Hello. I (18f) am feeling so done and overwhelmed at the same time.
Every time there is some sort of family reunion or party, someone (usually one of my aunties/uncles) brings up my parents. The moment they bring them up, the whole mood shifts. Then my aunties and uncles start talking in a hushed, almost pitying voice about how sad it is, how unfair it was, and how hard it must be for me to just exist as their niece. Like as if I haven’t spent my entire life being reminded of what I lost, or what I never even had: parents.
My mom died while giving birth to me because I was an early preemie. My dad ended up getting the call about it (he wasn’t there by her side because he had to get things from the house to bring up to the hospital) and then died in a car accident on the way to the hospital. Neither of them eve saw me, met me, or held me. And somehow, I feel like I’ve spent every second of my life paying for it. My relatives never outright said it before, but I can feel it in the way they talk about it. They way they look at me, like I’m the reason why my parents’ lives fell apart.
Recently, at my grandmother’s house, someone brought it up again. I don’t even know who started it this time, but all of sudden, everyone in the room was talking about my mom, dad, and me. About how strong I must be to live like this. Or how can I smile/be happy when my parents’ death anniversary is coming up soon. Or if I wasn’t a preemie, then maybe my mom would be alive. I may have been the asshole here cause I kind of just snapped and said: “It’s not my fault they died. I didn’t ask to be born, and I’m done feeling guilty for just being here.”
My relatives were silent and then my auntie said I was being insensitive and that their grief doesn’t just go away. My grandmother gave me a disappointed look and a few of my cousins awkwardly changed the subject. Now I’m being treated like the bad guy. Like I was cruel for wanting to move on. I can’t keep living like this, like I’m some permanent reminder of everything they lost.
I wanted to point out that they aren’t like this all the time. They have shown me so much love, but it is hard sometimes when they speak about my parents. My mom was their baby sister (I have a lot of maternal uncles/aunties) and my dad was their close friend.
EDIT – since people think this is fake. I was TOLD that my mom passed because I was a preemie. I never questioned it because that’s all I’ve ever been told (but I see now that it’s probably complications that got her). My dad got the call of her passing and then drove to the hospital in probably panic or something. I actually asked my auntie bout this and she told me he had depression? Idk even know anymore
TL;DR: My family won’t stop bringing up my parents’ deaths, making me feel like a walking tragedy to them. I snapped and told them it’s not my fault. Now they think I’m insensitive. AITA
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Hello. I (18f) am feeling so done and overwhelmed at the same time.
Every time there is some sort of family reunion or party, someone (usually one of my aunties/uncles) brings up my parents. The moment they bring them up, the whole mood shifts. Then my aunties and uncles start talking in a hushed, almost pitying voice about how sad it is, how unfair it was, and how hard it must be for me to just exist as their niece. Like as if I haven’t spent my entire life being reminded of what I lost, or what I never even had: parents.
My mom died while giving birth to me because I was an early preemie. My dad ended up getting the call about it (he wasn’t there by her side because he had to get things from the house to bring up to the hospital) and then died in a car accident on the way to the hospital. Neither of them eve saw me, met me, or held me. And somehow, I feel like I’ve spent every second of my life paying for it. My relatives never outright said it before, but I can feel it in the way they talk about it. They way they look at me, like I’m the reason why my parents’ lives fell apart.
Recently, at my grandmother’s house, someone brought it up again. I don’t even know who started it this time, but all of sudden, everyone in the room was talking about my mom, dad, and me. About how strong I must be to live like this. Or how can I smile/be happy when my parents’ death anniversary is coming up soon. Or if I wasn’t a preemie, then maybe my mom would be alive. I may have been the asshole here cause I kind of just snapped and said: “It’s not my fault they died. I didn’t ask to be born, and I’m done feeling guilty for just being here.”
My relatives were silent and then my auntie said I was being insensitive and that their grief doesn’t just go away. My grandmother gave me a disappointed look and a few of my cousins awkwardly changed the subject. Now I’m being treated like the bad guy. Like I was cruel for wanting to move on. I can’t keep living like this, like I’m some permanent reminder of everything they lost.
I wanted to point out that they aren’t like this all the time. They have shown me so much love, but it is hard sometimes when they speak about my parents. My mom was their baby sister (I have a lot of maternal uncles/aunties) and my dad was their close friend.
