I’m 28 and my younger sister is 25. She just got engaged and while everyone else is congratulating her and acting excited, I’m feeling sick every time I see this guy.
He’s not aggressive or openly cruel, so I get why other people don’t see it. But there’s something about him that feels really familiar—and not in a good way. The way he talks to her, the way he jokes at her expense in front of people, the way he always needs to be right or make her second guess herself. It’s subtle, but it’s there. And it reminds me way too much of our stepdad.
Growing up, our stepdad wasn’t physically abusive, but he was emotionally manipulative and constantly controlling. He would humiliate us with “jokes,” tell us how to dress, and make us feel like we were walking on eggshells all the time. It took me years to unlearn that stuff and even longer to recognize it when I saw it in other people.
Last week we were all at dinner and her fiancé told her to change her top before we left because “it made her look desperate.” Then he laughed like it was funny. She laughed too, but I saw her face. She was embarrassed. Then when she mentioned maybe going back to work part-time, he basically told her there was no point and said, “We don’t need your little paycheck.” Everyone else just brushed it off. I couldn’t.
So the next day I called her and told her how I felt. I didn’t accuse him of anything. I just said, “Hey, I love you, but some of the ways he talks to you… it reminds me of how stepdad used to talk to us. And that scares me.”
She completely blew up at me. Said I was projecting my issues onto her life, that I can’t stand seeing her happy, and that I’ve always been critical of the men she dates. She even told me I was “ruining the best time of her life.”
Now she’s barely speaking to me. My mom says I should’ve kept my opinions to myself. But I feel like if I hadn’t said anything and something worse happens down the line, I’d never forgive myself.
So now I’m just stuck wondering… did I cross a line? Was it wrong to say something? Or did I do the right thing and just hit a nerve?
Am I the asshole?
Comments
I think she got angry because you hit a point.
But she’s not ready to let go..
(like apparently your mom with your step dad?)
NTA
Stay vigile and be there for her.
NTA – Trusting your gut is essential. When it comes to potentially harmful situations, it’s better to voice concerns and be wrong than stay silent and be right.
NTA but asking your sister to deal with what she obviously can’t stick up to probably isn’t the best course of action.
The best thing to do in those situations is joke at his expense in front of everyone. Use his ammo. Say “Woahhh you’ve got shitty step dad vibes” and laugh it off as a joke. If he confronts you, take a page from his passbook. You were only joking.
You can only say what you see and keep the door open for her. People in abusive relationships have to see it for themselves. They will often bury their head in the sand with ” but he’s normally really nice” and other stuff.I saw it with my sister. Our parents really kept on at her and nothing worked. I kind of stayed out of the arguing but was there to talk when she needed to. She always knew I was there and whatever time or day she only had to pick up the phone or turn up on my doorstep. When she did finally see the light I was the main one she leaned on because she was too embarrassed to admit my parents were right.
Just let her know you love her and aren’t judging her.
She got angry because u touched a raw nerve. Maybe she knows he is like that but can’t let him go. Be there for her. She will need your support. Be alert and help her navigate it
Absolutely not the asshole. Your stepdad and the fiance sound mentally and emotionally abusive. But you know how long it took for you to learn that your stepdad’s behavior was wrong and to unlearn the lessons his abuse taught you. You said your piece. Now tell her that you love her and that she can come to you for help at any time. Then try to be a supportive presence in her life. Not obtrusive, but present. It will be easier to extricate herself if she knows there are people she can lean on who will not judge.
If this is the best time of her life then the bar is set really low for her.
He’s keeping her trapped by not wanting her to work and shortly he will intentionally knock her up so it makes it harder for her to leave.
” I’m scared for you and your future. I dont like his remarks that try to put you down. I dont like how he’s trying to financially control you. If you have no job it’ll be harder to leave if his behaviour escalates. Once he gets you pregnant.. thats it. I love you but I can’t watch this and I can’t support your upcoming wedding. :
NTA ask your mother why shes so happy to let her daughter marry a manipulative, controlling person. Ask her why she thinks its ok her daughter spends her life under the control of another.
I think it was good you said something but she wasn’t ready to hear it….
NTA. Unfortunately you’re not going to convince her. It’s going to suck watching this play out, but only she can change her own mind. I’m sorry for her and for you.