I (27F) have lived with my sister (30F) for the past three years. My sister doesn’t have a lot of rental experience because she lived at home until she was 27, but i’ve been fully independent and living alone since I was 19.
Three years ago at the height of the rental shortage, I moved back to my home city from travelling abroad and my sister offered for me to move in with her. She lived with a roommate for a few months, but they went their separate ways so she was struggling with the rent on her own so I figured it benefitted the both of us. She would have cheaper rent again, and I wouldn’t have to struggle to look for a place.
Right when I moved back, I met my fiancé (23F). A year later she moved in with my sister and I, and everything has been great, but we all hate the current apartment we live in and want something new. We’ve looked for a ton of places over the past 6 months, but my sister is extremely picky. I’m talking: “one of the bedrooms is next to the kitchen, I don’t like that”.
My fiancé and I have become a bit frustrated with my sister’s pickiness and we’ve been chatting further about moving out on our own. Two weeks ago my fiancé and I gave the idea to my sister about just the two of us moving out. We told her that if we do decide to move, we will give her a 3 month notice so she is not left in the dark. My sister started crying and was begging us to stay with her. While it is nice to all live together, my sister is 30 years old and has a stable job. She should be able to make it work alone. She tells me she won’t be able to afford a place, but she refuses to get a roommate or move in with a friend.
My sister then told my fiancé and I that SHE is doing US a favour by living with us, which we both found odd because it is the opposite. My sister is not great at saving money, and my sister knows my fiancé and I both have a lot of savings. My sister also has a dog, which slims down a lot of our rental options if we were to all find a place together. My fiancé and I both feel that we are doing my sister a favour by living with her even though it is not our first choice, and by living with her, we are reducing her rent.
My family has been guilt tripping me, telling me that she is such a good sister for taking me under her wing and letting me move in when I came back from travelling, but I have been polite about this whole situation, especially proposing about moving out with a 3 month notice. I know that us living with her will help her with rent, but she is also (like i said above), a 30 year old woman with a stable job.
AITA for telling my sister I want to move out?
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I (27F) have lived with my sister (30F) for the past three years. My sister doesn’t have a lot of rental experience because she lived at home until she was 27, but i’ve been fully independent and living alone since I was 19.
Three years ago at the height of the rental shortage, I moved back to my home city from travelling abroad and my sister offered for me to move in with her. She lived with a roommate for a few months, but they went their separate ways so she was struggling with the rent on her own so I figured it benefitted the both of us. She would have cheaper rent again, and I wouldn’t have to struggle to look for a place.
Right when I moved back, I met my fiancé (23F). A year later she moved in with my sister and I, and everything has been great, but we all hate the current apartment we live in and want something new. We’ve looked for a ton of places over the past 6 months, but my sister is extremely picky. I’m talking: “one of the bedrooms is next to the kitchen, I don’t like that”.
My fiancé and I have become a bit frustrated with my sister’s pickiness and we’ve been chatting further about moving out on our own. Two weeks ago we proposed the idea to my sister about us thinking about giving her a 3 month notice on moving out so we can get our own place. My sister started crying and was begging us to stay with her, and my fiancé felt very sorry for her. While it is nice to all live together, my sister is 30 years old and has a stable job. She should be able to make it work alone. She tells me she won’t be able to afford a place, but she refuses to get a roommate or move in with a friend.
My sister then told my fiancé and I that SHE is doing US a favour by living with us, which we both found odd because it is the opposite. My sister is not great at saving money, and my sister knows my fiancé and I both have a lot of savings. My sister also has a dog, which slims down a lot of our rental options if we were to all find a place together. My fiancé and I both feel that we are doing my sister a favour by living with her even though it is not our first choice, and by living with her, we are reducing her rent.
My family has been guilt tripping me, telling me that she is such a good sister for taking me under her wing and letting me move in when I came back from travelling, but I have been polite about this whole situation, especially proposing about moving out with a 3 month notice. I know that us living with her will help her with rent, but she is also (like i said above), a 30 year old woman.
AITA for telling my sister I want to move out?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole, because she let me move in at the height of the rental shortage and now i want to leave.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Move out. You don’t want to live with your sister forever. Start your own family.
NTA.
Your sister has been codependent on you long enough.
You’re all adults. You all have the means to live independently, and it’s time you do.
You’re engaged, and you and your partner shouldn’t be expected to live with your sister indefinitely because she doesn’t want to live alone and refuses to get a roommate.
Honestly, it sounds like your sister could use a bit of counseling.
Don’t limit your life to keep her feeling comfortable.
Good luck.
