone with my mom catching up. She asked me if I had made any decisions about Thanksgiving yet. I told her that my boyfriend invited me to his family’s Thanksgiving dinner (I never said I accepted the invite). She got really upset and started saying I was sneaky and deceptive and claiming that I knew all along that I was going to hang out with him or that I was just waiting to get an invite from him. She accused me of not making plans with her because of this. She also insinuated that this decision meant I would not be coming home for Christmas. I told her that’s not true, I fully intend to come home. She asked when I found out about the invite and I said a few days before this call. Then she asked if I had anything to say. And I just said that I was sorry I didn’t tell her sooner. I didn’t know what else to say. She said she didn’t have anything more to say to me and we ended the call.
The next two days we had no contact with each other. Then, I woke up to an email saying she was really hurt and upset with my decision about Thanksgiving. She made several comments about my high school social life (comparing me to friends who would ditch me for plans with others and saying I was no better than them now) and several criticizing comments about my boyfriend’s character, calling him a slacker and a grifter.
In the second part of the email, she threatened to come across the country and take my car away (she bought it for me to have at school). She then proposed to ship her old car to me on the condition that I don’t leave my town with it (to prevent me from driving to see him).
It’s been 5 days and we still haven’t talked. AITA for telling my mom I got invited to my boyfriend’s family Thanksgiving? I don’t know what to do moving forward.
Background:
Thanksgiving has never been a huge holiday for my family.
In high school, my mom would frequently give me the silent treatment or send me guilt tripping emails anytime she was mad at me about school/grades.
I moved out of my parent’s place at the end of the summer, and live in my own place now. I have a full-time job and pay my own bills.
My boyfriend and I have been long distance for two years, first year as friends and second year we began dating. I haven’t officially told my mom that we’re dating because I knew she would have a bad reaction.
During this summer, my boyfriend and I took a cross country roadtrip so I could have my car for the start of the school year. My mom suggested I invite him on the trip and offered to paid for everything.
I visited my boyfriend two weeks ago using my car, and she didn’t have a problem with it.
Comments
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I (23F) got invited to my boyfriend’s (22M) family Thanksgiving. We have been together for 1 year, and he’s met my parents twice. A few weeks ago, my mom offered to visit me for Thanksgiving, but she also said it was fine if I had plans with friends. I told her I wasn’t sure yet, and we never officially made plans together.
Earlier this week, I was on the phone with my mom catching up. She asked me if I had made any decisions about Thanksgiving yet. I told her that my boyfriend invited me to his family’s Thanksgiving dinner (I never said I accepted the invite). She got really upset and started saying I was sneaky and deceptive and claiming that I knew all along that I was going to hang out with him or that I was just waiting to get an invite from him. She accused me of not making plans with her because of this. She also insinuated that this decision meant I would not be coming home for Christmas. I told her that’s not true, I fully intend to come home. She asked when I found out about the invite and I said a few days before this call. Then she asked if I had anything to say. And I just said that I was sorry I didn’t tell her sooner. I didn’t know what else to say. She said she didn’t have anything more to say to me and we ended the call.
The next two days we had no contact with each other. Then, I woke up to an email saying she was really hurt and upset with my decision about Thanksgiving. She made several comments about my high school social life (comparing me to friends who would ditch me for plans with others and saying I was no better than them now) and several criticizing comments about my boyfriend’s character, calling him a slacker and a grifter.
In the second part of the email, she threatened to come across the country and take my car away (she bought it for me to have at school). She then proposed to ship her old car to me on the condition that I don’t leave my town with it (to prevent me from driving to see him).
It’s been 5 days and we still haven’t talked. AITA for telling my mom I got invited to my boyfriend’s family Thanksgiving? I don’t know what to do moving forward.
Background:
Thanksgiving has never been a huge holiday for my family.
In high school, my mom would frequently give me the silent treatment or send me guilt tripping emails anytime she was mad at me about school/grades.
