I (28M) recently told my mom (55F) that I won’t be able to support her financially the way she expects and it did not go well.
Background: I have a decent job, but I live in a high-cost city, and I’m still paying off student loans. My mom never saved for retirement and always said “you kids will take care of me.”
I love her, and I do want to help I’ve already paid her rent a few times and sent money when she asked. But lately, it’s become more of an expectation than an emergency.
She recently asked me to start sending her a fixed monthly amount, saying “It’s your duty.” When I told her I can’t commit to that right now, she got emotional and said I’m abandoning her.
I feel terrible. I know in some cultures, parents rely on their kids but I also believe she had time to plan, and now I’m being guilt tripped.
AITA for drawing a line?
Comments
55, tell her if she wants money to get a job and work for it
NTA
If you cannot spare the amount of money she’s asking for, that’s the end of the discussion
Her trying to guilt you doesn’t change simple mathematics
And even if you could afford it, you’re under no obligation to fund her retirement
NTA. It is not your responsibility to financially take care of your mother. She has some nerve thinking that it is. I would never put that burden on my children. Although it is late to just be starting to think about her retirement, She is young enough to work and will have to keep working until she feels financially secure. She needs to talk to a financial advisor to come up with a plan other than mooching off her kids.
your mom is 55, I mean that is young enough to get a job and fund her own life. NTA at all, your mom is trying to take advantage of yo. Don’t let her. Take care of your own life and build you best future
NTA
Retirement is a point at which you have enough income from passive investments that you can quit working for money. Your Mom isn’t ready for retirement. She needs to be working to provide for her own needs.
Since you’re still paying for your own debts, you can’t really afford to be giving Mom any money. Also, giving her money enables her poor choices. Consider stopping giving her money at all. Giving her money hasn’t helped.
So many parents have this mentality of “oh my kids will work for me and make money for me in the future”
Well it’s time they find out it doesn’t quite work like that.
This is going to be an issue between you and your partner (if you have/will have) one.
Edit: NTA. Your mom is, though.
You’re 28. Still in the building stage of life. Kids who support parents in retirement need to be on the other side of working life, not starting it. Besides your mum’s not retirement age yet. Shut that down real fast
Your mum is the AH for expecting her kids to take care of her. She’s a fool for not making plans to secure her future. Also, she’s only 55! Does she work? If not it’s time for her to get a job!
NTA. Unless you took a loan from her, you owe her nothing.
Did you stand in line and ask to be born? No.
She needs to get a job. It’s not your duty to support her.
I’m sorry that you’re being manipulated like this.
Absolutely not. I raised 2 sons by myself and never expected them to support me. As of now, though, one son has been deceased for 10 yrs and I’m living with my older son, who is 65 and has been divorced for years. It works fine this way. I’m 84 and not in the best of health and this works for both of us since I can still take care of myself for the most part.
Your mother is rather young to have the kind of expectations she has.
NTA. I met a woman in Walmart the other day, checking me out who is turning 75! She supplements her social security with working 20 hours a week. She loves it. She also has a medical issue that sometimes leads her to have to run to the restroom and her check out line is directly across from where you send money, etc and someone comes to cover even if she is in the middle of a customer.
I’m sure your mother could get a job there after she retires. She has 10 years or more left to save for retirement. There are also low income housing she maybe could qualify for (if you are in the US).
Put up your strong boundaries now, because if you wait until she’s actually past working age that would be not good.
I’m very uncomfortable with the thought of taking money from my daughters. Um no, I want to leave them money like my mom did (luckily not only have I turned into my frugal mom, but my husband has too!)
She’s got about 10 years, so you’re giving her plenty of warning. You said “you kids” so do you have siblings? Time to conference and discuss. She needs a walk up call about how much is practical to expect and when it crosses a line. You guys are going to have lives of your own, families of your own etc. You should probably discuss that together and find the best way of telling her that.
These conversations are hard, but frankly if we all had them a little earlier on, we’d probably be better for it on the whole. You and your siblings can help keep each other objective when thinking about the best way to reach her. It’s easy to think about how selfish she is being and forget the moments that she sacrificed. Similarly for her, it’s easy for her to remember her sacrifices and think this is just reciprocity and forget that children are children. They have different responsibilities and entitlements than the adults that are their guardians, even when they grow up. The situation doesn’t just flip and now your mom gets to “be the kid now”.
Absolutely NTA.
Boundaries need to be set by you.
Missing info. Is there a disability? Was she SAH and has no skills?
Was she ever married for 10 yrs to someone? If she was she could she plan to collect on their SS at 60. If she’s disabled and worked she could get SSDI.
