This is a first time for me. So excuse me if this is all over.
So I 36 male got into some trouble fifteen years ago. I take all the responsibility for this and even to this day I carry all the shame, guilt and embarrassment for it.
The situation when I was 19 my ID was stolen and being used in another state and created a situation where my driver’s license was suspended. Somehow any and all notifications from the other state never made it to me. I started doing all the necessary things I needed to do to try and fix the problem. I however had a couple of tickets that I needed to pay but couldn’t because I needed to pay my rent and keep my apartment. I was hoping that a couple more freelance jobs and I would be able to finally pay the tickets. This was never the case and the long story short of it I was arrested and spend two weeks in jail. Not ideal but I guess in the long run it worked out for the best. However my family felt other wise and I was completely disowned because of this. I lost everything and everyone. The only reason I still had my apartment was because I had enough to cover the rent and the freelance work kept up. It took another six months, but I was finally able to get the other state to release my driver’s license. I decided that since my family hated me I didn’t need them. I changed my last name, phone number and email. My social media is locked down so tight you would think I was hiding national security secrets. I was able to finish school and get settled into my career and at this point I’m happier than I have ever been.
Enter current time. There was a knock on my door the other day and it was my mom and dad. Again it had been15 years and I hadn’t spoken to them not one word. The only thing I could get out of my mouth was. “How did you find me and what are you doing here?”
My mom’s response was “5,000 to a PI. Finally a search of Facebook with just your first name found you and the PI confirmed it was you.”
I responded. “You didn’t answer my second question. What are you doing here?”
My mom again. “It’s been 15 years. Looking at where you are it seems you have learned your lesson and you are succeeding. You’ve missed out on a lot of things.”
I ended with. “Yes I have learned my lesson. One of them is don’t think anyone will ever help you or be understanding. Even your family. And yes. I did succeed. And I did it entirely without you. Please leave and don’t ever come back.”
I did so some research. And I have missed out on a lot. I have nieces and nephews, brothers and sisters in laws. But the truth is. I don’t know any of them and I don’t think I need to. I live a very quiet life. I can count on two hand how many friends I actually have. A friend said I may have taken it too far. That I should have given them a chance and if I didn’t like what they had to say then I could have told them to go away.
So AITA for telling my parents to leave and never come back?
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This is a first time for me. So excuse me if this is all over.
So I 36 male got into some trouble fifteen years ago. I take all the responsibility for this and even to this day I carry all the shame, guilt and embarrassment for it.
The situation when I was 19 my ID was stolen and being used in another state and created a situation where my driver’s license was suspended. Somehow any and all notifications from the other state never made it to me. I started doing all the necessary things I needed to do to try and fix the problem. I however had a couple of tickets that I needed to pay but couldn’t because I needed to pay my rent and keep my apartment. I was hoping that a couple more freelance jobs and I would be able to finally pay the tickets. This was never the case and the long story short of it I was arrested and spend two weeks in jail. Not ideal but I guess in the long run it worked out for the best. However my family felt other wise and I was completely disowned because of this. I lost everything and everyone. The only reason I still had my apartment was because I had enough to cover the rent and the freelance work kept up. It took another six months, but I was finally able to get the other state to release my driver’s license. I decided that since my family hated me I didn’t need them. I changed my last name, phone number and email. My social media is locked down so tight you would think I was hiding national security secrets. I was able to finish school and get settled into my career and at this point I’m happier than I have ever been.
Enter current time. There was a knock on my door the other day and it was my mom and dad. Again it had been15 years and I hadn’t spoken to them not one word. The only thing I could get out of my mouth was. “How did you find me and what are you doing here?”
My mom’s response was “5,000 to a PI. Finally a search of Facebook with just your first name found you and the PI confirmed it was you.”
I responded. “You didn’t answer my second question. What are you doing here?”
My mom again. “It’s been 15 years. Looking at where you are it seems you have learned your lesson and you are succeeding. You’ve missed out on a lot of things.”
I ended with. “Yes I have learned my lesson. One of them is don’t think anyone will ever help you or be understanding. Even your family. And yes. I did succeed. And I did it entirely without you. Please leave and don’t ever come back.”
I did so some research. And I have missed out on a lot. I have nieces and nephews, brothers and sisters in laws. But the truth is. I don’t know any of them and I don’t think I need to. I live a very quiet life. I can count on two hand how many friends I actually have. A friend said I may have taken it too far. That I should have given them a chance and if I didn’t like what they had to say then I could have told them to go away.
So AITA for telling my parents to leave and never come back?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Fifteen years ago I got in some legal trouble and my family disowned me for it. In those years I have completely rebuilt my life and am better than ever and now my family is reaching out to me. I don’t need them and told them to go away and never come back. I also told them that I don’t need them and will never need them.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
>Looking at where you are it seems you have learned your lesson and you are succeeding.
