I’m (25f) getting married and my sister (31f) was supposed to be one of my bridesmaids. She’s 7 months pregnant and I don’t think she can handle it. She’s dripping sweat and flushed if it’s a little hot or if she does anything a little active. She gets exhausted easily. She looks uncomfortable standing or walking. I love her and I wanted her as a bridesmaid but I don’t want to have to worry about her.
I spoke to her and I told her I don’t think she can physically handle being my bridesmaid. Even though she was dripping and out-of-breath from our little walk, she told she can handle it. She accused me of treating her unfairly just because she’s pregnant. I held firm and told her she can’t be a bridesmaid. Am I the asshole ?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I’m (25f) getting married and my sister (31f) was supposed to be one of my bridesmaids. She’s 7 months pregnant and I don’t think she can handle it. She’s dripping sweat and flushed if it’s a little hot or if she does anything a little active. She gets exhausted easily. She looks uncomfortable standing or walking. I love her and I wanted her as a bridesmaid but I don’t want to have to worry about her.
I spoke to her and I told her I don’t think she can physically handle being my bridesmaid. Even though she was dripping and out-of-breath from our little walk, she told she can handle it. She accused me of treating her unfairly just because she’s pregnant. I held firm and told her she can’t be a bridesmaid. Am I the asshole ?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took that should be judged is telling my pregnant sister that I don’t think she can physically handle being my bridesmaid on my wedding day.
The action might have made me the asshole because my sister accused me of treating her unfairly just because she’s pregnant.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
When are you getting married and how much has she invited, in time and money, into being a bridesmaid?
YTA. It’s your sister. How much work does it really take to be your bridesmaid? Are they required to perform manual labor for you all day? I’m sure a pregnant woman can stand through the ceremony and if not, hey, let her sit. Because again- it’s your sister.
What physical activity are you expecting of your bridesmaids? 20 foot walk…..she’ll manage yta
YTA. You just don’t want a sweaty fat bridesmaid who’ll pull focus from you. Don’t try to put it in her unless she specifically told you she can’t handle it.
Nta but you should have been more kind with your language
YTA, most definitely. All she needs to do is show up and stand or sit next to you if necessary.
That’s of course in the case in which you want her there because she’s important to you and not for some made up tradition to make you feel like the most important person in the universe.
Wow, you’re a giant AH. Enough said.
YTA- let her decide what she can and can’t handle. I was a bridesmaid in a wedding 3 weeks before my due date and it was fine. It seems like something is missing from your story that you’re so eager to kick her out of your wedding party.
Yta. You aren’t worried about your sister. You are worried about your aesthetic.
Nta I see both sides of this you are looking at it from her health perspective and thinking if she can’t handle it it will cause issues on your big day, she’s hormonal and probably very aware it will be tough on her but it isn’t something she wants to miss out on and thinks she can push her way through it, maybe compromise and have a more in depth rehearsal and see if she still thinks she can manage if she walks and stands for how long the ceremony is supposed to be if she can allow her to still do it if she can’t hopefully she will realize on her own
YTA, you said you want her to be a bridesmaid. If you take her out, she’s not doing the work, so just let her only do the stuff she can from here on. Why take her out of your wedding? You can still have her there being a bridesmaid, just doing less.
I would tell her that you planned to have her be a bridesmaid, but understand if due to her pregnancy she is unable to. She can make a decision from there.
This is what I prefer as a woman with chronic illness that affects my ability to participate in some of life’s events.
When is the wedding? If it’s only a few days from now I’d say your the *soft* AH; let her do it if she insists she can handle it.
HOWEVER, if there’s still a weeks before the actual wedding, I am going to say you are NOT the asshole, and here is why: Regardless of whether or not she THINKS she can handle it… I would hate to have something go wrong while she’s at your wedding and her falling or getting hurt/hurting the baby. I would also be slightly concerned about your BIG day, one that’s supposed to be about YOU and your soon to be spouse, turning into a day about her and her baby IF it turns out to be way too much for her body, and she spontaneously goes into early labor at the wedding.
Regardless OP, this is YOUR wedding, and if you don’t feel comfortable having her be one of your bridesmaids, then you need to tell her that and put your foot down. Besides, I’m assuming she’s known about the wedding for a while now, probably before she even GOT pregnant. I mean, babies are amazing and that’s GREAT for her, but this is also YOUR day.
