My (25f) boyfriend (28m) invited me to Italy, his home country for Christmas, to spend with his family.
I know Christmas and Thanksgiving are important to my mother, so I called her in early June to give her a heads up that I will not be in town on Christmas day, but I’d love to spend time with her beforehand and during Thanksgiving. I told her she was on speakerphone in front of my boyfriend.
She jokingly said “well why don’t you break up with your boyfriend before Christmas and then get back together after Christmas?” My bf heard that & was hurt. They have not yet met before.
Ever since then, she has been mean to me on phone calls and refuses to make plans with me. Her birthday is coming up, and I offered to take her to her favorite theme park, but she was rude and passive aggressive, she says she won’t know her schedule.
When I ask her why I feel that she is being mean to me, she says well “this is how I feel, I’m upset. You won’t be coming home for Christmas. You don’t care about this family, you are abandoning this family. Everyone is upset.”
I offered to try to make plans for Thanksgiving and say that I would love to cook for everyone and host or cook at her house if she’s more comfortable. She keeps saying she doesn’t know her schedule and can’t make plans. I’m tired of trying to make an effort and just being fed back rudeness.
I want to give up on planning Thanksgiving and basically say, since she refuses to make plans with me, I will make plans otherwise.
Thoughts?
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My (25f) boyfriend (28m) invited me to Italy, his home country for Christmas, to spend with his family.
I know Christmas and Thanksgiving are important to my mother, so I called her in early June to give her a heads up that I will not be in town on Christmas day, but I’d love to spend time with her beforehand and during Thanksgiving. I told her she was on speakerphone in front of my boyfriend.
She jokingly said “well why don’t you break up with your boyfriend before Christmas and then get back together after Christmas?” my bf heard that & was hurt. They have not yet met before.
Ever since then, she has been mean to me on phone calls and refuses to make plans with me. Her birthday was coming up, and I offered to take her to her favorite theme park, but she was rude and blonde and says she won’t know her schedule.
When I ask her why I feel that she is being mean to me, she says well “this is how I feel, I’m upset. You won’t be coming home for Christmas. You don’t care about this family, you are abandoning this family. Everyone is upset.”
I offered to try to make plans for Thanksgiving and say that I would love to cook for everyone and host or cook at her house if she’s more comfortable. She keeps saying she doesn’t know her schedule and can’t make plans. I’m tired of trying to make an effort and just being fed back rudeness.
I want to give up on planning Thanksgiving and basically say, since she refuses to make plans with me, I will make plans otherwise.
Thoughts?
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> 1. I made the decision to not be around my mother during the holiday 2. That is the holiday most important to her, Christmas.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
>Thoughts?
Well, firstly – you’re NTA. The not going home for Christmas is perfectly reasonable, the amount of notice you gave her was generous, and she’s just throwing a tantrum. You are not the problem here.
As for other thoughts it really depends what you want to do – are you looking to smooth this over, or are you looking to make a point? You say that you:
>want to give up on planning Thanksgiving and basically say, since she refuses to make plans with me, I will make plans otherwise.
But you don’t have to give up on planning Thanksgiving since you’re prepared to host it. Just invite everyone else in the family to your place and tell them you’d love for them to be there for your boyfriend’s first family Thanksgiving before you then go to his family for your first Italian Christmas.
One of the advantages of being an adult is that you can make plans, but your parents don’t have to be in them.
NTA. You’re a grown adult and she’s behaving like a sulking teenager. You’re allowed to do what you want at the holidays. You’re also being clear that holiday time with family is important to you, which is why you want to focus on thanksgiving with them.
Tell your mother how disappointed you are that she can’t express her hurt feelings in any way other than passive aggressive digs. She’s important to you and that’s why you’re trying to make plans for her birthday and thanksgiving. But if your decision to spend time away is going to cause such childish behaviour let her know she’s likely to drive a wedge further between you than just spending one holiday apart. Maybe that’ll snap her out of it.
NTA Go to Italy. She’s being childish. My parents would never hold me back from a trip like that.
NTA. Your mom is going to have to learn to share your time with other important people in your life. Did she expect that you would never have inlaws? You offered compromise and she only wants control. That’s not your fault, and don’t even think about giving in. Good luck and I hope she’ll come around.
