So my (29F) sister (32F) is getting married this fall and recently announced her wedding will be completely childfree. No exceptions. I was surprised, but respected it until I realized it includes my husband (34M).
Here’s the deal: My husband is autistic and, while high-functioning, he can struggle with loud social settings. He’s gentle, kind, quiet, and tends to stick close to me in big groups. My sister knows this and has always been understanding… until now.
Her logic is that he’s “socially awkward,” and she wants a “vibe” at her wedding that’s “fun and high-energy,” and fears he might “make guests uncomfortable.” Her exact words. That hit hard.
I told her that if my husband isn’t welcome, I won’t attend either. She accused me of being dramatic and said I’m choosing him over her “once-in-a-lifetime moment.” I told her yes—if you’re excluding someone I love based on how well they fit your aesthetic, I can’t support that.
Now my parents are involved, and while they think she’s being harsh, they also say “it’s her day” and I should just go for “family unity.” My husband says he understands if I go without him but he looked so hurt when he said it.
AITA for refusing to attend my sister’s wedding?
Comments
Reads like fake chat gpt
NTA. As the saying goes, it’s an invitation not a summons.
Don’t go. Don’t even get her a gift. NTA.
NTA. Your sister is using ‘childfree’ as cover for discriminating against your husband’s autism.
”Sorry that I can not attend. You excluding my husband made me so childishly mad I reckon the child-free rules me out.”
NTA. Your husband trumps your sister (or should imo) in the list of prioritized people. You vowed that to him.
She’s also being super ableist dude, and it’s really not cute. Maybe everyone needs a serious rant about how bullshit this is; your parents included. They’re all being horrible to your husband. He is not a child, and he should not be treated like one because of his autism.
Your sister sounds like a monster. You and your husband should both sit it out.
“I am going for family unity. My husband is my family. And I choose him, my family, every time. If you ask me to choose I won’t choose you.” Is the only response to that. Nta.
“OF COURSE I put my husband ahead of ANYONE because he was the one I had my “once in a life time moment” with. That’s the point of the whole thing.”
NTA
NTA. Please don’t go and if asked later by attendees, be honest about why.
Her discrimmination is not ok and your parents should not be going along with it.
NTA. Your family is though.
NTA, but your sister is.
Uhh, please ask your family if “family unity” means you and your husband because that’s YOUR family. Your sister is being cruel. If you were to go you would be unhappy without your husband so you’d ruin her fun vibe anyway. Tell your sister you’ll watch for pics on her social media. You and your husband should take a special fun day trip on her wedding day and please post lots of pics.
She wants to put vibe over family. Tell her that goes against your family values.
NTA
If your sister doesn’t understand you sticking with your spouse, I question whether she’s ready to get married.
Oh HELL no! You aren’t the AH, but your sister and the rest of the family that supports her definitely are. They are all Level 100 AH. I wouldn’t go either, nor would I provide any gifts. The level of cold, callous judgment that it took for her to say that is disgusting. What’s even sadder is that this is how they’ve felt about your DH all this time and for me that would be an instant low contact decision.
umm I’d ask my mother, are you sure you snd dad are young enough for the fun vibe? and for heavens sake don’t let in any grandparents either they’d ruin evrything cuz they are hard of hearing. mom tell sis to set a clear description for fun,mcorrect looking peop,e that can attend since it’s such a superficial event she can’t share it with her ow b.i.l. I’d plan a nice fun day for your your husband and kids fling what you like to do together!!
my family pulled me put of a hospital bed against medical advice be ause they wee SO sure inwas being dramatic. I had several kidney stones removed. so I hot yo this big event, and only my 88 yr old Grandad spoke to me, so he and I hung together. parents bride groom all ignored me.,I found have stayed in hospital and missed nothing.
I would be done with my sister under her terms. This is insane. She sounds like someone who will eventually drive everyone out of her life.
Just tell her you don’t have a baby sitter and can’t make it because of her rules
NTA – your sister isn’t choosing family unity here. In years to come you’ll be glad you chose your husband.
