Me and my partner finally bought our first house and honestly I’m so proud of it but my parents are driving me insane. Every time they come over it’s the same thing. Paint this wall or move that couch and this room would look better if like hello?? I tried being polite I tried smiling through it but it’s gotten ridiculous. They act like their opinions are the final word and if we don’t listen then we are wrong. I finally snapped and told them to back off and let us do it our way. Now they are sulking and calling me ungrateful because apparently rejecting their help is a crime. They had their turn with their house and this one is ours like I shouldn’t feel like a guest in my own place. So yeah maybe I was blunt but seriously AITAH for wanting to decorate my own home?
AITA for telling my parents to back off with decorating our place?
r/AITAH
Comments
NTA, and your points are correct. They have their own house to decorate, and you have yours.
NTA, you need time to live in it to know what feels “right” to you. Put your couch wherever you want.
They weren’t offering help they were giving opinions. Opinions you didn’t ask for. Let them sulk.
NTA. You’re not ungrateful You’re setting boundaries in your own home, and that’s completely reasonable. Your parents may mean well, but there’s a difference between offering suggestions and steamrolling your vision. You’ve tried being polite, you’ve smiled through it, and they kept pushing. Eventually, anyone would snap.
This is your first home. You deserve the joy of making it yours not feeling like you’re living in someone else’s curated showroom. Decorating is personal, and it’s part of building a life with your partner. If your parents feel hurt, that’s unfortunate, but it doesn’t make you wrong. It makes you human.
They had their turn. Now it’s yours. You’re not rejecting their help you’re asking for space. That’s not a crime. That’s adulthood.
If they come around, great. If not, you still get to enjoy a home that reflects you. And that’s worth standing up for.
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Don’t let them manipulate you with this ungrateful crap. That’s just a way for you to accept what they say. They had their chance and it’s your time. Everyone has different tastes. Draw these boundaries now or it will not end
Is your mother mine?
At our old (first) house, we were painting a long wall connecting the dining and living rooms. She opened the paint can, she immediately hisses “That’s WAY too dark!” and proceeded to poor in white paint (still open from the ceiling) before I could stop her.
Too dark for HER, not for ME. I chose it. I bought it. My house.
I feel your pain, OP. Make your own choices. And if you gave them a key? Take it away. NOW. Before they can come in and make changes while you’re not there. (Ask me how I know.)
NTA – it is your house and your choices. Having said that, every time that I visit them, I would get revenge. Mom & dad, I know that you have had this color for 10/20 years, but don’t you think that this one would look better? You really need to go to a furniture store, because that sofa is so out of date. When they get upset, let them know that rejecting your help is a crime.
NTA
Smiling through it takes so much patience! Maybe try some gaslighting! “But Mother dear, I did just what you told me to do 3 weeks ago, don’t you remember??” Have fun with it. Make subtle remarks about aging and memory issues.
Do the opposite of what they suggest or start giving them suggestions about their house. Ignore them
Nta but I’d distract them in another way so they can feel they’re “helping”.
I did this with my dad when I got our first home, his mission was find a new shed that was green, hardy in weather elements, had two windows, and sturdy shelf for a certain amount of money. Kept him quiet and he found one at a good price. With my MIL she helped me paint the spare room at the time.
NTA Let them soak comma that will give you some peace and quiet for a while. If they demand an apology, simply tell them that after multiple attempts to get them to back off, they pushed you to your limit and while your reaction may have been over-the-top, it’s not something you’re willing to apologize for. That both you and your partner are adults, and if and when you want their opinion, you will ask for it. Set that boundary now or it’s gonna be hell when you have kids.
So fake. They’re calling OP u grateful because they are not jumping on parents suggestions? Haha, next all the relatives will be “blowing up their phones”.
Just wait til you have kids, if you’re planning on it.
My mom did this a lot with my house and still tries to add her “opinions” on what we should do with our yard. I reply “Wow, you’re in a rush to spent my money today, aren’t you?” and it got her to back off a bit. Like sure you can suggest a paint color but if I want to decorate a certain way sorry it’s not your vision.
Crap, getting a rash of these. You already know the answer.
NTA. Parents of first time home buyers are a true pain. (I’m a realtor.) It’s your house, not theirs, if their name is not on the deed. Even if they gifted you money for a down payment, it was an irrevocable gift, not a loan nor a vested interest in the property.
Just respond with, “I like the wall the color it is,” or “I like the couch there.”
NTA even though you could’ve said it in a kinder way
NTA. Start doing the same thing when you visit their house, maybe they’ll see how annoying it is!
There’s probably middle ground between politely smiling and snapping at your parents, but I’m guessing this type of behavior from them isn’t new.
NTA but in the future work on being firm from the start. “I appreciate that if this was your home you’d decorate differently, but we are finding our style and are happy with our progress. Please don’t be critical of our choices.” You can still say this to them if you want to smooth things over. If not, let them have their tantrum and take a break from them for a bit. Honestly, they sound like they’re having trouble accepting that you’re an adult and not a child.
