I (18F) live at home and split time between my divorced parents — about 3 weeks with each. Lately, my mom and I have been getting into frequent small arguments, and I’m starting to feel overwhelmed.
We’ve always clashed a bit. My mom can be really controlling: she wants to know every detail when I go out, constantly reminds me about things I already do (like flossing), and is really strict about money. When I had a children’s bank account, she would literally check it daily and question me about any spending. She has a decent income, owns a nice apartment, and her parents (my grandparents) are wealthy, so I don’t fully understand why she’s so stressed about money all the time.
One recurring fight is over how long I shower. I wash my hair twice a week, which takes me around 25–30 minutes total. I even turn the water off while conditioner or a hair mask is sitting — a habit I actually learned from her! Still, she knocks on the door to complain, saying I take too long. Today it happened again, and we got into another fight. She thinks 2-minute showers (sometimes even without soap!) are fine, and worries about the water bill.
I’ve told her that I’m not being wasteful and that I literally can’t shower faster given my routine. When I bring up how she’s being too controlling, she gets defensive and says she’s just being a normal parent. I’ve also told her that I’d rather live more with my dad since he’s much more relaxed and not so critical — but I can tell that hurts her feelings. She gets sad when I say stuff like that, and I don’t want to upset her, but I also feel like I have a right to speak up since I spend so much time living with her.
So… AITA for calling her controlling and saying I’d rather live with my dad?
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I (18F) live at home and split time between my divorced parents — about 3 weeks with each. Lately, my mom and I have been getting into frequent small arguments, and I’m starting to feel overwhelmed.
We’ve always clashed a bit. My mom can be really controlling: she wants to know every detail when I go out, constantly reminds me about things I already do (like flossing), and is really strict about money. When I had a children’s bank account, she would literally check it daily and question me about any spending. She has a decent income, owns a nice apartment, and her parents (my grandparents) are wealthy, so I don’t fully understand why she’s so stressed about money all the time.
One recurring fight is over how long I shower. I wash my hair twice a week, which takes me around 25–30 minutes total. I even turn the water off while conditioner or a hair mask is sitting — a habit I actually learned from her! Still, she knocks on the door to complain, saying I take too long. Today it happened again, and we got into another fight. She thinks 2-minute showers (sometimes even without soap!) are fine, and worries about the water bill.
I’ve told her that I’m not being wasteful and that I literally can’t shower faster given my routine. When I bring up how she’s being too controlling, she gets defensive and says she’s just being a normal parent. I’ve also told her that I’d rather live more with my dad since he’s much more relaxed and not so critical — but I can tell that hurts her feelings. She gets sad when I say stuff like that, and I don’t want to upset her, but I also feel like I have a right to speak up since I spend so much time living with her.
So… AITA for calling her controlling and saying I’d rather live with my dad?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I called my mom out for being controlling and said I would rather live with my dad. That might make me an asshole since some people would call the things I called her out on just small things and when I call her out I know that it hurts her feelings
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You’re the ass for TELLING her that instead of just doing it. She’s not going to change. Just go live with your dad, you’re an adult.
Question; do you actually want to move to your dad’s? As an 18 year old you can decide where to spend your time. If you don’t actually want to live with your dad and just are making your mom feel bad then you might be more info is required
>I don’t want to upset her
When you were a child, mainly a really young one, did you ever misbehave in a way that caused your parents to punish you? And if so, was that upsetting, or was it a fun experience?
No-one enjoys being told that they’re behaving badly, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t need to be told.
You mother is misbehaving. When she gets upset at being told that then it’s a consequence of her own behaviour. You don’t need to feel guilty about it because you’re not responsible for it, she is.
NTA…You’re just being honest about how you feel. If it hurts your mother’s feelings, she needs to reflect on her behaviour and how it makes you feel. She can’t simply brush off your concerns as “normal parenting.” You’re an adult now and your relationship dynamic is going to change dramatically. She needs to face that.
It is totally fine to prioritise your well being and to choose to live more independently rather than with micromanager. Better to do it now so that you don’t regret it later.
NTA. Being careful with money is one thing, but controlling how long someone is allowed to shower is not okay imo.
NAH. She’s just being her, you’re just being you. Also you’re 18 and can make your own choices. If you want to live with your father, and that’s OK with him, just go there.
