My girlfriend and I’s birthdays are close, August 6 and 11, and my father-in-law’s birthday is the same as mine. We used to split the day between celebrating with my FIL and my own birthday, and sometimes celebrated with my family too. Last year, my girlfriend and I decided to elope from August 5 to 12 and just have dinner with her and my family afterward. The reason was that my FIL’s 75th birthday is this year, and we both agreed I would give way and celebrate with my family after returning.
This trip has been planned since last year. My girlfriend’s siblings saved money and booked sale seats to make it happen as a milestone for their family. They usually visit their province in the Visayas, but this is their first Palawan trip (we live in Philippines) and first real vacation together. I was invited to join them for my birthday.
Recently, my nephew-in-law mentioned the trip, and my older sister overheard. She suggested bringing my father since he has never been on a plane or seen a white beach. I said no because I did not want him to feel like a last-minute addition, especially for his first airplane trip. I suggested waiting until my younger sister, still in school, graduates so we could go as a family. She agreed and stopped asking, so I thought the matter was settled.
Two days ago, my girlfriend told me that my sister’s boyfriend had asked her sister for trip details because they had already booked flights to “surprise me” without consulting anyone. I was shocked and asked my older sister why she would put me in that position. I reminded her this was my girlfriend’s family trip and I was only a guest.
She has been saying she lacks money, yet booked $564 USD worth of tickets for three people: her, her boyfriend, and my father. My younger sister later told me my older sister assumed my girlfriend and I would be covering her family’s expenses, which was never the case. I initially appreciated the gesture, but that changed when I learned their plan was to stay at a nearby hotel, show up unannounced, and join our tours while working at the hotel.
I wondered if this was really a surprise for me or just a way for my father to go to Palawan. I offered to help since their plan was nonrefundable, but my girlfriend and I argued over how unfair it felt. We have never interfered with her boyfriend’s family events, and his parents still have not met mine for various reasons. He recently fought with my sister for planning a similar “surprise” for him.
When I spoke to my sister to fix things, she brushed me off with, “Don’t worry about it, just enjoy your trip,” then said they would cancel because her boyfriend no longer wanted to go. Now I feel like I am carrying blame for something I did not ask for. The stress has left me sick and sleepless.
Am I the asshole?
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My girlfriend and I’s birthdays are close, August 6 and 11, and my father-in-law’s birthday is the same as mine. We used to split the day between celebrating with my FIL and my own birthday, and sometimes celebrated with my family too. Last year, my girlfriend and I decided to elope from August 5 to 12 and just have dinner with her and my family afterward. The reason was that my FIL’s 75th birthday is this year, and we both agreed I would give way and celebrate with my family after returning.
This trip has been planned since last year. My girlfriend’s siblings saved money and booked sale seats to make it happen as a milestone for their family. They usually visit their province in the Visayas, but this is their first Palawan trip (we live in Philippines) and first real vacation together. I was invited to join them for my birthday.
Recently, my nephew-in-law mentioned the trip, and my older sister overheard. She suggested bringing my father since he has never been on a plane or seen a white beach. I said no because I did not want him to feel like a last-minute addition, especially for his first airplane trip. I suggested waiting until my younger sister, still in school, graduates so we could go as a family. She agreed and stopped asking, so I thought the matter was settled.
Two days ago, my girlfriend told me that my sister’s boyfriend had asked her sister for trip details because they had already booked flights to “surprise me” without consulting anyone. I was shocked and asked my older sister why she would put me in that position. I reminded her this was my girlfriend’s family trip and I was only a guest.
She has been saying she lacks money, yet booked $564 USD worth of tickets for three people: her, her boyfriend, and my father. My younger sister later told me my older sister assumed my girlfriend and I would be covering her family’s expenses, which was never the case. I initially appreciated the gesture, but that changed when I learned their plan was to stay at a nearby hotel, show up unannounced, and join our tours while working at the hotel.
I wondered if this was really a surprise for me or just a way for my father to go to Palawan. I offered to help since their plan was nonrefundable, but my girlfriend and I argued over how unfair it felt. We have never interfered with her boyfriend’s family events, and his parents still have not met mine for various reasons. He recently fought with my sister for planning a similar “surprise” for him.
When I spoke to my sister to fix things, she brushed me off with, “Don’t worry about it, just enjoy your trip,” then said they would cancel because her boyfriend no longer wanted to go. Now I feel like I am carrying blame for something I did not ask for. The stress has left me sick and sleepless.
Am I the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my sister that she, her boyfriend, and our dad could not join my girlfriend’s family trip to Palawan because it was planned and paid for by her family specifically to celebrate her dad’s milestone birthday, and adding uninvited people would be inappropriate. She had already booked flights without asking me and wanted it to be a “surprise,” but I refused to let them join. I might be the asshole because my refusal upset her and meant my dad would miss what could have been his first plane trip.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. The idea of inviting yourself along on someone else’s family vacation would be mortifying for a reasonable person. Her “surprise” is a disgusting manipulation to get an expenses paid trip out of you, as you try to save face in front of your in-laws. Thank goodness her boyfriend has the sense not to be interested in playing such a game. If he’s smart he’ll break up with her before she damages his reputation. In future, I would make sure she only ever knows about plans after the fact, so she can never again try to pull such an incredibly inappropriate stunt.
No Sir you are NTA! You sounds very thoughtful. Please enjoy your trip and don’t worry about what you can’t control. Your sister needs to learn to stay in her lane. Your job is to make your wife happy, not anyone else. Planning a future trip with your family is a wonderful way to keep your sister happy. I hope you enjoy your trip so much and don’t give a second thought to it!
NTA
That’s just bizarre and I don’t really understand why you even feel the need to ask.
No absolutely not. It seems your sister has a habit of planning things without any consideration for other people.
She put you in a really bad position. But SHE did it. Not you. You need to go on the trip and enjoy yourself like the plan was before sister started meddling. Don’t give it another thought. Let her learn from her mistakes. It’s the only way we grow into better adults.
NTA. She really has a lot of nerve! This is intrusive and manipulative. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
NTA
Its the ultimate in rudeness to invite yourself on someone else’s vacation. Even worse to expect someone else to pay for it. There is no reason they can’t plan a trip on their own. They do not need to go for those exact dates. I find it so weird.
NTA, your sister made ridiculous decisions and expected you just to go along with it, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.
NTA
Be blunt and call her out on her entitled behavior. This is YOUR trip for your GF and in-laws. Sister doesn’t get to invite herself or tack on more people to the trip on your time and expense
NTA. This is why people who insist on surprises need to be punished. Surprise parties, arrivals, etc. usually end up being planned by people who don’t plan well.
NTA. You’re SIL massively overstepped. You don’t just buy a ticket for someone and add them to someone else’s trip.
NTA. Sister should know where she is welcome and where she is not
NTA. You don’t surprise someone by showing up on their holiday, unannounced.
You used the word elope, do you mean go.on holiday? Usually it means that’s you’re travelling somewhere to get married without telling anyone.
How do you have in laws and a girlfriend? Are you talking about a siblings spouses parent? I’m confused.
Don’t wanna bad mouth your sister
But it is what it is
NTA
But I’m confused – you’re also getting married?
NTA, but how sure are you that she canceled? I think you should talk to your dad ASAP and explain everything, including your idea for a later trip with him and both of your sisters.