NTA
I’ve said it many times and will say it many more… Forsaking all others isn’t just intimacy. It means you put your spouse first unless they are being unrealistic or harmful. Your husband is not being either. Your sister, on the other hand, seems to not understand that she is creating a family, just like you have done and you are choosing your created family, just like she will hopefully do in the future.
NTA. Not being dramatic. Not over reacting. Your family is being cruel. I would not go without my spouse. Nope.
NTA
Spouses before louses!
By her logic, she shouldn’t attend for being childish…… I side with you. Stand tall for which you believe in.
NTA…. You are not being dramatic. It is HER moment that might not include you. She is learning that her actions have consequences. If she doesn’t want to invite your husband then she will not have her sister at her wedding. My brother was high functioning autistic and struggled in social settings but managed to go to our other sibling’s weddings. I am sorry but does she have any aunts, uncles, or grandparents who are invited because I don’t see these people being on their feet partying the night away.
Plus, there’s the fact that he’s not a child.
NTA. Shame on your sister. Choosing a “vibe” over a family member outs her as a vapid woman. I wouldn’t go either. We would be done.
NTA. Your sister is being a biatch.
“Family unity” = optics. They don’t want to have to explain this one to guest. NTA
NTA your husband is your family. Your sister is a cruel person and you should adjust your relationship to that. She doesn’t respect your spouse, wants to exclude him, and doesn’t care if it’s hurtful. That’s not okay by any stretch. And screw the parents too for siding with her.
NTA
She can decide who to have at her wedding and you can decide not to go just the same. Good job for sticking up for your husband.
NTA – I wouldn’t go either
NTA. Whenever I see “family unity”, “harmony”, or “family helps family”, I immediately get angry and want to start saying expletives.
If your sister had concerns about your husband’s behavior, she should have come to you directly instead of this contorted “childfree” end-run. NTA
Your sister is clearly the AH here. I’m not sure, in your position, I’d be able to have any relationship with her for some time after something like this. She’s extremely ableist and effed up, and so is anyone who stands by and enables her behavior. Disgusting. I’m so sorry she’s treating your family this way.
NTA.
Don’t go.
Why is this fake stuff posted? What’s the point?
“Just go for family unity.”
“I’m staying home for family unity. My husband is family.”
Being the bride’s day doesn’t give her the right to be cruel to people. What an “aesthetic.” Cruelty and exclusion.
It’s an invitation, not a summons. You are free to decline. She is treating your husband like a child. He was capable enough to get married, he is an adult. Your sister is a bag.
Nta
Tell your sister you will go
On the day tell her you have stomach flu or something
Send her pics of you in the toilet
So she believes it
NTA. Support family unity by excluding family? Your parents are what… in their 60’s now? Did they hurt themselves jumping through the mental hoops required to not quite make that make sense?
Updateme
Your husband is your family. What about unity with him? I wouldn’t go either. NTA
NTA- She wants a “vibe” for her wedding, yet she accuses you of being dramatic?
NTA. Ridiculous.
Your sister is the AH. Stand by your husband, I guarantee that if your position were reversed your sister would stand by hers. Your husband wouldn’t be any type of problem at her wedding and she knows it deep down. She’s pushing you into a corner and drawing a line in the sand. She can invite whomever she wants. But you don’t divide couples without valid reasons and her reason is crap. Take your husband out and make it a fun day. Skip her wedding, her once in a life time event doesn’t get to trample your one and only.
Does she even understand the vow she’s about to take? He’s not a boyfriend he’s your husband! RSVP no and her gift will be the lesson she learns from this!
Your sister, and your mother, are TAH’s in this scenario. Your sister singling your husband out for having a disability is disgusting and disgraceful, and your mother telling you to suck it up it’s her special day is even more gross in my opinion. Lumping your husband with the children like he needs his steak cut and face painted is just as disgusting!
If I were the two of you, I would plan the most fabulous excursion, weekend get away, or vacation if you can swing it! Go and make a great memories with the one who you hold dearest to your heart. Focus on each other and do something out of the ordinary. Or go have your favorite dinner and see a movie, or play pee wee golf. Just make it a date and make it special!
