I (26F) recently had a fight with my mom because my sister (21F) called out of work out of exhaustion. She works at a restraunt that overwork and mistreats her. I recently got out of a place like that (again) as well because it started to affect my own mental health.
Well my mom got mad at her because my sister and I have been helping pay most house expenses and calling out is a lost of money. She says that we can’t keep leaving jobs no matter the environment because “there are things that have to get paid.” She currently doesnt have a job and my stepfather is not very good at managing money so we are behind on various payments and they are in terrible debt.
I got upset at her for getting upset at my sister because she has been putting up with alot for something i feel is not our responsibility or faults. She got upset saying that we live in the house so ofc we are responsible. The back and forth continued with her bringing up irrelevant things like if I lived with my grandma, she wouldn’t accept this behavior.
We are close to losing our home and this stress has been getting to me for a long time. I haven’t even been able to get my own place because I put hundreds of dollars a month to this place. I even pay half of my family’s bills and things still are tight.
They want me to take out a loan to help paid bills that are behind and asked my sister to sell signed merchandise to pay things off even tho they know that means alot to her.
I feel like I should be grateful to have a place to live in and that complaining about everything I have to pay for is entitled but my other sister (20F), she wasnt raised with me, disagrees saying that the situation is unfair and that my parents are acting unfairly.
AITA for getting mad at my mom about our situation?
Edit: this should have been in the intial post, I apologize. There are 6 people living in my house. An added 18F and 13M. I didnt intially bring them up since they were apart of the posted issue.
My stepdad makes 100k a year but he tends to be frivolous with his money, and sometimes even we dont know where it goes. I also tend to be the person who pays for outside meals as they tend to expect it.
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I (26F) recently had a fight with my mom because my sister (21F) called out of work out of exhaustion. She works at a restraunt that overwork and mistreats her. I recently got out of a place like that (again) as well because it started to affect my own mental health.
Well my mom got mad at her because my sister and I have been helping pay most house expenses and calling out is a lost of money. She says that we can’t keep leaving jobs no matter the environment because “there are things that have to get paid.” She currently doesnt have a job and my stepfather is not very good at managing money so we are behind on various payments and they are in terrible debt.
I got upset at her for getting upset at my sister because she has been putting up with alot for something i feel is not our responsibility or faults. She got upset saying that we live in the house so ofc we are responsible. The back and forth continued with her bringing up irrelevant things like if I lived with my grandma, she wouldn’t accept this behavior.
We are close to losing our home and this stress has been getting to me for a long time. I haven’t even been able to get my own place because I put hundreds of dollars a month to this place. I even pay half of my family’s bills and things still are tight.
They want me to take out a loan to help paid bills that are behind and asked my sister to sell signed merchandise to pay things off even tho they know that means alot to her.
I feel like I should be grateful to have a place to live in and that complaining about everything I have to pay for is entitled but my other sister (20F), she wasnt raised with me, disagrees saying that the situation is unfair and that my parents are acting unfairly.
AITA for getting mad at my mom about our situation?
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> I feel like I should be grateful to have a place to live in and that complaining about everything I have to pay for is entitled
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA…Stop paying their bills. You and your sister get a place of your own. If you can, talk to grandma about living with her. Unless she is like your mom.
Do not take out any loans and do not sell anything of yours
It sucks the position you all are in. Being an adult sucks is you don’t have the luxury of just quitting a job bills don’t stop because of it. As an adult you need to get a new one before quitting. I don’t know why your mom doesn’t work.
Is it possible for you and your sister to move out together?
Nah
NTA, but why doesn’t your mother have a job if her finances so bad? And why doesn’t she do something about your step-dad?
20 years of working in restaurants here. There was a study where the stress of it was as high as surgeons, but even worse because you don’t get the money or respect. I believe it! Now I believe having a new job lined up before you leave another, but restaurants are a whole different animal. Take the time at home to find new jobs (it’s rough out there right now) then get out and be happy!!!
ESH. Your mom is correct that you shouldn’t just be quitting jobs without first having another one lined up, that’s just basic adulting. However, it also doesn’t seem like your parents are very responsible either and are leaning too heavily of you and your sister, parents should not encourage you taking out loans to pay for basic living expenses. If there are 4 adults living in the home, generally expenses should be split 4 ways.
