I (27F) got married to my Husband (28M) a year ago. We have been together for 13 years in total, and have been trying to conceive for nearly a year. Unfortunately, I have been receiving bad new from doctors for almost the whole duration of this process, as I have a medical condition which can make it very difficult to conceive.
A few months ago my sister (24F) announced her pregnancy, around the same time I was having doctor’s appointment to combat my own infertility and receiving negative feedback. I told her I was happy for her (and I am) but she was not happy with the amount of enthusiasm I had for the situation, so she went to our mother and told on me. I went straight to her afterward. And in an attempt to mitigate the situation, told her what my husband and I were going through, hoping she would understand and know its not her, we just have our own things we are going through and I was finding it hard to get excited for her when I am struggling myself, and I do admit I was having a hard time swallowing her news and was aware my reaction was off.
Days later she sent me a tiktok video making light of my condition (I beleive to try and make me feel better) but when I didnt react the way she expected she yelled at me and told me ‘its not that serious’. She said that I was being unsupportive of her because I had not been asking her how she is doing and how the pregnancy is going (aside from her pregnancy we never ask each other these questions). She told me ‘jealousy is the thief of joy’ and to ‘let her know when I was ready to be supportive’ and until then she was no longer speaking to me.
It is important to note that I was purposely withholding the information regarding my infertility issues from the rest of my family and only told my sister what we were going through as an act of good faith and to try and save our relationship, as she decided to tell the entire family about my infertility struggles.
Since then I have been avoiding my whole family, and I feel really guilty because I know its not their fault, but looking my mother in the eyes knowing she knows everything I was not ready to share makes me want to throw up. I have missed several family gatherings as well as my 13yr old brothers birthday but I just dont know how to cope.
Fast forward to today, just weeks before her baby shower (that she invites my husband to, but not me) and I am still up at night thinking about how I could have navigated to situation differently. Could I have handled it better? Am I the asshole for not being there for her as much as she wanted even though she had a giant support group already? Am I the asshole for distancing myself from the rest of my family? How do I get over this loss of control and find the courage to speak to them again? I dont want to break my mother’s heart but I also can’t stomach the conversations and total disregard of my privacy. Should I still send my sister a shower gift?
EDIT: I have spoken to my mom about things (not of my own accord) as she was the one who reached out to me and how I found out my sister shared my information. My mom has been adamant that she refuses to pick sides and thinks I’m being childish for not working things out with my sister, though I have let her know that I have tried and my sister is giving me the silent treatment. I stopped reaching out to my sister as I was just talking to a wall. đ
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I (27F) got married to my Husband (28M) a year ago. We have been together for 13 years in total, and have been trying to conceive for nearly a year. Unfortunately, I have been receiving bad new from doctors for almost the whole duration of this process, as I have a medical condition which can make it very difficult to conceive. A few months ago my sister (24F) announced her pregnancy, around the same time I was having doctor’s appointment to combat my own infertility and receiving negative feedback. I told her I was happy for her (and I am) but she was not happy with the amount of enthusiasm I had for the situation, so she went to our mother and told on me. I went straight to her afterward. And in an attempt to mitigate the situation, told her what my husband and I were going through, hoping she would understand and know its not her, we just have our own things we are going through and I was finding it hard to get excited for her when I am struggling myself, and I do admit I was having a hard time swallowing her news and was aware my reaction was off.
Days later she sent me a tiktok video making light of my condition (I beleive to try and make me feel better) but when I didnt react the way she expected she yelled at me and told me ‘its not that serious’. She said that I was being unsupportive of her because I had not been asking her how she is doing and how the pregnancy is going (aside from her pregnancy we never ask each other these questions). She told me ‘jealousy is the thief of joy’ and to ‘let her know when I was ready to be supportive’ and until then she was no longer speaking to me.
It is important to note that I was purposely withholding the information regarding my infertility issues from the rest of my family and only told my sister what we were going through as an act of good faith and to try and save our relationship, as she decided to tell the entire family about my infertility struggles.
Since then I have been avoiding my whole family, and I feel really guilty because I know its not their fault, but looking my mother in the eyes knowing she knows everything I was not ready to share makes me want to throw up. I have missed several family gatherings as well as my 13yr old brothers birthday but I just dont know how to cope.