I have a feeling Sis’s wedding isn’t gonna be the VIBE she hopes it will. As Murphys Law has a way of biting people in the arse! And Remember God don’t like ugly. And right now your sister looks like Medusa!
Best of luck to you and sweet husband!
Keep us updated and I don’t believe you’ve heard the last of your Sister. I smell a tantrum coming, lmao! 🤣
NTA. It is her day. And she’s allowed to not invite your husband for her bullshit ableist reasons. You’re also your own person, and can and should stand up for your husband and refuse to go. Shes entitled to be a bigot and control who’s invited to her wedding. And you’re entitled to choose to not attend events that discriminate against your husband.
Not attending isnt being dramatic, its being supportive. Blasting her all over social media for ableist behaviour, spreading gossip about her to your family network and rallying others not to attend…. Now THAT would be dramatic.
NTA, and you can decline an invitation for any reason l
NTA. You’re not choosing your husband over her moment, you’re choosing respect and inclusivity over discrimination. Stay strong.
Send your loving thoughts and stay at home with your loving spouse
NTA. You should choose your husband in situations like this, every single time. Your sister sounds awful. She can enjoy her day and you and your husband can have a nice day together.
Hardcore NTA. You stated your terms, she hers. Stick to your guns. She is going to try to pressure you from many angles, parents and family friends, but don’t give in.
I would be beyond angry if one of my family tried to exclude my wife, for any reason, from a family event. Your sis is being a bridezilla, and in the worst possible way.
Have you guys ever tried ear plugs for these events? Or is that too weird a sensation for him to tolerate? Even a nice pair of ear muffs. Becomes an ice breaker.
NTA, your husband comes first. She can have her aesthetic while you and your husband can do something you both enjoy.
Your parents should mind their business.
NTA. Don’t go. Tell your parents that they don’t know the true meaning of Family Unity because if they did then they wouldn’t be ok with your sister excluding your husband (their SIL). You might want to start thinking about how holidays and special occasions going forward because if she can get away with excluding your husband from her wedding then what’s gonna stop her from doing it again?
NTA. But TA if there’s no update.
Who on earth would think that child free includes a thirty four year old
“But family” is a stupid reason to tolerate bullying or abuse, and your sister is definitely being a bully. Yes “it’s her day” so she can have it on her own. You are not obligate to be there. You should WANT to be there WITH YOUR HUSBAND but since that’s not possible you have every right to sit this one out. Your husband is your immediate family now. Your sister is being nothing but s selfish bridezilla. No kids? I totally get that. But a high-functioning adult? Nope. That crosses a big line. This is a hill to die on.
NTA, she infantilized your adult husband. I wouldn’t go, wouldn’t get a gift, and wouldn’t even bother with a card.
Your sister is a total A-hole.
Skip the wedding. Don’t even send a gift.
NTA he’s your husband of course you’re choosing him over your sisters wedding. This situation is very telling for how she really feels about him, I’d make this a hill to die on
Your sister is TA here…
Kids thing, of course! A wedding is not a good place for kids and babies, in general.
But! Not inviting your HUSBAND for “superficial environment social media thing”, is suuuper wrong.
How she could take that ugly decision? If she is not the autistic here, she should invite him and telling him that he should feel obligated to go, because is going to be loud, extra energy, etc., and then he can decide.
And your parents with that drama of the “family together”, OMG, your husband and kids are YOUR FAMILY FIRST, and then siblings and parents.
If I were in that position, I am wouldn’t attend, and in fact, I would take a step far from her.
She’s discriminating against him. That’s not okay. Don’t go.
I agree with others, you are NTA. She isn’t concerned that “guests will be uncomfortable“. She’s concerned that she will be uncomfortable. She’s not being honest with you. I don’t know if I would go either. Probably not. I hope she comes around.
Don’t go. You’re absolutely right that she’s excluding him to prioritize an aesthetic, and supporting that would mean allowing her to disrespect your husband and infantilize him to the point of dehumanization. You’re doing the right thing by standing by him and holding your ground. Also it is not “choosing him over her”…!l she put you in that situation. What did she think it was going to happen? He is also your family, and a chosen one.