TL;DR: My family won’t stop bringing up my parents’ deaths, making me feel like a walking tragedy to them. I snapped and told them it’s not my fault. Now they think I’m insensitive. AITA
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told my relatives (who I guess is still grieving) to stop talking about my deceased parents and for them to stop blaming my existence for their deaths.
2. I may be the asshole because I kinda yelled at them during the party and made a few of my uncles, aunties, and my grandmother (who raised me) cry. Someone even called me heartless.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. It must be terrible to hear that over and over. The irony of them saying you should be more sensitive to their feelings when you’re the on who lost your parents. They had the pleasure of loving your parents and knowing them while that was stolen from you. I would like to send you a million virtual hugs. There was a lot of insensitivity but none of it came from you. Maybe this will help them reflect on how their words affect you. I’m very sorry for your loss.
I hope that time and space would help you realize this later on in life, OP, but NAH.
You hate being reminded about what you never had. But you are a constant reminder to your family about what they have lost. Is it wrong that they can’t let go of that grief? Morally? No. In terms of their relationship with you? It’s obviously causing you harm, so yes.
I hope you’re getting counselling for how you feel about this. It might be worth getting those closest to you, grandmother and perhaps a closest aunt or uncle, to attend a couple of family therapy sessions to help express to them how you feel about all of this.
That might not be an option. I wish I had better advice for you OP. This isn’t a situation where anything but a calm discussion will work, and even then, it won’t put an end to it, just some brakes.
NTA. That’s ridiculous to blame a literal newborn for such tragedy. I’m very sorry for what you went through, your family should’ve been looking out for you when you needed them the most.
I can only imagine. But maybe start phrasing it differently?
I have no idea what it is like to not have birth parents so please understand MY view is very different than yours.
Please understand that when you say certain things it feels as if you are blaming me, personally for their deaths. It becomes a terrible burden on my shoulders.
Instead of making me feel like I am a permanent reminder of what you lost; look at me as a perfect blend of both of them.
NTA
.>Like as if I haven’t spent my entire life being reminded of what I lost, or what I never even had: parents.
Tough, tough break. I’m so sorry.
>My relatives never outright said it before, but I can feel it in the way they talk about it. They way they look at me, like I’m the reason why my parents’ lives fell apart.
Of course you aren’t. Grieving and wanting to talk about your parents is understandable. They’re right, grief doesn’t go away.
But your relatives need to realize you’re here & show some emotional intelligence towards you & understanding of how it makes you feel when they say/intimate things like:
> Or if I wasn’t a preemie, then maybe my mom would be alive.
Because saying or intimating that is just not ok on any level.
No one should make you feel guilty for being here.
>I can’t keep living like this, like I’m some permanent reminder of everything they lost.
No, you can’t. I can only hope they come to realize they need to change the way they articulate their grief around you.
I wish you all the very best, I really do.
Who has been raising you? Don’t you live with an aunt and uncle all the time who seem like parents to you?? I mean, NTA, but this seems like fiction. What have your adoptive parents said to you when you tell them how you feel? You can’t possible exist only as their niece, since someone has been raising you as their daughter this whole time. If it’s real, ask for family therapy so you can tell your adoptive parents how you feel with someone neutral present to help you.
Honestly how are so many people this obtuse? Do they really need to be told not to bring up your dead parents constantly or in social situations? My friend’s baby passed, super fucking sad. It’s been 4 years and people still ask her how shes doing in that tone. She looks uncomfortable everytime, honestly what is she supposed to say to that? “Im good” makes her seem like she doesnt care. Getting sad about it is uncomfortable. Its really just a stupid thing to bring up in a casual setting. I dont get what theyre trying to get at, but I think they want to seem caring. Its not about the mom or her feelings, its about making themselves seem empathetic. Clueless NTA
I’m truly sorry for your loss, but your family also experienced a loss. They lost a sibling, a daughter, a son. Not everyone is going to deal with this the same. NAH
I’m going to be the ass here. This post is questionable. Mom died at birth. Ok. Dad died in car accident on way to hospital. Possible but really a stretch for me. Relatives can’t stop taking about it every time 18 YEARS later? Sorry if I’m wrong.
