I (17F) have lived with my mom (35F) and stepdad (36M) since my biological father went to prison. Things with my mom and stepdad have never been great, but over the past few years, our relationship has completely deteriorated.
My mom and stepdad have three young children together (6, 5, and 3), which leaves them constantly overwhelmed—and me constantly ignored. I’ve struggled a lot with trauma and adjusting to my environment, but instead of support, I’m met with anger or indifference.
My mom is emotionally cruel. She only acts nice to me when people are watching or on social media. In private, she calls me names, tears down my goals, and treats me like a full-time housemaid. I’m responsible for most of the chores, and nothing gets done unless I do it. My mom spends a lot of time drinking, getting high, or cheating on my stepdad, and he barely does anything to help.
One day, I forgot to do the dishes while they were out. When they got home, my stepdad stormed into my room and told me to get downstairs. My mom immediately started yelling at me, saying I was just like my bio dad—a “lazy piece of shit”—and threatened to send me to live with my uncle, who is just as dangerous as my father. That broke me.
I completely snapped. I screamed back, called her out for her behavior, and said I hated her. I locked myself in my room. My stepdad came up later, apologized for what she said, and admitted she went too far. I was hyperventilating and hiding between my bed and the wall. He sat far away and tried to calm me down.
Then my mom came in again, screaming that she was going to call the cops to take me to the hospital so I’d be “ruined” for the Army. I asked her to leave, and she slammed the door and locked herself in her room.
That was a few weeks ago. Since then, she hasn’t spoken to me—except to tell her friends I’m mentally unstable or to tell my stepdad she hates me. We live in the same house, but I feel completely invisible unless she’s insulting me.
I’ve told them I plan to go no contact once I graduate and enlist. I’m counting down the days until I can leave. But now I don’t know what to do anymore…
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
I (17F) have lived with my mom (35F) and stepdad (36M) since my biological father went to prison. Things with my mom and stepdad have never been great, but over the past few years, our relationship has completely deteriorated.
My mom and stepdad have three young children together (6, 5, and 3), which leaves them constantly overwhelmed—and me constantly ignored. I’ve struggled a lot with trauma and adjusting to my environment, but instead of support, I’m met with anger or indifference.
My mom is emotionally cruel. She only acts nice to me when people are watching or on social media. In private, she calls me names, tears down my goals, and treats me like a full-time housemaid. I’m responsible for most of the chores, and nothing gets done unless I do it. My mom spends a lot of time drinking, getting high, or cheating on my stepdad, and he barely does anything to help.
One day, I forgot to do the dishes while they were out. When they got home, my stepdad stormed into my room and told me to get downstairs. My mom immediately started yelling at me, saying I was just like my bio dad—a “lazy piece of shit”—and threatened to send me to live with my uncle, who is just as dangerous as my father. That broke me.
I completely snapped. I screamed back, called her out for her behavior, and said I hated her. I locked myself in my room. My stepdad came up later, apologized for what she said, and admitted she went too far. I was hyperventilating and hiding between my bed and the wall. He sat far away and tried to calm me down.
Then my mom came in again, screaming that she was going to call the cops to take me to the hospital so I’d be “ruined” for the Army. I asked her to leave, and she slammed the door and locked herself in her room.
That was a few weeks ago. Since then, she hasn’t spoken to me—except to tell her friends I’m mentally unstable or to tell my stepdad she hates me. We live in the same house, but I feel completely invisible unless she’s insulting me.
I’ve told them I plan to go no contact once I graduate and enlist. I’m counting down the days until I can leave. But now I don’t know what to do anymore…
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like it’s a bad thing to do even when your parents are horrible at times. They aren’t bad all the time but when it gets bad it’s like the world comes crashing down on me.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA screw those people. Im very sorry youre in such a bad place but youre gonna get out on the other side and feel so much better! Be careful though, the army uses desperation and other tactics to manipulate people like you. Not saying its a bad choice it’ll be great but dont let them make you feel like you owe them anything.
Okay, here’s what you need to do. Get all of your important papers together (birth certificate, Social security card etc), make yourself a go-bag. Underwear, socks, jeans, shorts, t-shirts and shoes. Get some ziploc bags and put toiletries in the bag, deodorant, travel shampoo, the works. Hide it away for now, a friends house or the garage or wherever.
Ignore your mom, she’s not worth your tears.
At this point you’re going to have to pull yourself up. When do you turn 18? Also do you have an adult you can trust to talk to? . Make sure you keep your grades up. Do you have access to a computer? Access the ASVAB test. There should be practice tests-you’re required to take one when you enlist but practicing will help you. They’re a test of where your strengths lay.
Build up your strength, you’ll need to be able to run, push ups, pull ups etc. Is there a place where you can build your strength up? YMCA? School gym? A running track? You might even touch base with a recruiter now and get some pointers. You don’t have to sign now, but see if there are exercises they recommend etc. You get healthier and stronger now then you won’t injure yourself in boot camp.
You have to understand, adults aren’t perfect. We’re broken and shattered by life. Some get the help and move on, others wallow in their tragedy and make everyone else miserable. They haven’t learned how to BE better. You can see this and you can promise yourself to do better.
Good luck, kiddo. And of course, NTA.
NTA. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. If you never want to speak with them again, that’s perfectly valid. I would say that it may be beneficial for you to consider going to therapy if you can so you can process all of the trauma they’ve caused you. I hope you can get out soon.