NTA – family traditions are important, but on the other hand, you’re an adult and starting to make your own. You have this great opportunity to go to Italy and you’re giving her lots of warning, she’s acting like a spoiled brat. Hold your ground.
My hubby and I both lived in a town that was 4 hours from my mom and almost 6 from his. We spent Thanksgiving at his mom’s, then Christmas at my mom’s and New Year’s at his mom’s. The next year we swapped. We did this for 30 years, towing 2 kids as we had them. Both moms were grateful.
Stop feeling bad. At your age, she should be happy you want to spend any time with her. I’m 62F and my son (28) & his wife live 12 hours away and come to see us for 3-4 weeks each summer; no holidays with him unless we travel to him. You’re NTA but your mom is acting like an entitled brat. Stand your ground!
NTA. Your mom is unreasonable for expecting you will be with her for every Christmas. Her attitude is selfish and behaviour childish. She is having a tantrum to force you to give in to her. Enjoy Italy.
You are NTA and it is very important that you shut this down.
I suggest that you send an email to your mother that says:
Mom, we have not been able to have an adult conversation about the upcoming holidays so I think that email might be the best way to address it.
Our family is important to me and I make holidays a priority. That does not mean that I will spend every holiday with our family. I am an adult woman in a serious relationship and that means that I will spend some of my holidays with others. That is not abandonment, that is leading a healthy life.
I would like to focus on scheduling Thanksgiving together. If you decide that you would like to get together for the holiday, that would be great. Up until now, you’ve been unable to make plans. I hope that will change and I will keep my calendar open through the end of the summer so that we can book something.
In the meantime, I will not be discussing the holidays any further. It is damaging our relationship and the sorts of conversations we’ve been having are in neither of our best interests.
Love,
Vegetable Run
NTA. Honestly she might be jealous of you traveling to Italy. Seems like she went normal to psycho pretty fast. Sounds like she’s being childish.
NTA. You are an adult. You can do what you want with your time. It sounds like your Mom has some real problems accepting that, as an adult, you are going to start having a life that doesn’t revolve around her wants. You gave her a more than generous amount of notice here. She is throwing a fit, like a petulant child denied a sweet. As for Thanksgiving, consider this. She isn’t willing to work with you on a plan. If you plan something and invite her do you want to deal with her negativity, attempts to guilt and manipulate you and her passive aggressive digs at your relationship? Step back from her. Tell her, point blank, that until she apologizes for the comment and demonstrates that she actually understands what was inappropriate about the suggestion that you should be breaking up with your BF so you can spend Christmas with her rather than going to Italy that you don’t want to hear from her. Put the onus on her to grow up and reach out when she is ready to accept that you are not an extension of her.
NTA. The chance to go to Italy doesn’t come up every day! Your mom should be happy for you instead of acting like a jealous toddler. You gave her plenty of notice to prepare for this, and her little digs about breaking up with your BF are extra childish. Time for a come-to-jesus talk with her.
NTA. My aunt pulled this shit when my cousin spent Christmas with her fiancé’s family. Sent guilt-trippy texts like “Guess I’ll eat alone with the dog!” Then she didn’t. Cousin came back from trip to find her posting on pics from a Cancun timeshare she’d booked months prior. Some parents just love the drama.
It’s one thing to be like this if you were 15 but at 25 it’s ridiculous. NTA
NTA but I’d just go ahead and make Thanksgiving plans at your house. Invite your mother. Whether she shows up or not is up to her (try not to let her absence ruin your holiday if that’s what ends up happening).
It’s important not to let her think that her (bad) behaviour can control your own decisions if you want to be able to make your own decisions as an adult. Keep extending invitations, on your terms.
What if you marry him?? And *gasp* start living your own life your own way. Mom won’t know what to do with herself. You’re trying to compromise and she’s just throwing herself a pity party. If you can make plans 6 months ahead she can try to put in some effort too. NTA
ESH
I’m also Italian. Your bf needs to grow up, but your mom even more.
Make yourself happy OP.
imo NTA
youve spent every holiday with your family, but there comes a time when you start to make your own family. youre in the time of making your own. nd you gotta make it fair for your bf.
when will you get this opportunity, to not just celebrate it with his family there, but to go to Italy during holiday time again? she may also be jealous, that youre going there and spending that time not with her.
youre NTA for focusing on your own life, wants, and needs.
