For context, | (20F) have a 14 year old brother who has absolutely no respect for anyone around him. I am bigger in size and he constantly makes remarks around that, commenting on how empty my social life is, as well as bringing up my own depression and past attempts. I still live with my mom and moving out isn’t quite an option yet.
My mom caves into my brother’s antics all of the time. He will act out, cry and scream, and then my mom takes him to some kind of event that he enjoys. There is absolutely no follow through when he gets punished whereas when I was his age, if I spoke the way he did I would have lost every single privilege you could think of. I try talking to my brother and figuring out the real root of the problem but he can’t have a single conversation with me without taking a jab at my weight and appearance. I also want to note that my father passed away four years ago, my brothers behavior was always nasty but I think it worsened. So anyways, my brother comes home and he’s telling me that the dogs got into the trash and I needed to clean it up. I tell him that he should do something around the house for once in his life (he never cleans, he can’t wash his own clothes) and so he calls my mom and tells her what I said.
My mom yelled at me saying that I shouldn’t be telling my brother what to do. I told her if she hadn’t done such a horrible job raising him then this phone call wouldn’t have even occurred. This was about a week ago and things are kind of awkward between the two of us. My mom has done absolutely nothing about my brother’s behavior for years and I am beyond fed up with how disrespectful and rude he is. I don’t expect him to treat me like a professional or someone with higher ranking, I just want him to see me as his sister and not his punching bag.
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For context, | (20F) have a 14 year old brother who has absolutely no respect for anyone around him. I am bigger in size and he constantly makes remarks around that, commenting on how empty my social life is, as well as bringing up my own depression and past attempts. I still live with my mom and moving out isn’t quite an option yet.
My mom caves into my brother’s antics all of the time. He will act out, cry and scream, and then my mom takes him to some kind of event that he enjoys. There is absolutely no follow through when he gets punished whereas when I was his age, if I spoke the way he did I would have lost every single privilege you could think of. I try talking to my brother and figuring out the real root of the problem but he can’t have a single conversation with me without taking a jab at my weight and appearance. I also want to note that my father passed away four years ago, my brothers behavior was always nasty but I think it worsened. So anyways, my brother comes home and he’s telling me that the dogs got into the trash and I needed to clean it up. I tell him that he should do something around the house for once in his life (he never cleans, he can’t wash his own clothes) and so he calls my mom and tells her what I said.
My mom yelled at me saying that I shouldn’t be telling my brother what to do. I told her if she hadn’t done such a horrible job raising him then this phone call wouldn’t have even occurred. This was about a week ago and things are kind of awkward between the two of us. My mom has done absolutely nothing about my brother’s behavior for years and I am beyond fed up with how disrespectful and rude he is. I don’t expect him to treat me like a professional or someone with higher ranking, I just want him to see me as his sister and not his punching bag.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 I told my mom she didn’t do a good job raising her kid
2 She’s a single mother who works M-F so she doesn’t always have the most time
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Her lack of parenting won’t help him with anything in life. How is his behavior in school?
Even with serious intervention, such as family therapy, I don’t see this ingrained situation changing dramatically in time to make your living situation tolerable for you. So while I would suggest that you see if your mother will agree to family therapy (which you would frame in terms of helping everyone get along better, or coping with the aftermath of your father’s death, or something non-threatening, as opposed to the terrible job she’s doing with your brother and his appalling behavior), I think that moving toward that “not quite an option” of living elsewhere would be of the most benefit to you.
In the meantime, before you can afford to live independently and support yourself, is there another relative with whom you could stay while beefing up your vocational skills or education on your way to financial independence?
What you said to your mother was accurate. NTA
NTA. It’s a good thing that your mother is feeling the tension with you, because she has betrayed your trust.
Maybe your mother can watch the Netflix series Adolescence to understand why she needs to take greater responsibility here.
You’re frustrated, but telling her she did a bad job raising your brother isn’t going to win you any argument points.
ESH
And as a family, the three of you should watch Adolescence. It may not be that your mom is a lousy parent so much as it is the culture is a lousy environment and breeding little (male) monsters.
ESH
A 20 year old female, still living at home, self described as overweight, no social life, and depressed. Mix that with a 14M going through puberty and in the middle of the “complete jackass” stage of his life. This must be a fun household.
In all seriousness, you are grown. You might be correct, she may have done an absolutely horrible job raising him. Maybe the fact that your father died four years ago and your brother was 10, makes her want to baby him more. But the reality is, he’s still a minor, and you’re an adult living at home. Whether you are right or not, is irrelevant, your mother is right, it is not your place to tell you 14 year old brother what to do. He shouldn’t be telling you what to do either, but like it or not, you are not his mother or guardian.
As someone self described as overweight and depressed, and being 20 and unable to move out, maybe you should stop worrying about your brother and focusing on yourself. Work on improving yourself. Go on a diet, seek out counseling and/or medication for the depression, work on securing a job (or better job) and remove yourself from a situation you don’t like. Focusing on your 14 year old brother being a jackass, as most boys that age are, does nothing for you.
Not the a-hole. Your mom is parenting with vibes and snacks instead of boundaries 💀 someone had to say it.
I get the frustration – but as long as you live in your mother’s house, you owe her respect. Ignore your brother’s comments, and avoid engaging with him. Work on that social life so you have places to be and people to be with so you’re not constantly where he is, and work on what you need to do to move out — because that is the harsh reality of how you will be able to improve your situation, and how much contact you have with your brother and mother.
If he is punching you and your mother is not doing anything about it, can you go to the authorities or any sort of social services? If not, is there nowhere else you can live – grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins, etc?
You can’t make people treat you the way you want, or even the way you should. The best you can do is get away from the people who don’t treat you well as quickly as you can. I hope things improve, or that you can move out quickly.
Edited to add: Whether you like what your mother is doing or not, you area an adult while your brother is a minor. If things in the household get bad for your mother, who do you think she will kick out? Her minor child that she is likely legally responsible for, or you … who she may not be legally responsible for if you are no longer considered a minor where you live?
Unfortunately, YTA
You are 20yo living at home, you can leave. Everyone thinks their younger siblings have it better. Maybe so or maybe not, but there isn’t any point in telling a mom she is terrible or trying to boss them around – nobody wants your opinion.
This doesn’t mean your brother is good and you’re terrible. We’re only getting your side, but the facts are that a 20yo should not be fighting with a 14yo.