If she can’t afford where she is living you can help her fill out applications for low income Senior housing at 55. It can take years to get a place. Start now.
Helping her figure out how to be more financially independent would be a smart thing for all of you.
In those cultures, parents invest their savings into their kids future. They pay for college, help with a House down payment, pay their wedding…you get my drill. Kids have a head start in adulthood, In exchange, their kids take care of their parents in old age. It is not about taking and taking, but help each other out, and always buth parties should agree beforehand.it must be done out of LOVE, not obligatoon
For perspective-and not to give her an out because her behavior seems entitled-many parents: start young; have to play catch up with building enough funds for any number of things and to “get ahead”; then end up paying all sorts of ways toward their kids (sports, clothes, clubs, outings); then they reach middle age and are nervous that they won’t have money “to retire.” She still has time to make a plan and work it. She should be responsible for herself until she is unable to. Maybe OP can ask if she’d like a financial plan OR offer to pay for her to work with a debt counselor or financial counselor. Otherwise don’t give her money any more.
And how will you save for your own retirement if you’re bankrolling hers? Sounds like generational financial f*ckery that you wisely want no part in.
Also, as many have said, she’s 55. She needs to get to wor&.
Did she support her parents? If not, then there’s your response.
NTA. It is not your duty when she is the one that had you. You have already helped her. She is still young enough to work and earn her own money. I am working and am over 60.
My mother also told me this, but she didn’t choose to retire early before reaching the retirement age.
NTA! Your momma is only a few years older than me. Unless she has some type of disability, her butt should be working. Social Security, if it still exists when the time comes, will be available to her when she is either 65 or 67. She should be working and paying into it.
Tell her it’s time to pull herself up by her bootstraps and be big girl and go get a job to support herself.
im nearly 50, the last thing i want is my kids money. i want them to be successful, comfortable, happy and not struggle. i work full time, 4 adult kids and 2 grandkids. Your mom needs a job!
My wee mum never asked any us for a single penny even when my dad passed away at 60 . She just got on with it . She would have been about 55 got a wee job in a shop and with her pension from my dad’s work survived . But as she got into her 70s we would buy her shopping and pay her oil bill no and again . We had full access to her bank account and card . She always assumed we just took what she owed us but we never took a penny . Like you we were in well paid jobs and it was just paying her back . So tell her to go get a wee job somewhere and help out in Emergencys only .
nta. your mother isn’t your responsibility, and the fact that she put that on you is wrong. she’s only 55, so she can still work. i would straight up tell her that she’s an adult, you’re the son, and that she’s not your responsibility – if she wants to live comfortably, she needs to work for it, just like everybody else.
OP, you need to be saving for your own retirement. Don’t make hers your problem.
NTA if you pay for her retirement now, you won’t have the money to save for your own retirement! She’s 55 and she was obliged to pay for your childhood, you don’t owe her anything !
NTA. Tell mom this: I’m not abandoning you. I’m telling you what I am willing to help in emergencies (based on what I can provide withput setting myself on fire) but I cannot pay your way. You need to either work like I do or convince a wealthy 70-something year old to marry you.
No! It’s not your duty! She can get another job. I am older than her. She is fully capable of supporting herself. You tell her right and stop giving her money. She had her chance. You save your money for your retirement and save for your life goals. You are getting started. 55 is not that old. She could live another 40 years. You want to dole out money for all that time? She is still young enough to be saving for retirement. Keep your boundaries. You kids don’t owe to support her. You are allowed to live your own life.
wtf? I’m 54, plan on working at least 16 more years. I have three adult children and never for one second considered having one of them take care of me. That’s absurd!
Oh boy, sorry you’re in this position. It shouldn’t have to be your responsibility, but I think you and your siblings should invest in a financial planner for her before some disaster happens and she has to move in with one of you. I’d personally rather pay for that than giving her money directly that will just enable this behavior and drag the situation out. Is she eligible for SS? Does she have a job that offers a 401k plan?
NTA. She should go back to work, is she physically disabled? Dying? Mentally disabled? Considered unable to care for herself? If the answer is no to all those then maybe you should help her find a job that went be difficult for her and help her set up a savings account and talk to a financial advisor about how to set something up so in 10-15 years she will have at least a little savings to help her get by for a while.
NTA, she’s 55- she can still work.
No you’re not.
It is not your responsibility to support your mother. She still has options and unless there’s things you’re not telling us should still be able to work.
Also you’re young still. A lot can change in your life.
I understand things happen and she might need help sometimes. But her expectations should never be fully on her child
NTA. At 55 she can still work and save for retirement.
I’ve seen this same story many times on reddit. With usage selected from the same bunch of cliches used as nauseam on reddit like “it’s your duty” or “family helps family” or “you’re being petty and unsupportive”. It’s like Hollywood – no more original stories, just recycle old ones.