NTA, Bill them for their opinions so you can do it and overprice it since its a hassle.
They’re being disrespectful and immature. If they’re giving you silent treatment (sulking), you get to decide you prefer silence over bullying and manipulation. They need to acknowledge they were wrong and behaved inappropriately and they need to apologise, as a condition for resuming the relationship. They can’t come over until they prove they can behave properly.
If you let them get away with this one, they’ll learn manipulation works and it will get so much worse. Especially if you’re planning on having kids, they need to learn their place asap.
Ugh, you just triggered a whole slew of memories about my ex’s mother. Would come over uninvited, try to tell me what to do, rearrange decor, etc. it was a constant fight and honestly contributed to me leaving her son. NTA, stand your ground.
NTA. Unsolicited opinions are NOT advice. Go to their house, do the same thing, and see if they like it.
NTA although I think they meant well. They clearly weren’t thinking. You will always be children in their eyes even though you’re full grown adults with jobs and bills and responsibilities.
Decorate to your own tastes and if they say something disparaging it’s only because they didn’t get their own way.
NTA. If they wanted to offer “help” then they could have offered to buy some stuff you picked out or help pay for a contractor you hired. They’re just giving their opinions as fact and acting like you’re a jerk for not decorating your house according to their tastes. This is YOUR home. If they love decorating, tell them to redecorate their own home or get a Pinterest account.
I feel like you probably shouldn’t have let it get to the point where you blew up bc you were so frustrated, but it happens. If this continues to be an issue you could say something like “I’m sorry I blew up. I should have said something sooner. However, my point still stands and I will not be talking about decorating with you. I need you to respect me and my home and that doesn’t involve offering unsolicited opinions”. I would not frame it as “help” bc it isn’t. Basically what they are saying is that you two are so clueless that they consider their opinions to be helpful bc obviously y’all don’t know what the hell you’re doing. It’s insulting, overbearing and annoying. Honestly, it might be good to have a convo at a later time when things have cooled off about how this made you feel and setting some boundaries going forward. Just think, if they’re this insistent and overbearing about the location of a couch and paint colors, what are they going to be like if y’all have children? Just seems like something you need to address sooner rather than later, especially if they’ve been this way about other things in the past
NTA. your house, your rules. they overstep.
NTA it is always amazing how few people know how to apologize and make amends when they are presented with boundaries. The correct response from your parents should have been “I am sorry to have tried to take over your home decor planning. In future I will simply admire what you’ve done and only offer a suggestion if asked. Your home is shaping up nicely.”
But no, it seems like people are incapable of accepting a boundary and need to toxicly fight back saying how they were only trying to help, or you took it the wrong way or some other nonsense. When will people learn???
Nta. And stop having them over so often. If they ask why, tell them.
NTA. Depending on your relationship with your parents you can say either “When I want advice, I ask for it,” or if you are past the warning across the bow stage “Mom, opinions are like buttholes -we all have them, they all stink.” Vary the wording to your taste.
They don’t pay your bills, they don’t get a say. You and your partner are on the deed and the mortgage, not your parents. And it is hard to make that stick. It took me ten years to get my beloved grandfather to understand that. It never got through to my grandmother. My parents, observing this, were obligingly free of unwanted advice.
NTA. Your house your rules right.
Let your parents know that they aren’t welcome at your house until they learn to keep their opinions to themselves. NTA!
NTA. Tell your parents that you have looked forward to decorating your first home as a rite of passage, complete with all the many mistakes that will be part of that process.
It feels like your parents still treat you as a child, demanding you decorate your home how they want, and scolding you if you don’t. They wouldn’t walk into anyone else’s home and do this.
They need to remind themselves that you are a married adult, and if they don’t like how you decorate your own home, they should keep it to themselves.
NTA and it’s a good boundary to set. I get they’re happy and want to help but it’s your home.
When we bought our first home no one interjected. Now we’ve moved into our forever home I have asked advice from some older friends on decoration as it’s a new build and they have had them previously. Plus garden advice. But that’s it.
Set the boundary now and it’ll make it easier in the future.
NTA, Ask them WHY they are making suggestions then getting upset when you don’t agree and see what they say. Put the responsibility of them explaining their behavior on them, where it belongs by asking them questions. I think it would be much more fun if you flipped it on them by holding out your hand waiting for them to put money in it and saying to them that you are waiting for them to pay for the right to make decisions on a home they aren’t paying for or living in and if they want their opinions considered and are going to get upset that you are not doing as they suggest, they need to pay to have things their way. Follow up by asking them if they want you to come into their home and tell them how to decorate and arrange it, like they are trying to do with you. Ask them why don’t they just redecorate their home instead of trying to have a do over in your home and see what they say. Just keep asking them why they do and say what they do and say, ask them to explain their reasoning.
Your parents have their own house they can decorate, they could always redo your old bedroom since you don’t need it anymore. Nta.