NTA. You never had the chance to meet your parents. It’s an unfortunate tragedy what happened to them, and their grief is valid. However, you can’t be expected to grieve in the same manor as people who knew your parents for most (if not all) of their lives. Instead of pitying you, they should be proud to have the opportunity to continue your parents legacy (you) and live in the moment, not the past. NTA
NTA – it’s hard to call them the assholes for grieving, but they are a little for being insensitive to how you might be feeling, and them questioning how you could be happy without regard for how that makes you feel pushes it over the line for me.
Can you enlist whichever relative you feel closest to, explain how you feel, and ask them to explain it to the others and to redirect them when they get tragic during family events? I’ve got a ton of nieces and I’d be more than willing to keep my siblings in check if they were making one of them feel this way.
NTA. I would just outright ask next time it is bought up, “are you saying it’s my fault, that I should have not survived either? I think my parents would have been proud of who I have become. You are blaming a newborn for this, you know that is not fair.”
NTA: Explain to them that every time they bring it up it hurst you. Let them know they can talk all they want when you aren’t around, but no longer around you. Don’t get angry. Be patient and if they continue say ‘so you are continuing to do something that you know will hurt me? So you are choosing to hurt me right now?’
If need be, leave the room.
Never let them talk to you about it.
NTA my nan died the year I was born. I had nothing to with her death but my grandfather had a way of making it feel like it. He would also say how he wished she was alive but “oh well, at least I got you” like I was a shitty consolation prize. It took an unrelated adult to call him out on it. Do you have any one else in your corner to help communicate with your family about how upsetting and unfair they are being to you?
Didn’t you post this yesterday?
NTA, they have no idea the level of grief YOU have experienced your whole life for 2 people you never got to meet. It’s selfish and inconsiderate to only consider their own grief, worse yet to think of it as greater than yours just because they had the privilege to know the 2 people you would give anything to have known.
You expressed a real hurt and tried to communicate how they have been hurting you your whole life, making you feel responsible for their loss simply because you were born. You may not have done a good job communicating that, but you are hurting after 18 years of feeling blamed, and it’s understandable that you would have an outburst. I would write an open letter, articulate how their comments have made you feel over the years. How you feel like they expect their grief to eclipse yours simply because they got to actually know your parents, when they will never understand your grief or how hard it is to grieve someone so deeply that you never got to know. If they still don’t understand and empathize with you, I’d say it’s time to lower contact and start building a chosen family.
Absolutely NTA. Sounds like it would be good to set a boundary here- with the entire group or individually, with the people that do this most often. This is your story, and it’s OK to ask for what you need and want.
>>“I appreciate that you want to remember my parents, but it’s really tough for me to hear about them whenever we get together. I’d really like for us to talk about the present and doing things to make new memories together.” (idk about the wording-whatever work for you)
After that, if someone brings up the subject, remove yourself from the conversation (go to kitchen to get a drink, excuse yourself to the restroom). Good luck, OP.
The fact you were a preemie is probably because something was wrong with your mom and her body got you out of there so at least you could live. You being a preemie had no effect on her death, that’s just not how it works (background in healthcare and am currently 7 months pregnant).
I think this is a very reasonable request. You could go to your grandma and ask her to say something on your behalf, or you could say it yourself. The bottom line is it makes you feel bad/sad when they bring up your parents in this way and you’d like them to stop. That’s completely reasonable and acceptable!
Is there someone you can talk to like a school guidance counselor if you feel you need to? You might not feel you need to and that’s totally reasonable too. I completely understand coming from a place of “this might be sad to other people but for me it’s just my life and how it is, there’s nothing I need to talk about.” I’ve been there too. Just because other people feel bad doesn’t mean you have to!
NTA
I’m so sorry that happened to you, OP. You had the right to snap. Next time they bring them up (and they probably will), get up and leave. Go for a walk, to a favorite cafe, something to remove yourself from the situation. If they give you crap for it, tell them ‘I don’t like it when you talk about my parents.” or “I don’t like it when you blame me for my parents’ deaths.” and leave it at that. Repeat those words if they press further.
How about you ask them to share happy memories so you can understand your parents that you never knew – rather than the usual pity comments?
NTA. If seeing you triggers always their sense of loss, they need therapy to see you without being triggered.
Maybe a better response would be: “And I’m positive that my parents, who you knew way better than I ever got a chance to know, are grateful to all of you for raising me when they couldn’t do so. Now, please, let’s talk about [insert the event for which people are coming together].”