The wedding dress my mother-in-law (49f) wore for her wedding is a US dress size 4. I’m (27f) a US dress size 16. MIL and FIL (49m) had always wanted whoever their son (25m) married to wear MIL’s dress. When it came time to give a definite answer, I told MIL I can’t wear the dress because of our size differences. She told me I can wear it, I just have to either lose weight or alter the dress. I told her no. She called me selfish. FIL is on her size, my fiance is on my size. Am I the asshole ?
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The wedding dress my mother-in-law (49f) wore for her wedding is a US dress size 4. I’m (27f) a US dress size 16. MIL and FIL (49m) had always wanted whoever their son (25m) married to wear MIL’s dress. When it came time to give a definite answer, I told MIL I can’t wear the dress because of our size differences. She told me I can wear it, I just have to either lose weight or alter the dress. I told her no. She called me selfish. FIL is on her size, my fiance is on my size. Am I the asshole ?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took that should be judged telling my mother-in-law I can’t wear the wedding dress she wore because of our dress size differences.
The action might make me the asshole because my mother-in-law called me selfish.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I mean, obviously NTA. That’s just not possible.
Would it be possible for you to take some trim or lace or something from it and incorporate it into the dress you wear? Or use the veil? I feel like there are plenty of sentimental things you can do (if you want to) without wearing the dress.
Assuming that your MIL has, shall we say, become a bigger person over the decades, I suggest that you invite her to wear her wedding dress to your wedding. Tell her that if it no longer fits, she can lose weight or alter the dress.
Meantime, you go out and find the dress that brings joy to your heart.
NTA, although your MIL is auditioning for that role.
NTA. Altering a size 4 up to a 16 isn’t tailoring, it’s basically remaking the dress. You’d destroy the original and still risk a weird fit
NTA. It’s your and your fiancé’s big day. Not theirs. Use what looks best on you.
if she agrees you could modify the dress or take peace of it to put them on your dress, your hair or your husband’s suit
It’s your wedding and not a sequel of theirs, you should be able to to choose your own dress.
Asking someone to lose weight for a dress is way out of line. Your MIL’s expectations are unrealistic and fucking controlling. Even if you altered it, sometimes heavily changing a vintage dress ruins what they’re trying to preserve. Then nobody’s happy. NTA
NTA. It simply won’t be possible, even if you want it to be. If you’d like to incorporate a piece of the dress into your own, then so be it. Your fiance had better be supporting you vocally, and loudly.
If your MIL doesn’t drop this I’d be talking to your fiance about what kind of relationship he expects to have with them moving forward.
NTA. Altering the dress so it would fit you would change the look of the dress (unless you want seams at all the wrong places) and MIL also wouln’t like that I guess. But you should wear whatever you want to wear.
NTA. The difference between size 4 and size 16 is too big to alter a dress nicely and losing weight is your decision and not easy either. You could compromise by incorporating some details from MIL’s dress if possible (some lace or whatever is feasible and will look good) or wear her veil if she wants to preserve the dress itself. There are options here.
I will never understand why mothers, or in this case MILs, get butt hurt over their daughter or DIL not wanting to wear their dress. The MIL got to choose her own dress, why wouldn’t she think her DIL would also look forward to having that experience?! If I were you, I would offer to have some of the material from MIL’s dress used to wrap the stems of your bouquet or some other sentimental use, but she needs to learn right away that you and your fiancé will NOT be emotionally blackmailed.
“I appreciate the sentiment behind the offer, but will be choosing my own dress.” PERIOD. Then let your future husband deal with this nonsense.
I’m sorry but it’s weird they want their son’s bride to wear his mother’s dress.
NTA. But they need to get a grip.
Wearing your MIL dress is so weird – it’s wild to me they’re banking on the fiancée of their son wanting to do that period. You aren’t going to go from a size 16 to a 4 safely for a wedding and it’s unreal, size-ist opinion to expect that to be an option.
It’s YOUR WEDDING. How does that make YOU selfish? She is selfish for expecting anything of hers to be celebrated like that at YOUR wedding.
You are certainly NTA but my next question is: do you really want to marry into this family? If that is the kind of expectation they have of you for clothes I can’t imagine what they expect of you as their son’s wife. Their ideas of normalcy seem way off to me.
Your MIL is absolutely unreasonable to think a size 4 dress can be made over to a size 16.
Incorporating the old dress into the new is of course up to you, I remain just jaw-unhinged flabbergasted that your MIL had the audacity to suggest that you even try to lose enough weight to go from a size 16 to 4!!!! That is just… incredibly incredibly RUDE!!!
