Okay, I’ll try to be short.
I (22M) have a good relationship with my parents and with my twin sisters (27), but when it comes to my brother Kevin (20M) no one really likes him around the house, he’s just tolerated. He is what you would call an incel, so he is incredibly disgusting towards women, even to his own sisters (not to our mother though, he’s not that dumb). I could give a lot of examples, but it would be pretty long, so I will just say there’s a reason why no women in her right mind comes close to him.
Anyway, I have been dating my girlfriend Sara (22F) for over a year now, and I just love her, she’s really important for me and she’s just awesome. She has met my sisters at my apartment and they got along, but she hasn’t met my parents yet.
You’ll see, I’m from a town, and I’m living in a city three hours away, moved initially to study, but I’ve decided to stay here for Sara, my friends and my job.
I can’t visit much due to my schedule, but my parents have insisted on meeting my girlfriend, and they told me to take her to our town so they could meet her, but I refused many times.
Initially, I was just giving vague excuses about us not having time, but they kept insisting, and recently, I was just honest to them. I told them I won’t take my girlfriend anywhere the creep of my brother is, god knows what he can do to her. He’s a complete creep, so I wouldn’t shocked if he tried to do something to her. That he will verbally attack her is as clear as glass, and I wouldn’t be shocked if he tried to assault her. They were angry at me for saying that about my brother, but I asked them if they’d really be shocked if that happened, given the way he acts around women.
Of course I can’t know for sure, but I’d be a really terrible boyfriend if I exposed Sara to that weirdo. I know that he will at least be agressive towards her, try to put her down and try to make her feel worthless.
He always speaks of women as if they were objects, and when he’s not, he’s saying they’re all whores that care only about money and that they should all stay in their houses, make babies, clean and cook while the man provides and all that bullcrap that incels with no jobs like to repeat over and over.
My parents are angry at me, but I have stated that my decision is final and that I will not let Kevin anywhere near my girl. They’re calling me an asshole, telling me they really wanted to meet Sara and that I was being too extreme, that they wouldn’t let Kevin try to attack Sara in anyway, but I don’t know, I still don’t want to expose her to that. Aita?
Comments
I would say standing your ground is definitely the right choice. No need to overcomplicate things.
NTA. You are right to keep her away. Clearly, they allow him to treat your sisters that way, probably because “faaamily” and “that’s just how he is”, but no. You’re a good man.
Nta. you do need to have a conversation with her and tell her your brother is a toxic, abusive misogynist. And that you will always have her back in dealing with him. Pehaps you can air bnb home a weekend, drive in Saturday, meet the parents for dinner, and return home Sunday. Make it clear incel is not invited. Your parents failed to raise him right a
Nta. Tell them they enable it but you wont.
Nta. Divorce your brother.
NTA!
Don’t expose her to your brother and don’t let your parents guilt trip you into either. Also, be aware that most of the time, we have to spend time and energy figuring out how to navigate all the different permutations of the meeting of our family and our SO. I know they upset but this is your life and your girl and your brother and you parents don’t get a vote in how you handle your business. Maintain your boundary brother. If its that crucial, they can get a hotel where you live and drive to you. Just make sure you video chat with them to ensure they did not bring your brother.
Why can’t you bring her to visit but make a condition that you guys can meet in public spaces and he isn’t invited. If he has an issue he can speak to you about it directly and you will tell him why you don’t feel comfortable with him being around your gf? If your parents don’t respect your boundary it’s a different story.
NTA, but you do need to explain the situation to her if you haven’t already.
You are protecting her from a legitimate threat, and I’m sorry your parents can’t or won’t see that.
They can visit you without your dearest brother if they want to meet her. Of course they would stay at a hotel and you would meet at a restaurant.
NTA.
NTA. They can visit you in your city. I drove 750 miles to meet my daughter in laws parents.
if your parents want to meet her so bad why cant they travel to your town?
Not convinced this is real but, assuming it is: If your parents are that keen to meet up, why can’t they come to you? NTA
NTA.
Protecting your gf from toxic people, even family, is good bf behaviour.
They are free to meet Sara, just when Kevin is away. Let your parents know that at least one of their sons is an adult and can set boundaries, and if they really want to meet Sara, this is the condition. Inform them that it isn’t in their best interests to try to get around this restriction if they want a strong relationship with you. Apologize and let them know that this isn’t what you want, this is what is, and you wish it wasn’t so.
NTA but tell your cheap lazy parents if they want to meet her so badly, they get off their lazy asses & travel to you (without your brother). There are zero requirements she travel to them at their insistence. Kowtowing to demanding prospective inlaws never lasts – they ALWAYS want more & more & more until there is nothing of the original human being left.
NTA.
You’re doing right by protecting your girlfriend. If your parents really want to meet her that bad, they shouldn’t have an issue with coming to you or meeting up somewhere without your brother.
