I (20F) am one of five siblings (ages 16-27). Last Christmas, my parents told us our gift would be a family trip to Universal Studios this coming Christmas. My mom bought the hotel and park tickets and asked if we wanted to go, saying we would all fly. Of course I said yes, I was excited and thought it would be a fun trip.
For some background, my parents are extremely wealthy doctors who own their own business. None of us kids are financially comfortable. I’m a broke college student who recently took a year off after leaving an abusive relationship and struggling with depression. During that time I had no job or income. I’m starting school again this fall and looking for work, but I currently have very low funds.
My siblings aren’t better off. My youngest brother is 16. My sisters (21 and 24) both work minimum wage and already struggle. On top of that, my mom charges anyone over 18 $600 a month in rent to live in our (very large) family house. The only sibling doing okay is my 27-year-old brother who works for my parents.
Fast forward to now (August), a few months before the trip, and the terms suddenly changed. My dad chickened out of flying because of his severe anxiety and wants to drive instead (16 hours vs. a 2-hour flight). My mom and I both get motion sickness, but for me it’s extreme. I panic about getting sick in cars, so a 16-hour drive is my nightmare.
Because my dad won’t fly, my mom announced: “You kids need to pay for your own flights now. For the two youngest who don’t have any money, the rest of you can pitch in to buy their tickets – or they’ll have to drive in their own cars. This is a test of sibling loyalty.”
I felt awful because I don’t want my siblings, who are already broke, to pay for me. I told my mom I want to come, but I probably won’t go if it meant they had to to cover my ticket. She snapped and called me “ungrateful” for not wanting to go on a trip she’s “spending so much money on,” saying if I don’t go I’m throwing her generosity back in her face.
So now I feel stuck. If I go, my siblings may be pressured into paying for me. If I don’t, I’ll be labeled ungrateful for wasting her money AND my little brother won’t have a ride/my siblings will have to pay for him. If I drive, I’ll have panic attacks and be sick and miserable which I definitely don’t want.
AITA for telling my mom I probably won’t go if it means my siblings have to pay for me?
Edit: Just to clarify a bit, my dad wants my mom to go with him in the car. So since she isn’t flying now (and is very pissed about it), that’s why we all have to pay. She said there’s only room for two, so that’s why my brother wouldn’t have a ride if I didn’t drive him.
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I (20F) am one of five siblings (ages 16-27). Last Christmas, my parents told us our gift would be a family trip to Universal Studios this coming Christmas. My mom bought the hotel and park tickets and asked if we wanted to go, saying we would all fly. Of course I said yes, I was excited and thought it would be a fun trip.
For some background, my parents are extremely wealthy doctors who own their own business. None of us kids are financially comfortable. I’m a broke college student who recently took a year off after leaving an abusive relationship and struggling with depression. During that time I had no job or income. I’m starting school again this fall and look for work, but I currently have very low funds.
My siblings aren’t better off. My youngest brother is 16. My sisters (21 and 24) both work minimum wage and already struggle. On top of that, my mom charges anyone over 18 $600 a month in rent to live in our (very large) family house. The only sibling doing okay is my 27-year-old brother who works for my parents.
Fast forward to now (August), a few months before the trip, and the terms suddenly changed. My dad chicken out of flying because of his severe anxiety and wants to drive instead (16 hours vs. a 2-hour flight). My mom and I both get motion sickness, but for me it’s extreme. I panic about getting sick in cars, so a 16-hour drive is my nightmare.
Because my dad won’t fly, my mom announced: “You kids can pay for your own flights now. For the two youngest who don’t have any money, the rest of you can pitch in to buy their tickets – or they’ll have to drive in their own cars. This is a test of sibling loyalty.”
I felt awful because I don’t want my siblings, who are already broke, to pay for me. I told my mom I want to come, but I probably won’t go if it meant they had to to cover my ticket. She snapped and called me “ungrateful” for not wanting to go on a trip she’s “spending so much money on,” saying if I don’t go I’m throwing her generosity back in her face.
So now I feel stuck. If I go, my siblings may be pressured into paying for me. If I don’t, I’ll be labeled ungrateful for wasting her money AND my little brother won’t have a ride/my siblings will have to pay for him. If I drive, I’ll have panic attacks and be sick and miserable which I definitely don’t want.
