My bio dad died when I was 7 weeks old in a hit and run. My mom got remarried when I was 2.5 and my adoptive dad adopted me six months later. My last name was changed to match theirs and my birth certificate has my mom and adoptive dad’s name on it now. At that point my mom only let me see my paternal family members once every other month and it was always a short visit. So when I was younger I wasn’t able to get too close to them but when I turned 10 I started to think more about my bio dad and his family and I felt more connected to them.
When I was 12 my adoptive dad was diagnosed with cancer when my mom was pregnant with their youngest. The day before my mom gave birth I heard my adoptive dad ask mom to promise she would not remarry until all the kids were grown and would never let his kids be adopted by another man. He told her he reflected on the situation with me and he would hate to have his connection with his kids severed in death and he told mom he didn’t want her to be unhappy but to let his kids stay his kids. He was crying. She was crying. Mom promised him over and over that she wouldn’t and he was the love of her life and she’d never disrespect or dishonor him like that.
I confronted mom about it after she gave birth and she told me that she loved my bio dad but she was with my adoptive dad longer and she’s more mature with a more mature love now and that’s harder to bounce back from. I did get her to give in and let me see my bio side more.
My adoptive dad got better and it never became a thing that happened. But he hated that I was spending more time with my bio side and I heard him and mom argue over it. He didn’t like the idea that I could end up close to that part of my family. And he didn’t like being invalidated as my dad.
I’m 17 now and this whole thing is something I’ve thought a lot about and I talked more about it with my dad’s family. They always hated that I wasn’t just raised by a mom and stepdad and get to still be their son/brother’s kid. Them and my mom became high conflict because they were against it all.
So a few weeks ago I told my mom and adoptive dad that they needed to change my last name back to my dad’s name and I said that was something I wanted done now while I’m still in high school and a minor so they’d be forced to pay for it. They were like wtf and no way and I got yelled at for telling them what to do. I said I looked into reversing the adoption but that’s not something we can do. But my name can be changed and since STEPDAD was so against mom remarrying or his kids being adopted and their names changing if he died it should be a no brainer that I can choose to fix the bad choice they made by doing that to my dad. I said they wouldn’t want to keep disrespecting and dishonoring him like that and I made the point that they promised each other it would not happen to their kids.
My adoptive dad was angry but mom told me I’d get what I want but it would come with the knowledge that I had done the must hurtful and aggressive thing and took a bad time and let it twist our family into something awful. She told me I should understand that it was an awful time and nobody wants to die before their babies remember them. I said like my real dad. It made her stop saying what she was going to say and a few days after she put the petition in for the name change. Since then they’ve both been really angry and mom told me I was manipulative and spiteful and she accused dad’s family of poisoning me.
AITA?
Comments
Absolutely NTA. I get adopting you, but changing your name and alienating you from your bio dad’s side of the family is insane. Your step dad knew what they were doing was wrong and would not want that to happen incase he died but doesn’t understand why you would feel the same? He’s hypocritical and so is your mum. I’m glad you’re reconnecting with your bio dad’s family and getting your name changed.
NTA. As a baby, they made crucial choices that changed the rest of your life, choices which you did not even have the opportunity to agree with. You are old enough to make decisions, and hence you are free to change your name. This does not make one evil, but self conscious
some bad things have happened. you can’t live well from a place of anger or hate though
people are not consistent, but they do often do their best, flawed as it may seem
it sounds like your stepdad loves you; that is worth quite a lot- it is a valuable thing to have
also seems like your parents made mistakes
find a way to reconcile this & see what you can do to balance & accept- I think this will be best for you here
not the ah. you just want to honor your bio dad and feel more connected to your roots. it’s your name and identity,your choice. your parents may be hurt, but that doesn’t make you wrong.
Your mom and STEP dad are selfish hypocrites.
NTA
not gonna lie, i think you’re just grieving in layers. it wasn’t just about a name… it’s about identity, connection, history. and you were a baby when your dad passed, so this was the only way to reclaim anything from him. i don’t think you’re an AH. you were clear, honest, and emotional. it’s not manipulation, it’s pain.
NTA – Your mom is mad because she knows you’re right, and she and her husband are massive hypocrites. Your bio dad’s family didn’t poison you. SHE and her husband are the ones that did the awful thing by trying to erase your dad from your life.
