I (20s M) work a part-time gig at a small outdoor kiosk in Czechia for extra money. Shifts are managed by another part-timer, Jenny (30s F). The scheduling is informal, via text.
A couple of weeks ago, I informed Jenny about my week-long, pre-planned vacation. I gave exact dates. We agreed they could try the group chat for real emergencies, and I’d check if I happened to see it, but otherwise, I was off the grid as I would be working my full-time job.
I had a great vacation, barely looking at my phone. On Saturday, the day after I returned, I checked my messages. Two notifications from Jenny stood out.
The first, from Monday (June 30th) midway through my vacation, said: “Hey Marek, sorry to write so late, but I’ll forget otherwise. I need you for a shift on July 19th.” Standard, but annoying she sent it during my time off. I hadn’t replied, obviously.
Then came the second message, sent on Friday (July 4th), while I was still on my trip. My blood boiled reading it: “Hi, I think it’s polite to reply. Just wait until you need something :). Anyway, the date is already sorted out.”
I was floored by the audacity. She knew I was on vacation. The passive-aggressive guilt trip about politeness was infuriating. But “Just wait until you need something :)” followed by that smug little smiley face? It was a thinly veiled threat, a clear power trip. She’s not my boss; just the schedule-holder.
I was fuming. I couldn’t let it slide. I needed to set a boundary. After cooling down for an hour, I drafted a reply, still pretty pissed off.
I replied:
“Hi Jenny. As you know yourself, I was on vacation, and when I’m on vacation, I really don’t deal with work. I told you that if something was actually burning, I would reply to the group if I was even able to.
Sorry, but that whole, ‘Just wait until you need something,’ you can’t be serious with that, can you?
I may just be a part-timer here, but you will absolutely not talk to me like that. You are not my mother.”
I hit send. She read it instantly. The silence since has been deafening. Part of me feels vindicated; I stood up for myself against unprofessional, manipulative behavior. However, a colleague told me my three bosses are now mad at me because they’re all friends with Jenny. I don’t know why they’re mad at me.
I wasn’t wondering if I went “too nuclear”; I was defending myself. I am just wondering if I am the asshole for sending that message back. I’m also wondering if I should have messaged her while on vacation, something like, “Sorry, can’t look at it now, I’ll look when I am home.” Plus, I’m not even sure if she can hold shifts over my head, as I told everyone I’d be working full-time since June and haven’t sent her my availability list yet.
So, AITA for how I responded to her?
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I (20s M) work a part-time gig at a small outdoor kiosk in Czechia for extra money. Shifts are managed by another part-timer, Jenny (30s F). The scheduling is informal, via text.
A couple of weeks ago, I informed Jenny about my week-long, pre-planned vacation. I gave exact dates. We agreed they could try the group chat for real emergencies, and I’d check if I happened to see it, but otherwise, I was off the grid as I would be working my full-time job.
I had a great vacation, barely looking at my phone. On Saturday, the day after I returned, I checked my messages. Two notifications from Jenny stood out.
The first, from Monday (June 30th) midway through my vacation, said: “Hey Marek, sorry to write so late, but I’ll forget otherwise. I need you for a shift on July 19th.” Standard, but annoying she sent it during my time off. I hadn’t replied, obviously.
Then came the second message, sent on Friday (July 4th), while I was still on my trip. My blood boiled reading it: “Hi, I think it’s polite to reply. Just wait until you need something :). Anyway, the date is already sorted out.”
I was floored by the audacity. She knew I was on vacation. The passive-aggressive guilt trip about politeness was infuriating. But “Just wait until you need something :)” followed by that smug little smiley face? It was a thinly veiled threat, a clear power trip. She’s not my boss; just the schedule-holder.
I was fuming. I couldn’t let it slide. I needed to set a boundary. After cooling down for an hour, I drafted a reply, still pretty pissed off.
I replied:
“Hi Jenny. As you know yourself, I was on vacation, and when I’m on vacation, I really don’t deal with work. I told you that if something was actually burning, I would reply to the group if I was even able to.
