I (F27) share a 2-bed flat with a roommate (F26). Her boyfriend “stayed for a week” after his lease ended. We’re on week five. In that time he’s been showering twice a day, cooking with my pots/spices, pouring my milk/using my eggs, and my shampoo keeps magically shrinking. Our smart meter’s been climbing and the water bill’s up; the living room has basically turned into his office/gaming den.
Last week I asked for a totally reasonable contribution: £100 toward utilities and to stop treating my food/toiletries as communal. He laughed and said it’s “temporary” and I’m being “transactional.” Roommate says I’m “making her choose,” that he’s “basically family,” and I should show “compassion.” I actually like him fine, but compassion doesn’t pay the bill when the meter’s spinning.
So I set a boundary: by Friday, either (1) he transfers £100 and agrees to stop using my groceries/personal items, or (2) he finds somewhere else to sleep. Now I’m the villain for “setting ultimatums.” For context, when we moved in we agreed that guests are a few nights, not a third roommate by stealth. This isn’t a guest anymore – it’s an unpaid tenant with opinions.
I’m not trying to ban him; I just don’t want to subsidize soeone who isn’t on the lease. If he chipped in and respected basic house rules, great. But right now it feels like I’m sponsoring a staycation.
AITA for enforcing a pay-or-go deadline?
TL;DR: Roomie’s BF came for “a week”; it’s week 5. Bills up, he uses my stuff, pays nothing. I said contribute £100 and stop treating my things as communal or he leaves. Now I’m “controlling.” AITA?
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I (F27) share a 2-bed flat with a roommate (F26). Her boyfriend “stayed for a week” after his lease ended. We’re on week five. In that time he’s been showering twice a day, cooking with my pots/spices, pouring my milk/using my eggs, and my shampoo keeps magically shrinking. Our smart meter’s been climbing and the water bill’s up; the living room has basically turned into his office/gaming den.
Last week I asked for a totally reasonable contribution: £100 toward utilities and to stop treating my food/toiletries as communal. He laughed and said it’s “temporary” and I’m being “transactional.” Roommate says I’m “making her choose,” that he’s “basically family,” and I should show “compassion.” I actually like him fine, but compassion doesn’t pay the bill when the meter’s spinning.
So I set a boundary: by Friday, either (1) he transfers £100 and agrees to stop using my groceries/personal items, or (2) he finds somewhere else to sleep. Now I’m the villain for “setting ultimatums.” For context, when we moved in we agreed that guests are a few nights, not a third roommate by stealth. This isn’t a guest anymore – it’s an unpaid tenant with opinions.
I’m not trying to ban him; I just don’t want to subsidize soeone who isn’t on the lease. If he chipped in and respected basic house rules, great. But right now it feels like I’m sponsoring a staycation.
AITA for enforcing a pay-or-go deadline?
TL;DR: Roomie’s BF came for “a week”; it’s week 5. Bills up, he uses my stuff, pays nothing. I said contribute £100 and stop treating my things as communal or he leaves. Now I’m “controlling.” AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My action was giving my roommate’s boyfriend a pay-or-go ultimatum by Friday after his “one-week” stay became five weeks, requiring £100 toward utilities and for him to stop using my food/toiletries or leave. This might make me the asshole because I set a unilateral deadline that impacts my roommate’s relationship and living situation, didn’t allow much notice, and jumped to an ultimatum instead of first negotiating a written house agreement or a mutually agreed cost-split with both of them.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, he’s living off of both of you rent free (literally). Asking for the utility payment was still way too nice. He needs to go find his own place to live.
NTA. You might look into whether this is even allowed by your landlord. You could be putting your lease at risk. Regardless, this guy is a leech. What you are doing is entirely reasonable. You just should not have allowed this to go on as long as you have.
NTA
So your roommate moved her boyfriend in without permission. She’s the most in the wrong for that.
The comment about this being transactional is ridiculous. Of course it’s transactional! You do not have a relationship with this man! He gets to stay in your space in exchange for money, that is how that works. If he wants unconditional love and communal access to everything he can move back in with mommy.
