Little back ground I am 18f. Just starting college.
Through out my life I’ve never really wanted to get married. My parents divorced when I was 6 due to abuse. That and simply observing other people’s lives lead me to become disinterested in marriage at a young age.
I’ve never wanted babies/kids. And I’ve never wanted sexual intercourse of any kind.
Unfortunately all men I’ve ever met could tolerate not having kids, but can’t live without well.. sex.
I’m very comfortable in my boundaries. However my parents are not, they are divorced but have always gotten upset that I wasn’t dating, or planning to have kids. They always say ‘you’ll change your mind’ and get angry when I remind them it isn’t going to happen.
Both of my parents talk and plan out my ‘future wedding’ I feel like I’m letting them down. But in my heart I know marriage isn’t for me.
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Little back ground I am 18f. Just starting college.
Through out my life I’ve never really wanted to get married. My parents divorced when I was 6 due to abuse. That and simply observing other people’s lives lead me to become disinterested in marriage at a young age.
I’ve never wanted babies/kids. And I’ve never wanted sexual intercourse of any kind.
Unfortunately all men I’ve ever met could tolerate not having kids, but can’t live without well.. sex.
I’m very comfortable in my boundaries. However my parents are not, they are divorced but have always gotten upset that I wasn’t dating, or planning to have kids. They always say ‘you’ll change your mind’ and get angry when I remind them it isn’t going to happen.
Both of my parents talk and plan out my ‘future wedding’ I feel like I’m letting them down. But in my heart I know marriage isn’t for me.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I told my parents I don’t plan on getting married. (2) it’s every parent’s dream to watch their daughter get married and I’m taking that opportunity away from them.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA for telling your parents how you feel.
Expect them to be a little disappointed, especially if your only child.
You’re the only one here that is NTA. Everybody else in this are AH’s for stepping your boundaries. If you don’t want to have intercourse or marriage, they can’t push you.
NTA, you should never commit to a marriage or a child if you don’t feel ready. Others can get upset over it, but it’s your choice
Perhaps you’re Ace – asexual. No shame in it at all. Perhaps you could concentrate on friendships for companionship. Don’t let others bully you.
NTA
Very early on, I knew I didn’t want children. I have always been very clear on the subject with my potential partners, it is important.
Today I am over fifty and, when I look around me and contemplate our world, I tell myself that in the end I did well.
On the other hand, I have 7 cats (a real walking cliché 🤣)
You’re 18, a kid still. Your desires will change with life experience. Whether or not you get married is a different story. But you WILL change. Its inevitable.
Also as a guy who hated marriage in my twenties, and thought it was a trap and just a chance for heartbreak, your views can change. Not every marriage is a failure/misery. Many are happy and fulfilling.
Point is, keep an open mind.
NTA. It’s your life to live and it’s ok to feel the way you do. Parents tend to have a picture of how they feel their children should turn out – it may take some time for them to realize you’re serious about your life choices. Agree to disagree and do whats best for you.
Def NTA here! It’s your life, you should live it the way YOU want, not how they envision. Stay true to yourself mate. Remember, everyone else’s opinions don’t define ur happiness. Marriage n kids ain’t for everyone n that’s cool. Keep doing you! 💪🔥
Absolutely NTA.
You can keep reminding them gently about it, or avoid interacting the topic much. They get upset because they hope that you will get married.
Some people (even on Reddit) may say that you need therapy or help if you absolutely do not get married, but IMO, it is 100% up to you how you choose to live your life, and whatever you choose to do, it is okay.
You are not letting your parents down, because I’m sure that parents should want their children to be happy first more then anything else (or if they don’t, they should). Once again, NTA OP.
NTA but do you need to make them understand? You’ve told them so whether or not they choose to believe you is on them. You’ve been honest already.
You’re only 18, they shouldn’t be even talking about marriage and grandchildren at this point. I get you not wanting either, and that’s fine, but decisions one makes at 18 or younger just aren’t binding. I’d recommend not saying anything about marriage or children yo your parents. If anyone brings it up tell them you’re way too young to be thinking about any of that and shut them down (not because you’re not sure, because there’s no point in wasting energy getting into a debate about something that is noone else’s business).
Your parents plan out your “future marriage” when you are 18 and single? That’s incredibly weird…
Considering this weirdness, it’s not surprising that’s how you feel.
It is your life, you can live it however you want to 🙂 it is yours! NTA
NTA, it’s your life, live it however makes you happiest. They made their life choices good and bad, and you’ll do the same your choices may be different from theirs and that’s perfectly fine. You are your own person, not an extension of anyone else.
Of course not. It’s your life. Sounds like you may have been through the ringer too with them. Ideally deep down theyd get it but I know cultural programming dies hard.
Definitely NTA. It’s your choice, your parents can get over it.
When I was your age and any family members brought up having kids, I always hit them with “why are you so invested in my sex life. You’re so weird, ew” and walked away. Yeah, I got in trouble for it a few times, but not before embarrassing that family member into never bringing it up again.