And the “making guests uncomfortable”, my god. If the guests can’t handle an adult who gets overwhelmed by noise, they’re the immature ones.
NTA.
Your sister is ableist and your parents secretly condone that. They should be completely ashamed and embarrassed of her request — and saying that your 34yo husband is a child because he’s autistic — but because they aren’t that means they think it’s valid.
Don’t go, even if she invites him. He doesn’t deserve how your family thinks of him.
Being autistic is not synonymous with being childish or childlike. If those were the terms of identification, your sister would be the very first visual case identification via gown and veil. Stay home with your husband and have some fun!
Absolutely NTA! Your sister is selfish and ridiculous. Keep your distance from all of them until they apologize.
NTA. You are staring with your husband for family unity. What in the hell talking about, family unity my ass!
NTA. Do not go to that wedding.
NTA
RSVP ‘no’. How dare she imply that by virtue of his autism, your husband is a child. She can go fuck herself.
Wow. NTA but your sister sure is. I actually cannot believe that neither she nor your parents think this is totally fucked up. So because there’s a “vibe” she expects, does she have a list of ways she expects you to perform on the day? Are you supposed to laugh loudly a certain number of times, dance a certain way, interact with a minimum number of people, smile nonstop the whole time?
Honestly? Even if she finally gets guilted into inviting your husband, if I was you I still wouldn’t go. She has completely humiliated your lovely husband. She has shamed him for being himself. And I’m sure that man has had to deal with plenty of shame and bullying in his life already. This kind of attitude would have me going low-contact with sister and parents both, because it speaks to their character and it’s only saying very bad things about the type of people they are.
Absolutely disgusting. I would be ashamed to be related to such assholes.
Your sister is so shallow you could skip rocks off her. She’s awful! And your parents? They suck! Family unity? Please. That just means they want you to take your sister’s crap with a smile. It makes their lives easier. Don’t.
This is such heinous conduct on the part of your sister you need to hold her accountable. Make her suffer the consequences of her rude, callous, ableist and unfeeling behavior. Go have a great date night with your husband. Better yet plan a weekend getaway. Tell your sister to kiss your a$$.
NTA. So she’s lumping your husband, who is 5 years older than she is, in with “children” because he’s neurodivergent. Not only would I not attend the wedding, but I’d no longer have a sister.
NTA you and your husband are a family unit. Stick with him
NTA. who’s being selfish now? Your sister is an entitled brat. Ditch the wedding, tell your parents that they are being wildly unfair and favoring your sister “to keep the peace” and do something fun with your husband that day. Be sure to tell everyone why you won’t be attending.
Once you get married, everyone comes 2nd, except yours or his children. Parents, siblings, other extended family members all comes BEHIND your mate. And no I am not talking about an abusive relationship. A healthy relationship has room for all your love ones. But your mate is always 1st.
No, you are not and you are perfectly within your rights not to attend her wedding if your husband cannot come. And if this was happening to me, I do the same thing you’re not the a hole you’re not overreacting nor being overdramatic what you are is being a supportive spouse.
And I would consider your husband very lucky to have somebody like you somebody who has his back you sound like you love your husband very much and there’s nothing wrong with that You need to make it perfectly clear that is not open for negotiation discussion no husband no me ignore your family
In our repeated again, you were perfectly within your rights not attending the wedding without your husband if they don’t like it TS
Don’t back down. Your husband should be your first choice.
While its nice of your sister to invite you to visit the shallow end of the gene pool, you should point out that you prefer to swim in deeper waters and with better company; NTA
Tell her if my husband can’t go then your husband can’t go to make it fair.
Odd, I heard a similar story but it was her son not her husband
NTA your husband is number one in your life. Sis is being an AH. I don’t go anywhere my husband isn’t welcome
Updateme
You might want to point out this red flag to her soon to be husband. She’s a dick.
Your sister sounds like a b***h and most likely this won’t be a once in a lifetime moment.
When the words it’s my big day or in this case, once in a lifetime moment, are uttered as an argument, I’m automatically out.