Fast forward to today, just weeks before her baby shower (that she invites my husband to, but not me) and I am still up at night thinking about how I could have navigated to situation differently. Could I have handled it better? Am I the asshole for not being there for her as much as she wanted even though she had a giant support group already? Am I the asshole for distancing myself from the rest of my family? How do I get over this loss of control and find the courage to speak to them again? I dont want to break my mother’s heart but I also can’t stomach the conversations and total disregard of my privacy. Should I still send my sister a shower gift?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I told my sister I was struggling to be excited for her regarding her pregnancy and have been distancing myself from my family due to the conflict with her and (2) I’m unsure if my reactions are warranted and how to fix the rift I may have caused.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
No, youâre not the asshole. you were honest about why it was hard to be overly excited, and you even trusted her with something personal so she would understand. She then responds by minimizing your pain, making jokes about your condition, and blasting your private business to the family. Thatâs not supportive, thatâs cruel.
NTA at all, wow. Your sister is insensitive and entitled.
NTA. I can completely empathize with your situation as someone with PCOS who is having a difficult time conceiving after five years of marriage. I am so happy for my friends and family as they start their families but I cry every single time. It is perfectly normal to have your issues muddy the experience of being happy for someone else. You also should have been able to come to her and confide that information without her spreading your medical history with other people before you are ready to do so.
She ran to your mom and “told on you” how blinking old is she?? Just because you didn’t have enough enthusiasm?! Jeez
Nta
You were supportive, she isnât. You considered how her feelings were affected by your subdued reaction and apologized and offered clarifying information on why it was your reaction. She mocked you on social media and outed personal pain to others without consent. In what way would distancing yourself make you a bad guy? Also snubbing you while inviting your spouse is just petty tacky behavior, focus on you believe me she has herself covered.
nta at ALL. first of all, i’m so sorry you’re struggling with conceiving and i hope the best for you. your sister is out of line. has she always been this selfish and cruel? she sounds like a brat and i personally wouldn’t want anything to do with her.
Your sister needs to grow up, running to mommy because you didn’t fawn all over her.Â
Where’s your attention for the suffering you are going through. I’d go LC to NC for a while  to allow yourself to deal with everything.Â
So I may be the odd one out here. But Iâve dealt with this exact same issue w my own sister. She is infertile and I have a 9 yr old son. All my other siblings have children too. She had a miscarriage around the same time I got pregnant. She has never gotten over it. Every birthday, every holiday, she has managed to skip or leave early because she gets sad around our children. Weâve also been asked to not share pictures of our children in the group chat. This has caused a huge riff because we feel like we have to walk on eggshells around her simply because weâre parents. Now we do understand that she needs our sympathy so weâve tried to be patient. But after years of doctors telling her she is 100% unable to conceive, after years of therapy, after years of refusing to adopt, and after an incident of theft for medical treatment, weâve basically given up hope that sheâll ever come around. I have never suffered a miscarriage so idk how devastating that feels. But it is also devastating when your kid is growing up and you feel like you have to withhold his life from your sister just because itâll ruin her day. My family and I feel like after being told that she canât conceive along with her refusal to adopt, then she needs to find other healthy ways to cope. And continually trying and losing money for treatment is just digging herself a deeper hole and itâs driving everyone else further away from her.
As someone whoâs been through a similar situation – Iâd say NTA.
Youâre allowed to be happy for her and yet still hurt for yourself. You opened up to her and your family about your difficulties and still gave her congratulations despite your own heartaches.
You do not have to be throwing a party for her to show your support, and yes while you can ask how her pregnancy is going, you are in no way obligated to if thatâs what you need to do to protect yourself from further pain.
It is hard to distance yourself from family in this sort of situation, but support works on both sides. Have they told your sister to remember your own struggles and might not need her shoving everything about her pregnancy in your face? Have they reminded her that you still love her but this will understandably be extremely painful for you as well, and you will come back in your own time? I imagine not, as the excitement of a new baby will have swept everyone up into a level of delirium and as they havenât struggled as you have, there wonât be that understanding either.
Stay strong; the ones who matter will continue to support you and will help you through this time, and from one want-to-be-Mama to another, I send you all the love an internet stranger can send. It will continue to hurt for a long time, but youâre not doing this to be malicious to your sister, youâre doing this to heal as you would a broken bone. It will take time, but you will get there.