As for your stepdad, he’s a MASSIVE AH and hypocrite. It’s ok for him to basically erase YOUR dad but it’s not ok if anyone else does it to HIS kids?! He can take his anger and shove it up his ass!
Tell your parents to seek therapy to deal with the anger they’re experiencing simply because they can’t handle the consequences of their actions like adults instead of acting like manipulative assholes to guilt and bully you – a child!
You definitely brought the heat with that comeback. But maybe next time try a little less ‘family therapy’ and a bit more family comedy? I mean, who knew changing names could turn into such a soap opera. At least you’ll have some wild stories for Thanksgiving dinners.
NTA they maybe thought adopting back there was the best idea but they should have stay in touch with family of your bio dad. They literally did to you and your dad what your adoptive dad doesn’t want for his kids. Hypocrite
Absolutely, 100% NTA and both of your parents are raging douche canoes and hypocrites
I understand the adoption, but your step-dad begging your mom not to let another man raise his kids, and have them take on a new name is THE most selfish thing I have heard in a hot fucking minute
He did that to you! And then got pissy with you when you called him on it?
Absolutely not!
And your mom can kick rocks, suck eggs, and may her pillow be forever warm, her coffee just a bit too cold to be tasty, you know, that nasty, luke warm, room temperature shit?
You are NOT manipulative or spiteful, but she is.
Trying to guilt you into feeling bad for calling BOTH of their shitty behavior out?
I’m more upset with your mom than your step-dad here tbh.
Your step-dad had cancer. I get it. And he said hed learned from what he did with you. I believe that.
Him getting pissy when you called him out was shitty, but i see his side more than your moms.
She has no leg to stand on. She let your step dad do what he wanted with you, and then was going to let him demand his way with their kids, too.
And she had the audacity to play the victim when you “blew up her perfect family” image.
Your mom is AWFUL. Spiteful, and mean.
Why did they alienate you like that from his family? Wouldn’t they want you to be surrounded by all the love you can have? It’s very selfish and immature of them to just cut you off from them like that.
It’s very simply. ‘Just like you want your bio kids to have your name. I want my dad to have passed on his name to me. That doesn’t mean I don’t have love and respect for you in my life and I am blessed with how you’ve raised and loved me. But I don’t see why I can’t have my father’s name as well. The fact that you guys are making me a villain for this is absurd…’
both the mom and the step-dad are hypocrites
NTA, I’m extremely proud of you please remember they can’t be angry at you this is the consequences of their own actions. Her husband said that to her because he knew what his wife did and he didn’t want her to do the same to his kids. The manipulative one is your mother. Alienating you from your father’s family. She did you a great disservice and I would say be angry you both know you did wrong and I’m extremely disappointed in the lack of respect you have for my father. Your mother is the main problem here not you.
‘She told me I should understand that it was an awful time and nobody wants to die before their babies remember them. I said like my real dad.’
Well said.
NTA
We adopted a couple of kids. If when they turn 18, they wanna change their name, I will help them do it. Not because I don’t care about them, but because they are individuals who may well hold a candle for their bio family, regardless. I would rather trust them as individuals to make individual decisions than hold out on some artificial parenting arrangement.
As a father, the thought of my wife changing my kids’ last names to some other guys if I suddenly died breaks my heart and infuriates me.
I don’t know anything about your mom other than these paragraphs, but that’s pretty heartless and kind of evil. Women don’t think about these things the same way as men, but this is extreme. An incredible act of dishonour and disrespect to your father.
Your adoptive dad is a straight up hypocrite. Doesn’t want anyone else to adopt his kids and “replace” him if he dies, but he’s fine doing that with you and your bio dad? And the whole “don’t remarry until the kids are grown” part is just selfish and gross. The fact he’s resentful and angry about you getting close to your bio dad’s side of the family only further emphasizes that. NTA for sure.
Step daddy is soooo insecure about a dead man. Some people are weak.
Sounds like step dad’s hypocrisy is catching up with him.
Your stepdad sounds like he suffers from toxic masculinity…
He’s like those lions, that kill the cubs from previous leaders of the pride, and have just his genes passed on.
Of course, humans can’t get rid of children, so he’s made a point to erase your dad, as much as possible.
He didn’t want to raise another man’s child, so he just made sure to make you ‘his’.
Of course you were going to rebel, at some point.
