Me (25M) and my roommate (24M), let’s call him Dave, have been living together for about a year. It’s a small two-bedroom apartment, rent is split 50/50, everything’s been fine up until like 2 months ago.
That’s when Dave started dating this girl. I’ll call her “Lena”. At first it was whatever, she came over sometimes, stayed the night here and there. Normal stuff.
But lately? She’s here like 5 nights a week. Sometimes more. She uses the shower, she eats our food (yeah, our, because we do shared groceries to keep things simple), she watches TV for hours in the living room like she lives here. She even has her own toothbrush in the bathroom. I found her hair straightener plugged in the other day. She’s not on the lease, doesn’t pay rent, nothing.
I brought it up to Dave like a week ago, and I tried to be chill. Just said, hey, I feel like she’s basically living here, and it’s starting to feel crowded. He got defensive immediately and said “she’s just staying over,” and that I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
So I told him straight: if she’s gonna be here more than half the week, she either needs to chip in for stuff, or limit how often she’s here. He said I’m being petty and acting like I’m jealous or something. (???)
Lena hasn’t said anything to me directly, but now she gives me weird looks when we’re in the kitchen or whatever. And the last few days Dave has been barely talking to me.
I honestly don’t think I was rude. I didn’t yell, I didn’t insult anyone. I just don’t want to feel like I’m sharing a 3-person apartment when we’re only paying for 2.
So…
AITA for telling my roommate his girlfriend can’t basically live with us for free?
Comments
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Me (25M) and my roommate (24M), let’s call him Dave, have been living together for about a year. It’s a small two-bedroom apartment, rent is split 50/50, everything’s been fine up until like 2 months ago.
That’s when Dave started dating this girl. I’ll call her “Lena”. At first it was whatever, she came over sometimes, stayed the night here and there. Normal stuff.
But lately? She’s here like 5 nights a week. Sometimes more. She uses the shower, she eats our food (yeah, our, because we do shared groceries to keep things simple), she watches TV for hours in the living room like she lives here. She even has her own toothbrush in the bathroom. I found her hair straightener plugged in the other day. She’s not on the lease, doesn’t pay rent, nothing.
I brought it up to Dave like a week ago, and I tried to be chill. Just said, hey, I feel like she’s basically living here, and it’s starting to feel crowded. He got defensive immediately and said “she’s just staying over,” and that I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
So I told him straight: if she’s gonna be here more than half the week, she either needs to chip in for stuff, or limit how often she’s here. He said I’m being petty and acting like I’m jealous or something. (???)
Lena hasn’t said anything to me directly, but now she gives me weird looks when we’re in the kitchen or whatever. And the last few days Dave has been barely talking to me.
I honestly don’t think I was rude. I didn’t yell, I didn’t insult anyone. I just don’t want to feel like I’m sharing a 3-person apartment when we’re only paying for 2.
So…
AITA for telling my roommate his girlfriend can’t basically live with us for free?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> because i told my roommate that his girl can’t live with us, because she doesn’t help in any way economically speaking, but i don’t know if this was the right choice because it’s still his girl, and i need some advices
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Your stance is reasonable. I don’t understand people in roommate situations who think it’s inconsequential for guests to be spending the majority of time there, eating food, taking up space, and otherwise costing the roommates money.
You have a part-time third roommate, is what it comes down to. It’s not what you agreed to. It seems like when this comes up, it’s mostly successful because all roommates are committed to being considerate of their agreement and the expectations around sharing, but your roommate is not being. The fact that he immediately deflected and defended, and is now treating you coldly, shows he isn’t trying to be considerate.
EDIT: Corrected typo
NTA. Living in a house costs money for food, bills, water, electricity, etc. If this girl is ‘living’ with you anyways, you should be making her pay for using your electricity and stuff.
NTA. The only good thing to come out of this is that you’ve found out how good a friend he is. To begin with, start buying your own groceries while you look for somewhere else to live.
NTA, thats fair.
Definitely, not the asshole. She is not on the lease, she doesn’t pitch in to expenses. The complex I live in has a max 3 day guest policy.
NTA
She is his guest. She should not be there, or hanging out without him in the shared areas, when he is not home. If he’s leaving in the morning and she’s still hanging out, that’s not okay.
Check your lease for their policy on overnight guests. Then show it to your roommate. You are NTA. Your roommate and his gf are inconsiderate. Do not let them keep walking over you
NTA, if he wants to spend every single day with her, why isn’t he at her place half the time?
NTA. What you’re suggesting is completely reasonable and standard. He can’t just move his girlfriend in without paying more, nor can he do it without clearing it with you first. He may also be in violation of your lease which would be a whole other problem if the landlord were to find out.
NTA. Sound like your roommate doesn’t understand boundaries or how to share properly. His girlfriend doesn’t get a vote unless she pay her share. Before any of that, you need to agree to her being there.
Get a better roommate!
NTA
You signed up for a roommate, not living with a couple, especially a relationship that’s so new. Sleeping there, using the shower, toothbrush, etc isn’t over the line, but eating food you paid for and camping out in front of the tv when (I’m assuming) Dave isn’t there? She’s not your gf, and this isn’t her house. If she chipped in for groceries and kinda limited her time in common areas without Dave to a more reasonable level, I’m sure there wouldn’t be a problem. But the basic fact is you’re not comfortable in your own home anymore and she’s not on the lease – You guys could get in trouble with the landlord if she completes her invasion and moves in.
She is using utilities, and eating your food. These aren’t free. NTA
NTA
Tell your roommate that if she doesn’t pay up or stay over less you’ll tell your landlord. Otherwise you could both get in trouble for letting an extra person stay there that long without paying rent or informing the landlord. NTA
NTA.
She’s there enough to noticeably contribute to water, gas and electricity usage. Those bills go up when more people are added to it, and she needs to help pay for that or cut down her time there. She’s also there enough to eat a sizeable portion of your groceries and should be either replenishing what she takes or buying her own for while she’s there.
Your request is reasonable.
If you’re friendly with your landlord, you could ask him to suddenly discover that this person seems to be here all the time, and ask you both what’s up as there only supposed to be two people living there.
NTA, But your roommate doesn’t want you to mess with his sex life which must be going okay.
NTA, “I’m not jealous, I just never signed up to live with Your gf”.
NTA. Neither of them understand boundaries. Using your utilities and food that often without chipping is a no go. Either she contributes or your roommate pays more to cover the increased cost of a 3rd person basically living there.
NTA. This will probably end badly. For your next roomate situation you need to include the overnight guest expectations in your written agreement about expenses and housekeeping division. And if you don’t have a written agreement, there’s another lesson.