So the title sounds worse than it is, I promise.
My sister asked me if I could watch my nephew for like 30 minutes so she could wash and blow-dry her hair. I (half-jokingly) said no, and she did not take it well. It turned into this whole argument about how I “never want to help” and how she “can never count on me.” She got defensive real fast and said she’d just keep him in her room and never ask me again.
Now for context, I used to help her a lot. I love my nephew, but lately I’ve pulled back from babysitting because she’s been real disrespectful with her tone and doesn’t respect my space or time—especially just because I don’t have a job right now. Like… just because I’m not working doesn’t mean I’m automatically available on demand?
I told her, “I definitely can watch him—I just don’t want to.” Which, yeah, might’ve struck a nerve, but I stand by it. There’s a difference between can’t and won’t, and honestly, I needed to draw the line.
Now she’s throwing vague Facebook posts, and I’m just over here sipping my water, wondering if I was really that out of pocket.
Now mind you I’ve tried to work it out w my sister and I brought up multiple times on how we can meet in the middle somewhere and compromise, but obviously that didn’t work so I just stopped watching him. She sometimes throws things in my face about what i said when the baby was first born I told her that I would help her for 4 weeks and help her settle in. But she took that and ran a whole mile w it. Now I’m not saying I will never babysit but I won’t do it at a drop of a dime every single time.
So… AITA?
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So the title sounds worse than it is, I promise.
My sister asked me if I could watch my nephew for like 30 minutes so she could wash and blow-dry her hair. I (half-jokingly) said no, and she did not take it well. It turned into this whole argument about how I “never want to help” and how she “can never count on me.” She got defensive real fast and said she’d just keep him in her room and never ask me again.
Now for context, I used to help her a lot. I love my nephew, but lately I’ve pulled back from babysitting because she’s been real disrespectful with her tone and doesn’t respect my space or time—especially just because I don’t have a job right now. Like… just because I’m not working doesn’t mean I’m automatically available on demand?
I told her, “I definitely can watch him—I just don’t want to.” Which, yeah, might’ve struck a nerve, but I stand by it. There’s a difference between can’t and won’t, and honestly, I needed to draw the line.
Now she’s throwing vague Facebook posts, and I’m just over here sipping my water, wondering if I was really that out of pocket.
Now mind you I’ve tried to work it out w my sister and I brought up multiple times on how we can meet in the middle somewhere and compromise, but obviously that didn’t work so I just stopped watching him. She sometimes throws things in my face about what i said when the baby was first born I told her that I would help her for 4 weeks and help her settle in. But she took that and ran a whole mile w it. Now I’m not saying I will never babysit but I won’t do it at a drop of a dime every single time.
So… AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Interpersonal conflict:
The conflict is between me and my sister. She asked me to watch her baby for about 30 minutes so she could wash and blow-dry her hair. I told her no—partly in a sarcastic tone—and added later, “I definitely can watch him, I just don’t want to.” She took that personally and said I never help her, which led to a tense exchange.
Why I might be the asshole:
Even though I feel justified—she’s been disrespectful to me lately and tends to dismiss my time and feelings just because I’m not currently working—I recognize that my delivery might’ve come off cold or inconsiderate, especially if she’s feeling overwhelmed. I didn’t want to be petty or hurtful, but I also wanted to be honest about my boundaries. I’m wondering if the way I handled it makes me the asshole here.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA and you’re a thousand percent correct. It’s not that you didn’t want to help. It’s the expectation that this is your obligation, your duty.
Asking it as a favor is one thing. Demanding it, then bashing you when you can’t or won’t is unacceptable. Too many people just use others without a single thought to that person’s rights to their own lives and time. It’s sickening.
The straw that broke the camel’s back (and should have…by all means) is her taking you for granted and starting to use that tone and behavior with you. We all know the exact tone too. That “you’re beneath me and are my servant” tone.
I’m assuming you would’ve watched him for just those 30 mins as you said it was half jokingly?
Obviously you do need boundaries and ensure they are respected. Just because you’re not in work right now doesn’t mean your time is available to anyone else who demands it or requests it and they shouldn’t feel as though they are entitled to it.