YTA, what you should have said was “how can I make sure you are comfortable and safe on the day?” All she’s got to do is stand there and look nice. All you had to do was make sure she has a chair nearby and maybe a change of shoes. But you dumped her. That’s pretty lousy of you.
Everyone is different. I was the matron of honor the day before my due date. I was fine and my friend knew I might not be there. We joked about me wearing depends too. I’m not saying YTA but she could have been fine.
What are you expecting your bridesmaids to do physically? Other than walk down the aisle…and if she’s tired, she can just walk down and sit in the front row.
Even if she weren’t a bridesmaid, presumably you’d be doing a lot of family pictures and stuff.
It’s great if you wanted to say that she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t feel up to, but it sounds like you are saying “don’t be a bridesmaid because you’ll look too flushed in pictures”.
YTA.
What are your expectations of her as a bridesmaid that are so physically demanding? Generally they walk down the aisle, stand there for a bit, then walk back.
What are you doing to accommodate her? Could she sit at the front instead of standing? Could the whole wedding party sit so she’s not singled out? Did you ask her what you could do, or just tell her that she’s out?
YTA she’s a human with autonomy it’s weird that you fired her, instead of asking what she wants to do
YTA. She knows her body better than you do. Your chief complaint is her being sweaty, which makes it a looks problem more than a health problem.
Of course you are. It’s just mean. Sorry if her bringing life into the world has a chance of distracting from YOUR BIG DAY. The day will be over soon. You’re relationship with your sister is until death do you part.
What I would suggest is leave your sister as a bridesmaid. Tell her that you understand she’s gonna be very pregnant and you only want her to do what she’s able to.
Set it up so that your bridesmaids and groomsmen are sitting down during the service .
Tell her all she needs to do is show up and walk down the aisle and take some photos with you and you’ll be happy . But of course, if she doesn’t feel up to it, you totally understand.
Expect nothing and be happy with whatever you might get .
YTA. What she’s capable of is up to her, not you.
YTA You’re the literal bride and you could accommodate the abilities of your guests and bridal party easily if you wanted to. If aesthetics and ease are more important than having her up there, be honest with everyone about that, including yourself. You could simply put her on the end and let her sit down during the ceremony!
NAH. Look – a lot of people are saying ‘its just a 20 foot walk, she can handle it’ but being a bridesmaid, even one you take the duties away is a super active day. You get up early, usually travel somewhere to to have and makeup, come back, get dressed, the whole room around you is super active with lots of girls getting ready, getting the bride ready, a ton going on and coordinating. Pre-wedding pictures is usually a lot of standing, for mine we did pre-weddig pics in a few locations – then you move to the before room. My wedding venue was big so even before the ceremony there was just a ton of moving around. A Catholic ceremony can be over an hour of standing, then the post-wedding photos are at least another hour of standing and moving around, usually some of it outside. Then the wedding party usually do a few dances at least. Being a bridesmaid is a super active day, both physically and mentally, I would have not been up for it when heavily pregnant. Its OK to offer someone an out if you’re worried about them.
YTA. Why not make accommodations for her? If she can’t stand for the ceremony, then….offer to get her a chair? You could get chairs for everyone in the wedding party chairs so she’s not singled out, or have them all sit in the front row of the audience. You can ask your photographer for ideas for group shots that include seated people. You have options here.
Are you planning some sort of obstacle course for your wedding?
Having her as a bridesmaid is ultimately your choice, clearly, BUT it’s not your place to decide whether or not she can handle it. YTA.
YTA deciding for her. I think you are just worried about the optics not being picture perfect.
YTA. She can act as an honorary bridesmaid. You have more bridesmaids – divide the work in a way she can handle what’s given to her. It’s really not that deep. Get over yourself and let her figure out her own boundaries.
I can understand the concern you have for her but if she thinks she can handle it, then YTA. let her do it. if she feels like she needs to sit down then it’s not the end of the world
YTA. Of course she’s out of breath and uncomfortable standing and walking; she’s 7 months pregnant.
I feel like there are some decent compromises/offers you could have provided, if you really wanted her to be in the party, before stripping her of the title.