NTA but if your looking at how you could’ve avoided the situation of not being invited, avoiding family gatherings was a mistake. You’ve made it seem like you’ve got a problem with everyone and not just your sister and its inadvertently affecting your brother. Avoiding it kinda makes it look like your seething with jealousy and can’t stand being in the same room which isn’t what you’re intending but its hard to seem like you care when you’re not present
NTA. Honestly, your sister sounds like an entitled selfish brat who’d play the “hormones talking” card if you’d confront her about it. Maybe try if I’m right about that? Her proving me wrong would be the best way to salvage your relationship, if you’re willing to roll the dice.
NTA, your sister lacks basic decency and empathy. She could and should have navigated this differently. Despite the tough time you are going through, you have been honest and gracious with her. Plus, she told your family your very personal and private business. It is ok for you to feel the way you feel. Be gentle with yourself, and I wish you all the best.
NTA. You sister is a massive AH for this. Has she always been this manipulative? I usually look for red flags in a post. A 24 yo running to mommy when she doesn’t get her way is a major red flag in a relationship.
Distance yourself from your sister, she’s manipulative and simply wants you to act like the version of you that she wants, not the version of you that actually exists. Find some therapy to deal with your reaction to your medical issues. Your reaction is crippling your social life and damaging your relationships. Yes, this should be private. Your manipulative sis used it as ammunition. That horse has left the barn. Now you are left to deal with the consequences and a therapist can help organize your thoughts and feelings and come up with a plan to move forward.
Finally, set boundaries with sis. She needs them.
NTA
Your sister should be asking if she is the AH for spreading your business without permission and cutting you off for lack of support for her pregnancy while you are struggling (and could maybe use some support yourself) with infertility. Inviting your husband to the shower was particularly petty.
I would have a talk with your mom privately, since it sounds like you distanced yourself before you could tell your side of the story. You should not miss family events because she is there; I understand feeling embarrassed that your personal medical information was used as gossip but please know most people understand that infertility is a big deal and not something to be ashamed of. You were not invited to the shower, so I would not send a gift.
Wishing you peace and baby dust.
NTA. It sounds like you’re really doing your best in a hard situation. Your sister is behaving immaturely by tattling to your mom, dismissing your health condition, and sharing your private medical information with everyone. It’s pretty hypocritical and entitled for her to demand your support for her pregnancy while offering you no meaningful support in your struggle with infertility.
My advice would be to focus on your own support right now. If your relationship with your mom is generally good but a direct conversation feels too vulnerable, could you send her a message? Here’s a script you can use but of course you can change it however you need so it feels comfortable.
“Hey mom, I know I’ve missed some family events lately. I miss you all and I don’t want to just disappear but I’ve really been having a hard time emotionally lately with the idea that everyone knows about my medical issues with fertility. It’s very private for me and I just wasn’t ready to talk about it, and now I’m worried that people will ask me questions and I’ll have to explain. It’s a pretty painful subject for me at the moment and if I see family I need know I can relax and enjoy everyone’s company without answering too many questions. Do you think you can help me with that and maybe let people know that it’s not something I’m ready to talk about?”
As for the baby shower, if you’re open to reconciliation with your sister at some point I think it’s nice to send a gift and your warm wishes. She doesn’t exactly deserve it right now with her behavior, but it’s a gracious gesture and I don’t think you’ll regret it.
I also want to add that if you don’t feel like you have a strong support network, you might consider seeing a therapist while you go through all this. It can really help to feel like you have someone on your side as you navigate infertility and complicated family dynamics.
NTA. Your sister sounds like an entitled arsehole whose head is so far up her own arse, she can kiss her own tonsils goodnight…
Instead of being empathetic, she’s decided to be selfish, petty and heartless about your own fertility issues all because you’re not paying her enough attention.
Perhaps you should open up to your mother about this, after all if it’s good enough for the goose, it’s good enough for the gander.
NTA, she says you’re not being supportive, but what is she being to you?
I’m infertile and went through a long 10 year journey to have my baby. So I sympathize for sure.
What I will encourage you to do is to eventually make amends and stop avoiding family get togethers though. Not for your sister, but for you.
Infertility is isolating, with every pregnancy announcement or question/conversation about kids it gets harder. It’s tough. But supoort can make a difference.
When you do eventually get pregnant, do you want your whole family to be strangers? Do you want your mom to not be able to support and celebrate you because you haven’t seen them in years (potentially)?