Perhaps phrasing it as “I can watch him, I just don’t want to” was probably a bit too blunt, but equally if you feel as though she’s been taking advantage, it is understandable. Equally it is understandable that she’s stressed and perhaps feeling overwhelmed and maybe that’s why she’s reacting the way she is?
NTA, perhaps another conversation should be had where you establish your boundaries again but in a calm manner. Is this going to be possible or do you think your sister will react negatively from the go?
in my personal experience, baby owners are very self centered. always complaining about how much of a chore it is to look after their seed. if you can’t handle it, you shouldn’t have had it. just got my 4th abortion a month ago and couldn’t be happier. NOT the asshole.
Yeah… sometimes with a tiny amount of effort we can be of help to people around us and it really does not matter if we ‘want to’. Adults sometimes do things they might not want to. They are grown up and not driven by only what they want-want-want.
Then again if you are basically the free default babysitter, and you get passive-aggressive remarks if you are not available always for everything … that’s an a h move as well.
It’d say ESH here. You are pushing each others irritation buttons and it’s not making anyone feel better.
YTA. Your sister doesn’t have time to wash her hair properly and you are bragging about how you could help her, but don’t want to? Yeah, you are the AH and you know it. You can set boundaries and be an adult too. This is silly teenage shit.
NTA
At all. I don’t know why you prefaced it by saying I know the title sounds worse than it is.
She can ask you to watch her baby and you can say no. Pretty simple🤷
Info:
What’s your living situation? If you’re in the house while she’s taking a shower I assume you live in the same house? Whose house? Who is paying the bills?
NTA not your kid, not your problem
NTA. If your sister needs help, she needs to treat you with respect.
NTA based on the information you have provided. No one is entitled to your time. And the fact that she has been disrespectful and dismissive of you, strengthens your position.
I think it would’ve been helpful if you had provided a little more information. The two of you sound very young and I made the assumption that you two still live with your parents. You don’t mention the baby’s father which leads me to believe he is not in the picture or not helpful in any practical sense.
This still does not change my not the asshole judgment but might shed some light on your sister’s behavior.
YTA
I would be THRILLED to watch my nephew more often and I never get to because his grandparents also live nearby and always do. I’m jealous.
And your sister needed your help so she could just have 30 minutes to wash her hair and you wouldn’t help her?
It’s one thing if you can’t help sometimes, especially if it might interfere with looking for a job or something, but while you have this time, you could choose to look at it as a blessing and yes, maybe also a responsibility. You don’t think you owe that to your family, while you have this current flexibility? I’m not talking every second of free time you have, but come on? 30 minutes?
Yeah maybe your sister is being a jerk too, and maybe you need to have another conversation with her about it, but think about your nephew and being there for him too. Think about the relationship you want to build with him.
My aunt is one of my best friends and as an adult I’ve gotten to have a very close relationship with her, one on one, and it’s so special to me. My nephew is my favorite little guy on the planet and I can’t wait to spend more time with him and see how he grows up.
I think you might just need to change your perspective a bit, and maybe grow up a little but too.
There’s some details you haven’t mentioned which would make the difference to if YTA or not.
It sounds like you are living in the same house? Whose house is it? Who is paying the bills while you are not working? How often is she asking for half an hour?
Oh, no. It sounds like dear ol’ Sis has come down with a bad case of Entitlementitis. Not an uncommon disorder these days, and has been known to sometimes strike postpartum. Sis is showing some classic symptoms: feeling entitled to someone else’s free labor; reacting in a mixture of shock, hurt and absolutely livid defiance at the mere mention of a boundary being put into place; hatred of anything that doesn’t exist solely and immediately to benefit her; the reflexive acts of manipulation, insults and guilt-tripping when denied…oh, yeah. She’s got it bad.
Sadly, you cannot force her to get the disorder cured, as only she can decide whether or not to continue to let it destroy her relationships and reputation, which is what eventually tends to happen when Entitlementitis goes untreated. All you can do is take steps to quarantine yourself from the afflicted person as much as possible until such time as they come to their damn senses…and be prepared in case that day just never comes. It’s a pernicious condition.