A chair to sit down, a handheld fan and a water bottle on stand by if she gets too hot (which honestly, with the heat waves going everywhere, you should be offering them to everyone invited), blotting paper, etc.
My best friend bought paper fans from the dollar store for everyone invited to the wedding. Super cheap, extreme game changer. You might want one too.
I don’t know, actually try something?
If she couldn’t handle it, or didn’t want to, I feel like she would have told you. She obviously wants to support you, why is it not mutual?
If not, she’s an adult and can deal with the consequences of being stubborn. If she has an invited significant other, or your parents, keep an eye on her. No need to worry much.
That all being said makes me think this is more about the aesthetic and not actually caring about your sister.
She’ll be stationary for the most part as a bridesmaid, unless you’re demanding your party to do a whole dance routine.
She’ll be sitting for a few hours while she gets hair and makeup done. She’ll walk for 30 seconds down the aisle, stand for 20 minutes or so while the vows are done, then walk another 30 seconds after it’s done.
I don’t understand how she wouldn’t be able to handle it unless she is supposed to be bedridden.
ETA. Wait, the wedding is next week? At 7 months, she’ll most likely be fine for another week. Trust your sister to do what is best for her and come up with a solution if you actually want her there.. There are many.
I sure hope she didn’t buy her dress/shoes or contribute to her hair and makeup then. If she did, you should at least pay her back.
Is she even going to want to come to the wedding at this point? This would hurt me a lot. I would worry about your relationship with her.
I mean, I get it. Being a bridesmaid isn’t “walking 20 feet”. It’s being available early in the morning, walking around for pictures, being on your feet for an hour or so as you do the ceremony, pictures, etc (not getting to go to cocktail hour and relax)
Like, I released mine as soon as I could. But in weddings I was a BM, the bride kept us FOREVER on call for photos etc both before and after the ceremony. And I did keep mine right by me for pre-ceremony pictures, getting all those shots in takes time and it’s not on a single bridesmaid’s schedule. It’s on what allows the flow to go smoothest.
I don’t get the timeline here—when are you getting married? She’s already 7 months? So what, are you talking about removing her for a wedding tomorrow? Or is she going to be 9 months (in which case she should not leave her house)?
YTA. Imagine that your sister had always had physical limitations. In that situation, you surely would still ask her, right? Please just apologize and ask her back. When you think back on your wedding and look at the photos, all you’ll see is happy family and the bump that became a little person you love. I promise that you won’t a see sweaty red face, just love.
Yes! Yta. My friend is getting married next month and one of her bridesmaids will be 38 weeks on the day of the wedding. Your sister knows her body best. If she says she can handle it you should trust her. If she needs to rest she will tell you. Unless you are expecting her to do a jig down the aisle and dance all day and night I’m sure she will be fine. It’s good you are concerned but you should trust her.
Tell her you were worried about her but if she’s sure she can handle it you will be more than happy to have her as your bridesmaid
yeah, I’m sorry but YTA.
What are you expecting out of your bridesmaids for you insist she can’t physically handle it? Most ceremonies don’t require a gauntlet of physical activities.
You don’t seem to be requesting this for her sake. If you were, you may have suggested it, and when she said she still wanted to be a bridesmaid, you wouldn’t have refused.
You mentioned her “dripping sweat” and flushed twice- it kind of seems like you don’t like the idea of her being flushed and sweaty in pictures or something more than you being worried she would be tired or her feet would hurt from the pregnancy. If this is true, you should be honest with yourself and her and not use faux concern to put the blame on her for not being a bridesmaid.
INFO: When is your wedding?
It seems a convenient piece of information to leave out.
YTA
She can’t walk down the short aisle and then sit during the ceremony?
I had a bridesmaid that was 8.5 months pregnant at my wedding. I gave her the choice of remaining a bridesmaid, being an usher, or being a guest. I made sure she knew I wanted her a part of my day.
What I didn’t do was kick her to the curb.
YTA who cares if she’s a little flushed? It’s sad how brides today put perfect instagram photos ahead of their loved ones.
YTA. She’s your sister and I’m guessing either you knew she was pregnant when you asked her to be a bridesmaid or you’ve had plenty of time to think of a much kinder and mature way of addressing this with her. As many others have already said, all she has to do is walk the aisle. Have a seat open for her in the front row so she can sit at any point if she needs to. It’s apparent you’re not concerned about your sister’s well-being because your mentioned her sweating a lot but really gave no other logical reason why she can’t stand up for you for a few minutes. If it was really about her, you could make accomodations.