AITA for telling my mom I probably won’t go if it means my siblings have to pay for me?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mom I probably wont go on our christmas trip if it means my siblings have to pay for my means of transportation. That could make me the asshole because she’s already spent money on the hotel and park tickets, and now she feels like I’m rejecting her gift and being ungrateful.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Is your mom always this controlling?
Check prices. Flights are not always as high as you think.
Not to be rude but I would burn the passes before I went on that trip. Your NTA but your parents sure are. Work on your mental health get your finance together then move out and never look back. Oh my parents charged me rent when I bought my house and moved out they gave me the $10000 they had charged me for rent.
NTA. This isn’t a gift: it’s a carefully crafted piece of abuse. In a few years’ time your parents will be posting on here, complaining about the fact that none of their children speak to them.
NTA. Good luck.
NTA
I would have a sit down with the whole group of siblings. Maybe you guys can figure out a solution that works for all of you. Your mom sounds awful but you don’t have many choices since you/ they live there. It sounds like NC in the future sounds like a good idea.
Would your eldest brother be ok with covering your airfare? Sometimes there are super cheap airlines that fly to Orlando if you live near a hub. Maybe he would take chores in place of money or something you could help him with. If there is a sibling with a car, whomever doesn’t get carsick can road trip and help with gas.
Your mom is teaching all over 18 year olds about responsibility. 600 sucks but rent elsewhere is probably much, much more.
Ask if you too can get a part time job at your dad’s business? That should cover airfare and help with money!
NTA. Your mom’s behavior is bizzare. Don’t go and stop accepting things from her – your self respect should be worth more than a trip to universal. Your youngest brother can go in the car with your dad – you aren’t hurting him.
NTA. Idk about your mom tho. She absolutely knows the financial situation and now she ask them to cover for others? And then “gaslight” and “guilt trip” you when you backed out? She’s TA.
NTA.
“You said it yourself, Mom, it’s not a gift any more, it’s a ‘test of sibling loyalty’. And I just passed with flying colors.”
NTA. Your parents seem controlling and manipulative. I wouldn’t want to go either if my wealthy parents wanted my struggling siblings to pitch in and pay for my ticket. It’s like they’re getting some sick thrill from this.
NTA
you dont want to put pressure on your already pressured siblings? how its possible to call that ungrateful is mind boggling
the only reason i can think so is because of her personal expenses. but they are both extremely wealthy though, so if anyone was to be the least affected it should be them.
if you want you might want to try organise a way of paying them back when you start to become more comfortable but idk. money lending in family never seems to go well
either way though, your intentions are to do good. therefore NTA
What do your siblings say? I must admit the whole family dynamic seems off. Maybe all kids should talk.
NTA, this is peak manipulation. You said you just left an abusive relationship? Sorry, but this is another one. Just explain to your siblings that you’re too broke to pay for the flight and can’t drive that far. Your parents are mean.
NTA
If going is financially not feasible this year, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Your finances are important and going into debt for a family trip is not worth the months or maybe years it will take to get out of debt. Don’t forget you’ll likely be responsible to pay for overpriced food and drinks too.
If you have a small amount of wiggle room, I’d suggest using chat gpt or another ai tool to help find cheap flights. Depending on the price maybe you’d feel more comfortable splitting the cost of your tickets?
NTA
Your parents are genuinely awful. Don’t go on vacation with them. Get your siblings in a group chat and pick something to do with THEM, that everyone can afford. Maybe you can’t afford Universal Studios but what about camping for a week at a lake or something nearby? There’s a park near me and the private camping is $35 a night. You could also go to a KOA campsite, stay in air conditioned cabins and those run like $75ish a night. Idk, there’s cheap ways to have memorable vacations and it would show your parents that they can’t control y’all. You make your own fun.
“This is a test of sibling loyalty”?
Your mom’s a piece of work to turn their gift into a “test” because of their issues. And they’re going to take a two-seater on this road trip to make your 16-year-old brother fend for himself? What an absolute load of garbage.
NTA. I wouldn’t go on the trip, period. You and any of your siblings who are unable or no longer want to go can do your own actually fun thing for Christmas.
God, your parents are narcissistic. I’d bail, let the chips fall where they may.
Talk to your siblings, maybe you can all refuse together. Then Ma and Pa can go on their own.
NTA. However, if you’re going to use your mental health as an excuse for not working, being in school, or sitting in a car, I would take them up of the offer. With that mentality it’s unlikely that you’ll ever be in a financial position to take a vacation like this in the near future, if ever. If you need professional help, get some.