NTA
IF you still are open to living with her, you can present one of the apartment options that she previously rejected but that satisfies the pet/space/rental budget, etc. criteria. Tell her that if she wants to move there with you, she has until X date to say so. Otherwise, you and fiance will be getting a place of your own. (It’s an option although I’m not sure you really want to keep sharing with her.)
Or just tell her and the rest of the family that you don’t need whatever favor they believe she is doing for you. She is off the hook! You and fiance will move out on X date.
Then move forward with your decision.
NTA
The way she and the family are digging in would raise my hackles and make me more determined to get away from her
NTA. You and your partner want to move out, your sister needs to deal with it.
Next time the family guilt trip you, ask them if they expect you to live with your sister your entire life? Supposedly you are sharing a 2 bed apartment, so could she afford a one bed by herself? Do not be guilted into giving up your life for hers.
NTA. Your family is enabling your sister not to grow. I know it’s hard to see our loved ones tears and I say this with kindness – but when they’re using their tears to manipulate or control us, we have to yank the bandaid off. There’s a pot of gold on the other side of your sister’s fears – but your job is now to simply honour your boundaries and don’t cowtow to those who wish to break them. Regardless of living situations, your fiancee and you are probably due some time alone.
NTA. Three months is a lot of notice. And there’s no reason you shouldn’t move to wherever you want. She’s a grown-up, she’ll find her own way.
> My sister then told my fiancé and I that SHE is doing US a favour by living with us
“We won’t impose on your generosity anymore. We don’t want you to feel like you have to keep doing us a ‘favour.’”
NTA
U can’t live with her forever ur going to eventually get married possibly have kids she just going to stay with u
What if she meets someone?
U are giving her notice ur family clearly dont want her bk at home so they are guilt tripping you ignore and look for u two
NTA so what you’re obligated to live with her forever?!?! No she’s a big girl and you are straying your life with your SO. This is the appropriate time to move out.
NTA. You can’t live with your sister your whole life. Eventually you will get married and start a family and have your own space. You need to go your separate ways.
Cut the cord get an apartment that doesn’t take pets. Don’t take her on anymore searches. Don’t renew the lease.
NTA. .
So what you get married and decide to start a family you have to stay with your sister . No F that for a game ofaf cards.tell your sister you both decided it’s time to take the next step in your relationship and explain the three months. Is more than enough time to find a roommate.
NTA.
Your sister DID do you a favor by allowing you to move into an apartment she had rented originally. You should definitely thank her for that and realize this was a big ask for anyone.
Now your situation has changed dramatically: new engagement, future plans, building a life together as a couple. It is definitely the right time and right reason to move into your own place.
You never planned to live with her forever and the odds are it was going to happen one day. You aren’t going to fulfill that TV trope of spinners sisters together forever!
Your sister will now be facing changes she wasn’t expecting and did not plan on. There is going to be a bit of grieving time for loss of the friendship you’ve built by living together and she may need to grieve that loss for a bit.
Since your future is looking awesome as you focus on your relationship, please do her a favor by not insisting on her acknowledgement of all you’ve done for her. She doesn’t seem likely to get that.
The real problem is your sister is codependent. She’s frightened of living on her own and she doesn’t want to get another roommate because she knows they won’t be tolerant of her. I will give your sister five months to find a roommate.. or better yet you find one for her. You should be out on your own with your fiance now
NTA. Lived at home until 27? This sounds like family is trying to make the older sister they raised to be co-dependent your problem.
Updateme
NTA.
While it was nice of her to take you in, that doesn’t mean you have to live with her for the rest of your life. (It could mean returning the favour if she ever falls on hard times, that would be a more fair comparison).
And you tried to move with her, but she’s making the process too difficult. (Renters with dogs can definitely not be that choosy).
Plus if you want to move forward as a family unit with your fiancée than it totally makes sense you two have your own place.
Your sister might also be lonely, doesn’t sound like she’s got many people apart from you 2. You could totally offer that you keep hanging out with her as often as you can for example, if that’s something you would like to do. But that too isn’t your responsibility, it’s your sisters. She is also responsible for finding a way to handle money better, if that’s an area she’s struggling with. And if she needs a roomate, she has to look for a roomate. Many adults have to nowadays. It sucks, but it’s better than being homeless.
I totally think you should give her enough notice to find a roomate though. 3 months sounds reasonable.
Tell those family members to move in with her or move her in with them. It’s not your job to be her scapegoat for the rest of her grown azz life. NTA
Get her into talk therapy NOW!
Also, financial counseling.
NTA.
If your family cares so much about her, they can help her find a cheaper place, find another family member to move in, or throw money at her to help her make rent.
Being so picky about a bedroom sharing a wall with the kitchen when it doesn’t have to be her room is wildly picky. She shot herself in the foot.