All joking aside: you are most definitely NTA. But neither are the kid involved. So try to be a calm, kind presence in his life as much as you feel comfortable doing (and of course, what she’ll permit). Your sister’s behavior has a pretty good chance of negatively impacting his own relationships and self-image as he grows. Having someone in their lives who A) believes them, B) knows their mom can be a colossal jerkwad; and C) is willing to listen to them could make all the difference in the world. You’re not obligated, of course–this is your sister’s kid to raise, not yours. But it would be what my kiddo would call a mitzvah, a blessing.
Good luck…to all of you. 🍀
Well relationships work in weird ways ..you could help your sister out but you don’t want to. And are choosing not to. After you said you would. So YTA.
OP’s sister (as many new parents) seems to consider that the baby is hers in the sense that she gets to make every decision regarding the baby, but everyone surrounding her should share the work. And it’s a thing to ask a favour (once, and nicely, because she really needs it) and a totally different kettle of fish to assume that other people, as OP, have to be at her beck and call. After all, she could take the baby with her, she didn’t need OP. Yes, I know it’s far more comfortable to have a shower and do your hair without the baby there, but it’s not a necessity. When you have a baby you know lots of things are going to change and the baby becomes the center of your life – you can’t expect to use your family members as unpaid babysitters so that you can do the things you used to do.
Especially, assuming that because OP is unemployed, they are always available to her is a total A H move. Not to mention the fact that having to look after a baby lessens OP’s oppoortunities to actually find a job.
On the other hand, Idon’t know about OP’s living conditions. If she’s living with sister and refuses to help, she might well find herself homeless. Maybe the sister expected her to babysit in exchange for living there – and that would be a fair compromise, as long as they manage to set some “rules” – how long, how often…
Info.
We need the details. Do you live together? Who pays? What’s the age of the child. When you say you have been helping out, how often is that? For how long?
YTA. she didn’t ask you to watch him for hours so she could go out, it was 30mins so she could do the bare minimum to look after herself , shower and wash her hair. This wasn’t asking you to babysit, it was asking you to keep an eye on him so she could leave the room. You say your time has been disrespected but pulling this so she could shower just sounds petty
respectfully NTA, the thing with reddit is you’ll get people who talk a lot about how THEY would be happy to do it and how adults HAVE to do things they dont want to. but in all honesty, not your kid , not your problem. any other reddit thread about kids would tell you the same thing.
in my personal opinion I wouldve helped my sister, but my relationship with my sister is different from yours. I tell her no as an automatic response but she knows ill help her anyways. if shes talking to me ugly i tell her and we fix it.
also in my personal opinion you should take into consideration your sister is just stressed and needs extra support and if you are able to provide her that and want to then maybe do it?
but over with out my personal opinion, without my standards and morales , you are NTA.
Whoever is saying she is nta are deeply childfree or men
As a mom if i told my sister who i know is free abd sitting in the same home with me doing nothing that and she told somebullshit about i can but i wont and then told me i am entitled ? I would snap too
Yta she asked for 30 mins nit like 2 -3 hrs to go to salon
The time you wrote this post and read comments about it at least 30 minutes
Same time this poor woman could had her shower
Hope you have twins or triplets and wish to shower but cant
Others have asked for info regarding living situation which I think is important.
I also want to know how old your nephew is.
Asking for 30 minutes to wash hair suggests to me that nephew is still very young. In which case you wouldn’t be TA for saying no, but might be TA for the tone of the follow up comment.
YTA
I don’t understand asking if you’re the asshole and then starting off with “the title sounds worse than it is, I promise”. It’s just a post asking for someone to say not the asshole.
How old are you guys? Are you roommates, or both live with your parents? I’m needing a bit of context here, and yes maturity makes a difference.
You reference offering to help your sister for 4 weeks after birth… How long ago was that? Again, looking for more context..
But I lean to no, you’re not the asshole. You definitely have every right to stand up for yourself and not let yourself be used. You offered to come to a middle ground, now it’s up to her to meet you there.
That said, I interpersonal conflicts are more complex and especially family. So I’m wanting more info to complete a picture but you don’t owe it to me. If I’m wrong about some interpretations of your post, it tweaks my answer.
