AITA for telling my mom off after she texted my 12yo son. So for context my husband and my mother got in an argument over text. They both said things they shouldn’t have said. My husband stated how some things she said made him feel and how some of her actions made him feel when it comes to our youngest. She didn’t like that and they started arguing. My husband finally said fine I guess you won’t see her anymore referring to our daughter the youngest. At this point nothing was said about our oldest son. My mom proceeds to then text our oldest about how much she loves him and misses him and how she won’t see him anymore because mom and dad are mad at her. Now I knew my husband and mom were texting but didnt know they were actually arguing. My son sends me a screenshot of the message and says what is going on. I see the message and immediately get pissed off because to me this is manipulative as crap. To me it is trying to get a child involved in adults arguments when my son didn’t even need to know that his grandmother and father were arguing. I call my mother and go off on her for getting my child involved. I flat out told her, I thought it was manipulative and that she shouldn’t have done that because he didn’t need to know about adult things. For context she knows I try to keep my kids from seeing my husband and I argue when we do and things like that. I have also stated to her that I should have never heard her and my dad argue when I was a child because they were divorced and didn’t agree on things. I dont think it was healthy for me so I’m trying to keep that away from my children. When I confronted her about all this she tried to turn it around on me like I was saying I’m messed because of her and my dad fighting and saying that’s my excuse. I never said any of those things. I simply called to ask why the hell she texted my son that and that I didn’t appreciate it. (Also youngest doesn’t have a phone so she can’t text her). AITA?
Update: My husband told her that he feels like she treats our daughter like a second-class citizen vs. our son. My son isn’t biological his, but he adopted him whereas our daughter is biologically his. So he feels she gets treated differently due to this, and my mom also wasn’t the nicest to my husband. When we were dating, she even fully admitted now that she tried to run him off back then. She also will take our son at any given time to do things but rarely takes our daughter. I have also had a talk with him afterwards and explained to him that telling her she wouldn’t see her anymore wasn’t appropriate and my husband has tried to apologize but mom refuses to answer the phone so he sent a long text to her explaining that this was how he was feeling for a long time now and he let his emotions get the better of him. So honestly, im not mad at him. He saw where he messed up and apologized to me, our son, and my mom. But I know my mother she won’t see what she did as a bad thing. She hasn’t ever before.
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AITA for telling my mom off after she texted my 12yo son. So for context my husband and my mother got in an argument over text. They both said things they shouldn’t have said. My husband stated how some things she said made him feel and how some of her actions made him feel when it comes to our youngest. She didn’t like that and they started arguing. My husband finally said fine I guess you won’t see her anymore referring to our daughter the youngest. At this point nothing was said about our oldest son. My mom proceeds to then text our oldest about how much she loves him and misses him and how she won’t see him anymore because mom and dad are mad at her. Now I knew my husband and mom were texting but didnt know they were actually arguing. My son sends me a screenshot of the message and says what is going on. I see the message and immediately get pissed off because to me this is manipulative as crap. To me it is trying to get a child involved in adults arguments when my son didn’t even need to know that his grandmother and father were arguing. I call my mother and go off on her for getting my child involved. I flat out told her, I thought it was manipulative and that she shouldn’t have done that because he didn’t need to know about adult things. For context she knows I try to keep my kids from seeing my husband and I argue when we do and things like that. I have also stated to her that I should have never heard her and my dad argue when I was a child because they were divorced and didn’t agree on things. I dont think it was healthy for me so I’m trying to keep that away from my children. When I confronted her about all this she tried to turn it around on me like I was saying I’m messed because of her and my dad fighting and saying that’s my excuse. I never said any of those things. I simply called to ask why the hell she texted my son that and that I didn’t appreciate it. (Also youngest doesn’t have a phone so she can’t text her). AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I called my mom and told her off after she texted my 12 year old. AITA for calling her and telling her she is manipulative for doing that
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Not the asshole your mom sounds like a narcissist.