Keep telling your sister your boundaries though and take some space if you need to. But long-term your family should be there for you. Good luck!
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NTA, your sister has made an incredibly selfish power play here. Take it from someone who knows, you need to try to take some of the control back. Right now it’s just her spreading your information, telling the story the way she wants to. The best way to counter this is to talk about it.
It’s going to be hard, and I’m sorry for that. But I’d try to talk to your mom first about things. Not just your health journey, but about your sister and how she’s been treating you and how it’s straining your relationship. There may not be any recovery for it between you and your sister but please don’t let her ruin your relationship with the rest of your family. That’s giving her way too much control over you.
Absolutely a hard situation for sure. The only thing I would say is that now your family know is it an opportunity for you to use them for support? A family gathering is maybe a bit too intense i agree but could you meet up with your mum or an aunt or something and talk it through? If not in detail then enough to clear the air with the rest of your family so you can feel comfortable going to gatherings etc? Its a shame you are missing out when you have done nothing wrong and no reason to feel shame/awkward. As for your sister, there is an innocent unborn child who sounds like they could use you in their life with a mother like that! Maybe have a think about what that looks like for you and the role you want to play in their young life? After all being an aunty is all the cute good stuff about having a baby with being able to give them back. I know that sounds like a cliche but it’s absolutely true. My little niece and nephew keep me going on a regular basis even though I don’t have (very much wanted) kids myself. I think siblings having kids is hard when you are childless but it can either intensify the pain or ease it depending on your mindset. I just try to see the positives. I’ll admit I don’t always succeed, we all have bad days, but the kids have brought an immense amout of joy to my life and my relationship with my sibling and his wife has grown stronger through it all too. I hope that happens for you! Hopefully they will have a little cousin to play with soon too, you absolutely can’t predict the future!
NTA. It seems like she wants to be the main character in your story. Sheâs happy about her own pregnancy, therefore you must also be happy. Your struggles diminish her happiness, so they should be disregarded.
Youâre both allowed to star in your own story â yes, sheâs happy and deserves to have her happiness celebrated.
But you also deserve to be able to experience and manage your own hardships surrounding your fertility in the way that is best for you. You arenât stealing her joy if you need to carve out some solitude for yourself in order to take care of your own heart.
Iâve miscarried and struggled to conceive⊠this is one of those things where, if you know, you know. I know Iâm an internet stranger, but I do hope things work out for you.
NTA your sister is disgustingly insensitive.
Going against the grain and saying YTA. Itâs very difficult to cast our own feelings aside but thatâs very unfair of you. Youâre struggling to get pregnant has nothing to do with your sister. She didnât do anything to you. Sheâs not causing your infertility. No one knew about your infertility problems so you decided to hide it, how was she supposed to know that sharing her good news with you would spoil her happiness??? Are you going to resent her and your niece/nephew for the rest of your life??? Are you going to not have a relationship just because of your own jealousy? In some ways, what if this baby were your only chance to be around a baby? Itâs not yours but you still have the chance to love on a totally sweet, adorable child and yet youâre in self pity mode. I know thatâs harsh but itâs true. Youâre putting a divide in your family – so if you become pregnant, will they even be around to be supportive of you? You missed your brotherâs birthday? Seriously. What did your brother do wrong???
You are TA. I wouldnât celebrate your pregnancy, if it happens, if I were your sister.
Without having the detail of what your reaction to the news of her pregnancy really was, this is NTA for me. It’s incredibly sad to me that, in your sister’s time of joy, she cannot find some room in her heart and mind for sympathy and patience with you, and understanding that one person’s joy does not equate to another person’s joy, it might equate to conflicting feelings of pain interwoven with happiness. What you’re feeling is very human and normal. Your sister sounds like someone who will use her pregnancy – and probably other circumstances – to make demands and be the main character. Some part of her is probably annoyed that you have a reason to be anything other than reveling in her special news.
Cutting you off over it is incredibly hurtful and mean. Spreading your private health information was beyond the pale. Inviting your husband to her shower is petty and passive aggressive.
I suspect this situation did not come out of the blue for you. Has she always had a penchant for main character syndrome?
Ok, that’s a lot to be dealing with.
You’re NTA, your feelings are just as valid as anyone else’s.