The constantly using your stuff instead of his girlfriends would send me right over the edge. Props to you for keeping civil and reasonable.
Well, no, NTA but I would’ve spoken to my roommate and told them that the split is now 3 ways. Whether he pays the other third or she does is a discussion for them but I’m only paying for a third of all utilites. If food money is also pooled then I’m only contributing a third to that. If not then keep your hands off my stuff or buy it back. If this cannot be agreed then he’s got to go. You’re being more than reasonable in only asking for a £100 contribution in my opinion
Generally speaking yes thats no longer a guess but a third roommate. NTA. He should pay more than utilities tbh
Definitely NTA. A week is a guest. Five weeks is a roommate. He’s eating your food, using your stuff, and running up bills while paying nothing. Totally fair to draw a line.
Absolutely not the AH! This isn’t an emergency case. It’s now reasonable it’s split three ways – frankly I would be on my 17 year olds case if they took two showers because of the utility bill and I love them and adore them but I can’t pay the bills with hearts and flowers!!
NTA he is a leech. If his partner wants to keep him then fine but he is not your problem.
NTA
NTA. Check your lease there may be a clause in there for the length of time a guest can stay before needing to inform your landlord that there is an additional person residing there. If your roommate feels this is so transactional then she can leave with her boyfriend and find out directly what it’s like to pay his way through life.
NTA. Offer another solution. Pay the same you’ve paid in previous months towards utilities and make her cover the balance. Her guest, her financial burden. Also tell him to stop using your groceries and kitchenware.
Why did you wait this long. People will treat you like a doormat, only to the extent you allow them to do so.
NTA, this seems generous.
However I think it’s better etiquette to nip things like using your groceries habitually in the bud immediately. By letting it go on for this long you send the message to AHes like the boyfriend that it is OK.
NTA. Your flatmate didn’t consult you and moved in another resident. And of course you’re being “transactional”; it’s a flat where you’ve got a signed lease. He’s just annoyed that you don’t want him to be part of the lease transaction. Your flatmate can chose the bf, but she’ll need to do that in another flat. He may be “basically family” to her, but to you, he’s the reason your food and toiletries are disappearing and your utilities are going up.
NTA. He’s not your family 🤷🏻♂️
NTA. You say 2 bed flat…is there no door to your room where you can lock away all of your stuff? The entitlement stops now. Show me that adorable petty side that I so love. Lock all of your stuff away. Take your toiletries out of the bathroom so it can’t “magically” shrink. Get one…or a few of those lock boxes that you can put your refrigerated items into and still store it in the fridge. If you can swing it, a mini fridge is a nice addition to any bedroom when you live with assholes who have asshole adjacent friends and significant others. They are not your kids, you don’t need to foot the bill for their comfort. And the unwelcome guest may be between homes…but he’s not between jobs, right? so why the hell is he not chipping in? Do not worry about being liked in this situation. It will never end unless you put your foot down, because your roommate is an asshole who only cares about herself and what she wants. She’s clearly not on your side in this situation. If the guy doesn’t transfer money to you and stop using your stuff, take the next step and bring the landlord into the situation because guests are not supposed to stay for the duration he has. Either he’s added to the lease and pays his own way, or he leaves and mooches off of someone else.
Are the three of you sharing one room?
The option- because you can’t force him to move out it to reduce e your contribution to the house expenses.
If he is not out by X date- or contributes $/month and stops consuming my purchased items I will only pay 1/3 of the apartment utilities. Roommate with BF and BF will be responsible for the remaining 2/3rds.
NTA
From your post it appears you’re in the UK where we tend to rent rooms in shared houses as opposed to splitting rent by the number of people like they do in the USA.
That said like you state your bills are going up so yes he needs to contribute towards that until he moves out.
Also NTA re your food and toiletries. Sadly some people will always try and make you the bad person when you enforce a boundary so that is not about you, so push on.
Also are you able to get a mini fridge in your room for the time being and move your food and toiletries into your room.