NTA. Whether you change you mind in the future absolutely does not matter. This is how you feel now, and it should be respected.
NTA. Its your life and you are entitled to have what kind of life you can provide for yourself. Right now, you dont want that kind of life and that’s perfectly fine. Its also perfectly fine if you decide to change your mind in 10 years. The rules are what you make them to be, no one else.
NTA. But also, none of us know what we’ll want in our lives at 18.
NTA
your life, your choice! never get married for anyone buy you, not to please people or because you want to be married.
NTA. I am AROACE – I think I’m saying that right. Aromantic asexual.
A relationship, or even missing out on sex. It’s just never interested me.
I’m truly blessed that my family has never given me any grief about that, unlike yours.
If they had feelings about it, they never shared them.
Well, maybe once in awhile, my mom would say she was concerned about me being alone as I got older.
But I got quite the surprise a couple of years ago, when I was driving her back from visiting my brother, who lives about 200 miles away.
She’s always respected our boundaries, and if she’s venting about my brothers, she does it to me, and I’m happy to listen, because it’s safer that way. She knows not to alienate her daughter-in-law.
So we stopped on the way home at a gas station that always has the best prices, and as we were pulling Back onto the freeway she very quietly said, “I’m very proud of you, you know that don’t you? I’m proud of the life you’ve built for yourself without any help from anybody else. Not many people can do that, but I don’t worry about you anymore.
As you get older you realise never is a long time. You may never change your mind, but you might. Basically you’re saying I’m not getting married if I end up like you guys.
Being asexual is fine. Not wanting kids or a relationship is fine. Just keep reitertaing. & I’m sorry if they accept.
NTA.
My counter to this when I was your age and my stepmom said that by calling myself asexual I was “closing off options” for myself: what options am I closing off, exactly? If I realize one day that I want to start dating, can’t I just start then? If I realize one day that actually sex does sound fun, can’t I just go have some?? In what way is saying “I don’t want to have a love life” preventing me from ever having one if I change my mind? And additionally, what does “keeping my options open” look like to you when I actively do not want to date? Are you saying I should go out with people even if I desperately don’t want to? Are you saying I should just let someone touch me when the idea horrifies me? Is that what you want for me?
The only option you might be closing off is carrying a child. But that option is often unavailable anyway, and people who’ve wanted to have kids all their lives are suddenly told by a doctor “you can’t, actually, your body doesn’t have that function.” But we don’t tell everyone “don’t get your hopes up, you might be sterile” when they’re six years old playing house. So why should anyone tell a young woman to hurry and ignore her current wants just in case she’d like to carry a kid one day???
You know yourself best and you know what you want right now. That’s what matters. NTA and your parents need to realize you’re a person, not a Barbie for them to design a life for.
ETA: I’m 33 now, married to my best friend for eight years, entirely platonic relationship. I’ve never kissed anyone, never dated, never even flirted. And I don’t feel like I’ve missed out at all. I love my marriage and my comfort. You deserve to find equal joy!
You’re 18. You’re going to change your mind about 90% of everything that you feel right now. You’re NTA for having a very normal 18-year old opinion.
Literally every one of my friends that I’ve had since I was 18, all said that they didn’t want to get married or have kids. 20 years later, they’re all married, have tons of kids, and are happier than ever.
You’ll probably change your mind. And if you don’t, who cares. NTA.
NTA my son is aroace and I love and accept him as a person. Your parents should do the same for you instead of planning to try and live vicariously through you
NTA. My aunt announced she didn’t want kids when she was 7 years old. She’s now 61, has no kids and no regrets. Yes, maybe you could change your mind, but you seem pretty sure on your decision and that’s perfectly fine, it’s your life.
NTA but you might want to try being smarter about it. There is no need to tell your parents about everything. “Oh well, I guess we’ll see.” “Maybe if I meet the right guy.” “Well I haven’t met anyone I like.”
Avoid, deflect, and above all don’t mention your sex life to your parents! They don’t need to know if you are having sex or not, or ever intending to have it or not.
Nothing wrong with that. I would only caution you to say that you never know. Someone might be interested in the same things you are, and best friends. Stranger things have happened.
When I was your age I was never going to marry, for different reasons (I can detect lies and need 100% truth all the time, may be autism or something I don’t know) anyway, I never was going to marry, but then I met someone who I really liked. We dated he accepted what I said as truth and did it. There were some issues in the beginning, but 23 years of marriage later we have a great relationship.
Never had kids though. Never wanted any. No regrets. 🙂
NTA
> I feel like I’m letting them down.
Don’t feel guilty about this. No one should get married and/or have kid(s) out of some notion that they owe something like that to their parents. That sort of stuff should be done if you’re interested in it.
Don’t do it. It’s overrated (marriage that is). NTA
Not attacking but curious, if you’re not interested in sex why do you still desire men in your life?