Hi eveyone, I am 15 years old and my younger sister is 10. She is close to being considered morbidly obese and is now showing signs of being pre-diabetic. My mother used to cook amazing healthy meals which lead to me being an average weight growing up. However when my sister was born my mum slowly became lazier over time. She stopped cooking meals and resorted to processed junk such as ready meals. In the last few years it has become rare for my mum to cook me and my sister a meal, it will often be left to me or my stepdad (bearing in mind he has no idea how to cook anything healthy) meaning that my sister has gained a serious amount of weight. She was always a bigger girl but now she is in size 16-18 in women’s sizes. My mum also buys crap from the shops, crisps, cookies etc etc. I finally said to my mum today after we booked her an appointment at the doctors to see if she actually is pre- diabetic, that it is her fault that my sister has got the way she is and that her slacking and becoming bff lazy is putting my sisters health in extreme danger. she went crazy. She pulled out all the cards “ohhh I’m such a bad mum” etc. I just want to know if I’m the asshole for confronting her 🤦🏽♀️
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Hi eveyone, I am 15 years old and my younger sister is 10. She is close to being considered morbidly obese and is now showing signs of being pre-diabetic. My mother used to cook amazing healthy meals which lead to me being an average weight growing up. However when my sister was born my mum slowly became lazier over time. She stopped cooking meals and resorted to processed junk such as ready meals. In the last few years it has become rare for my mum to cook me and my sister a meal, it will often be left to me or my stepdad (bearing in mind he has no idea how to cook anything healthy) meaning that my sister has gained a serious amount of weight. She was always a bigger girl but now she is in size 16-18 in women’s sizes. My mum also buys crap from the shops, crisps, cookies etc etc. I finally said to my mum today after we booked her an appointment at the doctors to see if she actually is pre- diabetic, that it is her fault that my sister has got the way she is and that her slacking and becoming bff lazy is putting my sisters health in extreme danger. she went crazy. She pulled out all the cards “ohhh I’m such a bad mum” etc. I just want to know if I’m the asshole for confronting her 🤦🏽♀️
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> I may be considered the asshole for judging my mothers parenting and confronting her on her choices, and getting angry at her when she played the “innocent” card
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA. Why are you blaming your mum only. 2 parents exist
It is a parent’s responsibility to see to the health of their child. If mom doesn’t want to cook, she find another way to provide healthy meals and snacks. NTA
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You were speaking the truth and worried about your sister. NTA for that at all. The thing is your mom already knows this, so it didn’t need to be said.
Why are you not blaming your step dad for making unhealthy meals? He’s a grown ass man and is perfectly capable of learning.
As such, the “he has no idea how to cook healthy” isn’t a valid reason. It’s a lazy excuse.
ESH
Also, you don’t know that she’s pre diabetic. You’re making an assumption. At 10, even if she’s overweight, it’s highly unlikely that she’s pre diabetic.
NTA. Overfeeding and poor nutrition is just as bad as starving your kid. Parents responsibility to provide nutritious meals. Yes, parent may be overworked, tired or struggling etc but at the end of the day, regardless of reason, a nutritious meal should be provided. Financial excuses are no excuse either, you can cook a healthy meal on next to nothing, it just takes extra time/effort.
You’re casting a lot of blame and leaving out a lot of detail here. Why is your mom the only one in the household responsible for cooking? Why does your stepdad get a free pass? Why is the healthy diet of everyone entirely your mom’s problem to fix?
You’re not wrong to be worried about your sister. But blaming and criticizing isn’t helping her. You’d go a lot further by expressing your concerns without making it all your mom’s fault, and then sitting down and working out a meal plan and shopping list together.
NTA, but you’re also not the right person to have this conversation with your mom. She’s not going to listen to you and become defensive, as you’ve seen. The people who need to have these hard conversations with your mom are other adults in your life who she might listen to. This is a situation of your mom’s making, but people don’t react well when they’re told that — especially when a child tells an adult and double-especially when a kid tells their parent. No, it shouldn’t be that way, but people are complicated.
Who can you talk to and have them talk to your mom? Your sister needs some serious interventions here to get her health on track. Any aunts or uncles or grandparents or cousins involved here? School counselors? The doctor? Where’s your stepdad in all of this? Can you have a heart-to-heart with him, and the two of you make plans to get your sister active and eating properly?