NTA.
She sounds like someone who handles disappointment by emotionally manipulating those around her into giving her what she wants. My guess is that this has been a successful strategy for her in the past.
Here is what she is doing: you won’t give her exactly what she wants, so she rejects any and all suggestions you make. In her mind, she thinks that if she removes all alternatives, the only remaining option will be for you to cave in and give her what she wants.
The way to overcome this type of manipulation is to stop providing alternatives. When she says “I don’t know my schedule yet. I can’t make plans”, just tell her “No problem. When you do know your schedule, let me know what works for you, and I will see what I can do. The more notice you give me, the better chance I won’t have made other arrangements.”
She might respond by flipping to a different manipulation technique, but at least you will be past this one.
Your mother is one of the biggest guilt laying AH. She does not get to control your holidays you don’t live there. And I’d pick Italy at Christmas over anything my mother could come up with lol. Go! Travel! Enjoy! Your mother can suck eggs
Mom is having a hissy fit because you are creating a life of your own. One that she’s not in control of. She’s not your center anymore. Give her time and space to get over it.
Info – you’re planning to travel internationally with this man for Christmas and he hasn’t even met your family? How long have you been together?
Your mom is childish and extremely overdramatic.
NTA, she is.
NTA. She says “you don’t care about family,” but she doesn’t care about you and this great opportunity to go to Italy. She only wants to keep up the traditions she’s built even though you are now at the age where those are necessarily going to change anyway.
NTA. “Mom, I need to know by Halloween if you want to have Thanksgiving together. If you have not made up your mind by then, I will go with my alternate plan for Thanksgiving. I will not be home for Christmas (This is not up for discussion or debate), so if I don’t see you at Thanksgiving, then I will see you in 2026.”
NTA. Your mother is behaving like a toddler. Until she is prepared to grow up and act like an adult just minimise or cut contact with her. She is being extremely immature and unreasonable. You are an adult and you get to decide when and where you want to go.
NTA, but I’m going to take a different stance on this. Your mom is wrong, acting like a baby, and you don’t deserve that. However, as someone who lived this on both sides, it isn’t easy when.your kids grow up and leave the nest, especially when it starts to impact holidays and important events. She is clearly handling it badly, but I’d try one last time and tell her that you love her, that you will miss having Christmas with her, but that this is important to.you. Forget the comment. Let it go. If after you say that to her, she continues to act badly, then keep your distance until she gets over herself.
You’re not ruining anything, your mum is. Go make your own plans without her so she can sulk some more. NTA.
NTA. Your mom is pouting and whining and giving you guilt trips. You’re an adult. Do what you want to do. Call her bluff.
NTA – this is what happens when people grow up. They build families of their own and priorities shift. You can’t always spend every holiday every year with your parents. Your mom should understand that, because I doubt she spent every single holiday with her parents after she married your dad.
Let your mom know that you are growing up and will still see her and spend some holidays with her, but your BF wants to spend holidays with his parents as well. It’s not fair that nobody gets to spend time with their family in order for her to have them all. When she says you can go home and he can go to his family, tell her you’ve already decided to spend the holidays together. He’s important to you, she needs to understand that and get used to it being both of you or neither of you.
Geez, if my kid got the opportunity to go overseas, I’d be thrilled for them. Your mom is acting like a big baby.
Nta your mom is acting like a child, you are an adult with your own life. Id make other plans for thanksgiving.
NTA you need to do exactly what you wrote. Tell her since you don’t want to make plans with me I’m going to make alternate plans. Then stop trying to appease her. She’s acting like this because you are giving her what she wants, more attention.
NTA your mom is acting like a child. Does she truly expects you to spent every Holiday with her? That is unrealistic, even if you didn’t have a partner. You gave her plenty of notice and offered to make up for the time.
Make other plans for her birthday, Thanksgiving, and any other occasion that arises. She wants to punish you and hopes to wear you down to acquiesce to her will. How dare you try to have a life apart from her? You’ll be sorry if she has her way about it.
NTA
She’s punishing you for not doing what she wants. The guilt tripping is being laid on thick.
You have her plenty of notice, you’ve offered compromises and substitutions. Now SHE is the one refusing to see you, at all, and blaming you for it.
