I’m not really sure where to start. My older sister is Addy (26). She’s 10 years older than me. We’re our parents only living kids but between us mom miscarried our sister when she was 17 weeks and our brother was stillborn at 34 weeks.
I won’t pretend to know everything that happened when I was a baby but I know for as far back as I can remember Addy has ignored me and rejected me by pretending I’m not her sister. There are no photos of just us. My parents apparently tried to take professional sibling photos but Addy wouldn’t be in the photos with me. Every birthday or family party she wouldn’t take photos with me. One of my cousins said she used to scream at everyone when our family tried to get photos of just us. And in grandkid photos she’d stand away from me.
When I was little I can remember Addy refusing to speak to me. She would ignore me asking her questions or telling her to come to dinner or asking to pass something at dinner or lunch. It hurt my feelings so bad. She wouldn’t even look at me when I asked her something and she didn’t care who she did it in front of. It was always the same even if our parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, neighbors, other kids or whoever were there.
When she went away to college she’d come back and ignore me still. She wouldn’t answer any question I asked. There were times she wanted to make extra money babysitting but whenever my parents said they’d give her money to babysit me she shot them down. Another time I was having a sleepover with some cousins and and friends. Addy agreed to help her chaperone until she realized I was one of the kids going to be there.
She told people she wasn’t an only child but only ever mentioned our brother and sister our parents lost. She never told people about me or said out loud that I was her sister too.
My birthday’s after she moved out she ignored. No card, no present, no call or text or birthday message. She wouldn’t get me anything for Christmas either but she would get others presents.
When she met her fiancé a four years ago she’d bring him home and they both ignored me. I wasn’t invited to their engagement party but his 15 year old sister was and our cousins who are my age and younger were invited.
My parents invite Addy and her fiancé over all the time for dinner and I’m ignored and my parents don’t even say anything. It’s reached a point where I feel so sad and let down by my parents too because they’re so close with Addy and even though they treat me good too it’s like how can they be okay with this. And I told them it hurt me because they can see how she ignores me and even her fiancé does it now too and they still welcome them into our home. They said this is Addy’s home too and she’s their daughter too. It made me so sad. My dad tried to comfort me when he realized but I just feel like nobody cares as much about me. My mom told me I need to be reasonable and mature about this and right now I’m not being either.
AITA?
Comments
AH? No. Petty? Yes.
Can you contact his 15 year old sister and ask ?
Nta, your parents never said anything to your sister growing up, they aren’t going to change now.
Your parents should have put their foot down years ago. You can’t force them to make your sister pay attention to you but it sounds like they are supportive of you. I’d just let it go.
Also intuitively there is something major missing from this story.
Why not just ask them to mediate a conversation with her?
I wondred what Addy has said to the fiance about you, it most be something bad.
NTA. Your sister and parents are major AHs though. Sister never got over her only child jealousy. Parents never tried to enforce it. I’m sorry you’re living with such morons. Try to keep your head down, have as little contact as possible with idiot older sister. In fact, ignore her. She doesn’t exist.
Your sister needs to be reasonable and mature. I’m sorry that you have to go through this either. Your sister is upset about losing your siblings or she is upset that she’s not the only child. I’m sorry that you’re going through this, but you really need to sit down with your parents and express your feelings. Your child and you shouldn’t have to be reasonable or mature about it.
NTA
your parents and sister are major ah tho
At the next get together when ur all there stand up and Ask her. Hey what’s your problem with me & see if it gets a response. & call your parents out at the same time. Ask why they are letting it happen, You are 16 so only a couple more years b4 u can legally move out & live your life.
There’s something missing here. None of this makes any sense.
Your sister has never acknowledged your existence, ignores the fact that you’re speaking & not one person in your family thought that was strange? Your family is highly dysfunctional.
What was Addy’s reason for not inviting you to her engagement party?
Your parents are ridiculous, and your sister is evil. I pray you have friends and other family that you can turn to and build with. You are NTA, and this is very sad.
Maybe she didn’t want to get close to you after the other two babies died. Maybe she feared you would die too so she wouldn’t let you in and now she doesn’t know how.
