I (17m) was 2 when my mom married my stepdad and my stepsister (24f) was 9 at the time. My mom adores my stepsister and as long as I can remember she’s always said she had two kids and my stepdad claims he has two as well. My stepsister never called mom her mom or parent though. Like she’d always bring up that she had a dad to ask and I know she used to say she had a parent not parents. My mom and stepdad were kinda oblivious to that. Or they imagined she’d grow to feel differently over time I’m not really sure.
She moved out when she was 19 and we don’t see her much. My mom sends care packages and calls and texts and invites her over. But we don’t see her really. She had a baby 7 months ago and my stepdad has met his grandchild. But funny coincidences keep happening and she’s only ever free when mom’s busy or has plans and when I’m not around, though I really don’t care.
My mom and stepdad have tried super hard to find a time for mom (and me) to meet and spend time with my stepsister and the baby. But it has never been the right time. Like ever. She always has reasons she can’t facetime mom too but she can do it when my stepdad asks her when he’s on his own. There were times she invited my stepdad over but of course mom was at work and same thing when she could randomly stop by was when he’d be home alone. He’s seen the baby multiple times now. Yet she’s always busy every single time they try to make actual plans.
There was even a time she asked my stepdad to get diapers for the baby and told him they could have lunch together. He couldn’t but mom did it instead because she was free and she thought she’d get a few minutes to see her in the flesh. But when she went to drop them off my stepsister had to run somewhere and she told mom to drop them by the door.
I’m aware of everything enough to know that she can probably keep this up for years and that there will likely always be excuses made. I don’t think we’ll ever meet her baby. And if we do she won’t be a baby anymore. Maybe a middle schooler or something.
The other night my parents were brainstorming ideas for everyone to get together. They asked me if I could take a weekend off of work to make it happen and I said I really wanted to keep working and saving. My stepdad told me that’s a weekend my stepsister is free and we could all spend time together and meet the baby. I told him the second we all do that she’s going to suddenly not be available and I think that should be so obvious right now. They told me that was very pessimistic. I asked how she is always so conveniently free when he’s alone and why her plans seem to change on the regular when it comes to all of us being free to meet the baby. They said life’s busy when you have a newborn. I brought up facetime and they said sometimes you’re just not able to do that. Mom asked me what I was saying and I told her we’ll never meet that baby and that it’s kind of clear to me given everything.
They looked so hurt and I told them if my stepdad said he was free on x day and we were busy she would be available super fast. Then he admitted he did have plans with my stepsister when mom’s going to be out of town.
My parents still didn’t see it and they were pretty annoyed that I had the view I do. I don’t think it’s wrong but maybe it’s not my business to really say stuff like this. AITA?
Comments
NTA.You called out a painful truth they’re avoiding, your stepsister’s clearly setting boundaries, and your parents are in denial.
NTA. You were honest with them and they were/are in denial. You did nothing wrong.
Nta but where’s her mom? Even if mom’s out of the picture at 9 there was probably tension and anger towards your mom for marrying her dad. They probably tried to push the two of you as siblings and most 9 year old dont want that even if it was her own parents kid. They are pushing the family thing. Or your mom could’ve been the breaking point of her marriage. My parent divorced when I was around that age and my mom used to push my dad away when she was seeing someone steady so she could play single struggling mom. My brother still blames my dad for not being there when that was moms fault
NTA, you just said what everyone’s thinking but too scared to admit, your sister’s been dodging your mom foryears and now that she has a baby, she’s doubling down. This ain’t about “life being busy, she’s picking who gets access, and your mom ain’t on that list
For me it’s that they wanted you to take time off from work to meet when you knew it was a waste of time. I’d compromise and say after the first time she meets your mom, you’ll be happy to change your plans.
NTA. Your parents are refusing to see a clear truth probably because it’s painful to admit it.
NTA because let’s face it, it’s true.
NTA. I’d say, put that theory to the test. Make arrangements for your stepfather to meet up with hus daughter and kid at home when you and your mother are supposedly otherwise occupied. Then, you have at least two options. #1: At the last moment, spring it on her that you and your mother will actually be home, fortunately! You’ll probably be proven right that she’ll back pedal.
#2: Make being home for the two of you a big surprise. See how she reacts.I’d also suggest you ask your stepfather to inquire why she doesn’t want you two to meet her kid.
EDIT: u/Lumpy_Marsupial_1559 is right. My second suggestion could have major consequences. Please tread lightly, OP! If only for your mother’s sake, as well as your stepfather’s.
NTA-but say you’re gonna take the time off and see if she cancels, so they get your point.
What happened to her real mom is the question. She has mommy issues.
NTA. Stepdad needs to grow a pair and bluntly ask his daughter if she’s purposely cutting you and your mom out of baby’s life. If she is, say it up front and stop the machinations. It has to be exhausting on both sides. Better to face a hurtful truth head-on than to keep dragging it out.
Hard NTA. Sometimes you need someone to just say it bluntly. Your stepsister clearly wants low contact with your mom, maybe even none. The baby just highlighted it more. The fact your stepdad has secret solo visits proves you’re right. You didn’t even say it cruelly.
NTA. Denial can last a long time. Hopefully it’s not forever in this case. But it’s usually something people have to figure out for themselves. I’m think it’s actually perfect that you laid it out. I think now you should agree to try to take the time off so they can go ahead and schedule it and just wait for her to change her mind so they can see that it’s not a pessimistic view, it’s a realistic view.
They don’t want to hear the truth.
NTA. You have an opinion and expressed it. Ask them to test your step-sister. Don’t take time off but tell her you are all free this weekend. When she backs out, maybe they will start to see the truth.
NTA. You told them the truth. The truth hurts, but your stepsister’s lies hurt more. They refuse to see it
NTA. Your mom and step-dad are the King and Queen of Denial. You may have to make them a PowerPoint presentation for them to understand. Don’t forget the pie charts and vin diagrams.
Have step dad say he’s free and wants to FaceTime. When he’s a minute or 2 into the session, have mom pop into the screen and say “hi”. I bet she makes up an excuse to end the call real fast
NTA
Truth hurts. Your stepsister just doesn’t want you or your mom to meet the baby, period
NTA but I would pretend to take the weekend off and then watch it all slip away at the last second and then go to work.
NTA. If your mom wants to see the baby, your step-dad should say he can come without your mom, and surprise, mom’s plans changed and she was able to come after all.
The reaction they get in real time, in the flesh, from stepsister, will be all they need.
NTA and they should stop denying it to themselves
NTA
You’re very clearly not wrong in your observations.
Stepsister is allowed to set whatever boundaries she wishes around herself and her child.
This is entirely on your parents for sticking their heads in the sand.