NTA You are an adult now and you can make your own plans for holidays. Don’t miss out on an amazing trip to Italy because your mom is being a passive aggressive selfish jerk.
Here’s the thing. Kids grow into adults and at some point, they spend holidays with their new families. Last Christmas was my first without one of my daughters. It sucks but she is an adult and on her own path. Your mom is being incredibly selfish and you should tell her so. She is only thinking of how it affects her and giving absolutely no thought to your feelings. A mother’s whole job is to consider the feelings of her children. Her comment about your boyfriend was both rude and inconsiderate. She may have just burned any chance that he may want to spend the following Christmas with your family and you should tell her so. Go and enjoy your holiday with your boyfriend. If he wasn’t serious about you he would not have invited you to meet his family on this major holiday. Your mom needs to learn to suck it up and be supportive.
NTA! She’s manipulating you. Honey live your life.
NTA when you have children the expectation is that they will grow up and live their own lives. I would be sad for myself as a mom but thrilled that you will be having this wonderful experience. I knew from the time my children were born they would grow up and have their own lives and adventures so now I’m grateful every time they visit. Holidays or just a visit I’m glad they want to spent time with me. Your mom is allowed her own feelings and it’s hard when children are on their own but it’s wrong to punish your children for children being adults. Your mom is in the wrong. Have a wonderful trip.
NTA. Once you are in a relationship special occasions get altered. You have 3 families to think about. Your side, his side and just the two of you in your own little family.
Invite everyone to Thanksgiving and let your mom make a fool of herself for being so childish.
Is the everybody really upset, or is it just her? She speaking for the entire family? Got the Lorax here speaking for the whole forest.
This behavior is childish and selfish, I’m not saying she is, but her response sure ain’t pretty. She should be happy you found someone and be happy for you. Can she be disappointed? sure, but she doesn’t get to act like a brat. She’s way too grown for that. And what’s worse is she’s missing out on time with you and pushing you away because of her stupid pride.
I’d say. just keep being you. if she wants to keep acting like that than all you can do is try and reach out and be the mature one. Eventually she’ll get over it when she can’t get her way.
Also have you talked to any of your other family members about this? maybe they don’t even care that much about you missing Christmas. I’m not saying to complain and start sides but she’s obviously trying to pressure you by making you think you’re the villain and everyone is against your decision. If they’re fine make some separate plans with them like you mentioned earlier. you can invite her of course, but if she doesn’t come at least you’ll still get to spend some time with your family.
NTA
lol yeah she’s acting like a toddler throwing a tantrum”
NTA if you’re starting to head towards life partnership/engagement.
If your child is partnered, that means there’s another family now involved who should be getting half the major holidays if the couple is being fair. This year your Mom is getting Thanksgiving but not Christmas. Next year (presumably if you have the money and PTO) your Mom will get Christmas.
If you live somewhat near your Mom, she’s getting alot more than your boyfriend’s Mom is and will unless the two of you were to decide to live closer to his family.
This is always a hard transition, but it’s the normal progression of life.
P.S. – Do you plan on having kids? Hate to be the one to have to tell her that to get Grands there’s going to have to Gasp! be another Grandma besides her.
Make your plans. You’re an adult. Don’t play childish games with your mom.
Wow. Your mom is a passive aggressive asshole.
What a completely idiotic, childish response.
I understand being hurt. I dread the day my child meets someone and has to do something similar… but I would deal with those feelings privately, not guilt him about it. And I would bend over backwards to accommodate him whenever he IS available to see me. And I would celebrate whatever holiday with him whenever he wants. Can’t do Christmas day? No problem. We’ll do the week before, or the week after, or next month, or whatever. The calendar day isn’t important. We’ll do Christmas in July if we have to. I’ll even put up Christmas lights.
But I would never do what she’s doing.
She’s just pushing you away even more. Does she want any relationship with you at all? She’s making that seriously difficult. And she’s definitely ruining the chance of having any kind of relationship with your boyfriend.
She’s an absolute ass.
It’s months away. Leave it alone for now. Fair enough if you and your bf need to book flights and stuff ahead of time but just don’t discuss it anymore with her for now. If she keeps this up then do make other plans for thanksgiving as well. I don’t get her reaction though if I had told my mum that my Italian beau was taking me to Italy for Christmas she would have been thrilled for me. Maybe your mums a bit jealous?