You can act as an influence on your sister. Try to get her moving … get her out walking, show her flowers or tress or wildlife … can you go to a zoo and walk around? What about museums? Model good eating habits, too. If your stepdad is wiling to learn how to cook healthy meals, there’s a subreddit for eating healthy that might be able to help or you can check YouTube. See if you get the doctor to recommend a nutritionist to help develop healthy meal plans. You can also learn. Cooking is actually pretty easy … just follow the recipes. Google diabetic meal plans and learn to read nutritional labels — look at the amounts of sugars and sodium. Fiber is good, but it can pack on calories so there needs to be a balance there. Sugar hides under many different names. Fresh fruits, vegetables, and lean meats are the keys. Good luck.
NTA. It is fully 100% on your parents. Maybe this is me projecting a little, but parents who don’t take in account how they’re feeding their kids will give them a messed up vision of food, really are just as neglectful as abusive parents. My parents growing up would load my plate with food even as a young child. We actually were not “allowed” to make our own plates until we were probably 12/13 at the earliest? But because mom & dad made us these grown up sized plates we were eating easily 3x what we should’ve at that age/size and we HAD to eat every single bit on the plate or we would be punished. If we left food on our plate we would be screamed at and belittled and made to sit and stare at it until we could eat it. I was an obese child because I’d rather stuff myself than to be screamed at. I’m an obese adult and cannot look at a full plate someone else made for me without wanting to cry because I know I won’t be able to comfortably finish it. My fiance is working so hard with me on unlearning this and when he can see a plate I’ve made is too full and he can see me eating when I’m really not hungry anymore he’ll take the plate from me and finish it himself so I don’t have the guilt that follows. It’s been such a learning process to undo what my parents did to me mentally over food.
NTA. You’re 15 and it sounds like you care about your sister’s health more than your mom does right now. It’s not about shaming your mom, it’s about pointing out that your 10yo sister is already showing pre-diabetic symptoms and needs better care. You’re speaking up because you love her, and that’s not wrong.
NTA, a 10 year old doesn’t gain that kind of weight in a vacuum. Something is going on and your sister needs help, she needed help awhile ago.
And it’s really shitty that the only person who actually is looking out for your sister is the other child in the home.
NTA and don’t listen to the people telling you it wasn’t your place. It is your place.
Partially TA? Is that a thing?
Yep, your mum is doing a bad job (at least as far as food goes) and your stepfather is doing worse (can’t cook, really?).
Your mum was a great cook in the past, I’d be asking her why she isn’t doing that now. That’s the thing she needs to fix or get help with. Is it her mental health? Help her to get help.
Just telling your mum isn’t helpful.
Having said all of that, you are a brilliant young person to recognize there’s a problem. Just get some professional/adult advice.
NTA, but maybe not handled in the most constructive way. If you were an adult, I would’ve likely voted differently because I would expect a better degree of diplomacy.
You are understandably concerned about your sister’s health and you’re right that it is her parents’ responsibility to make sure she is getting healthy meals and developing a healthy relationship with food. The way you confronted your mom was harsh, sure, but more importantly, it’s also been my experience that smacking people upside the head with blame is likely to get them to dig in their heels out of defensiveness. You can already see she’s focusing on her feeling like you called her a bad mum rather than ways to address your sister’s health. You may have had better luck talking about constructive solutions, or offering to participate in the whole family making and eating healthy meals. Yes, it is primarily the parents’ responsibility, but presenting yourself as an ally is encouraging a better future rather than having your mum feel she’s being called out for her previous mistakes. You are right, but approaching it the way you did is less likely to get the result you want.
NTA. But you need to have a serious conversation with your stepfather and then he needs to have a serious conversation with her. It sounds like she has depression and could probably benefit from medical help.
Info: What do you mean “after we booked her an appt”. Do you mean you are involved in medical care for your sister? To be honest you shouldn’t really be involved in this at all, I have a 14 yr old and 9yr old and my 14yr old is never asked to do anything for his sister besides watching her and making sure the house doesn’t burn down on days off of school.
Also, my kids eat mostly junk (it’s a long story, medical reasons) and they are not even close to obese. There’s gotta be something else going on here
Your mom is going thru something. If she’s gone from a normal parent to neglectful AND your sister is overeating to this degree, I think the answer is an intervention of some sort and I’d start with a school counselor. Both your mom and your sister may be struggling with depression or something else
INFO: why is it only your mother’s fault? This sounds like a two-parent household and a two-parent problem. Both of your parents need to shape up, immediately. Has your sister been to the doctor or the school nurse?