If this is actually what was said, NTA. This is a very smug and condescending comment. You don’t owe them anything after they wrote you off so easily. If you don’t want or miss having family in your life, then carry on.
NTA. I assume you left for a reason. That reason is still valid 15 days or 15 years later.
NTA. They ditched you when you needed them most, and now they wanna pop back in like nothing happened? Jog on. You built your life without them, why should they get a front-row seat now?
My cynical me would think they were returning because they need money. Your response was fair. If you ever wanna give ’em a chance, that’s your call, but right now? They can do one.
NTA. They abandoned you when you needed them most, and now they want back in after 15 years like nothing happened? You owe them nothing. If cutting them out brings you peace, then that’s the right choice.
NTA…You learned a lesson, they obviously DID NOT. They don’t deserve a relationship with you. If you are happy and fulfilled as you are, why waste time on people who can’t even apologize.
Okay, I’m actually really torn on this one. Yes, your parents abandoned you, but your siblings likely had little to no choice in the matter, and that goes doubly for their spouses and their children. Additionally, you know they spent 5k just to find you, so they are invested in reconnecting.
That said, your parents sound like judgmental AHs. It sounds like if they’d spent all that money and found you in a place they didn’t like that they would have simply never approached you as they did, and that makes them real AHs.
So, having little information about your siblings, their spouses and their children, denying any contact to them? I feel that’s going too far, as your friend said. You don’t know if you want/need your siblings or their kids in their life? Find out before you decide. You can cut your parents out of your life quite quickly again while judging your siblings and their families on an individual basis.
YTA mostly to yourself for punishing everyone you are related to by blood just for the actions of your parents. You owe it to yourself to at least find out.
Again, that said, keep your parents on a short leash. Make it clear that they are not forgiven yet, because you clearly haven’t. Any contact with them is on a provisional basis because they haven’t given you any reason to trust them yet.
NTA, your parents are something else. I’m guessing you’ll find out eventually that they went through all this money and trouble to get you to support them in some way that your siblings can’t.
NTA, they made their decision to disown you for something that was not your fault. You are entirely right to never talk to them again.
That’s quite the imagination you have there.
Do what makes you happy. Maybe reach out to your siblings to start with and see how things go. Also, parents make mistakes, sometimes big ones. They probably realize that they went too far and want to make amends. I’m sure they miss and worry about you. They’re just not very good with words. You decide; do what’s best for you. nta
NTA. Your friend is out of line saying that to you. No-contact situations can be hard for some to understand but they are already painful enough without people making you second guess yourself and adding to the stress it puts you under.
You have to do what feels right for you. It seems clear from what you have written that this is the best for you. It can be complicated to cut out someone from your life, especially family. But so long as you stay true to yourself you should trust your own compass.
NTA
So you have learned your lessons:
* What you did back then was not a big thing, just bad luck.
* But the important part is: you can not trust your parents. and you are better off without these AH in your life.
NTA. It sounds like your “trouble” was just bad luck and not something of your own doing. For your parents to shit on you in those circumstances is particularly mean spirited. Unless you are leaving out some important details, I see no lesson for you to learn here other than your family is primarily concerned with the impact of your jail time on their reputation.
How old are your siblings? Why haven’t you been in contact with them in the last 15 years?
I get that you don’t want your parents in your live, but are your siblings at fault in any way?
Live gets lonely when you get old. Maybe it’s time to start opening up to your siblings?
NTA. The only question I have is about your siblings. Did they understand what was actually going on? Is it possible to have a relationship with them (if you want one)?
NTA. One consolation is that the cost for them to have the door shut in their face was $5k.
And it didn’t take much for the Pi to find him on Facebook. There are legal records of name changes that are public record. They could have searched for that. They could done anything at any time. It’s not hard to find people, you just need to look. I did collections out of college and skip tracing was the easiest part. Just have to give a little effort. Ya know, the kind of effort you’d hope your sibling would expend to find you if your parents kicked you out of something minor.
Did they leave and never come back though?
Edit: NTA
Sounds like someone needs a kidney.
NTA.
It’s really telling that the first thing they said to you wasn’t about love or missing you or even an apology for being absolute shit parents, but that you’d done well for yourself. That tells me a few things; they’re not sorry, love has nothing to do with them making contact and either money or their ego or both are involved. They need or want something from you, maybe thanks for their actions making you who you are or money to prove you understand how important they are. This is typical narcissistic behavior and the truth is, whatever they want or need is irrelevant. You don’t owe them the time of day, much less any of your time. I think you were absolutely right to keep them in your past. What you are now is 100% down to your strength of character and hard work. Be proud that you flourished despite them and leave them far behind, where they belong. NTA.