Sorry for the armchair psychology, I just can’t figure out her issue or why your parents would have put up with it when you were young. It is bothering me so I can only imagine how you feel.
NTA of course.
NTA. Your parents are also stupid as hell to not only tolerate this kind of behavior but also to not intervene.
Is there a chance you were adopted and that’s why she hates you?
I really don’t get the passiveness of your parents. And the fact that the fiance also accepts this kind of behavior… Once you are 18 – run.
Updateme if you find out any reasons why they treat you like that.
Sorry what?!
Your mother expects a 16-year old to be mature and reasonable but is happy to sanction a26-year old behaving like a toddler?!
You are NTA OP, your sister however definitely is; your mom likely is; and the jury is out re: your dad.
Your parents are wrong. They let your sister turn into a terrorist and they rewarded her behavior and ignored its effects on you.
NTA – I wonder if OP is adopted but her parents never told her, and this is why Addy doesn’t view her as her sister? It would never make it right what she has done too OP all these years, but it could explain it.
Ask your parents if you are adopted.
Reddit Updateme
i’m very sorry. But I think that with a good therapist, you will blossom like a lotus into your own life and realize the harm you have been subjected to and you’ll work through it and you’ll realize that you deserve to go out into the world and connect with those who truly value you for the precious person you are.
NTA – why doesn’t your mom expect your sister (who is ten years older than you!) to be reasonable & mature about this?
Your sister is an idiot, I’m sorry to say. Walk away when she’s there, your mental health is important. Good luck
So your mom thinks you, a 16 year old, needs to be mature and reasonable but thinks it’s okay for a 26 year old to flat out ignore the existence of a sibling?? Your family is dysfunctional as fuck OP I’m so sorry
NTA and it might not be the best advice but I would get really annoying about this, anytime she or her fiance are in the house just repeatedly ask “why are you ignoring me” or constantly bring it up to friends/family like “yeah my sister pretends I don’t exist and is really mean to me but my parents don’t care how upset it makes me so she’ll allowed to continue doing it” until someone acknowledges how weird this all is
NTA. I am so sorry that you are having to live like this. I have five children and to even try to imagine one of them feeling this way in their own home due to one of their siblings and my own behavior crushes me. I’m not quite understanding what kind of a man would want to marry a woman who treated her own little sister like this. That’s gross and clearly there is something wrong with both of them. As for your parents I can’t fathom allowing someone to treat my child this way. Regardless of whether or not that person was another one of my children. If I were you I would go absolutely no contact with everyone when you become an adult. Have you ever tried to find out why she behaves this way? Because this definitely isn’t normal at all. She clearly has some sort of issue. And none of it is your fault. Your parents however are equally to blame in this situation. You should be able to feel comfortable and safe in your own home. Hugs from a random Reddit mom.
Updateme
NTA. Jesus, what is wrong with them?Have you asked relatives for information? Were you ignored by your extended family too? Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, cousins? No way they didn’t see the way your sister and family were treating you.
NTA
Your parents failed you.
You are not going to change your sister’s feelings about you at this late date. As much as it hurts, you need to come to terms with this and give the same energy back.
Your parents REALLY should have had her in therapy or something to find out and work on the issue she had with you. My guess it is something that goes back to something said or done while you were still an infant and maybe not wanting a sibling. Either way, it should have been addressed when she was a minor.
I know it hurts, but you need to steel yourself against her and her growing family. Stay close with your cousins and other family members that love, cherish, and want you in their lives. You DESERVE that.
As for your parents and their golden child, you only have a few more years to have to deal with the rejection and lack of support of your feelings. I hope you are able to find your true chosen family that makes you happy as your grow.
I am so sorry your parents failed you and totally suck.
IF True??
Your parents are BIGGER Arseholes than your sister (I personally would wash my hands of her) for ALLOWING this.
It’s NEVER going to change, so do yourself a favour and go NC with them all ASAP.