I can’t say why your sister is behaving the way she is, but only that it’s not fair to expect that of you. I would have done the same thing in explaining my reasons for maybe not being as excited as she expected, but she has thrown that in your face by telling your family and trying to make fun of your situation.
You don’t need to do anything for your sister, she is a grown up and will be just fine without your baby shower gift – which you do not have to buy.
Do speak to your mum, if for no other reason than to get her support. Too often when we’re dealing with real life issues, we keep it to ourselves because we don’t want to bother anyone else, but you need support – everyone does. Your mum might be the perfect person to open up to right now, she could try and mitigate some of your sister’s selfishness, or maybe speak to the rest of the family so that you’re not put in the awkward positions that you are trying to avoid.
What does your husband think? Is he supportive?
NTA. Your sister is behaving like a child. Hopefully she gains some maturity before the baby comes.
As someone who also struggled with infertility, I think you handled her announcement and the subsequent discussion with a lot of grace.
I would have your husband decline his invitation and suggest that you send them a nice gift and a message expressing your excitement to meet your nibling. At this point it’s really about supporting the new child entering the family and not giving in to your sister’s petty BS.
NTA. Your sister is being an asshole because she wants you to react the way SHE wants you to. You’re allowed to have your own emotions. She also spread your very personal information around. That’s not very kind or supportive of HER.
Get into therapy, talk this through with a professional. It’s pretty clear you sister is being VERY self-centered around this and all you can do is learn to manage your responses around her. Your mom is also being an AH because if she’s “not taking sides” but calling you childish (but not your sister) IS very much picking a side.
Sorry but your mom has clearly picked a side. I think you should consider going to therapy for some of this, it’s a lot to manage on your own and without the support of your family. I’m sorry you’re experiencing these fertility issues.Â
I’d maintain the silence with your family. Her actions and your mom’s response scream golden child to me. Those dynamics are hard to break and it’s easier to not be impacted by them if you go low contact. Your sister has absolutely no right to demand you feel any type of way about her pregnancy. She cannot control your emotions and your family is crazy for backing her up in this and not putting a stop to it. She sounds like a dictator, it’s delusional to try and make people feel things they don’t and can’t feel. You’re allowed to have feelings about this, and you didn’t make it her problem either when you explained what’s happening with you. She’s making it your problem though, and she doesn’t care. Let her have her silence.Â
NTA
Your sisterâs behavior is completely insensitive & selfish. Has she been coddled like this her whole life? You should consider distancing yourself from her since she expects everyone to fawn all over her constantly.
đ«¶đŒ Your mom and sisters are being selfish because they are thinking of how your behaviour affects them but not the other way aroundâŠ
Maturity is seeing and acknowledging both sides and being respectful of that.
Also ânot takingâ sides is taking a side, itâs saying that I see one person being hurt by another but I donât want to take responsibility by speaking up and saying what I believe.
Definitely not the AH. But your sister sounds like a child, and a very inconsiderate one at that. Iâm so sorry you are going through this.
I also suffer from infertility, so I know how hard it is. You really are happy for others, but at the same time it feels unfair itâs so makes you feel like itâs never gonna happen to you so the enthusiasm can be hard to muster.
This post reminds me of how I am grateful for my sis who is also 3 years younger than me.. when IVF with my own eggs failed for me, she actually offered to help me by donating her eggs. Thatâs how we now have our 1-year old son
NTA I am sorry for your struggle.
I would advice you to not concentrate on what you should’ve could’ve done, but on what you want to do now. Do you want to distance yourself from your family or are you doing it out of spite or shame? Do you want to send your sister a gift? Do you want to talk to your mother again? Do you want to “be there” for your sister? Because you can choose to do or not do any of those things without being an asshole.
If you want to talk to your family but not about your medical issues, you can send them a message saying you are aware they have heard from your sister about a private matter you had wished to keep private for a while longer and that when you meet next, you ask no one to mention it unless you initiate.
I don’t have any advice because I don’t navigate these things as well as I wish I could either. I just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re going through this and you’re not alone. You have a right to your feelings and to your desire for support.
NTA. Clearly your sister is the favorite. A real mother would tell your sister to get a grip. Telling you that she isnât picking sides, yet in the next breath calling you childish is not the same thing.
NTA but your sister is. Tell her she grossed several boundarys be telling on you to your family after you tried to connect. And you are done with her attetude until she is ready t appologice.