My son (8) and I (40f) flew home for the school holidays. I would have been content not to see my brother and his family, but I agreed to spend the weekend with them as my son and mum enjoy spending time with them. My nephew (6) had been unwell overnight. I questioned how sick he was and whether we should be going. I didn’t want us get sick for our own sake, but also because he wouldn’t be able to see his ore family. Mum was annoyed but spoke to my brother, who said nephew was fine, they were just tired after a rough night, we should still come. Mum and I were going to look after all the kids on Saturday night while my brother and his wife went to a party…probably why he was so keen for us to come; they hadn’t factored us into their weekend otherwise. My hesitation was met with an icy demeanour from mum so I agreed to go, lest the rest of our trip be ruined by her mood. When we arrived it was clear my nephew was still quite unwell. He was on the lounge with a sick bucket. My brother even remarked, “yeah, he’s really unwell”. Turns out he’d been vomiting overnight with a fever. My mother made it clear through her demeanour and tone that I was meant to pretend all was fine. I was too furious and uncomfortable to do that. Similar scenarios have happened before, resulting in my son, husband, and I becoming quite unwell. My brother then left with the kids to pick his daughter (9) up from her first birthday party of the day. I told my mum it was really disrespectful that they’d done this again, and that I was absolutely furious. I could have been more calm and more diplomatic, but the gaslighting and denial of my right to be and express upset was too much. I asked for their street address so I could book a taxi home for me and my son. She insisted that she would leave too, although she eventually agreed that I could drive her car back if my brother could drive her home on the Sunday. He couldn’t do that as he and his wife had too many plans, notwithstanding our visit. So we all left and the rest of our stay with her (2 days) was either silent treatment or ice cold responses. I tried to talk to her about how hurtful it was to be treated like that, which only made it worse. I told her we won’t be coming back for a while and, although I didn’t say this, I’ve decided we’ll stay in a hotel when we do return.
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My son (8m) and I (40f) flew home for the school holidays. I would have been content not to see my brother and his family, but I agreed to spend the weekend with them as my son and mum enjoy spending time with them. My nephew (6m) had been unwell overnight. I questioned how sick he was and whether we should be going. I didn’t want us get sick for our own sake, but also because he wouldn’t be able to see his ore family. Mum was annoyed but spoke to my brother, who said nephew was fine, they were just tired after a rough night, we should still come. Mum and I were going to look after all the kids on Saturday night while my brother and his wife went to a party…probably why he was so keen for us to come; they hadn’t factored us into their weekend otherwise. My hesitation was met with an icy demeanour from mum so I agreed to go, lest the rest of our trip be ruined by her mood. When we arrived it was clear my nephew was still quite unwell. He was on the lounge with a sick bucket. My brother even remarked, “yeah, he’s really unwell”. Turns out he’d been vomiting overnight with a fever. My mother made it clear through her demeanour and tone that I was meant to pretend all was fine. I was too furious and uncomfortable to do that. Similar scenarios have happened before, resulting in my son, husband, and I becoming quite unwell. My brother then left with the kids to pick his daughter up from her first birthday party of the day. I told my mum it was really disrespectful that they’d done this again, and that I was absolutely furious. I could have been more calm and more diplomatic, but the gaslighting and denial of my right to be and express upset was too much. I asked for their street address so I could book a taxi home for me and my son. She insisted that she would leave too, although she eventually agreed that I could drive her car back if my brother could drive her home on the Sunday. He couldn’t do that as he and his wife had too many plans, notwithstanding our visit. So we all left and the rest of our stay with her (2 days) was either silent treatment or ice cold responses. I tried to talk to her about how hurtful it was to be treated like that, which only made it worse. I told her we won’t be coming back for a while and, although I didn’t say this, I’ve decided we’ll stay in a hotel when we do return.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My mum told my son she’s still very angry with me. When I sent her a message, once I’d arrived back home, saying how hurt I am her response was that “we are both hurting”. AITA expecting contrition?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO: So you visiting your brother would have been just ‘yeah free babysitting’ for him not even trying to hang out with you? And he tried to push his sick child on you too?
Definitly NTA. You see were the prioritiece are in this family and you are just a drag along for that. Your mom can visit you, if she wants to, but you don’t have to go there – even fly there and then being a free babysitter and being met with ice cold ignoring for the rest of the stay.
You should have left home, the first day, she tried to pull the silent treatment on you and leave to a hotel. But yeah, I think it is easier to say after then in the situation itself.
NTA. You asked for clarification that your nephew wasn’t really that sick and it was made out to be no big deal, but that was a blatant lie. You said this wasn’t the first time something like this happened. You gave another chance to correct it, and behold nothing changed. Your reaction was setting a boundary; you don’t want your family getting sick because of someone’s negligence to communicate truthfully and effectively. To your mom, it might not sound like a big deal, but it really is.
You also mentioned that your mom got annoyed when you asked for clarification on how your nephew was sick and you went ahead with the trip to not ruin the mood; it sounds like this situation has happened before and had a similar result.
NTA…. I think I would have a sit down with Mom and ask her, Mom. Please explain to me your thought process on this situation? Why in the world would you want to take the risk of getting sick yourself by watching brother’s child, knowing he is sitting there with a vomit bucket and that he would probably want to be with his parents more so than anyone when he is not feeling that well? Why are you so upset with me over this situation? I mean, did you ever once as your parent yourself think oh I’m going to go out to a party and leave my sick kid at home with someone else, knowing that they would probably want to be with me versus whoever was watching them?
NTA
You do not invite people over when someone’s having a stomach bug, ferchrissake.
My experience is that trying to explain why you are hurt only really works if the other person does not genuinely know or understand and is interested in hearing. In this case, your mother probably knew and understood, but disagreed.
I’m not sure I understand why your mother took it so much to heart. Kids get sick and plans change. Why was this such a big deal to her? Why was it so important to her that you stay despite the kid being obviously sick?
NTA. Your brother is a terrible parent and friend to EVERYONE else they exposed to the stomach flu your nephew had. They tend to be very easily transmitted and not everyone at those parties is going to be able to bounce back after being exposed. They should have been isolating til nephew was better.
I wouldn’t visit again. I’d let her visit you for the next while where you have the control to stay or go.
That she sulked for days after would just reaffirm how little she cares about you.
So tummy bugs usually have a couple of days incubation period. 2 ways this could have played out:
a) Your brother and his wife have been exposed, and were likely at a point they could spread the disease if they planned to go out. You stay and babysit, then you, your husband and son are exposed. 2 days later you have to travel home, exposing others and getting sick while travelling. That’s a lot of sick people.
b) when they realise their son is sick, they cancel your visit (protecting you all) and their night out (protecting the people they would have come into contact with).
NTA
NTA
So who ended up having to stay with sick nephew?
You don’t even need to visit your mom. YWBTA if you continue to spend time with your mom period. Sharing genetic material doesn’t give her a free pass to treat you however she wants and you have to take it. You need to grow a spine my dear, and realize she will never treat you the way you deserve.
Updateme