Ewww your mom is stinky. NTA OP
NTA re your mom, I agree that sounds super manipulative and I’d be ticked too (I also have a 12 yo son).
I’d challenge your “no adults arguing in front of kids” stance slightly; I think there’s a difference between two adults that are divorced fighting over stuff, and two married partners having a respectful argument in front of the kids. One has scope to be toxic as hell, but the second can help teach kids HOW to have a respectful argument. I’m from the “never saw my parents argue” camp, and it took me a looooooong time to develop good behaviors in that regard.
Mom needs put in a time out. She is engaging in parental alienation. Your Mom doubling down should tell you all you need to know. This is a person who is abusive and does not care. I’d sit the kids down and tell all the dirty secrets burn that bridge to the ground. Ask yourself is better if she in your children’s lives or not? Just because she is your mom is a good reason to keep her around. She is abusive and you should break the cycle and protect your kids from her.
ES- It was your husband the first one to involve a minor when he threatened your mom she wouldn’t see her grandkid any more. If he had an issue with your mom, that’s how it should’ve been handled, adults only.
NTA. But your mom… oof. She certainly proved your point.
NTA, your Mother should not have sent that message to your son. However, your Husband is also TA. He weaponized your daughter against your Mother, so in essence he also brought the children into it.
100% NTA
Whoa, NTA. Your mom is, well…something. to get kids involved in an adult argument is messed up. And you’re right, it is manipulative. And great job for recognizing that and defending your family. She will make you feel bad but just because she’s your mom doesn’t make her a good (or bad) person. Like our loved ones can and will have narcissistic traits, if they can’t see it for themselves and correct their behaviour, then it’s so important to be able to see that and know when and where to set boundaries. Truly the hardest part. And the closer they are to you (eg. Parents) the harder it is. So again, great job!
NTA. She knew exactly what she was doing.
NTA and you should block both kids’ phones from her. You are absolutely right that adults should not expose kids to adults’ conflicts. Your mother not only purposefully dragged your son in; when you told her it was wrong she argued with you about that. She cannot be trusted alone with your children, either by text or in person. Sad.
NTA Granny be playing games and she lost!
ESH
Your mom is a child and has no boundaries and obviusly no qualms in making her own grandchildren upset. That’s unbelievably awful but clearly given her history with her divorce and how she had no problem putting it all out there for you to see, no surprise how she has no issue doing it to her grandchildren. That’s terrible.
Your husband is also awful. Why is he arguing with your mom and shouln’t you be partially involved/aware of what’s going on? I would imagine that you and husand should be sharing a united front especially stuff about your kids. You should set that rule.
He’s most awful though for unilaterally deciding not to let your mother see your kids? What the actual eff??? First, he’s weaponizing your kids in his fight with her and second, he jumped to this level of crazy without talkign to you? Wow.
Edit to say, onlly ones NTA are you and the kids. Although you WILL be TA if you don’t jump in and set hubby and mom straight. this is YOUR family, and you need to be involved.
You need to block her on your kids phone so she can not contact them
ESH – I did not see an example of healthy communication from anyone other than your son who came to you when he received an inappropriate message.
It’s not unhealthy for kids to see disagreement, in fact it’s important to demonstrate healthy methods of disagreement, reconciliation, and setting firm but feasible boundaries.
However, here I find that to be near impossible given the behavior of all of the adults here. Your mother is wrong and shouldn’t have involved your child, not behaved inappropriately toward the other. Your husband should not have made a choice like that without first communicating with you, and setting a plan and boundaries around it. You should not call people to ‘go off’ on them, instead of taking time to have clear conversation wherein each side leaves understanding where they stand.
This seems to be the apple, not falling from the tree in terms of communication, which as a learned behavior isn’t very shocking; but you have the opportunity to change that and be intentional and thoughtful about how you want to show your children it’s appropriate to communicate.