Sorry, but that whole, ‘Just wait until you need something,’ you can’t be serious with that, can you?
I may just be a part-timer here, but you will absolutely not talk to me like that. You are not my mother.”
I hit send. She read it instantly. The silence since has been deafening. Part of me feels vindicated; I stood up for myself against unprofessional, manipulative behavior. However, a colleague told me my three bosses are now mad at me because they’re all friends with Jenny. I don’t know why they’re mad at me.
I wasn’t wondering if I went “too nuclear”; I was defending myself. I am just wondering if I am the asshole for sending that message back. I’m also wondering if I should have messaged her while on vacation, something like, “Sorry, can’t look at it now, I’ll look when I am home.” Plus, I’m not even sure if she can hold shifts over my head, as I told everyone I’d be working full-time since June and haven’t sent her my availability list yet.
So, AITA for how I responded to her?
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This is one of those where you’re not an asshole but you are not making smart choices. She was in the wrong, but sometimes having a job means letting little things go.
If you’d stopped after the first paragraph of your reply, you would have been fine.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My action for judgment is telling my shift scheduler, Jenny, ‘You are not my mother’ via text message.
I might be the asshole because the way I presented my message was unjustifiably aggressive and potentially disrespectful, despite being provoked. While I did need to set a boundary, I could have done it in a nicer or more professional way. My colleague’s comment that the bosses are upset suggests that my tone was maybe getting to the point, and I’m wondering if my anger caused me to respond in a way that was causing unnecessary conflict or professional relationship harm, especially since she’s friends with my bosses. I overreacted and am wondering if the overreaction was called for to the point of being rude.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
ESH
She was passive aggressive. You took your response too far. You needed to stop talking after your second sentence.
Honestly NTA, I am proud of you for standing up for yourself. Even if you get fired, you’d quickly find work at another kiosk where chances are they won’t treat you like shit
While things shouldn’t be this way……this is how the world is when you have a job sometimes. Your vacation should be free and clear, and you shouldn’t be bothered. Sometimes things happen and the norm is to respond if you can. You’re reaction was a bit dramatic and over the top. The fact that you needed an hour to cool down after reading it, instead of being minorly irritated and going about your day, says more about you, than her.
I mean, you are not really the AH. But thinking this is “setting a boundary” and that this woman had “audacity” and throwing a temper tantrum for something minorly passive aggressive……that won’t bode well for you in a professional environment, ever.
NTA. She was behaving badly and you called her on it hard. Could there be negative consequences for you? Maybe. But that doesn’t make you the AH. Next time around tell them emphatically that you will not be checking messages on vacation. The bosses *should* be mad at Jenny for bugging you on your vacation.
NTA
I don’t personally think you are the asshole because although you were a bit harsh in your response, it was quite deserved. Your coworker was being very passive aggressive and was also not following the terms you set to only contact in an emergency.
NTA
You were NOT working. End of story.
NTA. You did nothing wrong.
NTA. Vacation means Vacation and what was the purpose of her snotty texts? What if you were in a location where your cellular carrier does not offer service?
Late 1990s/early 2000s, a friend of mine got a “work phone” in order to avoid all that – it was a cheep pre-paid phone, limited minutes but unlimited text – and kept his other phone number private from work. Occasionally, he was on call but if it was a scheduled out of office or vacation day, medical or legal appointment, or lunch, he turned the phone off so it would go straight to his voicemail which basically said “if youre getting this message I’m either on another line or it is outside of my normal business office hours. Please leave a message and I will return your call during posted business hours.” He was tired of getting work calls when he was trying to coach his kids baseball team or eat dinner with his family.
She needed an answer more than 2 weeks ahead of the date? Her text should have been “hey, we may need you on July 19. If you see this and can shoot back a quick reply, great. Otherwise we can catch up on it when you return.”
NTA. And your bosses being mad at you because they are friends with her just shows they shouldn’t be running things.
“You are not my mother” is not something I can ever imagine saying in a professional setting. Jenny wasn’t right, but you were unprofessional and overreacted. ESH.