My suggestion is have a crash out. Next time they come to dinner, CRASH THE FUCK OUT. Start with the questions, start yelling, tell your parents to STFU if you have to. You need answers. Don’t lay down like a dog. CRASH OUT. If you be a doormat your entire life, you’re never gonna get change. Unfortunately the more dramatic sibling is gonna get their way. It’s time you start being the more dramatic one. Seriously, crash out
Your parents are garbage. They are allowing this and in essence encouraging it by inviting them into your home and allowing them to spit in your face. They are disgustingly horrible parents and you are too young to understand just how despicable their actions truly are. They will eventually lose you completely and they deserve it.
How old was your sister when your mom had her miscarriage, and stillbirth? It could be that your sister was deeply effected by these situations, and felt the need to guard herself against feeling any kind of emotional attachment while your mom was pregnant with you, and that guarded feeling continued even after you were born?
Even if that was the case though, it doesn’t excuse how she treated, and continues to treat you. It also doesn’t excuse the fact that your parents have allowed it to continue.
I’m sorry that the issue you’re dealing with seems to continue without any acknowledgement of it occurring. Your parents can’t force your sister to be nice to you, but they can set boundaries like, “if you’re going to come over I need you to acknowledge your sister, and treat her like a fellow human being who has the right to exist” or something along those lines.
I doubt they would do this as they don’t seem to see it as an issue. It’s ok to advocate for yourself. The next time she and her fiance come to dinner, and everyone is seated, let them all know you have something to say. You can even write it down, and read it if you need to. Don’t skimp out on any details. Let her know that during your entire childhood you have felt less than, or not worthy of existing. That you have, and continue to feel, invisible. Give examples. Talk about how it’s effecting your current mental health and self worth. End it by asking something like, “I just need to know why. Are you ok? Are you struggling with something, and taking it out on me? What is going on?”…. maybe this would force some kind of communication?
I also think it’s pretty shitty your parents attended the engagement party you were left out of even though other cousins and siblings of the finance were in attendance. While your sister and her fiance have a right to invite or not invite who they want, your parents could have pointed out it was wrong to leave you out and not the other young family members, and they won’t be able to attend unless you attend with them.
You’re NTA. Also know that you are worthy of acknowledgement. You’re worthy of love. You are worthy enough to exist.
I’m so sorry! This is not ok, you deserve much more than this and your parents need to step up or they’ll lose you.
Your parents suck.
YOU are supposed to be reasonable and mature, but the woman who is ten years older than you and about to get married is apparently exempt from the same requirements? Ask your parents why they seem to value peace in the household when Addy is around more than your comfort in your OWN HOME. Because Addy doesn’t live there anymore.
Go no contact. If that’s how they want it fine, your better off without them
NTA I am so sorry this is happening too, I recommend you show your parents this post and make them read the comments. By them not checking your sisters horrible behavior they will now lose you when you are out of the house. Your so called sister is a brat and the fact that all the adults act like this is normal shows how horrible they are.
How reasonable and mature is Addy being, that’s what you should ask your parents. Did they never try to get you both in therapy? Have you ever asked them what her problem was?
NTA. Go no contact with the lot of them. If they ask about it, you can say “I didn’t think you’d notice.”
NTA!
Tell me that sis is the golden child without telling me.
Your parents are the ah’s here cause they see how it affects you. You have spoken with them, and they expect you to put up with being ignored by all of them? Hell no!
Tell a trusted adult at school if possible or another relative and ask that they take a clue by four and smack everyone with it.
When you can move out and go no contact with them and see how quickly they change their tune and if they dont change it, stay no contact.
NTA honestly your sister behavior doesn’t make sense. Idk maybe she see’s you as some replacement for her brother and sister that weren’t born and she just in some twisted way rejects your existence because they should be the ones here and not you? Idk I’m taking a wild guess. Either way your parents should have put her in therapy and stopped her behavior. They failed you. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this and your parents never stepped up to protect you.
NTA
You are totally within your rights to feel hurt by everything your sister choose to do, but you can’t really dictate other peoples relationships. You can feel hurt and respond to that with things within your power, but it is not in your power to tell your parents what children they can or cannot have a relationship with because its not your place to make that choice for them just like it isn’t their place to try to force you to have a relationship with your sister if you don’t want one.