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NTA for voicing concern but this situation might be more complex than you’re aware of and chalking it up to your mom being lazy is unkind and quite possibly unfair to her. What other factors have changed in your household since you were your sister’s age? Has your mom been depressed? Have there been job or income or relationship changes? It’s not on you to solve, and it is on your mom to provide a health atmosphere, but there is something odd about a sudden change in behavior from your mom in these ways. And why must it only be your mom’s fault and not also your stepdad’s? Your intent to blame and disparage your mom probably caused the conversation to go very poorly.
If you can, assure your mom that you DON’T think she’s a bad mom, but that you are worried your sister won’t fully recover from being an obese child and that she’ll face lifelong challenges as a result. Ask what YOU can do to help as well. Even if nothing relating to food, shopping, or preparation, maybe you can take it on yourself to do some physical activity with your sister. Again, not you problem to solve but being mean and dismissive about the real causes of this is not doing you any favors.
INFO: so why isnt your step father getting flack for not stepping up to properly feed his kid
NTA: And the answer to her “I’m such a bad mum” whine is: “Damn right you are!”
YTA. Not because of your concern for your sister, but because you seem to think you are the only person smart enough to realize this. I promise you, your mom knows. She is already dealing with tremendous guilt about it, which is probably exacerbating her existing mental health struggles. The fact that she used to make healthy meals shows she’s not clueless (and yes, there are parents who are, and that’s a different conversation.) She’s struggling. Rubbing it in that’s she’s struggling isn’t helpful.
Also, at 15 you are perfectly capable of helping with meals at least a bit. My 9 year old helps with dinner almost every night, it really does take some of the load off my shoulders. That’s aside from the issue of your stepdad, who is also at fault but depending on your relationship with him that might not be as easy to address.
What you should do now is apologize to your mother. Explain that you are worried about your sister but you recognize blaming her like that was wrong and cruel. Tell her you see that she’s struggling to get healthy food on the table, and OFFER TO HELP. Otherwise you are just making the issue worse.
Nah you’re not the asshole, you’re literally just pointing out reality. Parents control what food comes in the house and if she’s stocking it with junk, that’s on her
ESH
Honestly your mom may have depression or some other issues of that kind, but then she needs help instead of getting her child to that state. She is the AH for not taking on responsibility and ask for help.
You are the AH for blaming her like this, ignoring the fact that there are 2 adults in this households – and seemingly not even considering there could be something wrong.
The other adult is an AH for not getting his act together and step up to cook something healthy. It’s not that difficult to learn how to do that.
You’re absolutely in the wrong. You are 15. A child. Learn some respect.
Why are people obsessed about who this 15 year old kid is blaming?
His little sister is being abused and neglected!!!
NTA, and trying to get things to change is a good and honorable decision. Ring the alarm, and then its up to the grown-ups unfortunately.
If nothing changes, you could offer to help out with a meal plan or even cooking. Learning how to cook will benefit you tremendously. It’s unfair that you might have to do that now, but it’s an option.
Good luck. And don’t let the people here get you down. Screaming that you need to hold you stepdad accountable doesn’t help you.
Again, NTA and good luck. You seem like a good kid 🙂
Everyone’s pointing out the mother’s behaviour here, but I’d like to offer OP some support.
You’re a child yourself, but is there a way you can make some time to get in the kitchen with your sister and make meals together? This is a prime opportunity to learn together about food being nutritious, healthy and cooking meals together with limited ingredients. You can make food and health fun and educational without being a punishment towards your mum or making your sister feel bad.
I would see this as the chance to bond with your sister, and find something you can do together!
There’s so many places to get recipes and ideas from these days, see if you can turn this in to a positive for you both despite what your mother is or isn’t doing ❤️
NTA, but the blame goes all around here. Tell your mom to get with a nutritionist/dietician and work out healthy meals that are also low effort to prepare. Have everyone in the house learn how to prepare them. Have a strict adhesion to a weekly dinner menu. Hopefully the doctor orders tests for your sisters thyroid gland as well as insulin resistance, as there’s many reasons a person may gain a substantial amount of weight