It’s not disrespect. It’s you not being OK with being used as his ego booster.
There’s ways forward, with everyone, but your parents are going to have to respect you actually having thoughts and feelings on the matter.
You are not your stepdad’s emotional support animal.
NTA. You should say to your mum “actually it was stepdad who made me think about this so much. He was so upset and horrified at the idea of his children growing up thinking another man was their dad. It made me think how hurt my dad woukd have felt that he was removed from my life. I’m not sure why you’re so angry about this. You weren’t angry when stepdad was begging you not to do to his kids what you did to me.”
NTA he’s a hypocrite.
She is the one who stole your heritage and family tree
Nta
It’s really sad that your parents (your mom and adoptive dad) are unable to see the terrible harm they did with that conversation years ago. But jury acknowledged a truth that they are now trying to pretend is reasonable.
You are not being manipulative. You are being completely fair. They can’t see it. They may never see it.
UpdateMe!
NTA.
I don’t get the adoption thing, it’s so bizarre.
Was custody of you a concern should your mom pass?
definitely not the asshole here this isn’t about anger or revenge, it’s about reclaiming something that was taken from you before you had a sayy, your adoptive father understood what it would mean to lose that connection, yet somehow doesn’t see why you’d feel the same way about your biological dad
that’s incredibly one sided choosing to carry your real dad’s last name is about honoring your roots, not disrespecting anyone, you’re not being cruel, you’re finally standing up for your own identity
NTA. What are your plans when you 17? You can do an adult adoption with someone in your dad’s family too.
Not way you are NTA.
I’m part of a blended family and none of the kids would ever be forcefully adopted or have their names changed without their express permission and request. Everyone knows their family heritage and is encouraged to maintain familial ties.
It sounds horrific to me that a child would be forcibly cut off from their biological family for no reason other than the parent with custody wants to play happy families and pretend the past didn’t happen.
NTA, they are trying to minulpate you when you are standing for your choice. Your stepfathers feelings will never change the genetics. You are 50 percent your father.
It is horrible they kept you from your fathers family. Your stepfather is a selfish insecure boy. It all about how he feels. Not what was best for you.
You are absolutely 100% the AH
NTA – your stepdad is pretty awful
Enormous NTA
NTA
Their actions don’t match their logic and words so I think you’re very reasonable in calling out hypocrisy. I have ever so slight understanding of your mother here but she is definitely on the wrong side with how she’s been acting towards you about this.
Be prepared though, if you have a college fund or anything of the sort, I am expecting they will withhold it from you because you are, “not part of the family anymore”. So plan for that.
NTA
As soon as you fucking heard what he said about not wanting his own kids adopted I would have raised hell in that household. They are awful people and parents.
NTA
They are the ones who are being manipulative, especially after that conversation happened because of what they did to you. It truly is shameful that birth certificates can be changed with adoption by a stepparent. And no, you are not the selfish person in all of this. That would be your stepfather, who knows the damage he’s done and refused to back down even after he asked the same not be done to his bio children. Your mother is also a selfish person, making her happiness at your expense all these years. Worthless, both of them.
Updateme
Wow. This is tough. I think your mom is upset because she agrees with you and she knows this divides her and your stepdad. This is a division. She caused an issue and she has to deal with it. That’s why she is blaming you, it’s easier.
Have your siblings said anything to you? How do you feel about them? Just curious.
UpdateMe
NTA – But your mum is seeing your point here and doing right by you.
Ask if you can go out to lunch with just her and talk it all through calmly
The adoptive dad and OP’s mom are the assholes in this. Do what makes you happy and if that’s reclaiming your bio dad’s last name and keeping contact with your bio paternal side of the family, then so be it. You’re not manipulative, you’re not spiteful, you’re not acting out of hate. You’re simply rewriting what they made it. You couldn’t make the decisions for yourself back then, but you can know. Let your parents know that you’re able to work things through, but if they try to prevent you from doing what you want to do. Then they should be prepared to be cut off from your life. Their feelings might be hurt, but that’s the repercussions of their own actions. Nontheless NTA.
NTA. I told my wife that if I die before her and she was so inclined, I would be completely OK with her finding someone and moving on. But that if she remarried and changed my boys’ last names, I would find a way to come back and haunt her.
There is nothing wrong with moving on. But trying to erase someone so important as a parent is a shitty thing to do.