NTA. She’s acting this way because she sees that this relationship has potential of being something serious and sounds like she’s afraid of losing control over you. My mother would never act like this so this isn’t normal or okay behavior. Don’t let her guilt trip you into not spending time with your boyfriend.
“I can’t see you months from now, so I am going to riun all the time between now and then.”
Is she always this emotionally immature? She wants you to chase her. I would step back from her and work on building your life as an adult.
NTA.
NTA. Tell your mother, “So let me get this straight. You’re angry that I’ll be in Italy for Christmas, because you want to spend holidays with me. Since you are upset, you’ve refused to see me before or after Christmas, and on special occasions like your birthday, meaning you are choosing to spend no time with me at all. Do I have that right?”
You need to set up healthy boundaries now, before you even think about marrying anyone. Your mother will demand all holidays spent with her, and none with his relatives or with any family you build.
Your mother is withholding g love to punish and manipulate you, so you’ll come crawling back, cancel the trip to Italy, and beg forgiveness for the crime of wishing to spend a holiday anywhere but with her. Don’t do it.
If your mother chooses not to see you, let her. Stop chasing after her. Just tell her okay, have it your way.
Also tell your mother that disrespect towards your bf will not be tolerated. Never step aside while your mother slings jealous arrows at your partner. Get up and leave or hang up every time. Her choice is to be polite, or not see you.
It is ridiculous and childish for her to jump to “you don’t care about this family and you’re abandoning us” over this. That, however, probably will not go over well with her.
Have you tried: going through other family members (your dad, your siblings etc) who can tell her she’s being unreasonable and childish because they’re not the one she’s fighting with rn and
does every member of your family from both your mom and dad’s side participate in the annual Christmas celebration? Chances are no and it may be helpful to remind her of that.
also helpful to remind her that what was just going to be a bittersweet holiday where you FaceTimed the family and missed one celebration is now going to be half a year of missed celebrations because of her attitude. Her refusal to do anything but sulk.
Is it even a question. Go to Italy. Eat good food. Make incredible memories. Ride the gondolas.
NTA
Well honestly this cant be the first time your mom has acted unhinged and tryed being manipulative..let her have her toddler tantrum and don’t fight to see her on birthday ..recognize she trained you to be a people pleaser and just quit.. dont push about either birthday or Thanksgiving just enjoy your new relationship and dont let her her put thorns in it like shes trying to do..I’m glad he was able to handle the speakerphone situation NTA.. your moms got some true mental health issues that probably will be ignored by her for forever so plan on needing a shiney spine forever yourself
NTA, and if she keeps being unpleasant on the phone tell her she’s won. That you don’t even want to come home for Thanksgiving now, let alone Christmas.
She is going to have to share the holidays.
Oh my, your mom is a handful! She has not yet cut the umbilical cord and her life still revolves around being your mom?? Give her one final chance to engage for Thanksgiving then feel free to drop all attempts to reconcile. Tell her how hurt you are that she is not ecstatic about you being able to spend Christmas in Italy (I am a mom and I would tell my daughter what a wonderful experience that will be) but instead is focusing on her feelings only. Of course she is disappointed and needed to process you not being there, but it was going to happen sooner or later and she needs to grow up. Moms are supposed to support their kids, not manipulate them by guilt-tripping them.
It is unfortunate that your BF was on the call and his first meeting with your mom was such a disaster. She needs to reach out to him and profusely apologize for her rudeness. I doubt she will. She is quite self centered or hasn’t been able to move on with her life after parenting ended. I hope she didn’t scare off your BF! (which was likely the plan as she stated!)
In a perky or pleasant voice: “Okay mom, let me know when you know what your schedule is. I’ll keep my schedule open until DATE and if you don’t know by then I’ll make plans for myself. Love you!”
NTA
NTA. Moms are sad and disappointed when they don’t get to see their kids on every major holiday. But when kids grow up and have significant others, then they have two families to spend their time with. Both mothers have to adjust to that fact. It’s normal and perfectly reasonable for them to be sad and miss their kids. But mature mom’s also realize that those are their feelings to manage, and enjoy the time they have with their adult children instead of trying to guilt trip and manipulate.
NTA. Once you’re an adult you might spend Christmas away from your family of origin. That’s normal. Also this is a great opportunity to visit your boyfriend’s home country and see where he grew up, especially if you’ve never been to Italy before.