NTA
It IS her day, but SHE is making you choose between her & your hubs. I’m Not sorry my HUBS WINS EVERYtime! My fam comes b4 siblings & their fans EVERYtime.
By putting down such parameters your sister created drama 🎭,& drew the battle lines on your doorstep.
NTA. Whether it’s “her day” or not, your sister excluding your husband and disparaging him as “socially awkward” is totally out of line. Furthermore, the family members who expect you to go to this farce of a wedding seem to think that “family unity” means uniting against your kind, gentle, quiet husband and guilting you into leaving him home.
I will say this, your husband telling you that he understands if you go without him shows more kindness and humanity than your sister and family members have shown you. Spend the day with him, he sounds like the best company you could have on your sister’s wedding day.
NTA. Not for that superficial ass reason. She can kick rocks and so can your parents. ‘Child free’, go for it. ‘Person with any kind of neurodivergence free’, wtf? She’s ableist as hell and I’d distance myself from anyone pulling this toward my partner. He’s not loud or disruptive or violent. He’s basically being punished for being quiet? God forbid her dude have any introvert friends. She’ll have rocks thrown at them.
NTA
Honestly even if she changes her mind she has already ruined this for you. I’m guessing things in the family dynamic will be forever changed. This is on her. Good she enjoys the family vibe going forward.
You are going for “family unity” YOUR FAMILY that you created with your husband, not siblings
Updateme
Heck no. This is your husband and he is an adult and your sister is an ableist snob. NTA
Damn I feel bad for you, your husband and the guy your sister is marrying
There is no way to say this without telling her she’s an idiot but autistic adults are not children NTA
NTA.
Definitely NTA. Your sister however, massive AH. This is your husband, so I would say don’t go even if she changes her mind. And be sure to let everyone know the reason as well.
People tend to forget.. yeah it can be your sisters big day.. thats all well and good.. but actions and decisions have reactions and consequences..
Everything in life is a 2 way street.. whether its someone’s big day or not..
Your husband is your immediate family, immediate family comes first. They became your extended family the day you said I do.
NTA!! I’m generally pretty “let her have her day” but this is outstandingly AH behavior. This would honestly probably change the way I see my sister, to some degree. I think this is a situation where you should let her have her “vibe” and plan a nice night with your husband. And make as little noise about it as possible. I can’t fathom how she thought it would go over when she told you – WTF?
You might want to map out what your plan will be if she (either genuinely or passive aggressively) says ok he’s invited too. Like, do you both go and he has to be at an event he wasn’t originally wanted at? Or do you both stay home but that’s a little bit of a stickier situation? Maybe you can cross that bridge if/when it gets here, but I personally like to overthink all the different scenarios so that if one of them happens I’m maybe kind of prepared for it :))
For your parents: “this isn’t a normal bride request. I don’t know how she imagined I would be ok with her saying that everyone except children and my husband could come, because he doesn’t match her vibe. Have you ever heard of anything like that? Do you think most people would be ok with that? If that’s her priority then she can have it but don’t try to guilt trip me into joining a celebration he is explicitly excluded from.”
NTA your husband and any children or pets that you might have are your family now. This is the family that you need to stick with. Not your extended family.
Your Family is now you and your husband. All other relations are extended family.
Yes it’s your sisters day but if she is allowed to discriminate against your husband then you are fully entitled to RSVP NO
Your entire family just told you how they feel about your husband and that he’ll never be family by stating that they expect you to go to support “family unity” while excluding your husband. Your husband doesn’t deserve that. Your family are shallow ableists, and just overall horrible people for supporting your sister’s behaviour and mindset. NTA.
Family unity? Your husband is a part of your family, what about staying up for him? Your sister is being really crappy.
Lol family unity. Guess your husband isn’t family to them
NTA. RSVP “no” then book a small getaway for you and your husband to enjoy yourselves together.
How incredibly disrespectful to you and especially your husband. And unkind.
Plan a weekend getaway for you & your husband on the wedding weekend. Please don’t send a gift.