NTA
Your mother doesn’t get to complain about your sister missing a day of work when mom misses work EVERYDAY!
Maybe YTA
If you have left education and entered the working world, you are responsible for paying your own bills in life. That means covering your share of the rent, utilities, food, etc. Some parents are able to subsidize their young adult offspring for a bit to allow them to save up for a house deposit, but that isn’t always possible.
Your bills don’t stop just because you don’t like your job. They just keep coming in a never ending onslaught. Quitting a job without having another one lined up is typically foolish and needs to be saved for extreme circumstances.
It’s possible your parents are asking for more than your fair share. If your parents are asking you to subsidize them because of their own financial mismanagement, then you and your sister should pool your resources and move out.
NTA tell her to get a different job. Better job
You are absolutely not an asshole here and whatever you do dont start taking up loans to finance your parents situation.
Bad economic habits are as inheritable as bad eating habits, try not to get locked into the same problems as your parents ( debt etc)
I believe in supporting family as much as one can when needed, but at your age it would be fine for you to leave and focus on yourself and let them handle this themself too.
I dont know the full situation, but seems like you and your sister might function as crutches for your parents bad economic habits, and as long as you are there they are not forced to change their ways.
Dont take up loans to support them, you are not an asshole in this situation, but everyone is under a lot of stress it seems.
NTA
You and your sister coukd find new jobs and move out,
Your parents need to sort their money issues out themselves.
You can only keep a sinking ship afloat so long.
The only other way to handle it is to see a debts consolidation- there are non profit ones.
If it’s worth it, you take over ownership of the house, perhaps with your sister, and your parents get an allowance and that ‘s it.
That way they re living in your house and you have a roof over your head.
The dynamics of this may not work out.
Obviously you can’t keep doing this for ever. Giving money to your dad is like pouring water into the desert sand.
I dint know why they dinr work- if they don’t they need to be getting whatever benefits they may be eligible for. And , they need to find a way to live within their means. They are not caring about your health or financial well being at all, so you need to put that in place, whether they like it, or not.
(I have lost track over who is whose bio patent and it really doesn’t matter.)
Maybe you go live with grandma? Maybe she’s just as bad. Who knows.
This could go both ways. It is entirely reasonable for an adult child living with parents to pay an agreed upon, reasonable rent. It is also reasonable of the adult child to contribute towards the other household expenses.
I’m reading this different because mom is making unreasonable demands and they are close to losing the home. That means they are acting entitled to the adult children’s wages to support their lifestyle. This is reinforced because they are in debt, stepdad has a money problem and mom doesn’t work while expecting her children to support her. With all of that, this smacks of financial abuse and NTA.
Now is the time for you and sis to leave and find a place of your own. Time to let the parents face the consequences of their adult choices and actions.
TBH, you say “…I should be grateful to have a place to live in and that complaining about everything I have to pay for is entitled…” That sounds like the exact lies and manipulation an entitled parent uses for financial abuse. As I said before, it is reasonable for an adult child to contribute to the household. It crosses any line when said child is expected to “pay half the bills” for four people – one of who doesn’t work.
I would do the standard things – run a free credit report and change all of my passwords. Make sure mom isn’t on your bank account.
NTA simply because they are expecting everyone else to pay the bills but aren’t contributing themselves. Also DO NOT take out a loan. It will help for five minutes and then be gone and you will have a higher monthly burden. Speaking from experience.
NTA. Your parents place is their responsibility. Never ever get a loan to cover someone else’s debt.
Move out, see how she gets on without both your paybacks.
NTA can’t you and your sister get a place together then whatever happens is not your problem. If your mom doesn’t work and your step father is not reliable then why should it fall to the 2 youngest. This is bullying, manipulation and wrong.
She is right in terms of you shouldn’t just leave a job before another one is set up first as it’s a life lesson. If you owned a house and had a mortgage you can’t just leave so that what k mean when I say be better prepared.
Your mom can’t preach to you when she doesn’t work and her partner also doesn’t pull in enough to pay things.
Would your grandma not put you 2 girls up in her house? I’m sure she would like the extra rent and company or if she like your mother?