YTA and need to grow up. This is work, not a teenage drama fest. Keep it professional. A simple, “That sounds fine but I don’t have access to my calendar and will confirm when I return,” would have been appropriate. A “thumbs up” to the second comment would have been appropriate.
NTA. Your boss should never contact you while on holiday. That’s your time and your not required to respond. I’d address that quick and hard as well.
Do you have anger issues? This is so minor.
I think you overreacted somewhat, and could’ve responded to remind her about your being on vacation, without getting personal and hyper-flustered.
Do I think you’re an a-hole, not reeaally, but you’re hella childish and actually the unprofessional one here.
Wait, were you on vacation or at your full time job? You really could have taken 2 seconds to confirm you were available. She was trying to make the schedule and needed confirmation from you. You have a lot to learn about the working world.
Jenny is lucky it is you and not me. I would have immediately contacted HR and sent a copy of her message to you containing her veiled threat.
NTA You could have written:“Jenny, if i needed something from you I wouldn’t ask you during your vacation.“
Irrelevant of the incident, you must be aware that workplaces are not democratic institutions. They are not family. No matter how perfect the place, you are there to work and get paid.
I hope you will understand this before being fired from so many works.
NTA. Don’t think what you said was wrong. Their first text to you while you were on vacation is whatever but the one after is definitely unacceptable.
Only point I have is I would have ended your text before you said they aren’t your mother as it is not very professional. You saying telling them not to speak to you in the way they did is more than okay.
ESH.
Jenny should not have been passive agreessive. You took to too far and were very unprofessional. If you had said “youre not my boss” that would have been a tiny bit better, but you still blew things out of proportion.
This is how life is. People make mistakes. They get passive aggressive. You cant fly off the handle and become insulting every time. Then YOU become the one in the wrong.
You should have commented that you were on vacation and didn’t have access to your calendar. You would respond as you could. You could talk to your boss about how she spoke to you rather than make a scene.
YTA and you have anger management issues.
NTA. I would take it a step further and tell her you will not be returning to work. Ever.
NTA. However, I think you need to make a formal complaint about her and submit the text messages. I bet she’s spun the story to make you look bad and her the hero for getting the shift covered. She probably made sure not to mention that you were gone on vacation and not just off for the day or whatever.
She isn’t your boss and shouldn’t be speaking to you that way no matter who she is. The schedule needs to be more formal. A sheet posted where all employees can see it, submitted to the actual managers and e- mailed to all employees with time/ day stamps so she can’t change it without a paper trail and transparency.
NTA OP well done. She over stepped. Your vacation is the same as an out of office sign. She should have confirmed before you left or waited, smells of bad management and favouritism, yuck.
In the future you will find better ways to lay a boundary without familiarizing it, a great opportunity to learn.
NTA. Your reply was definitely a little unprofessional, but totally justified. Jenny is on a power trip. And if she’s buddy buddy with the bosses, you might find yourself with fewer shifts as her passive-aggressive revenge for daring to stand up to her.
How badly do you need this job and how easy is it to find another on relatively short notice? You might be better off leaving there before Jenny and the bosses start making things miserable for you.
ESH. As a mom, I think you both need a time out to cool off.
Go sit in the corner and think about how you communicate.
You didn’t even promise a reply for a “real emergency”, just that you would reply IF you could. Not sure what kind of kiosk this is, but it is highly doubtful that schedule nearly three weeks out is a “real emergency”.
Shes definitely TA. Youuuuuu – well – you could’ve worded your reply better, but it is what it is and you got your point across. The mother comment was probably a little much, but she did kind of ask for it.
I have a coworker who doesn’t understand the idea of being off work for vacation or sick. I was once waiting in surgery prep (planned surgery I had scheduled weeks earlier and taken off work for), scrolling on my phone while I was waiting for them to come and get me. She texted me “where is the XXX customer folder?”. I replied “well let me tell the surgical team we have to put a halt on everything while I run to the office to show you where it is.” She responded “Oh no need for that! I can wait a little while…” Turns out, she was trying to see how the customer spelled his son’s name because her son liked the name and was thinking about using it for his kid who was due 6 months from then…ummmm yeah. urgent.