YTA. Just watch the damn baby and help your sister
Depending on your tone but i think not an A. Manipulative ppl will grab any response and accuse you if they are trying to make you uncomfortable to the point they get their way.
Things sure g jh Ave changed since I was a young mother. My husband was a conductor and if I needed to attend to personal hygiene I waited until my baby was asleep and took a 5 minute shower. If I needed to do something time consuming and baby was awake I either strapped in the stroller and parked her where I could see her or put her in a playpen where she could see me.
YTA your sister is probably an overwhelmed young mother who doesn’t even have 30 minutes in her day to wash, so of course she’s not your child, but if you really cared about your sister, you would do her this little favor, doesn’t she ask you that every day?
Unfortunately, it is because of behavior like this that the rate of postpartum depression explodes.
I’m going to tell a little about my life.
I was that mother, 2 years of almost sleepless nights, I didn’t wash for 1 week sometimes at the beginning because my child refused to sleep, and to be placed in a deckchair (he had GERD), he screamed all day, and when my husband came home, I didn’t have the strength to wash, I was getting tired.
You have to be a mother to understand that, and I hope that when it happens to you, you will understand how selfish you were for 30 minutes, and I hope that your sister will be there for you
i dont think you were bragging about it. you dont want to. that is ok.
INFO: how often do you actually watch the baby? How is your sister generally doing after birth? How involved is the father? It sounds like you live together -who owns the house/ pays for rent and living costs? How much did you help in the first few weeks and what did she expect you to do?
I think all of this info is impotence to determine whether you’re TA or your sister is actually entitled (or both)
Wtf the title is exactly as bad as it sounds. You can’t just keep an eye on the kid for a half hour? Why not?
YTA
The title doesn’t sound bad, no one HAS to help with someone else’s baby, NTA.
Where’s the father while this was happening?
YTA. It was 30 minutes while she washed. What’s wrong with you?!
“She sometimes throws things in my face about what i said when the baby was first born I told her that I would help her for 4 weeks and help her settle in”
How long ago did she have the baby? Are y’all still in those first 4 weeks you said you would help out, but you won’t even help her out so she can shower quick? Or are you on like, week 5 or 6 now? Either way YTA, but the timeline really helps determine just how much of an AH you are.
No, being unemployed doesn’t mean you’re available on demand 24/7, but if you’re busy just say “no I’m busy,” there’s no need for the whining. And even if you are busy, I highly doubt whatever you’re doing is soooo important you can’t spare 30 minutes to help out
ESH
“Her tone is disrespectful” is pretty vague and sounds grasping for validation. When in the newborn trenches it is sometimes hard to get around to even summoning the energy to take care of yourself. Every nerve is frayed. Your “half-joke” probably made her snap. And she shouldn’t have, hormones or exhaustion is still no excuse just a factor, it still makes her an a h.
You have literally all the time in the world, it wasn’t her asking you to watch the kid all night so she could go out and party. Being smarmy about how you can but don’t want to for such a measly small amount of time makes you an a h.
Put on some big person pants and talk to her calmly about how she’s making you feel. Use “I feel” statements not “you make”
Examples “I feel taken for granted” “I love my nephew and time with him. I would feel better if you let me know in advance of when you might need help instead of springing it on me suddenly with no option to compromise.” “I feel bad when I want to say no and that gives me resentful feelings, and I don’t want that to happen with us.”
NTA if she choose to have a baby she better fucking deal with it herself. People who act like their kids are anyone else’s problem are disgusting.
Esh.
Your sister is probably going through it as a new mom, and your little comment was 100% the tipping point here. Clearly, you aren’t funny to her. That being said, your sister sucks too for the way she’s reacted after the fact.
My suggestion is that you go back to work, so you aren’t seen as “available to help” 🤷🏽♀️
I completely understand! Just because you don’t work right now doesn’t mean you are at her Beck and call. You helped and she’s trying to take advantage. I wasted years taking care of my nephew and he’s 25 years old and doesn’t speak to me! Only if he wants something. It’s not worth it. Run !