NTA absolutely manipulative. Tell her she’s getting blocked on son’s phone for this outrageous act.
NTA for being annoyed with your mum but I would be equally annoyed with your husband for escalating a fight to the point of threatening to prevent contact without telling you and discussing it first. Why is he having text arguments with your mum in any case- that should have been shut down far earlier.
NTA. A slight situation happened to me like this. My mil ruined her life took her in for a few months. I gave her 3-4mths to get back on her feet. NO ONE WANTED TO TAKE HER IN. 2 of her children don’t speak to her. Her family doesn’t like my mil. So I took her in right then I found out she was telling my neighbors that I treat my son horrible and was abusive to him. Kicked her ass out that same day. But all of a sudden the daughter that wants nothing to do with her wanted begged me to give her a day and I said I’ll be the bigger person and give her 2 but she’s OUT. they thought I was bluffing…..day came; no one picked her up. Took her to the shelter dropped her off. Then suddenly my niece starts texting my husband all these angry texts about why we threw her grandma out when she doesn’t even like her either. 😭🤣🤣. Comical. So then I text the niece telling her if you got an issue come argue with me it’s my home I kicked her out not your uncle ME!!!! she kept going back to my husband BTW she didn’t know what was happening my SISTER-IN-LAW who hates her mom started manipulating the situation because her guilty conscience about abandoning her own mom took over. She texted my niece that we were kicking her grandma out because we just didn’t want to bother with her anymore. so she thought it’d be best to tear apart a family even more because of her guilt. And now me and my husband are good it’s sad but we’re good and now they’re all in very unhappy situations. I found out recently my niece got kicked out of the house she was staying in temporarily and idk wtf happened to her or where she is but hey she told us that we weren’t her family so 🤷🏻♀️
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NTA block her number on your kids phones until she learns to be. An adult/stops the manipulations
NTA your mom had no right to say that to your son. that was manipulative and any child would be frightened. whatever your husband and mom were arguing about is besides the point. text you would make sense, but your son? no context makes her text to her grandson appropriate
ESH except your kids, who are the ones most behaving like adults here and not getting everyone involved in their petty bullshit and having what seem to be absolutely stupid arguments where you contradict yourselves and emotionally respond.
NTA
It’s obvious mom shouldn’t have texted your son.
At this point you have to tell son what they fought about, and why her text was wrong to send. Tell him grandmas in time out for a bit. Block her number on his phone and ask him to not unblock her- not forever, just for a bit until or if this issue sorts itself out.
If grandma said or did something that made your H feel she slighted your D, tell him that in your family we stuck up for each other, even against grandma when they’re being mean.
He’s 12, is it really going to impact his every day life if he doesn’t see or talk to grandma for a bit? (That wouldn’t even be a blip for my kids at that age)
NTA I’m this case but it is absolutely important for children to see examples of healthy adult conflict. My husband and I don’t argue much, to the point one of our kids said we never argued. A few weeks ago we did have a disagreement and his eyes were shining, his drama llama engaged, and he said, “You guys do fight!” That said, we were both regulated, didn’t call each other names or raise our voices, and kept the discussion to the issue at hand. I don’t even remember what it was about, but at least now he’s seen what it looks like to have a healthy disagreement.
NTA. Your mother is manipulative and doesn’t love both of YOUR children equally. Although, to be honest, her text to your son doesn’t show a lot of love for him, only that he’s a tool for her war against your husband.
Time to go NC on her.
You can explain to your son how she doesn’t have good boundaries.
NTA – time to get a new number for your son. I was going to suggest blocking her but your mother could just message him from another number.
So you knew your mother was treating your daughter this way all along and did nothing? Have you and your husband spoke before about the mistreatment, or do you just ignore it? NTA about her involvement of your son in the argument, but definitely YTA for letting her get away with her behavior towards your daughter and your husband.
NTA. Toxic behavior to involve her grandson in all this.