I (29f) had a fight with my mother (57f). She asked me how to do a time deposit via mobile banking app and I showed her how. This is the hundredth times she asked me how to do it, and I’m fine with it. What I’m not fine with, is that she’s making this deposit for her sister, my aunt (42f). A little backstory, my aunt was born with cleft lip. The cause of that cleft lip was either the antibiotics my grandma had during pregnancy for her bronchitis, or the big fall my grandma had because my mom refused to help her lifting stuff when she herself was dead exhausted from school and work (she was in HS, my mom started working at 12 because they were poor). Because of this, my mom always feels responsible for my aunt’s disability.
That said, my mom singlehandedly paid for all my aunt and 2 other younger siblings’ school fees until they graduated college. My grandpa was laid off and refused to find another job, my grandma passed away when my mom was 26. My mom also paid for my aunt’s cleft lip surgery during my aunt’s high school, three times, until it’s perfectly normal now. She found a job for my aunt and my aunt’s been working there until now. My aunt got pregnant 14yrs ago and the guy dipped. My mom paid for her labor and helped a lot financially to raise my cousin because my aunt’s salary is impossible to cover everything.
Numerously, my uncle (60m) had told my aunt of a better job position with better salary, as long as she wants to learn a little bit of extra skills (English or excels). My aunt always declined, and chose to stay at the job my mom found for her, dead end, no career ladder, limited salary increase too. She also lives with my grandpa (we live with parents until we get married here), and everytime there’s problem in that house, she’ll immediately ask my mom what to do. In my eyes, my aunt depends way too much on my mom and my mom is enabling it. When I brought this up to my mom, she was upset with me and cried. She said how could she not help her sister? She said I can’t judge her because I live with perfect love from both parents, have no visible disability, and have never been poor. She said she saw how my aunt was bullied by all the kids back then, how she has no confidence; how could she abandon her now?
I didn’t ask her to abandon my aunt, I told her what she’s doing is enabling. Helping is teaching her how to do the time deposit herself. Helping is showing her how to make a new account in bank. Enabling, is doing all of those for her. How will my aunt live when my mom pass away? Not surprisingly, my mom said, my aunt had said she’d rely on her daughter/my cousin then. My mom said I was juding my aunt bcs I’m privileged.
This is the same mother who refused to help me with any kind of school work, told me to never cry or ask help from anyone because I have to be tough and survive on my own; when I WAS A CHILD. So it’s okay to tell these things to your own child, but not okay to your adult sibling? Am I really the AH here?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I (29f) had a fight with my mother (57f). She asked me how to do a time deposit via mobile banking app and I showed her how. This is the hundredth times she asked me how to do it, and I’m fine with it. What I’m not fine with, is that she’s making this deposit for her sister, my aunt (42f). A little backstory, my aunt was born with cleft lip. The cause of that cleft lip was either the antibiotics my grandma had during pregnancy for her bronchitis, or the big fall my grandma had because my mom refused to help her lifting stuff when she herself was dead exhausted from school and work (she was in HS, my mom started working at 12 because they were poor). Because of this, my mom always feels responsible for my aunt’s disability.
That said, my mom singlehandedly paid for all my aunt and 2 other younger siblings’ school fees until they graduated college. My grandpa was laid off and refused to find another job, my grandma passed away when my mom was 26. My mom also paid for my aunt’s cleft lip surgery during my aunt’s high school, three times, until it’s perfectly normal now. She found a job for my aunt and my aunt’s been working there until now. My aunt got pregnant 14yrs ago and the guy dipped. My mom paid for her labor and helped a lot financially to raise my cousin because my aunt’s salary is impossible to cover everything.
Numerously, my uncle (60m) had told my aunt of a better job position with better salary, as long as she wants to learn a little bit of extra skills (English or excels). My aunt always declined, and chose to stay at the job my mom found for her, dead end, no career ladder, limited salary increase too. She also lives with my grandpa (we live with parents until we get married here), and everytime there’s problem in that house, she’ll immediately ask my mom what to do. In my eyes, my aunt depends way too much on my mom and my mom is enabling it. When I brought this up to my mom, she was upset with me and cried. She said how could she not help her sister? She said I can’t judge her because I live with perfect love from both parents, have no visible disability, and have never been poor. She said she saw how my aunt was bullied by all the kids back then, how she has no confidence; how could she abandon her now?
I didn’t ask her to abandon my aunt, I told her what she’s doing is enabling. Helping is teaching her how to do the time deposit herself. Helping is showing her how to make a new account in bank. Enabling, is doing all of those for her. How will my aunt live when my mom pass away? Not surprisingly, my mom said, my aunt had said she’d rely on her daughter/my cousin then. My mom said I was juding my aunt bcs I’m privileged.
This is the same mother who refused to help me with any kind of school work, told me to never cry or ask help from anyone because I have to be tough and survive on my own; when I WAS A CHILD. So it’s okay to tell these things to your own child, but not okay to your adult sibling? Am I really the AH here?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Telling my mom she’s enabling my aunt by doing everything for her.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
First, cleft lip woudn’t have been caused by a fall. Your mom is fully in the clear and should have no guilt, except maybe she feels guilt that SHE was ok while her sister was not.
Second, you’re bang on, enabling is not helping anything and it’s up to your mom to understnad that and do something about it. You’re a grown up and you notice things so I don’t think it’s far fetched for you to share your opinion.
Finally though, be careful becuase you’re doing the same with your mom (you show her how to do the banking yet she asks you a hundred times and you keep doing it.) Maybe you can model for her how to truly HELP, not DO for her. Next time she asks, ask her to do it while you are there to correct if needed. When she gets it, then she now can do that, and she can see what ‘help’ looks like.
NAH
Just family members who emerged from a very difficult situation, now in a different situation.
Sure maybe it looks like she is enabling your aunt now, but she did do long term things like pay for her surgery and her education, got her a job. In middle age your aunt is not going to magically gain self confidence and career advancement – learning English for example is extremely difficult for older people esp with confidence issues.
It is true that you can’t understand what they went through being poor and your aunt having a facial difference. You may want to do some research on facial differences and how they effect people esp back in the day. Your aunt is a survivor and is lucky to be doing as well as she is (having a job etc)
The reason I vote for NAH is that you are also looking for love and support and kindness from your mother who may have been burnt out by supporting her entire family.
Here is one example of where better understanding can help emotionally. cleft lips are not caused by a fall in late pregnancy so she should absolve herself ofnguilt there. Cleft lips are usually genetic tho medication is a possibility I guess, and your aunt may have been the right age to be a thalidomide baby which can cause cleft lips and palate. Regardless it is not your mom’s fault.
The best way to heal from intergenerational trauma is not to demand that near-retirement age aunties suddenly boost thier career tho. It’s to listen with love and understanding and compassion and ask for that in return. Your family has been in a battle for survival but it may be time to put down the weapons of harshness and blame and pick up traditions like the amazing support that family members have shown each other.
They managed to survive physically and economically but it is your task generationally to heal emotionally. Looking at the past with new eyes is part of that, but possibly also therapy, meditation, prayer- whatever healing modalities work for you.
YTA-you didn’t explain anywhere in your post how this is any of your business or how any of this effects you at all.