Re the living room – just use it even if he is in there, go about your daily life, watch tv ect and ignore him. He cannot take up space like that when he pays 0 bills.
I wish i could live for £20 per week because that’s what 5wks worth is.i would of said something after the first week.if he doesn’t shift tell him you want back dated rent 5x£100 he’ll soon leave
Updateme
He should be paying 1/3 of the rent as well. 5 weeks is a roommate and it’s not fair you’re paying the full half and they’re splitting the other half. Also, if the landlord finds out he’s been living there or has stayed longer than allowed in the lease, you’re all in danger of getting evicted. NTA
NTA, everything should be split 3 ways.
That’s not a boundary, it is in fact an ultimatum. But you’re correct to demand it. NTA.
Tell your landlord. They’ll kick him out ASAP.
NTA.
You’re being transactional because paying bills and buying shampoo is, hello, transactional.
Don’t get railroaded here. You’re right.
If roommate feels so strongly about her freeloader, she can cover his bills.
NTA, except that you should have stuck with just GO. No option to become a roomie. Your roomie needs to be told that her boyfriend may be HER family but is not yours. To you, he’s her gigolo, and you aren’t interested in paying for her sex.
Tell her she has until the end of the week to boot the bum or you’re reporting the situation to the landlord.
NTA
NTA. What’s in the lease? Are you allowed guests, and is there a limit on how long they’re allowed to stay? My lease specifically states 5 consecutive days, or else they’re considered unauthorized and tenants can be evicted.
MTA. some people are takers and will take without remorse. Some people aren’t built for remorse but for survival and will take to survive. You need to put your foot down or you will forever be a doormat for takers long past this guy.
u/bot-sleush-bot
Request he also sleep with you so you get something out of it. She will be out in a week.
NTA
Split all house expenses 3 ways, and keep your food & cookware in your room or locked up
Jeezus.
NTA
Ask him where else in the world he could stay for 5 weeks room and board free? Then tell him to go there.
He’s a grown up, and has just saved a full month’s rent/utilities/food by crashing with you. He shoudl be more grateful.
If your roommate has a problem, SHE can pony up the money. Tell her however she handles it, you’re only paying half of what your utility bill USUALLY is, she can make up the rest.
Then invite YOUR boyfriend/girlfriend to come crash for 5 weeks and eat all roommate’s stuff.
Seriously…what an ass.
Rent and utilities is a transaction. You pay money to use them, that’s how renting works. I’d hide all my food and personal things, including the loo paper. If he’s using all of your room mates food etc, his stay may be less appealing for her because it’s costing her and not you. I’d go full petty and not bring one drop of milk into the house, remove all spices, like, he only has access to her things. If he has no income and there’s nothing to mooch he’ll be forced to go elsewhere or starve. But I’d have kicked him out 3 weeks ago.
You should have addressed this 2 weeks ago. He’s probably a legal resident now.
That’s a hundred a week, correct? A hundred a month is not enuff
At 100 £ per month, can I move in too? You need to charge more like 1,000 £ for this!
u/bot-sleush-bot
NTA. Your roommate does not have to choose. She can pay the additional utilities on her bf’s behalf. After all, he is her so-called long term guest.
Can’t say about the UK, but in the US, based on common law, requires that a person staying over 4 weeks is to be considered a tenant and given a written 30day registered letter notice to vacate.
You neglected to say if he is actively searching for a new flat. I suspect he is not, and your roommate wanted him to move in permanently.
Examine the terms of your lease. Is it in your name, her name, or jointly? Tell her he has one week to move out or you’re reporting it to the landlord. Be prepared to be looking for a new flatmate!
NTA. They’re clearly taking advantage of you.
Honestly, at this point your roommate should be paying 2/3 of the rent, or everyone in the apartment pays 1/3. He’s basically living there. 100 a month for housing is a steal. The fact he won’t even pay that shows he’s a hobosexual.
NTA: they’re gaslighting you into thinking you’re in the wrong.
Nope. He’s taking advantage of both of you.