Side note though, did your mom know she was on speakerphone and he was listening in? Still rude and unfunny of her to say that
NTA. That’s what happens when kids grow up and have their own lives!!
For the first time your mom is realizing that you are growing up and you are not hers to control. The reality is that if you ever have a serious relationship, get married, or have children that you won’t be home all the time. Call your mom and say the following. “Mom I love you, I understand that you are upset that I am not coming home for Christmas. Right now with how you are treating the situation and not making plans with me for Thanksgiving this year means that the next time I will see you will be November 2026. I wish you the best and if I don’t hear from you then I will see you November 2026.”
NTA Your mother is allowed to have hurt feelings, but she’s acting like a bratty teenager. Is this how she normally behaves when she doesn’t get something she wants?
If it were me, I would tell her “I understand you’re upset, but I am an adult now and won’t always be able to make it home for all occasions and holidays. I understand that you’re disappointed, but you are not allowed to accuse me of not caring about my family and act like a passive aggressive 14-year-old when you don’t get what you want. I will not allow you to treat me this way. When you’re ready to act your age and stop treating me this way, you are grounded from contacting me. When you’re ready to stop and want to spend some time with me, let me know and we’ll plan something fun.” Or something to that effect.
If you’re not comfortable with that, then maybe try something smaller.
As an adult, you wanting to spend some time (not all your time, of course) with your partner’s family is 100% age appropriate, you shouldn’t feel guilty about that. As an adult, your mother’s behaviour is NOT age appropriate, and she should be embarrassed by it, but apparently she doesn’t which is a problem. Therapy for one or both of you might be helpful.
The reality is there’s nothing wrong with tweeking holidays to fit everyone’s schedules, especially once everyone grows up and starts families of their own. What’s important is spending time with the ones we love, if that happens a few days before or after the holidays then that’s okay. She should love you enough to be happy spending time with you, this burning desire to control you isn’t normal.
Read the book: “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.” It will give you a lot of ways to deal with your mom because it isn’t going to get better.
Your mother is being a manipulative nightmare. Better learn how to shut this down and shut her out now. My word, can you imagine if you ever have kids? NTA.
NTA. Your Mom is behaving like a child. Don’t humor (enable) her behavior. Tell her you’re sorry she’s upset but she is actively choosing to not spend time with you. That after several failed attempts that you will wait to hear from her around future plans. If you don’t hear from her, you’ll assume she has alternate plans and/or are not available and will adjust accordingly. I may be tempted to throw in how disappointed you are that’s behaving this way and hurting your relationship. Either way, NTA.
NTA.
Your mother is being an immature, and extremely selfish, AH.
Couples spend holidays with both families. If your mother can’t accept reality, she needs therapy to help her. Don’t change your plans.
If she does not want other plans, let her not have plans. She has feelings she needs to process, let her. Step back a bit.
She is hurt, you have right to switch Christmas with boyfriends family, so just don’t try to force it while she is hurt.
Even if I didn’t have other plans, I wouldn’t go home to that.
Holy cow. NtA. Your mother needs to learn to accept the fact that youre now an adult, with an adult romantic relationship, and you may not be able to always celebrate holidays on the actual day of with her. Thata juat what happens as your kids grow up. I’m sure it sucks, but it is what it is. My boyfriend and I never see both of our parents on any holiday. Usually one on the actual holiday and the other on another day that week. Tell her you can celebrate a different day either before or after you’re back in town. I’d hold off on making plans for thanks giving. You still have a couple months. Give her time to cool off, then try again. Unless you really want to say screw it an make plans with your boyfriend or something. Lol. I don’t think anyone here would blame you for that. Lol because your mother really is acting like a child right now.
Tell her you will disown her before Christmas and then reverse it after Christmas. See how she feels when the shoe is on the other foot.
NTA you’re an adult you can spend the holidays wherever you want.
It I have to ask:
Was the speakerphone necessary or was it to prevent her from protesting in public?
How long have you been together?
Is this the first Christmas you’ll miss at home?
Many people’s opinions could be influenced by your answers.
NTA. Maybe if she was alone, but it looks that’s not an issue. No contact for a while I’d say.
Make other plans, NTA. Mom is being a bit childish about this.