Does your fiancee’s family normally treat you like this? And what the heck is HE saying about all of this????
NTA NTA NTA.
In case that this is real: Even if it were a perfect fit, this is such a weird request. Why should you have to wear someone else’s wedding dress? Everyone wants their dream wedding dress, not your MIL’s old dress. It’s not even your mom’s dress, it’s your MIL’s. Is your future husband siding with you, or does he lack a spine? That would tell you a lot about your life if you go along with the wedding.
NTA, and you wouldn’t be even without the size difference. It’s your wedding, not hers.
NTA. Not their wedding, not their dress! A nice middle ground would be to find a dress similar in your size IF you want to wear something similar. Your MIL is disrespectful for even suggesting you lose that much weight to fit into an old dress.
She can want all she wants, you are under no obligation to acquiesce. I’ve always dreamed of having a million dollars, doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.
NTA
There won’t be enough fabric in a size 4 dress to remake it to fit you…u less it has a huge skirt and you plan to wear a sheath mini. Offer to wear part of her veil or sew a patch of her dress into the bodice of yours. That’s what non-crazy people do.
Your MIL decided that you would wear a dress without even knowing you. You’re allowed to have your own dreams and ideas of what you want to wear. If she’ll allow you to use pieces of it, you can use it in a bouquet, as a pocket square/tie for your husband, a hair piece, a purse, etc. But in general, you don’t have to wear anything you don’t want to for any reason at all. NTA.
NTA. Even if the dress fit, you are not responsible for fulfilling anyone else’s dreams.
It is incredibly brazen of her to just assume her son’s fiancee would want to wear her dress. Obviously she chose her own wedding dress so why would she think OP wouldn’t want to choose her own dress? Size has nothing to do with it. What if OP’s mom had a beautiful wedding dress that she wanted to wear. Future MIL needs to shut up and be supportive. It’s not her wedding and it’s not her decision.
Uhhhhhhh. This is an absolutely ABSURD expectation they have if you. Even if you were the same size, totally unreasonable expectation. They can make the request and you can say no for any reason. Discussion over. NTA.
Say no and stick to it.
If your inlaws think that you owe it to them to lose that much weight and to have them dictate what you wear to your wedding, they are going to think you owe it to go along with all sorts of other things throughout your life … Holidays, how you parent any future kids, etc. Nip this in the bud right now and say thank you for the offer but you will be choosing your own wedding dress.
It would be fine to want to chose your own wedding dress even if you fit hers!
No. It’s your wedding not theirs. You should wear your dream dress.
Size 4 by what manufacturer? Torrid size 4s are quite a bit bigger than a size 16 and could be altered down.
Eta: But if you otherwise don’t like it want to wear the dress, it’s your decision.
NTA. There is no healthy way to shrink from a Size 16 to Size 4 in time for the wedding – even attempting it is likely to have a very bad effect on your health, and it’s appalling that MIL even suggested it.
It likely depends on the dress. My cousin had be Mom’s dress altered for the same situation. Similar height but her Mom was tiny and she, while not fat, had a much larger caboose. They basically had to insert large panels down each side. Frankly she looked fine, but as the dress wasn’t stored properly it started to come apart during the reception, but luckily a few safety pins saved the day.
NTA. It’s your wedding not her chance to relive hers. If she can’t understand that the size difference makes her dream impossible, she is entertaining a delusion. If you’re interested in working with her, does she have a veil that might work, or is there lace on the dress that could be repurposed for that? Either way, absolutely NTA.
NTA. The size issue aside, MIL is TA for making somebody else’s wedding dress about her. She’s a selfish jerk for making a demand like that.
Forget about the size difference, it’s a very creepy wish and expectation from your in-laws! No way! NTA and hope your fiancé has a talk with his mom
IF you want to make peace, the a part of her dress can be incorporated into a dress of your choosing. Some lace or decoration. But their dream of seeing their son marry Mom is creepy. So. NTA.
It’s your wedding. It is absurd for your FMIL to expect you to wear a dress that she chose, rather than a dress that you chose, even if we leave out the (equally absurd) expectation that you wear a dress that doesn’t fit or change your body to suit her selfish fantasy about someone else’s wedding.
NTA it’s not realistic for you to wear the dress . Even if the dress was your size it’s still your choice which dress to wear.
“Thanks so much for the offer. I really appreciate your thoughtfulness, but I’ve decided that I can’t accept it. I’ll send you pictures of the dress we end up with. I so happy to be part of your family and love how much you want to be involved in our wedding. Have a blessed day”
After that a simple smile and a no thanks. Is enough. No comment or discussion of why. Just no thanks .
NTA
It’s a lovely idea but it just won’t work.
Ask MIL to tell you about how excited she was when she went wedding dress shopping and how she felt when she found her perfect dress.
Then tell her that’s the experience you want to have – to go shopping and try on different dresses until you find your perfect fit. Ask her to be part of your excitement and to come with you and whoever you’re taking with you.
Ask her to understand that if she insists that you wear her dress, she’s taking away your bridal experience.
Good luck!
Tell your fiancé that he needs to step up and deal with his mother directly himself. NTA.
Oh, MIL got to pick a dress but you don’t? And because it is what she wants?,??
Is it your mother in law’s second wedding? Or is it yours?
NTA
Putting the size difference aside – it’s your wedding and you get to choose you our own dress, period.
I can understand a bride choosing to wear her mother’s (if she do chooses). But your mother in laws dress? Why?
It’s sweet of her to offer but you are well within your rights to say no
I’m glad your fiance is backing you on this.
You’re not the AH. It’s your wedding and your dress choice no one should pressure you to change your body to fit into theirs
As someone who alters wedding dresses for a living, it’s simply not possible to turn a size 4 into a size 16. That’s five sizes. One to two sizes, yes. Three sizes, maybe, in extreme circumstances. But five? No. Not only is sizing different, but proportions and bone structures are as well. The dress would be a patchwork quilt.
And let’s say, for argument’s sake, that you did lose a ton of weight. That still doesn’t mean it will ever fit you. Your rib cage ultimately determines the smallest size you can wear. The smallest I can go is 8, maybe 6 (and I have pretty small boobs). I’ve had brides who measure at a size 0 but their rib cages are so wide they have to wear size 4.
I don’t fault your MIL for thinking it’s possible. A lot of people I work with believe that too, so it’s unfortunately not as common sense as we like to think it is. But if you’re somebody like me who works with different bodies and trying to make things fit them, it’s not as easy as altering it and/or losing weight. Maybe incorporate a piece of her dress into yours if you like any part of it.
How in the world did your fiance’s parents “decide” that whomever he married would wear HER dress in the first place? I’m still trying to get past THAT part!!
If your fiance knew this growing up, he should have nipped it in the bud long ago! …and is he only on your side only in private, or has he actually said this in FRONT of his parents with YOU present? You might want to make sure of all of that BEFORE you take that walk down the aisle!!
NTA!!!
NTA Are you planning to have children? Bet she has plans for that too…
NTA – this is your (and your fiancé’s) wedding – not hers.
If you WANT to wear the dress, that would one thing – it’s something else entirely if she’s demanding you wear it.
Your wedding – you choose your dress!
NTA. It would be one thing to offer you the dress if it were your size. That’s fine. You could decline or accept depending on whether it fit your tastes. But this insistence on you making yourself fit into a dress that’s miles too small and refusal to take “no” for an answer is bonkers. Good luck marrying into this family.
Look, you wouldn’t be the asshole even if you were also a size 4 and simply didn’t WANT to wear her dress. So this sort of obnoxious controlling behavior from your MIL seals the deal that you’re NTA.
Your future MIL and FIL are weird a f**k
This is an insane request. You don’t have to wear the dress. It’s weird that she’s insisting you wear it. Have your partner deal with his mother. This is not an issue you need to involve yourself in.
NTA. That MIL would seriously make me take a beat and consider if I want to join a family like that. That’s completely unhinged. I’m glad your fiancé has your back.
She sounds like the type that will probably try and wear her wedding dress to your wedding. Good luck with those in laws.
As someone who learned to sew as a child, you can not alter a size 4 dress to accommodate a size 16. It will not even remotely be the same dress and it will look like a Frankenstein. Tell future MIL that you love that she had this wonderful idea, but you would not dream of butchering her beautiful wedding dress. Perhaps your daughter could wear it one day. Then, go find your dream dress.
Give her a big hug and say: Mom (or wwhatever you call her): “The only alteration I can make is to turn it into a hat.” <<Cute giggle>> <<Kiss on the cheek>>
It’s your wedding and your fiancé is on your side. Get a dress you love!
This isn’t MIL’s choice. It’s not her wedding day.
Maybe have a piece of her dress sewn into yours?
NTA it’s not their decision as to what their son’s bride wears. Now if it was their daughter that’s another story but what if OP wanted to wear her mother’s dress?
They can complain all they want but their expectations do not convey to you. They can dictate to their children but not the future DIL. If you give in they will expect OP to give in each and every time.
Are you going to let them choose your home, your children’s names, your car, what you cook for family dinners? No nip this crap right now.
Even if it was your size you are under no obligation to wear it.