Absolutely Nta but you and your sis need to run for the hills before they try to trap you two forever. DO NOT TAKE OUT A LOAN! That’s probably partly the reason they are struggling now themselves.
Even if it’s a one bedroom and you and your sister swap nights in the bedroom and set up the dining room as a second room, it’s better than this. Your parents won’t stop draining you, they won’t stop expecting you all to make their burdens belong to you two, they are asking you all to make bad financial decisions for their convenience with zero care if it hinders your stability.
If you two want help making the gameplan to run I’ll help yall fr 💀🤷♀️
NTA. Do NOT get a loan. nonononono. Do not let your sister sell her stuff. They can sell THEIR stuff.
And if you move out (with your sis or not) do NOT let them know where you moved to, otherwise you’ll get new roommates when they become homeless.
Repeat after me. “I will not take out any loans”. NTA
NTA mom and dad should be paying the household bills and you and sister should be contributing a few hundred dollars a month rent and saving the rest to move out.
>”there are things that have to get paid.” She currently doesnt have a job
Give her the number of your former employer, then. Clearly they have an opening and she thinks it’s a reasonable amount of work for the pay. Her bills need to be paid, right? That said, you both live with her and have no income?
>I haven’t even been able to get my own place because I put hundreds of dollars a month to this place.
TBF, you would have to pay hundreds a month to live anywhere. Living is expensive: rent, utilities, food… Who is making your meals? Who cleans? Are you contributing enough money to cover what it costs to house you? To provide you with any services your mother is providing? If you quit your job with a real landlord they wouldn’t yell at you they’d just evict you.
This feels like an INFO. You’re a grown adult and you have not told us how you and your grown sister are supporting yourselves without jobs. If that’s because you’re mooching off your mom and stepdad, tat’s different from if you’re paying your expenses and she still can’t cover whats left.
OP, you and your sister should move out, like yesterday! Please DO NOT TAKE A LOAN, that won’t solve your parents’ problems, it’d just prolong them and would drown you with them. You deserve better!
Do not take out a loan because they will not help you pay for it.
Sit down with them and have a budgeting meeting. Maybe that will open their eyes (or just your mom’s) that everyone in the household needs to work. Figure out what percent you are paying. There are 4 people living there so if you’re paying more than 25% then let them know your budget now includes saving to move out of there.
You’re 26 and an adult so it’s absolutely your responsibility to contribute to the household bills – proportionally.
If you get a loan it needs to be for you and your second working sister to afford a new place… If at all because wtf. Honestly depending on if your third sister is in college or high school the three of you could get established somewhere and then bring the little brother along later.
NTA
I think both you and your sister should get your own place (together) and let your mom and stepfather work it out themselfs. Their not going to try to get better unless theres no one supporting them. It sounds mean, but saddly, sometimes it’s necessary. Make a deal with your sister that nether if you guve then any money for at least one year and explain its to break the cycle of you both supporting your parents. Make sure you both understand if you dont break free, you’re going to living and supporting them when you’re 50
ESH! All this income, and still can’t pay the most basic of bills.
Your stepdad will have to step up and stop wasting his money when you leave. Leave.
Tell your mom to funnel all your Stephan’s paychecks into your account so the bills will get paid, since hes not man enogh to manage his expenses.
Youre an adult, so tou should contribute to the household, but not make up for their incompetence
Have they put your and sisters names on the title? No? Then you are spending money with no return, and no hope of this ending. Why should step-dad be good with money, or mom get a job when they have two indentured servants to do it for them?
NTA but as long as you two are bailing them out, this won’t get better. In fact it seems to be getting worse with them now asking you to go into debt for them. How will this end? You both with loans to pay off and bo asset to show for it, and they’ll probably still lose the house because they wont change. At least, they wont until their hand is forced and no one keeps bailing them out.
Can you and your sister leave? Paying high rent somewhere has to be better than dealing with someone who treats you like an ATM.
The only way this is fair is if you just pay rent and that’s all of your expenses. Your mother and stepfather need to learn how to budget better, that’s the biggest problem. It shouldn’t be on your back and it’s unfair.
Hell no, NTA. He brings in 100k a year and can’t keep up with bills? Mom either needs to get a job or figure out what her husband is spending all his money on.