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NTA.
As a “test of sibling loyalty,” flip it around: convince your siblings it’s not worth the financial stress just to please your parents. Instead, skip the trip and plan something fun at home or nearby with just the siblings. You’ll probably have a better time hanging out together than standing in long lines at a theme park and without all the guilt-tripping.
NTA.
I’m sorry, but your mother sounds somewhat emotionally abusive. Your parents are well off and they demand for the kids who are barely making any money to cover somebody else’s trip costs as well as their own?
You’re mother seems to be gaslighting everyone and throwing out guilt trips like they’re candy at Halloween. Just because she spent all that money, doesn’t mean that you have to go. She did that, then suddenly, only a few months before the trip changes the rules?
To be fair, you could have tried to save up for the trip yourself. Of course, had they had given you guys any type of long term warning (like the beginning of the year) that this would happen it would have been much easier. Yet instead, she just shifts the rules and demands others cover the costs then states your ungrateful for not wanting your siblings to have to spend money they don’t have and causing her to waste money. When she turned that around, the money she spent was no longer a gift. It was something she could hold over you and your siblings head for a guilt fest that is painting her as the one who is being wronged.
Is it at all possible that your parents are going through money problems? If that is the case, then them switching it around would make sense. But as of right now, with the info you’ve given, I don’t think you should fall for your mother’s guilt trip. Find a way to move out and get away from that emotional abuse.
Tell her you passed the test of “sibling loyalty” by refusing to have your siblings bullied into paying for your airfare. Your parents sound extremely toxic.
Say thanks, but not going. Tell your siblings you don’t want them to have to pay for you, and you can’t afford it yourself, so you are out. Wish anyone going a good time. By the way, your mom’s being a j÷=k. She offered the trip, then changed it, but still expects everyone to pony up. Charging rent is fair if not attending school. The rest is ridiculous.
NTA.
Your parents are the a$$holes in this situation. They have made promises about a trip then changed the conditions and are emotionally blackmailing their own children. When all but one of you and your siblings have nowhere near enough money to pay for a plane ticket it is ridiculous that your parents think anyone can magically produce enough money to fly everyone.
Your mother is getting angry because she doesn’t like the truth. She is expecting her children to achieve the impossible to meet her inconsiderate changes to the plan.
You have a conscience.
NTA. This is not a test of “sibling loyalty” or any other BS. This is simply mom believing she can dictate exactly what her adult children do. Don’t let her guilt you because everything she is saying is just manipulative tactics. “Ungrateful” and “throwing her generosity in her face” are just her painting herself as the victim. She’s not.
NTA. Your mom can’t call it a Christmas gift and then months later decide everyone has to pay for it. That’s not a gift, that’s a bill. Calling it a “test of sibling loyalty” is just manipulative and unfair, especially when you and your siblings are already struggling.
You’re not ungrateful for saying no, you’re actually being thoughtful by not letting your broke siblings get pressured into covering your ticket. That’s the opposite of selfish.
If your parents want this family trip so badly, then they should fund it. If they don’t, that’s their choice, but it’s not on you to suffer through a 16-hour panic-attack road trip or to make your siblings pay for you.
NTA. Your parents are cheap assholes. This trip isn’t a gift, or they’d pay for everything and not charge their kids. I hope you can find a cheap flight on allegiant or spirit. I often fly to Orlando MCO for $50 each way. But yeah, your parents suck. One day, they’ll wonder why their kids have gone low or no contact with them.
NTA. This is actually a test of loyalty to your children, not loyalty to siblings. Who the hell makes something like this a test, esp when you have this much money? Honestly, I’m apalled. You’re young. You can’t imagine having more money than you can spend. It is life changing. It makes their behavior disgusting.
And to do this kind of financial torture to your own kids when they are this young and vulnerable… beyond me. It’s one thing to give yo too much. It is another to play this kind of screwed up loyalty test. Don’t play this game. Teach them now or it’ll continue until your parents are dead.
Check out narcissistic personality disorder on the internet. Taking yourself out of the game is the only way to win (and drive them crazy, btw).
What is wrong with your parents?! Not just about this “gift” (gifts don’t come with obligations by the way). They’re well off financially and still charging their kids rent?! To the point that you’re struggling financially? Honestly this all feels a little financially and emotionally abusive on their parts.
I think ‘sibling loyalty’ would be the whole lot of you deciding not to go on this expensive non-gift.