Nta tell them if they want to meet her so bad they can come visit you WITHOUT your brother
Definitely not the A for protecting your GF.
If your partners want to meet her, they can come and visit you .
Keep her safe . 🙏🏻
NTA
I can’t figure out if you’re sincere or an idiot. So your brother is a dipshit. Good for him. I fail to see how she will be subjected to abuse if both your parents and yourself are present. Surely you’re capable of keeping her safe. If your brother is unpleasant, she will simply know that he’s a jerk, just like you said
NTA I am so proud of you for protecting your gf, I love this for her!
As far as your parents I wouldn’t even dream of meeting them in public in your town, I had set boundaries with mine and told them I didn’t want my siblings around and low and behold my toxic parents told them where we were meeting as if they were invited! If your parents see nothing wrong with his behavior what’s to stop them from telling him where you are meeting up? Which again overstepping your boundaries! Typical of toxic behavior!
I would tell my parents if they want to meet her only they can come up to meet her or not at all! End of! You’re an adult man who has made a decision and it’s final and you expect them to respect your decision! She means the world to you and you won’t allow anyone to disrespect her PERIOD!
NTA, If your parents want to meet your girlfriend, fine. They can go somewhere where your brother is not. He sounds dangerous and you’re absolutely doing the right thing protecting her from him.
Nta if they want to meet her they can come to you. They are enablers!
A lot of good advice. Go to your former home, stay in a hotel. Show her around town. Meet the parents for brunch in a public place of have them meet up while you’re giving your tour. Keep it short and sweet. Then head back to your new home.
If Kevin comes, allow gf to determine whether or not she wants to proceed. She’s capable of making her own decisions. Don’t force your opinion on her.
If she wants to meet your parents and see where you grew up, let her. If your bro shows up, don’t act hostile. Take the high road. Don’t make a scene and don’t embarrass your gf.
If she gets uncomfortable then politely leave, thank your parents for meeting up, and be on your way.
If this works out and y’all end up together, you can’t avoid your parents forever and you can’t live under a rock. You’re allowing your brother to control you if you alter your life when his name comes up. Don’t give him the satisfaction.
Wow that is extreme. Not sure how bad the bro is because the fact his own bro don’t trust him, I assume it must be damn bad. I can’t understand so the best is to arrange the meet up secretly wo the bro.
NTA.
You don’t trust your brother based off of his past behaviour, and you’re making sure to shield your girlfriend from his behaviour.
Have you spoken to your sisters about this yet? Perhaps with them being the eldest siblings (by a significant few years), they might be able to open your parents’ eyes to your youngest brother’s behaviour. Especially if your sisters can give a female’s perspective.
NTA, since they refuse to even hear your concerns, you know you can’t trust them to intervene. And that if he causes problems they will most likely take his side. If they are so keen on meeting her they can come to you, or if you go there the two of you can stay in a hotel and meet your parents for dinner
NTA, you’re being a good man. Book a hotel for the weekend, invite your parents for the day, if they bring your brother toss the lot out. Done. Good luck
NTA for not wanting to bring your girlfriend around your brother. However, there’s no reason why your parents can’t meet your girlfriend if they want to. Either they can travel to meet you where you live, or maybe you can arrange a dinner or something in their area with just them and your brother is not invited.
Honestly, give examples for context. The way you describe your brother sounds like he’s very dangerous but the way your parents react makes it like not a big deal.
Why can’t they visit you or you can meet somewhere in the middle? NTA.
NTA
It’s almost unbelievable that any male can survive to that age; naive, ignorant, and toxic attitude to girls/women … and he hasn’t been house-trained yet? His time will come…
If your parents remain enthusiastic about meeting Sara, they need to facilitate a compromise that meets with your time constraints. Their reluctance/inability to travel is on them. Is there a place/town between your city and your hometown that has a decent get-together amenity and / or restaurant/café? Such a meeting up place might be an ok round-trip for your parents and for you/Sara.
NTA
Reminder: It is 2025, we done been thru a pandemic, how do you not know how to handle this? Facetime them.
NTA
Good for you for protecting your girlfriend. Your concern is valid, and no one should feel unsafe around their partner. Your parents should respect your boundaries, you’re being responsible, not extreme. Keep standing up for what’s right.
If he act same towards his own sister then with what face your parents can even say he would when they can’t even protect there own daughter hoe can do shit now
NTA – your parents are angry at you because they can’t face that they should be angry with themselves. They have failed your brother. He is a 20 year old loser that will stick to them like a limpet for the rest of their miserable lives. They have given up on trying to parent him. They have accepted that this toxic stench will be around them forever, how dare you not accept it. So what if your girlfriend gets abused, they don’t care.
Nta. You are protecting your gf . Good on you