But don’t just keep complaining and hanging around. You know how your mother is. That’s how she is. Telling her how you feel about it hasn’t changed her yet, and it’s not going to.
I think you telling her that she is overly controlling is fine. Telling her that you prefer to live with your Dad may be true. I see that as an unnecessarily hurtful barb. Your mom sounds like she may be dealing with unusually high anxiety. People who have high control needs often are. A calm conversation with her asking for collaboration about how to loosen control might be useful. As far as money goes, at 18 living under parents’ roofs you may have a limited idea of how the cost of daily living adds up and how far her “decent income” goes. The wealth of her parents is irrelevant. That’s not her money. There’s a reason she’s fearful about money. You don’t know what that is and it may not make sense to you that she is (or that it would even if you did know), but there’s a reason for everything we do.
The thing is, you’re 18. That means you’re an adult. Your parents don’t have to support you anymore.
Your mother does sound annoying. However, I’m guessing you don’t pay your own bills! When you have to figure out how to cover someone else’s bills as well as your own on a single salary, then you’ll understand where your mother is coming from.
A 30-minute shower is really excessive, even if you have the water off for five or 10 minutes.
Honestly, it sounds like you’re very spoiled.
Because you’re an adult how, here’s what I recommend:
– If you want to continue taking ridiculously long showers, offer to cover the water bill and also part of the bill for heating the water.
– When your mother reminds you to floss, remind her you’re an adult and that you will no longer respond to that kind of reminder.
– Think very hard about the situation with your dad. Have you ever lived with him for long periods of time before? I bet he will be a lot less relaxed once he actually has to pay for you.
Summary: it’s likely your mother is struggling to understand you’re an adult now, but you’re not acknowledging how expensive you are for her and how much she has done for you. You seem to feel entitled to cost her a lot of money.
Bruh you’re 18 now, not 14. You’re an adult, an entitled one at that. Stop acting like a child
NTA and no mom is not being a normal parent. She’s being overly critical and controlling. You’re an adult, if you want to go live with dad and he’s OK with it. Do it. You can still visit then leave if she starts in. Eventually she’ll realize if she wants to see you she needs to change.
Rather than arguing about it, why not actually go live with your dad if he’s willing to have you? You’re old enough to decide. NTA.
Step one is getting your own bank account. Personally, I would sit down and talk to her about what you are feeling. If she throws up a brick wall then consider moving in with your dad full time. If she is somewhat listening to you suggest you get a few counselling sessions to work out your relationship.
NTA.
You are 18. You don’t have to go to house if you don’t want to. But you really should have started moving your stuff from her house to your dad’s before saying anything. You never know what she’d do to it given how controlling she is.
NTA. Some relationships work better with space. This is why there are some friends who I love dearly that I would never live with because I know we won’t be good roommates, we just live differently. My old college roommate only gets along with her mom when she’s at uni, away from home. Once she’s back home during break, they’re butting heads within 3 days.
Your mother can change the inclination you have to move in with your dad by not micromanaging your life. If she’s not capable of letting you shower the way you prefer and trusting you with money, she’s destroying your relationship with her.
You would be better off to have distance so she’s not as involved in your life. Sometimes tearing the band aid off is better than peeling it off slowly.
Do you pay any of the bills? Were you reckless at all with your money as a teen?
Your grandparents having money doesn’t necessarily translate to your mom having money and your mom may, in her own way trying to impress upon you how to view bills and spending
Yes you are an adult, but if you aren’t working or contributing to the household she is within her rights to ask you to not waste money. It’s not the best way to do it, and you are more than welcome to move out or in with your dad
The transition from child to adult is rough, and I had similar experiences with my parents
NAH.
At 18, you are an adult and you can and should now open a new bank account in DIFFERENT bank in your own name, if you haven’t already. Some banks don’t properly disconnect family accounts even when requested by an adult child. So, her being controlling about your account won’t be a problem any more.
She IS being too controlling as a parent. This may be because she’s realizing that you are grown up and won’t be around much longer. She will be losing her role as “mother” and she doesn’t like that. Unfortunately this is manifesting at “holding on too tight” which will cause her to lose you.
I suppose one way you could turn this around is to say “Mom, I need to wash my hair today. Is it OK if I take a 24 minute shower here, if I turn off the water while I’m conditioning? Or should I go over to Dad’s?”