If you want to, make a list of boundaries for your family members that you want to be mindful of and make consequences when they ignore said boundaries. Then establish your boundaries organically as situations arise and uphold your boundaries with consequences and clear communication “I don’t like when you do X around me, because of Y. If you do X again, the consequences will be Z”. An example is that you are not going to family events where your sister will be, and take charge in organizing your own version of a family holidays with family members and friends you do want to be around on another day when everyone is free. If your sister shows up or if your family fails to tell you your sister will be at an event, tell them they have cross a line and the consequences are you are leaving immediately and not going to the next family event until they can be honest and respectful of your boundaries.
NTA, your parents are terribly neglectful of you both. They should have put your sister in intensive therapy to deal with no longer being the only child after experiencing the loss of your brother and the previous miscarriage. How tf did they just let this go on for 16 YEARS???? You should demand family therapy now. Start making a constant stink about this, don’t let up. Tell them every single day how they have let you down, let your sister abuse you, condoned her abuse of you, etc. Make a huge fuss about every single thing that bothers you until they have to address it. Tell your school counselor what you are and have been going through. Don’t let them continue to act like this is not an issue.
NTA Go stay with your grandparents
Get into counseling
I recommend family counseling
Your parents are absolutely pathetic scum.
They did this.
NTA. It sounds like nobody in your intermediate family is willing to talk, so I would suggest trying to get answers from other family members and see what happens. Also, I’d like to offer an alternative suggestion on how to interact with your sister and parents. Next time she comes over, completely ignore her back and give your parents the same treatment. She comes for dinner – refuse to join. Recluse off into your room or other parts of the house. If your mom wants to lecture you about mature behavior, take a page out of your sister’s playbook and refuse to respond to her. It might not take away the hurt they all cause you, but at least you’re not letting them in the front door of your heart to make it easier to damage it. It’s pretty bad that your parents are so callously inconsiderate that they see nothing wrong with leaving you out in the cold, so I don’t think you would be wrong to emotionally protect yourself and do it back to them.
Updateme
NTA. Your whole family sucks, OP. And at this point, they’re not likely to change. I suggest treating Addy how she treats you – completely ignore her presence. And I would start gray rocking your parents — only give basic answers to their questions, don’t given them any information about your life unless it has to do with your health or if something is required for school. If they call you out on this behavior, tell them you’re just following their example that ignoring people is how your family interacts with each other. If they argue, ask them to provide a single example of how that isn’t true.
In the meantime, start thinking about your exit plan once you turn 18 – college/trade school, job, moving out, etc. If you can get a job now to start saving up, even better.
I also wouldn’t hold your breath about getting an invite to the wedding, so you might want to prepare yourself emotionally for that, too.
NTA – Obviously ignore her just as much. But it would KILL me not knowing why. I would totally corner her in front of the parents and literally ask her what her problem has been over the years and swear you will forget her if she’d only tell you why.
Your parents are awful, you need to know this.
NAH
The fact that your parents LET this happen is wild. And it’s one thing to let the sister do it but letting the fiancé do too is even wilder. That is disrespectful and emotionally negectful. How would they feel if you did to them what they let her do to you?
NTA. You are being abused in your own home. Neglect is abusive!
Talk to a school counselor about what is going on at home. Ask for therapy to develop healthy coping skills.
Um. Sounds like you just need to realize that your sister is a Grade A C-U-Next-Tuesday and always will be. Whatever her trauma, it’s not okay to take it out on you. She was the squeaky wheel catered to and still is.
Abby doesn’t live with you so it’s not her home. Demand your parents meet her elsewhere so you can at least have peace. You accept this behavior from your parents and you need to realize it’s okay to throw a fit about this. Be the squeaky wheel instead of falling into compliance. Make them all as uncomfortable as you are. And tell them they are shit parents who should have put her in therapy instead of accepting her making you an outcast in your own family. Make a joke about her needing therapy loud enough for her to hear every time she is around family with you. Get noticed and spotlight the issue.
Fuck it, get your parents to post here so I can verbally rip them apart. I hate shitty parents.
Learn to flip tables.