My niece is 15 and understandably she hates her ‘step mom’, my brother is yet to get married to his gf but he was hellbent on getting married to his gf even when his daughter protested and was against being a step daughter to his gf my brother didn’t listen to her.
He moved in his gf 2 months ago and my niece felt suffocated in her own home and she would constantly complain about it to me and her grandparents (our parents).
My brother travels alot due to his job and whenever he’s absent my niece would come to us and stay with us and it doubled downed when her step mom moved into her home.
My niece is the only child in our family so we spoil her by agreeing to her demands etc she also feels lonely and on top of that she cries during her periods cramps so she seeks comfort from us and sleeps besides my mom and sometimes with me.
But this week when my niece came over to stay with us her soon to be step mom showed up and she said she wants to take her daughter back home.
My niece refused to go with her and she said that she’ll stay with us and won’t return until her father is back home, but she kept trying to convince my niece and my niece told her that she hates her and doesn’t want to stay with her.
I intervened and told her that forcing my niece won’t help her and she should just leave for now.
She got angry at me and she said that I’m the reason why my niece acts like a brat because we spoil her and she’s not a child anymore and she can’t grow because we treat her like a toddler and won’t let her discipline my niece like a mother should.
My neice started arguing with her and she said that she’d rather stay with me than her and she’s not leaving, this whole arguments back and forth was quite dramatic and hectic to say the least.
She left but later she calls me and says that I have ruined her life and her marriage by not allowing her to have a relationship with my niece, apparently my brother got to know about all this and he told her that he’s rethinking of his decision of getting married to her.
She even started crying and she said that I should convince my brother to not break the marriage and she loves him but I told her that I don’t care about their relationship I just care about my niece and I hung up on her.
I’m not sure where I stand as an asshole here because she keeps saying that I am one and my brother has different plans and he changes his mind every now and then
Am I asshole?
Comments
Probably should mind your own business and let your brother work things out with his daughter and fiancee
NTA at all! Your niece is 15 and clearly struggling with this huge life change, and you’re being a supportive aunt by giving her a safe space when she needs it. The soon-to-be stepmom showing up demanding to take her “daughter” home when your niece explicitly said no is completely overstepping – she’s not her mother and can’t force a relationship that isn’t there. If your brother is rethinking the marriage because his daughter is unhappy, that’s his decision as a parent, not something you caused by protecting your niece’s emotional wellbeing
NTA
The argument was happening under your roof. You get involved. You are also right that forcing the 15 year old to do anything wont help the relationship.
It is not your fault your brother is rethinking the marriage. That is between him and the future step monster.
NTA. The woman ISN’T her mother & at 15 she can’t force her to act like this woman is her mother.
NTA. It sounds like your bro didn’t okay her trying to take his kid from your care. If he had wanted niece to stay with his gf he would have done it before leaving. She is projecting because it’s her who blew up the relationship and your bro is putting his daughter first (rightfully so). Props to your bro for not being an idoit and has his priorities straight. He smart enough to connect the dots that gf could destory his relationship with his daughter and he may love his gf but he loves his daughter more (again rightfully so).
NTA. You and your family have raised this child and she’s almost an adult. Now is not the time for her new stepmom to force a relationship when it’s not wanted. The only issue I have with what you wrote is that your family spoils her and caters to all her demands because she’s the only child. That is going to bite all of you in the butt later when she is a brat, has a tantrum in public or fails to launch into a functioning adult. But in this case she should not be forced to have a mother daughter relationship with dad’s new wife but maybe she shouldn’t be an asshole to her if her only issue with her is that she married her dad.
She may love your brother but she sure don’t love your neice.
NTA about not forcing her, but all of you are TA for admittedly spoiling this girl. She’s showing now she doesn’t care so long as she gets what she wants. While forcing a relationship isn’t okay, it sounds like your niece hasn’t even tried being basic nice to this woman, and all of you support her in that.
So I agree that the step mom shouldn’t try to force things.
But is there any validity to the argument that your niece is being spoiled?
Honestly, it sounds like your brother needs to get his house in order. This is his problem to solve in every aspect.
And then, if he is failing his daughter in any important way, she at least has the support of her family.
As far as who is in the wrong? I have to say the step mom is, for being too forceful.
It’s possible you were out of line, but the information is too limited to say yes for certain.
Your brother is an ass for moving in his gf, especially when his only child isn’t on board. Next, gf is NOT family, has no authority, and it isn’t appropriate at all. She needs to stay in her lane.
As a step mom? This chick is major overstepping. Shes trying to insert herself into a role to garner praise from her fiancé and play house. It’s gross. It’s inappropriate. And it has backfired.
I would tell your brother that he and this woman need to go see a therapist who specializes in blended families and listen up. What they’re doing is damaging.
NTA!!
Any stepparent who is demanding access to discipline a child is a MONSTER. It’s not the place to be a parent. Their job is to support the actual parent’s decisions and to be a safe space and trusted adult.
This… lady… just want control. Screw her and keep protecting your neice.
Source: I was adopted by a male relative who became my “dad” and he remarried when I was four. My “stepmother” was given permission to discipline me and felt like beating a five year old with a hairbrush and calling my bio mom (was was dead) an n-word fucker would “straighten me out”. I went no contact with both of them the second I became an adult.
NTA but your brother is got dismissing his daughter’s concerns and is only caring now that his fiancé is upset. His daughter has not been his priority it seems. That’s sad.
At some point, the adults in the room have to realize that a child should not be able to prevent a parent from moving on and forward in life. There is NO information given here that says this woman is a bad person, or mean, or inappropriate- Just that she exists and a child doesn’t like it. Why isn’t anyone explaining to the child that just because she doesn’t want dad to move on doesn’t mean it’s right? Why isn’t anyone giving this kid a reality check?
YTA-ESH. You don’t support your brother at all here. He has every right to find love and have a good relationship with a partner. You are letting a child run away from life and reality and NO ONE is teaching this child patience, flexibility, empathy, the ability to look at something from another perspective…. You are straight up allowing a child to run away from home simply because SHE DOES NOT LIKE a situation. You aren’t protecting her, you aren’t doing her any favors, you’re preventing her from growing and learning.
If there was abuse, neglect, violence, competition- on the ADULT part, passive aggressiveness….. any myriad of issues that would point to the child having valid reasons of fear or discomfort, then you should absolutely support the child. This situation does not sound like that at all! This kid sounds like a spoiled brat who’s used to being not just an only child but having dad all to herself and is being resistant to change NO MATTER WHO IT HURTS!
The girlfriend shouldn’t be forcing anything, and your niece is not her daughter. But unless you have permission from dad to allow the daughter to be with you while he’s gone, you’re aiding a runaway. There’s not enough information here to blame the gf of anything but moving too fast.
Your brother also sucks because he can’t seem to get his shit together. It’s clear the child needs serious support AND an unbiased person to get her to see why she feels this way and why she’s hell bent on keeping her dad to herself. It isn’t fair to any potential partner to have to put up with a rebellious child who is quite content to break up a relationship for her own benefit.
Ok first of all, does niece have a problem with him dating in general, or is it just this gf that’s the issue?
If it’s him dating in general, she needs to start seeing a therapist asap
If the gf is the issue, than you need to read your brother the riot act and let him know in no uncertain terms that his a shit father for moving in a women his daughter hates and one that refuses to respect basic boundaries
I can’t help but wonder if the reason your brother is rushing/forcing things is because he wants a bang-maid so he doesn’t have to do his own laundry, cooking and housekeeping?
Surely he can see his daughter is miserable with the gf in the house? Or is he just more concerned with getting his dick wet and not having to do his own laundry?
Your brother should put his daughter first. He should not get married I ed until she is 18.
NTA. Why does your niece dislike her? You admit that she is spoiled, and your family continues to do it. She is going to be an adult soon. You don’t want that to carry over. Be mindful.
NTA. She’s old enough to decide that she wants to stay with you and the family when her dad is away. That the step monster mentions discipline is a a problem. Step monster is the problem. Keep her away.
NTA Your neice doesn’t feel safe staying with her. I’d be more worried at them trying to force your neice into being adopted by her furure stepmom. Stay strong for your neice. I suspect she may need a place to stay once she’s 18.
NTA. This woman has NO legal rights at this point. As you stated, she’s only a girlfriend, soon to be stepmother.
Document. Document. Document. Find a good family lawyer.
Brother needs to wait until his daughter is 18 and moving out of the house. This niece may be jealous or there could be a real conflict there. However, it is up to your brother to rectify the situation. He is her father and guardian. The new stepmom doesn’t really have any say at this point, if ever.
NTA- they aren’t married yet but she can’t wait to discipline his child. Pretty fucked up.