Never tell people your plans. Keep that stuff to yourself. Act like it’s fine. You forgot about it. You were just upset, then do what justwowin said. Get all your personal stuff. Make a go bag. Start moving the stuff you want out of the house. One small thing at a time. I loaned that to a friend. I gave that away. I outgrew that. My space is cluttered. I’m going for a minimalistic lifestyle because I’m tired of cleaning so much stuff. Right up to the day you walk out and don’t go back. Keep your plans to yourself. 🫂❤️ Be safe in the meantime tell her whatever she wants to hear. Tell her she was right and you don’t want to go to the military anymore. That way she doesn’t ruin it for you.
NTA. Going no contact with people like this is a smart and reasonable plan. Though telling them that ahead of time, I don’t know about that. You’ve got another year to go? Is there anyplace else you could live for the coming year? If not, I guess just keep your head down, try to stay out of their way. Maybe get a job after school or something, so you won’t be home so much?
NTA if you can go anywhere else, go. Don’t let your grades go down, prepare for enlisting and leave as soon as possible. Don’t engage with your mom, talk to a school counselor if you can. You deserve better. It’s good that your stepdad seems to have your back at least a little bit. But you need to leave and never look back. You deserve better
nta the days of your life will pass. soon you will be free. be well battered spirit
NTA. I second all of the preparation advice given you, including the fitness advice. If you can, talk with more than 1 recruiter for each service you are considering. Individual recruiters sometimes give mistaken information. Don’t forget the Coast Guard! I think you shouldn’t mention the military again nor should you tell either “parent” when you start the process or any step along the way.
You are being at least emotionally abused. I recommend that, if you have transportation, you look into places you can start getting therapy for free. Check the National Institute of Health website and with your local Department of Human Services for resources. You are likely to encounter situations in Basic training and going forward that activate your past experiences. Some healing now can help you to not allow the padt to overwhelm you or produce unhelpful responses from you in the present. You are best served to be emotionally as fit as you can before you join. If you can’t make physical appointments, check into teletherapy through the resources you find.
The last thing I would say to you is that the military branches are institutions. Although they sometimes talk of being a family, they are not. You can build your new family from those with whom you closely serve, though. And please take advantage of the education benefits military service offers. You will be best positioned for a later career both in the military and once you leave service, whether by your choice or by injury.
Best of luck!
NTA. Your mum sounds like a reprehensible person. We don’t choose our family.
All I would say is make sure you do it with zero regrets.
NTA. Also call the cops or CPS. Seriously.
Your mother is psychotic, and she should be reported for her behavior, and how it’s not only affecting you, but your siblings as well.
I have a feeling your mother will just start mistreating them after you’re gone, so look out for that.
I know it’s hard, if she calls anyone first, she could slander you, and it will he harder for people to believe you, but if you make the call first, they will take you more seriously.
Good luck with everything.
My parents were not any better.
I told them that if they continued to do what they were doing, they’d be too late to fix any relationship that they thought they might have with me as an adult.
I was in and out of foster care due to their “caring”- they didn’t care so much for my siblings, I took care of them, but when it came to me I wasn’t even allowed to wear squorts (short-skirt combo) or chapstick because it made me “look like I had cok-sucking lips.” All this when I was like 5 years old.
I have moved past things, cut them off multiple times and I have been guilted many times for them to have a relationship with my son, their grandchild.
It’s continued behavior that I cut them off when they cross my boundaries. I’m not the only sibling of the 4 youngest that have cut them off either. There’s a ton of family trauma and drama I do not entertain at all.
My husband is leading the way in helping me heal and has been a great source of confidence. It’s taken a lot of horrible relationships- all of which I have reflected and found that it was a mirror image to the relationship my parents have had, including mirroring how I was treated growing up. Be aware of this for yourself and your future relationships.
Cutting them off otherwise has helped a lot with my PTSD, but I still felt the need to try to “keep things together” for my siblings and now kiddo, not recognizing their toxic behaviors.
I’m glad for you, as you see these behaviors. It will be hard to get out of the routines without healing, and it will take time. Be patient with yourself, and ask your guidance counselor- tell them your plans and what you deal with in your day to day. Also get a job away from them. The more you’re out, the more they need to step up as a parent.
You are cared for, and it’s hard. You can do this.
NTA Good for you standing up for yourself. Believe in yourself and be independent. Good luck for your future journey!
You maintain and go ahead with your enlistment. See the recruiter, sign everything and work towards your goal.
A word of caution, do NOT marry one of those women who prey on newly enlisted to sit on their assess and collect their husbands pay. Avoid avoid avoid.
Eyes on the goal.
NTA
NTA Get your stuff together. Birth certificate etc. Your mom is crazy. Mine was too. All bets are off as far as her being normal. Lay low and save any money you can till you leave for the military. Don’t let her tempt you into fighting with her etc. She will call the cops and ruin your future. She is a piece of work.
NTA
As someone who did exactly this, except Navy, it’s absolutely the correct choice.
I do think you should have kept it to yourself until you were safe, as it puts you in more danger, but I fully understand things slipping in the heat of the moment.
Good luck to you, from someone your parents’ age that wish it wasn’t such a good option for escaping
Hopefully you only have a few more weeks with them… they’re also angry with you because they know you are leaving and they won’t be able to have their maid anymore…
If you have any safe relatives, ask if you can spend your senior year with them. Your step-father sounds better than your mother. When you leave, tell him to take care of the mental health of the young kids by keeping your mother away from them.