I can’t believe you’d risk damaging your relationship with your sister over this. How stupid
YTA. All you had to do was ensure she has a chair nearby and/or brainstorm some ideas on how things can be made a little easier for her. Maybe all she needs is a chair nearby or a mini portable fan and a sweat cloth that can be stashed in a purse. Unless she needs to be carried around in a gilded palanquin, it wouldn’t have been hard to find a solution.
You don’t say when the wedding is.
INFO: What are you expecting her to do, that couldn’t be easily handled by one of the other bridesmaids?
YTA. Sounds like you are more concerned about a sweaty bridesmaid than you are about your sister’s health. Let her make the call about what she can and cannot do.
Can you, like, offer her some wonderful alternative that won’t be as difficult? That way she knows you’re not rejecting her whoelesale/it feels less like she’s losing something if she agrees.
Yta. Give her a chair to sit in. Ppl accommodate their loved ones all the time
I feel like YTA because you’re trying to tell her how she should feel. Nobody should tell somebody else how they should feel. If she wants to be a part of your special day, I don’t see why you should dictate that she cannot physically handle it.
I was amazing up till I gave birth. I felt great! And maybe she’s prioritizing being a part of your special day over her being tired.
You’re mean.
Yup! YTA!
NAH I think. Maid of honor is the person you want standing closest to you on the day of your wedding. She does not NEED to be the one working hard to help pull your big day off.
Running around like that while towards the end of her pregnancy is too much and not necessary.
Explain to her that you want her there next to you during the day but you don’t want her to extend herself while pregnant. It’s her presence that is the contribution.
YTA. Brides really need to stop the nonsense that it is all about them. Yeah, I’ll get downvoted, but in my view a wedding is a celebration of the couple as well as the family and friends who support them. And wedding parties are not your unpaid labor, FFS.
YTA for the way you addressed this. You should have asked her if she’s still comfortable participating or ask if she has any concerns about it. You could have approached this as a matter of concern for her wellbeing. Instead you basically insulted her.
YTA. She knows her body best. You just don’t want her sweaty in pictures.
More info:
What are her duties as a bridesmaid? Isn’t it just walk down the aisle and stand there for a while?
Yes, you are.
It’s a wedding, not a basketball game. She’ll be fine. YTA.
YTA
Why can’t you decrease the demands on her instead?
Walking down the aisle and wearing a bridesmaid dress are perfectly doable.
YTA. You don’t tell her… you ask her, then sit and listen? She would have immediately gotten her back up with your approach.
One of my bridesmaids was recovering from surgery. She walked down the aisle, then we had all the bridesmaids and groomsmen take a seat. When you want someone to be there with you, you make it work. YTA
YTA
My best friend had her second baby 3 weeks after my wedding, and she was my MOH.
How long is the aisle you’re planning to walk down? I’m sure your sister can handle the 25 feet or so she’ll need to walk. Being a bridesmaid isn’t exactly a workout.
YTA. I was a bridesmaid as a wheelchair user. My friend told me I would still be a valued guest even if I decided not to accept her offer of bridesmaid and made sure we talked through anything that could make it easier for me.
You should be thinking about how you can accommodate your sister and giving her autonomy to decide if she can handle it.
YtA. Obviously and unequivocally.
You might be right, but YTA for telling a pregnant woman what she’s capable of. Good luck.
YTA. As someone who is currently 7.5 months pregnant, anemic, and dealing with pelvic pain I could rally enough to take pictures and get through a wedding ceremony. Don’t expect her to be running around helping set up and dancing the night away, but if she feels up to still being apart of the wedding you should let her.
YTA
She can decide what her body can and can not handle. Are they running a marathon before the ceremony.
She has to walk up and aisle and take some pictures. Something is missing from this story.
Did you seriously think people wouldn’t see right through you? YTA and a cliché
NTA. Your sister knows her limitations right now and it’s and it’s selfish and irresponsible of her to want to be a bridesmaid. Anything could happen to her and your wedding day will be about her.
(Yep, I said it.)
It’s safer and easier for her to be a guest which isn’t a bad thing.
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding.