My MIL has a habit of coming over unannounced, sometimes early in the morning or late at night, “because she was in the neighborhood.” We have a keypad on our front door and anytime we give her the code so she can check on the house while we’re gone, she keeps it and uses it whenever she wants. It’s worth noting we return the favor when they’re out of town but we leave her spare key where she keeps it hidden and don’t pop in when she’s home without calling ahead first. Also, it’s a PITA to delete and recreate new passcodes on our particular pad.
We’ve already changed the code twice because of this, but I don’t want to have to keep changing it every time we give her access to the house. Last week, she let herself in while I was working from home, made small talk, and then began reorganizing our kitchen while insisting our daughter needed more “snacks” (We don’t keep too many sweets in the house).
I told her that moving forward, I’d appreciate a heads up before coming over and that the code is for when we’re away not an open invitation. She got offended, said I’m “pushing her out of her child’s life,” and now my spouse is stuck in the middle.
AITA for not wanting to give her free rein to walk into my house whenever she feels like it?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
My MIL has a habit of coming over unannounced, sometimes early in the morning or late at night, “because she was in the neighborhood.” We have a keypad on our front door and anytime we give her the code so she can check on the house while we’re gone, she keeps it and uses it whenever she wants. It’s worth noting we return the favor when they’re out of town but we leave her spare key where she keeps it hidden and don’t pop in when she’s home without calling ahead first. Also, it’s a PITA to delete and recreate new passcodes on our particular pad.
We’ve already changed the code twice because of this, but I don’t want to have to keep changing it every time we give her access to the house. Last week, she let herself in while I was working from home, made small talk, and then began reorganizing our kitchen while insisting our daughter needed more “snacks” (We don’t keep too many sweets in the house).
I told her that moving forward, I’d appreciate a heads up before coming over and that the code is for when we’re away not an open invitation. She got offended, said I’m “pushing her out of her child’s life,” and now my spouse is stuck in the middle.
AITA for not wanting to give her free rein to walk into my house whenever she feels like it?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because while I don’t think I was in the wrong I think I might’ve let it go on for too long. I also knew saying anything would’ve put my wife in a difficult position between myself and my MIL.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, you were very reasonable in handling this. The next step forward is just not telling her the new code.
She’s not going to respect your boundaries, so make your boundaries stronger: change the code. NTA.
However, you have a spouse problem. They should not be stuck in the middle. They should be the one setting the limit with their own mother, rather than setting you up to be the bad guy.
NTA. Your spouse is only in the middle because they’re not standing with you.
NTA. As someone else said, your spouse should not be stuck in the middle. He should not be supporting his mother intruding on your home, your work, your childrearing, or your kitchen. If he’s fine with her letting herself in whenever she wants, that’s your real probem.
It sounds like the only solution for now may be to have someone else check on your house. If giving MIL the code means she keeps using it, you just have to stop giving her the code.
NTA. She’s overstepped your boundaries. But do you really need her to check on your house? Can you ask a neighbor or install cameras?
NTA. She isn’t going to stop, though, especially if your spouse doesn’t stand with you. You aren’t asking for anything unreasonable. A heads up before stopping in is more than fair. If she absolutely can’t control herself, you may need to change the code and find a different house sitter.
Change the code after every trip out of town. Problem solved.
NTA – by your spouse ‘being stuck in the middle’ they’re not in your side.
There’s no ‘stuck in the middle’ you’re choosing one side or the other.
They’re supposed to be choosing you.
NTA – Stop giving her access to the house and ask another trusted friend to check on the house while you’re gone. She’s made it clear she doesn’t respect your boundaries.
You have a husband problem as well.
NTA. It isnt her house and she needs to know the boundaries.
NTA. Also, don’t ask her to watch your house again, get someone else (if needed at all) to do it. Then make sure she knows she wasn’t asked.
Nta
NTA. She is very rude. I have a key to my daughter and her boyfriend’s place and I would NEVER just walk in. Even if I thought it was appropriate, I’d be scared to death I’d walk in on them doing the deed. 🤣🤣
Hey, maybe that’s a way to get her to stop. More kitchen sex. 🤣
But seriously, you deserve privacy in your own home. She absolutely should NOT be doing that
NTA but change the code. Don’t have her check on your house any longer. If your husband can’t understand that, you have a husband problem.
NTA. As much of a pain as it is to change the code, start changing it to something the MIL can’t guess, then switch it back to the code she has when/if you need her to check on the house (as others have said, start looking for someone more trustworthy to do it). To be safe, don’t tell the spouse what the random code is so it doesn’t get shared with the MIL.
If she’s still not getting the hint, don’t return her spare key and drop in on her, preferably when she has company over and see what she does.
By that point the spouse should have already laid down the law with their mother on not dropping in unannounced. After all, it’s trespassing. If you’re WFH when she does it, who’s to stop you from calling the cops due to an intruder.
If that still doesn’t do it, if the MIL’s random drop-ins happen to be when the child is not home, have porn (or some other video) on the TV going that will cause the MIL to be embarrassed that she dropped in unannounced.
NTA. Your spouse shouldn’t be “In the middle”. It’s their mother, they should be the one setting the boundary. Are they OK with their mom just showing up any time day or night? And rearranging your kitchen? If so, you have more than a M-I-L problem.
Do they have locks that let you assign different codes to ppl, that lets you see who uses their code, and allows to temporarily lock out a code?
That’d be perfect.
Change the code and come up with an alternative solution. It’s the only way until your partner realises they shouldn’t in the middle they should be by your side
NTA – look into MyQ devices for home access. It’s great to allow people via an app and turn on/off access that way.
Examine the option of a new keypad system that is easy to change the code on. Some have time restrictions on the codes. Set her up a holiday code that expires when you return.
You’re not the AH for wanting boundaries but you should have had your partner tell her. It’s his mother. That’s where you went wrong, you came between a loving mother and child, and a doting grandmother and kid, instead of letting your husband be the bad guy. You said the words so YTA.
But the fact she’s so surprised means that each time you previously changed the code to the front door you never actually told her why, which makes you a passive aggressive AH and that’s the worst
NTA.
He shouldn’t be in the middle. Between you and her, maybe. But “the middle” implies that both positions are reasonable and that’s just not the case here.
“Don’t walk in uninvited and start reorganizing my house” is not pushing her out of your child’s life. She is being melodramatic. Don’t defend yourself against claims like this, just point out how ridiculous her words are.
Your reaction isn’t the problem, her actions are the problem.
Your spouse is not stuck in the middle. He is putting himself there by not supporting you first and foremost.
My keypad has a way to program a guest combo that you can deactivate. Does yours have a feature like that? It may be easier than changing the combo. NTA
How is getting a heads up the same as pushing her out of your child’s life? Stick to your guns, it’s not negotiable. The MIL is the AH, for over stepping and exaggerating.
Your spouse shouldn’t be “stuck in the middle,” they should be firmly on your side, protecting your peace and privacy. If they won’t back you up on something perfectly reasonable like this, that’s an even bigger problem than your MIL’s drop ins. NTA
Wow thats a new one for me. My partner and I gave a key to mil she once walked in while we had some friends over for dinner . It was quiet candlelight dinner and she thought we where in bed she wanted to see her grandbabies.That key was gone in a heartbeat and yes was tough for a bit but ended.
NTA
No way in hell would I ever give another relative a key or code to my house. Also, EVERYONE KNOCKS at our house, no one just walks in. That is unacceptable.
Change that code again! Can you have more than 1 code at a time? If you could, you could activate and deactivate a different code for her.