Updateme
NTA. Just say you’re not going because you can’t afford it. It’s not like you need to lie or anything.
That’s a severe case of financial abuse and manipulation.
NTA
Stay home.
NTA. Your parents are horrible people. The sooner you distance yourself from them, the better.
If I were doing well financially, I’d be absolutely ashamed to make my broke kids pay for something expensive (that I planned for and promised to pay entirely!).
Your mother seems to be a narcissistic, emotionally manipulative AH and you should look at building your life without her in the picture anymore. NTA
I think it depends on the Dynamics of your relationship with the family as a whole…. If if your Dynamics are really good and everybody gets long, there’s no favoritism and it’s a nice relationships. I would been flying to say you should go ahead and go and enjoy it
If however, it’s tense, arguing and the family doesn’t get along, they’re controlling and manipulative then it’s probably better just to bow out and say hey. I’m not going. it’s too much trouble
I think it all so depends on the family, your siblings, how old they are and if they’re like 25, 26 and considerably older than you, they’re working even though they’re not super comfortable. yeah I can understand your situation
If anything, what your parents ought to do is knock up to $600 a month off rent for 1 or 2 months to pay for the trip
NTA. Your parents sound awful. If you can barely afford the flight, how do your parents expect you to eat? I hope the five of you can enjoy a fun Christmas celebration together closer to home. That’s how you show sibling loyalty.
NTA why does mom think OP’s siblings can afford to go either? They may be in the same boat. So all the poor kids get bullied into going because mom is testing them. So they can’t afford their own ticket but they have to chip in for each other? How does that work? If you can’t pay for yourself then where is the money coming from to pay for yourself sibling? That’s very flawed logic.
Can you take the train or the bus? Or would you be affected by the motion sickness, too? And stamping thjs as a test of sibling loyalty sucks. This was supposed to be a nice fun trip for the family that your folks were giving to be nice. She shouldn’t be making any of you jump through hoops.
Don’t go! Your siblings clearly can’t afford it, all but one, and they will probably thank you for taking the lead on saying NO.
Nta. That all kinds of wrong. I would go low contact. Your parents sound toxic
Your parents aren’t generous at all.
Putting their kids in debt for a holiday as some weird test of loyalty – read get out of paying themselves – is not a good plan. Don’t do that to your siblings.
NTA
NTA. a gift is not a gift if it comes with strings attached.
What the actual crap did I just read? NTA and I wouldn’t go.
NTA. Your mother sounds unbearable and petty.
I think the best thing to do is announce cheerily, I’m sorry, that’s not in my budget, and I don’t want my siblings to have to pay for me. Have a good time, send me some photos!
And leave it there. Do not engage in this mess. NTA.
“Test of sibling loyalty”
How fucked up is that.
Nta
NTA. IMO, your parents do not sound like they are particularly good people.
UpdateMe
Where is your dad in all this? You’re clarifying that your Dad wants your Mom in the car, but does he know she told you all to pay for flights?
Your mom’s behavior is toxic AF. A gift that comes with constraints is not a gift. Real generosity doesn’t come accompanied by a full on adult tantrum. And her “test of sibling loyalty” is disgusting. Simply say “I can’t afford to pay this and I know my siblings can’t afford it either so don’t feel comfortable with it and have to respectfully decline the invitation”. There’s no “probably won’t go” here, once she started the toxic guilt trip you want to set the boundary as quickly as possible and firmly maintain it without extra explanation. NTA
“Mom,
I’m not willing to ask my already struggling siblings to foot the bill for my travel, so I passed the sibling loyalty test with flying colors.
Enjoy your trip.”
NTA
NTA. If they were going to pay for all the plane tickets before I see no reason they can’t still pay for everyone else’s tickets just because they aren’t flying now, especially if there’s only room for the two of them in the car. It’s unfair to saddle you and/or your siblings with extra expense for a trip they volunteered to cover. Seems a bit petty to me and I would stay home with no guilt at all.
Please update us, I would love to know how this ends.
This is like telling little kids that you’ll take them to Disney and then not doing so. You don’t tell people that you’re flying them for vacation and then say “nevermind, you pay” because you’re changing how you travel. What an incredibly awful thing for your parents to do. It was supposed to be a GIFT.
Side note: going to Universal Studios when you get motion sick? It’s a bold choice, Cotton. Let’s see if it works out for him.
I walked away from medical career to raise my kids. This post helps me feel at peace with that decision. NTA.