I currently live with my mom and her husband. i (24F) have lived with them for around 6 months now. I am actually rarely there and spend almost all of my time with my current partners family. This is because I work about 2 hours away from my moms place and its just harder for me to drive all the way to their place after a long shift.
My stepdad is a recovering alcoholic and only got sober about 9 months ago. He has been sober because he had a manic episode that ended with a hole shot through the ceiling, my mom pushed to the floor, and him being tackled naked by 5 cops. I was still living in a different state at this time and didn’t find out about this till much later. He was then put in rehab and diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.
There was another manic episode at some point where my mom got in her car and left and he followed behind in his (naked again for some reason) and drove her off the road. He then covered her car in gasoline while she was stuck in a ditch, attempting to burn the car? Im assuming. Both of these episodes he was having PTSD flashbacks and wasnt really mentally present. He would NEVER intentionally harm anyone.
I was not living with them when this happened either. For more context they also live in a very rural area.
Since Ive lived there I havent witnessed anything very scary but a few weeks ago I did get a call from my mom telling me that my stepdad has stopped taking his meds and he’s at his buddy’s house hallucinating. I went to my moms place and watched their animals while my mom tried to deal with him.
After this last situation and the many before this I told my mom I was not completely comfortable being there all the time. My stepdad is very sweet and nice when he is sober and medicated but he isn’t always actually staying sober and medicated. There are many guns in the house and I get worried sometimes that hes going slip into another manic episode and hallucinate and actually kill one of us. It wouldn’t be intentional but I still am scared of him.
Tonight I made a comment talking to them on the phone and I am not there all the time because their town isn’t very safe for a minority like me and then I alluded to their being other reasons. I did not realize he had heard me and my stepdad got very angry. I sent him a text saying that it wasnt about him it was about the town, which was a lie. He told me to fuck off and that until I can have an adult conversation with him he’s “dead to me”.
I then got into it with my mom and was told that im being cruel and that my stepdad chose to love me when he didn’t have to (they got married while I was in college). AITA for thinking its okay for me to be scared of him? Like I understand its not his fault and he does have a mental illness but im not the one that married him, I didn’t sign up for this.
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I currently live with my mom and her husband. i (24F) have lived with them for around 6 months now. I am actually rarely there and spend almost all of my time with my current partners family. This is because I work about 2 hours away from my moms place and its just harder for me to drive all the way to their place after a long shift. My stepdad is a recovering alcoholic and only got sober about 9 months ago. He has been sober because he had a manic episode that ended with a hole shot through the ceiling, my mom pushed to the floor, and him being tackled naked by 5 cops. I was still living in a different state at this time and didn’t find out about this till much later. He was then put in rehab and diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. There was another manic episode at some point where my mom got in her car and left and he followed behind in his (naked again for some reason) and drove her off the road. He then covered her car in gasoline while she was stuck in a ditch, attempting to burn the car? Im assuming. Both of these episodes he was having PTSD flashbacks and wasnt really mentally present. He would NEVER intentionally harm anyone.
I was not living with them when this happened either. For more context they also live in a very rural area.
Since Ive lived there I havent witnessed anything very scary but a few weeks ago I did get a call from my mom telling me that my stepdad has stopped taking his meds and he’s at his buddy’s house hallucinating. I went to my moms place and watched their animals while my mom tried to deal with him.
After this last situation and the many before this I told my mom I was not completely comfortable being there all the time. My stepdad is very sweet and nice when he is sober and medicated but he isn’t always actually staying sober and medicated. There are many guns in the house and I get worried sometimes that hes going slip into another manic episode and hallucinate and actually kill one of us. It wouldn’t be intentional but I still am scared of him. Tonight I made a comment talking to them on the phone and I am not there all the time because their town isn’t very safe for a minority like me and then I alluded to their being other reasons. I did not realize he had heard me and my stepdad got very angry. I sent him a text saying that it wasnt about him it was about the town, which was a lie. He told me to fuck off and that until I can have an adult conversation with him he’s “dead to me”. I then got into it with my mom and was told that im being cruel and that my stepdad chose to love me when he didn’t have to (they got married while I was in college). AITA for thinking its okay for me to be scared of him? Like I understand its not his fault and he does have a mental illness but im not the one that married him, I didn’t sign up for this.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told my mom I don’t feel safe in the house, even though my stepdad isn’t a threat when he’s sober and medicated. I also accidentally let him know this and lied to him about it.
2. I might look like an asshole for not seeing his perspective more and not being sensitive enough about his mental illness and how this affects him
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. It’s okay to be scared when things are unpredictable. Who wouldn’t be? Seek support.
Yeah you should be scared of someone who has had 3 dangerous/murdery episodes in the past year and still keeps guns around. NTA
Unlike being mentally ill, keeping guns around while occasionally having violent episodes is his choice and it makes him an AH.
Yta because you are 24 and still live with your parents. Move out already
NTA . If you can change your living situation, leave that house. Your Mom did you a favor by telling you SD is not taking his meds. Many people with mental health or addictions are very nice when they are clean and sober. When they are unpredictable and dangerous , it okay to keep your self safe.
NTA. You should be scared of him. It hurts to be criticized like that by your mother, but do remember that her judgment is hardly to be trusted, given her choice of mate.
NTA
You are not your stepfather’s keeper. Apparently your mother thinks she is, and that is up to her.
You didn’t call a morbidly obese stranger “Fatty!” in public. You shared how you feel about a situation that you reasonably believe could put you in danger.