I moved out of my parent’s place at the end of the summer, and live in my own place now. I have a full-time job and pay my own bills.
My boyfriend and I have been long distance for two years, first year as friends and second year we began dating. I haven’t officially told my mom that we’re dating because I knew she would have a bad reaction.
During this summer, my boyfriend and I took a cross country roadtrip so I could have my car for the start of the school year. My mom suggested I invite him on the trip and offered to paid for everything.
I visited my boyfriend two weeks ago using my car, and she didn’t have a problem with it.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Telling my mom about an invitation I got to my boyfriend’s family gathering
2. Maybe I didn’t give my mom enough time to process the invite or take her feelings into account.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Your mother is toxic. Giving you the silent treatment, making threats, making you feel bad, that is all extremely unhealthy behavior of her. You have every right to go to your boyfriend’s family for thanksgiving. Given how disrespectful your mother is to you, it’s surely going to lead to you having a more enjoyable holiday.
NTA, the cheese has definitely slipped off your Mothers cracker!
NTA – your mom is a jerk. You’re in your mid-20s, you can make your own transitions.
NTA, work on getting your own car that you pay for, disentangle yourself from your parents and go low contact.
Your mom is TAH, and that’s incredibly controlling toxic behavior on her part.
NTA Your Mother will get over it just give it time. You should tell her that he is your boyfriend now.
Go to your boyfriend’s family thanksgiving..take lots of pics and send them to your mother..show her you are having a good
NTA
NTA. Your mom sounds jealous of your life and hella petty. Nothing she said is OK, especially bringing up things that happened in high school and threatening to take your car away. She feels that her influence over you is slipping and she’s crashing out. Go ahead and do Thanksgiving with your bf. It’s time for your mom to grow up.
Well you’re obviously NTA, and it’s time to use all that experience you’ve got of her being manipulative and turn it right back on her.
How does this sound as a starting point:
*”Dear Mom,
I was shocked by your reaction to bf’s family inviting me to Thanksgiving, an invitation that was simply a kind and welcoming gesture from them that I hadn’t even decided to accept. I was surprised to learn that you had such a low opinion of me and believe that I’m ‘sneaky and deceptive’. However, if that’s genuinely how you feel then then I won’t impose myself on you at the holidays since they should be spent with family, not with someone you apparently dislike and distrust.”*
As for the car, you can’t let her hold it over you as leverage – if the car is in your name then you can just ignore her threats, if it’s in hers then you might need to come to terms with not having it and making alternative arrangements. If she brings it up again, take a similar tone – guilt trip her about making threats, about trying to be manipulative, express sadness that she feels the need to act that way but accept it while also telling her that you’re open to any positive moves she might want to make towards reconciliation. Keep a consistent line that she’s the one with the problem and if it’s going to get fixed then she needs to fix it.
The only way to break free of guilt tripping is to not feel guilty. You are not responsible for her supposed feelings, and if she’s sad or mad then you can let her be that – you don’t have to fix her mood.
NTA. Your mom has some problems. She is sort of vindictive is she is not getting her way. Who talks like that to their daughter. You may need a little distance from her for a while
Your mom is manipulative and verbally, emotionally and financially abusive. Put some healthy boundaries, because it’s not an end of it.
Wow. What an iver-reaction by mom. Plus the crazy, controlling threats about your car. Honestly, pretty concerning.
NTA, your mom has Issues. Her behavior is completely out of line.
You are an adult. You are allowed to do things on holidays that don’t involve her and her life is not over because of it.
If the car is in her name, start making alternate plans for a car asap, and definitely set some boundaries to protect your own peace.
NTA. It’s two months until Thanksgiving, but if mom has to travel it makes sense she’s asking, but the criticism is unacceptable. If you had invited mom to visit and she’s already bought her tickets and is now finding out you won’t be home for Thanksgiving that would be different, but does not sound like that’s the case.