NTA it’s her day and she can invite who she wants and the people she invites can choose not to go for whatever reason they want. It’s not family unity if part of the family is being left out. Your made family should be more important to you.
Karma has a way of coming back to bite you in the ass. If I were your sister I would be scared af because this level of cruelty—in a perfect world—will rain down hell upon her. NTA
I’m so sorry for you and your husband. No one, especially family (wish your parents were reading this) deserves this mistreatment.
Throw the sister out. If that is how she treats the person you love so much you married them, then she isn’t worth the time or effort it takes to have her in your life. I recommend going low contact or even no contact for a while with her and anyone who supports her child-like and entitled bratty behavior.
Come for the sake of family unity? Is your husband not part of the family? She can invite your husband for the sake of family unity. If you go to this wedding without your husband, you are telling your family that their treatment of your husband is acceptable, and it tells your husband that you see him as less than just like your family.
NTA, and if your family pushes it, tell them you’re going for a certain aesthetic for your marriage, and your sister’s wedding just isn’t it. If they still push, tell them that you’d like to get some outside perspective, and you’ll be asking everyone you know what they think about your sister including your autistic husband under the “no children” policy. That should shut them up real quick.
Updateme
NTA – an invitation is not a summons. You received an invitation and enquired why it was only for you, and you were told your husband is not welcome due to his character and personality. W.T.A.F. I would not only skip the wedding, I wouldn’t speak to her again for a while.
Groan…yet another “do it for the family” trope. Frankly, your sister doesn’t sound like a very nice person. I would decline to attend the wedding too. Plan something nice for you and your husband to do on that day. Your family is not very understanding either.
By the way, did your sister ask you to be her MOH or a bridesmaid? Is there something else going on here??
She and your parents are wrong. They are all AH.
NTA. Not only is your sister a revolting person. But she have just burned any sort of relationship she would have had with your husband. After the wedding is over, how is he going to sit across from a. Thanksgiving table from her knowing the way she views him. To her, he is subhuman. He just faced the same ostracizing he probably had his entire life from bullies. That relationship with her is dead, and it will never recover. Now you need to choose to support a someone as toxic as her, or the sweet man that’s always been there for you.
NTA. Protect your husband from your selfish sister.
Vibe doesn’t trump common decency. What if your sister wants perfect harmony in her pictures, and your husband is not invited because his skin color doesn’t match everybody else’s? Excluding your husband because he’s not boisterous is the same level of stupidity.
u/bot-sleuth-bot
How does she know which people on her guest list are autistic? In that case is she only including people who mask their autism well? Is she equating autistic people with literal children?
Did she specifically say no +1’s? Otherwise how will she weed out all neurodiverse folks who don’t mask as well as she hopes? There are a lot of us!
Anyway, holes in logic aside, I believe this is one of those moments when someone just shows you who they truly are.
so now we are not including family members because their vibe doesn’t match the theme we want!? what? don’t include her in ur family events because her shallow, rude character doesn’t fit with your kind, warm home vibe from now on.
also she’s literally discriminating against ppl with autism. don’t go OP, ur husband must feel so sad because on top of him suffering from social anxiety, now ur b**ch sis confirmed to him he is in fact a burden at social events. That’s the worst idea u can give to anyone who has social anxiety. NTA
In reality, this is the man who you will spend the rest of your life with. The sister will marry and move on to do her own thing. From the way her pettiness is unfolding, who needs someone like that? Don’t go.
NTA – If someone threw ANY party of ANY kind that excluded my significant other? I’m not going.
Don’t care if it’s a wedding or whatever.
Be with the ones you want to be with.
NTA and screw your parents to say for family unity. Way to make your husband feel excluded even more. He’s not invited to the wedding AND they’re preaching unity? They can gtfo.
Of course you’re going to pick your husband over an aesthetic for her wedding. Her wedding is one day. Your relationship with your husband is a lifetime. Your sister is being extremely unkind and like others said…ableist.
Fake
NTA. I mean I’m half convinced this is so crazy that this is an AI post, because it’s just bizarre. I can’t imagine a world where you would be the AH. And the fact your parents are even playing into it and enabling it? 🚩