You should never be in the presence of that man who KNOWS he is dangerous when not medicated and still goes off his meds and worse: somehow thinks it’s bad that someone else noticed this and said it out loud. He’s living in a nightmare, true. But there are billions of people in bad situations in this world.
It’s not required that you put yourself in harm’s way to make him feel better about the risks he has taken and may take again in the future. If the conversation comes up again, be clear: you can’t pretend this isn’t happening and you can’t tiptoe around to be sure his feelings aren’t hurt.
In fact, the sooner he accepts his situation and lets others in his small circle openly discuss his reality, the sooner he might actually be able to STAY on his freakin’ meds. This isn’t a wart on his chin. This isn’t “don’t look at his lazy eye, it’s insulting to notice it”.
And if you EVER hear a car skid to a halt in front of whatever house you’re in, check the windows and get ready to bolt. Until he accepts that he has this condition and faces it and allows others to make note of its existence, he can’t face it down. He may never be able to face it down, especially not on his own. And if nobody else is allowed to talk frankly about it, he’ll not have a support group for when he needs it.
My dad spent enough time in Attica (3 time loser) for me to understand a tiny bit of this. But when he was out and sober, by god he admitted his problems and his new wife and I and his counselors and his group meeting fellow attendees all talked VERY frankly about his condition. Not “to be mean”, but to be REAL.
If he can’t accept that those real conversations will happen with or without his permission, and then switch to GIVING permission, it’ll be pretty hard to face it down and stop it from happening. And that’s the danger you already know you have to avoid. It’s not being an asshole to avoid it or talk about it openly, whether he’s eavesdropping or not.
NTA. If you’re uncomfortable there though you should be saving everything you can to leave. Your mom is an ahole for continuing to put up with it. If he’s still doing stuff like this at his big grown age then she needs to leave him before something happens. He’s far old enough to know he should be taking his medication regularly. Life’s hard & I have sympathy for anyone going through addiction & mental health, but at some point you have to think about the chaos & hazards you’re putting the people you care about through.
I’d save every penny I could to leave & encourage your mom to do the same, although she probably won’t listen.
NTA. You don’t choose what you are afraid of, you just are and have to deal with it on that basis. And you have a very valid reason to be afraid. Your stepfather sounds very unpredictable and off his meds, it sounds like he could be dangerous. Especially with guns around the house. Do you live in a red flag state? If so, him refusing to take his meds and his past medical history may be a basis to have his guns taken away and placed out of his reach. I’d be worried for your mom but it sounds like she’s bought into his story.
Get your own space and clear out. This guy is a time bomb. I’m guessing you didn’t ask this man to love you and you definitely have no obligation to love him.
Wait, I’m sorry, he had a FLASHBACK of running a car off the road and dousing it with gasoline??
Oh HELL naw. Dead is dead, even if he didn’t mean it. NTA.
The bullet doesn’t care what the intention of the shooter is.
Get. Out.
If your mother chooses to be a martyr, that’s her problem. She’s not your child.
Absolutely NTA.
Bipolar, off meds, and guns in the home is not a good combination. In fact considering his past it would be criminally negligent to have guns around a mentally unstable person
NTA. You have valid reasons for your concerns and I would advocate for all guns to be removed from your mom’s house given his mental state.
He heard you say you were afraid of him and reacted with anger. 🚩🚩🚩
NTA.
NTA. He has had repeated oopsie moments, where he became violently dangerous. Going off his meds and drinking too excess are both things under his control. He has made the choice for whatever reason to stop taking his meds, to drink excessively, and frankly IS dangerous when that happens. Since you don’t know when he is going to decide to do either of those things again, that means he is always a potential danger, so it makes sense to feel unsafe there.
Have an honest adult conversation with him if that’s what he wants. That would include confronting him on his track record of dangerous irresponsible behavior.
NTA with a gun owning nonmedicated bipolar alcoholic in the house
NTA to protect yourself. It’s a matter to be scared of. An old landlord of mine had an ex husband who had similar issues- bipolar, depression, alcoholism. He did end up killing a random stranger a block away from home and is spending the rest of his life locked up. She was home with a teenage son at that time- it’s just luck that they were upstairs and he ran out of the house with a knife.
No, absolutely NTA. You should tell her you’re afraid, and why – and ask for her help to get out if you need it.
About feelings. We don’t choose them, they just happen. They are never right or wrong; they just are whatever they are.
This applies to love, too, BTW. Your stepfather either loves you or he doesn’t.
There is no such thing as “choosing” to love someone.
One can choose to take a child under one’s wing or not. Do or not do any number of other possible things that parents often do with kids. But no one can just will ourselves to feel any particular way.
There are things you might choose to do that might affect your feelings (of those of others) in some way, but it’s the action you are choosing. The feelings, whatever they might be, are the result – and/or the driver.
Too many of us ignore our gut feelings that something is wrong, regardless of the situation, all too often to our detriment. It’s actually critically important for our own safety and survival to be very in touch with those feelings and gut reactions – and to act on them when they are indicating you’re in danger. Our guts recognize issues our minds very often do not.
What might be right or wrong is how we react to those feelings. Whether or not we choose to act on them, and if so, how.
The right reaction is the one that keeps you safe.
There’s a great book by Gavin deBecker called “The Gift of Fear” that everyone really ought to to read about what I’m saying here.
Of course it’s ok to be scared of him. He’s a scary dude. “Not taking his medicine” is his choice.
Considering the consequences of his decision to not take it in the past he’s not a safe person. He tried to kill your mother when off his meds and drinking. In my opinion he needs to be in an inpatient facility.
Someone is going to get hurt.