You get one life. Live it for yourself. She evidently did the same.
NTA. Family is there to support you when you’re down, because they love you, can afford to, ant want to. Not just out of some obligation. The idea that you’re paying your student loan debt tells me that you haven’t just been given everything… so I don’t see them having gone overboard for you. Also, with you saying In some cultures… that doesn’t apply so… do what you can and don’t feel bad.
If you allow this now it will spiral and you’ll have no life. You’ll not get married or have kids because nobody would put up with that. Ask your mother if she thinks you deserve to live? Or rather what kind of life she thinks you deserve? Be clear in telling her that if you were to work to take care of her then you’d have no life. Ask her if that’s fair to you as a human being.
Did she take care of her parents financially? I very much doubt it. You say you’re paying off student loans which tells me she didn’t fund your education either. So I’m assuming that she’s expecting all this because she had sex and made you?
As a parent I cannot understand why any other so called parent would put this level of expectation on their children. Parents are supposed to help their children! Fair enough when parents are older the kids can help with small things when failing health etc become a burden, however not at the cost to their lives.
She needs firmly and completely put in her place. Step outside of the emotions and look at this situation as it really is, if a friend told you this story what would you think? What would you tell them? What would you do in their shoes? Stop it before it snowballs.
Good luck
NTA I must admit, I keep telling my youngest that they don’t need to give me money, because they are saving to buy a house, and I think they should save that money too. They basically pay for the gas and electric, because they live here, but they actually spend little time here any more, just come home to sleep. It’s entirely up to you, if you don’t live at home, what if any financial assistance you give, and it’s not your job to finance her life. The more you give, the more she will expect, so if you are determined to not give her an allowance, you need to dig your heels in and keep saying No!
NTA. You may need to visit the estranged adult kids community. If you are paying rent for her at 55, you are in for a very long 25-30 years. She gave birth it is her job to raise you. You may want to look into to the narcissist communities as well. Good luck
Some states in the US have what’s called “filial responsibility”; financial responsibility varies state by state. Worth looking to see if your state is on the list and, if so, what you could end up having to deal with money-wise.
https://trustandwill.com/learn/what-states-have-filial-responsibility
Absolutely not. We are all supposed to be self sufficient. She should have been saving and planning. A failure to plan is a plan to fail.
Did she pay her parents a monthly handout?
Does she not work? She needs to get a job and start saving her money. You should refuse to pay her rent or her bills. She could live to be 90. You don’t want to start this or you will never be able to stop working while supporting her.
NTA suggest that Mom get a job and put money away for her retirement
Tell the truth, you have a life too.
Your Mom is being RIDICULOUS. I became a widow at 50. I was a SAHM. I have never asked my kids for one cent. I got a job. Your Mom should also. 😂
She sounds like her life plan was to be lazy, careless and a complete burden on you. NTA.
I don’t like Dave Ramsay as a person but I have listened to his show enough to know that he’s had 55 year olds who paid off their debts and started a decent retirement account. Send her some of those episodes. It sounds like she’s been a bit entitled her whole life if she’s asking you for rent. I would never ask my kids for money.
NTA. If your mom repeatedly asks for money then you need to get a complete understanding of her financial situation.
She gives up her right to privacy when she trys to manipulate you for support.
Your help can come from financial and budget planning. Help finding low income housing. Food banks. Social programs, job applications…
NTA. You cannot take care of her. She’s not your responsibility. She’s got to adult and pay her own bills.
We don’t know your history or culture or her work capability. Do offer to help her set a budget as she’s not living within her means. Do not be her financial rescue.
I am assuming that you are single with no children. If you decide later to marry, mom treating you like a 401K will not work. Stand your ground and stop giving her money. You have your own bills. Did she put you through college? No she didn’t.
Jesus Christ. She chose to have kids and raise them. That does not mean it becomes your responsibility to take care of her. She is 55, still fully capable of providing a nice income for herself. I would never think of expecting my children to pay my bills or take care of me. And when the time comes that I may need help, I will have a plan in place to relieve that stress from my kids. That audacity of your mother.
It is not your job or responsibility to care for your parents. That being said, if you can afford to do so and you want to then great!
It should not be eating you alive with stress.
Your mother is far from incapable. Tell her to save it for when she needs it (both her money and begging you for money).
NTA. You are right, she should have planned for retirement savings by herself. Like lots of people, she probably spent all her money when she was younger, because she wanted to enjoy life, and now that enjoyment is finished, she regrets.
Her wrong decision, hers to bear consequences for it, not you.
55 should have a job. Wtf.