So my sister (25F) is engaged to her late friend’s boyfriend. Her late friend’s family aren’t too happy about it. At first, I (18M)was surprised but honestly? Didn’t care. Her life. This was like about a year and a half ago when they first announced they were dating. Only a few months now that they’ve been engaged.
But like 5ish days ago, my sister came to me when she was over at our parents house and asked me if I think it’s weird that she’s engaged to her late friend’s boyfriend. I tried not to answer but she pressed me to be honest. Then she asked me If I died, would I be mad if my boyfriend started dating one of my friends.
In my head I’m like, oh, so she wants honesty. And since she’s asking me about me, not her, I can actually answer that.
So I tell her that if my boyfriend started dating my friend after I died… like first off, I’d be dead. So I probably wouldn’t, know?? But I’ve already told him how I’d feel while I’m alive, and I told him I wouldn’t like that shit all. Like 100% I’d rather he date a stranger than someone I knew. It just feels too close and personal. With a stranger, at least it’s someone different. With someone I knew, I’d feel kind of replaced.
And yeah, my friends and I don’t do that to each other anyway. Plus my plan is to outlast my boyfriend, so I don’t die first. Not planning on it. But that is what I told her. I thought I was just giving my feelings, not making a reflection on her situation, because I don’t know how she and her friend’s relationship was. I literally said “this is just me, I can’t speak for your friend.”
But oh no. She did NOT like MY OPINION at all. She got mad, started arguing with me, acting like I was talking about her. But I wasn’t. I was answering about myself like she asked.
Now my parents think I should’ve just refused to answer. But like… she asked. I thought she wanted honesty. I wasn’t trying to attack her, just explaining how I personally would feel.
I’m not apologizing despite my parents wanting me too. My boyfriend (19M) says I shouldn’t, my friends say I shouldn’t either. But I think they’re biased because they love me?
Comments
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NTA she forced you to answer and you gave your opinion. People shouldn’t freak out when they don’t get the answer they want
NTA, I would feel the same as you. She wanted honesty and got it
I dunno. Don’t ask questions if you might not like the answer seems like a pretty reasonable philosophy in life. You’re NTA. And you don’t owe her an apology.
If you insist on unfiltered honesty from someone, then you can’t have a tantrum when they give it to you.
NTA. Updateme
This is missing a ton of context. Like how old they were when you the friend dated the guy who died. How long they dated. If they were together when he died. And how long after that she got together with the guy she is now engaged to.
NTA. When you ask a question, you have yo be prepared to get answers you don’t like. I think she took it personally because of her own guilty she carries because of her relationship.
NTA. She wouldn’t be asking if she wasn’t already insecure about it. People are rightfully weirded out by it, and now she’s mad that you didn’t validate her choice. You’re not an AH just because you answered the question she asked.
NTA. Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to.
Why does it matter? Your sister’s friend is dead. People are allowed to move on.
Nta, she made u answer
NTA in the slightest.
She asked and didn’t get an answer she liked. NTAH at all imo.
ESH.
She is the AH because she wanted honesty, you gave honesty and she complained when you did not align with her opinion.
You are TA because unless you are terminally stupid you knew exactly what situation she was talking about.
Such a silly conversation to have in your 20s since it undoubtedly won’t come up. Why look for something to fight about?
NTAH You were asked for your honest opinion and gave it. It’s the other person’s responsibility to be willing to gracefully accept answers they don’t want to hear when they ask a question like that. It’s like someone handing you a knife, flipping a coin to allow you to stab them, and they get pissed off at your for stabbing them when it comes up tails . It was exactly what they wanted in the first place and they were expecting to hear their own opinions echoed back. That’s not your problem.
Wanting a say in who your partner ends up with after you pass is a bit suspect to me but if both you and your partner agree- I see no issue with an agreement between two adults.
You are NTA because you tried to duck the question. That said, when you chose to use the hypothetical to share your opinion, you absolutely knew she would react badly. You knew she was not asking the question because she was randomly curious – she wanted your support.
She is certainly not entitled to it. You shared the critical context: your sister started dating her dead friend’s boyfriend within a year of the death. Talk about tacky and disrespectful. Your sister should expect that any number of people will think less of her because of this, particularly the parents of the deceased.
NTA. Remind her we don’t ask opinions if we’re not ready for answers we don’t like. She’s lashing out because she knows it’s messed up.
So your sister comes to you for your opinion, and when it’s not what she wants to hear she gets mad and freaks out? 1-You are definitely NTA. 2-Your sister needs to grow up and take responsibility for her actions. 3-Tell your patents that you will not, and never will, apologize for giving YOUR opinion that your sister insisted on.
Let them all know and let the chips fall as they may. To be honest, your sister is the as%#$e that can’t seem to take responsibility for what she’s doing and is, maybe, feeling ashamed of her actions.
Stay strong!
NTA – Your friends are biased bc they love you, but they’re also right in this situation…
Your sister came to you and asked you what your thoughts were and what you would do if it was you.
Your answer is about you, not her.
If she was going to take it personal, she should not have asked.
You do NOT owe her an apology.
For what? Because she can’t control her feelings about your personal opinion? That you didn’t even give until you were pushed into responding? That is hypothetically about yourself (ie, not her)?
I usually err on the side of being polite, but if family was pushing me for an apology in this situation, I’d tell them to: Grow up! 🧐
I’ve never understood this idea that surviving relations of dead people have to follow some sort of exclusion rules like this. You’d think you’d just want them to be happy. Sister or brother stepping in is basically how traditional culture used to work. It’s totally fine and perfectly natural.
NTA she was clearly trying to start something
Ain’t shit you could do about it anyway
Heh. When people ask you a hypothetical about their own situation, they’re not looking for honesty, they’re looking for support and affirmation that they’re doing the right thing.
Your sister came looking for agreement and got unpalatable honesty instead, so of course she’s pissed. So sad, too bad. Listen to your boyfriend and your other friends, they’re right and your parents are just trying to keep their version of the peace.
Oh, yeh — NTA
I kinda feel the same way, but I also think that it’s possible that they bonded over their grief. They may not have planned for feelings to develop.
I would not go there myself if it was my late friend, IMO it kinda goes against my girl-code. But I guess it’s hard to judge if I’ve never been in that situation.
However, I think questions like these are a trap, and you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t if you answer them. People shouldn’t ask questions they might not like the answer to. I avoid answering them by saying something like “I can’t possibly answer that kind of question, because I’ve never been in that situation, and have never even thought about it.”
She asked your opinion and you gave it. Just because she doesn’t like it does not make you wrong and you don’t owe her an apology. Tell her next time don’t pressure you to give an answer that she might not like.
NTA
She insisted on an answer. You told her your honest opinion about yourself.
She got really mad. She just wanted validation, but that’s absolutely her problem.
Never ask a question if you aren’t prepared to hear something you really don’t like.
NTA.
But I don’t really get why people would care what their other half does once they are dead. You are dead, your other half is alive, let them live their life. Quite frankly if that means my wife ends up dating/marrying anyone I know then best of luck to them, I hope they are happy. I’ll still be dead..
There’s a phrase, “play stupid games, win stupid prizes”. She played the game, she gets the prize 🤷♂️
NTA
“I plan to outlive my boyfriend.” – now I’m concerned about the boyfriend. NTA.