Clarification: we are both full blood siblings, we were both raised by our step dad for the same amount of time and I was even closer to him when I was younger, he always said he’d adopt us BOTH when the time came because our actual parents weren’t around
I (25,nb) recently found out that our stepdad adopted my older sister (29F) over three months ago—and neither of them told me. I didn’t find out from them, I found out from a third party completely by accident. This hit me really hard because about a month ago, I was in a bad place emotionally and reached out to my dad asking for help. I asked if I could come home or if he could support me in any way, and he basically told me to figure it out and made it clear I wasn’t welcome.
At the time, I told my sister what he said to me, and she acted like she was on my side. She validated how hurt I was and seemed supportive, so I assumed she had my back.
Then I find out—months later—that she knew this whole time about the adoption and said nothing. It felt like a massive betrayal. Like I was being replaced and completely left out of something huge in our family.
So I messaged her and asked why she never told me. Her only response was, “How did you find this out?” No apology. No acknowledgment of how that might feel from my side. Just concern that I found out.
That response pushed me over the edge, and I told her to F off and a few other not very nice things then blocked her.
Now I’m feeling a bit guilty. I know my reaction was harsh, but I was really hurt and caught off guard. So—AITA for cussing her out instead of trying to talk it through more calmly?
More context: I was not told but the rest of the family was told three months ago when it was happening, they actively were going out of their way to not tell me or involve me in anything, he came into our lives when we were both old enough to know and acknowledge him as our father, they also verbally thrashed the person who told me after they found out I knew, we are also full blooded sibling and were raised side by side, he was very big on ‘keeping things equal’ when we were growing up
More context for clarification: This is my step dad, he always said he’d adopt us BOTH when the time came, that he would do this for BOTH OF US when it came time to do it, then he just signed for her and neither of them told me, I fact he’s actively been avoiding my texts since the last time we spoke
Edit: I read through all the comments and will be unblocking her to try and ask why they decided to keep it from me, I see I shouldn’t have crashed out the way I did and my reaction was a bit immature but I am VERY hurt by their actions
Comments
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I (25, nonbinary) recently found out that my dad adopted my older sister (29F) over three months ago—and neither of them told me. I didn’t find out from them, I found out from a third party completely by accident. This hit me really hard because a couple months ago, I was in a bad place emotionally and reached out to my dad asking for help. I asked if I could come home or if he could support me in any way, and he basically told me to figure it out and made it clear I wasn’t welcome.
At the time, I told my sister what he said to me, and she acted like she was on my side. She validated how hurt I was and seemed supportive, so I assumed she had my back.
Then I find out—months later—that she knew this whole time about the adoption and said nothing. It felt like a massive betrayal. Like I was being replaced and completely left out of something huge in our family.
So I messaged her and asked why she never told me. Her only response was, “How did you find this out?” No apology. No acknowledgment of how that might feel from my side. Just concern that I found out.
That response pushed me over the edge, and I told her to F off and a few other not very nice things then blocked her.
Now I’m feeling a bit guilty. I know my reaction was harsh, but I was really hurt and caught off guard. So—AITA for cussing her out instead of trying to talk it through more calmly?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I cursed my sister out after finding out about everything and kind of called her a few choice names and stuff and I feel bad like maybe I could of approached the situations differently
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
If I’m reading this correctly I think YTA. She’s the one that’s been adopted right? If so you’ve tried to make yourself the main character in her story. I’d get your response if you found out you’d been adopted and no-one told you despite everyone knowing, but if I’m understanding this correctly then her adoption isn’t about you.
NTA
You have a most valid reason for feeling like you do. Your feelings matter, no matter what they say or do. You feel betrayed, unwanted and unloved and I don’t blame you at all for how you responded.
Write all these feelings down. Make a list of what you want to accomplish in life. If you feel depression or anger is getting the best of you, please seek out a good therapist trained in trauma such as your own.
I wish you only the best. Hang in there. Things will get better, even though it’s dark af now for you. Block the toxic people from your life. They don’t deserve you.
YTA
“At the time, I told my sister what he said to me, and she acted like she was on my side. She validated how hurt I was and seemed supportive, so I assumed she had my back.”
Her being adopted does not change anything of the above.
I’m a little unclear on the timing, but I’m assuming your dad has been in her life for a while and been her “dad” for a while now. So that the adoption is more of a legal formality. If so that makes you an even bigger ahole. It changes nothing.
Does it suck that you found out last, but I don’t know if anyone was trying to keep anything from you.
I found out one of my siblings moved out about 2/3 weeks on accident, no one was hiding it, they just didn’t think/realize to make a big formal announcement.
YTA. The adoption is more about them than you. It’s up to them to share what they’re comfortable with sharing. You can’t help how you feel, but you don’t have the right to assume you should know something about them before they are comfortable sharing it.
YTA – why do you think you’re owed this information? I’m not being snippy, but you need to think about why you consider this your business? You certainly need a hard look at yourself if you think your sister being adopted is about you.
I understand it might be a shock, that you might be a bit disappointed that no-one told you, and you might want to talk about it, but your reaction was totally inappropriate.
You owe your sister an apology, and you need to realise that people are entitled to tell their own stories and/or keep their own secrets.
Info: he adopted her 3 months ago at age 29? What are the actual relationships here?
YTA. It’s not your story to tell and it sounds like you found out a different way. Your sister offering support had literally nothing to do with her being adopted.
I don’t understand what the big deal is. You and her are both your father’s children, just through different methods.
Unless YOU are adopted and just finding out, I don’t see how your sis could be held responsible for your feelings here.
INFO: what do you mean by her being adopted, she found out she was adopted 3 months ago, or your dad isn’t a blood relative and they formalized it with an adoption recently, with her nearly 30? And you reaching out to your dad and then her all happened after this, correct? I can see you being mad at your father, but what exactly is your sister supposed to have done wrong?
NAH
I think your sister can support you in what your dad said still. I’m not sure how that’s relevant, unless there’s something missing.
I also am not sure this was a big family thing since it seems they didn’t want it shared. This is about her and your dad.
You have the right to be hurt about it. I don’t think it’s ok to lash out without hearing her out about why and what happened.
INFO: I think we’re gonna need some context here. Was your sister adopted as a child, or recently, as an adult (which I think is maybe possible)? How does this have anything to do with your father not supporting you?
YTA You say that the conflict between you and your dad happened months ago, but you also found out about your sister’s adoption months after it happened. So in all likelihood the adoption was going through/had gone through around the time of your conflict. Maybe she didn’t tell you specifically because of what you and he were dealing with, she might’ve actually been trying to spare your feelings, or she was avoiding what it seems like is happening: you’re making the situation about you. Aren’t you happy for her at all?
info: are you half siblings? it’s a little hard to follow the relationships here… if you guys grew up together with him as the father figure I’m assuming she’s basically his daughter and the adoption was just a legality, especially at 29. why are you feeling replaced if she’s basically been a part of your family as your sister and his daughter this whole time?
INFO: you need to edit this. If I understood it correctly by your comments, you both were raised by him (as step dad) and only her got adopted and they hid this from you, but your main text makes it look like you’re his biological children and you’re mad they adopted her and didn’t tell you. That’s why everyone is saying you’re wrong. Is my assumption correct? If so, please edit your post to clarify
YTA.
Your sister hasn’t done anything wrong here and doesn’t owe you an apology. Arguably, your stepfather has wronged you by adopting her and not you – but that’s not her choice. Her accepting a gift from him, even if he didn’t give the same to you, is not something she needs to feel guilty about. And it doesn’t mean her affection and caring for you was insincere.
I am sorry that you feel lonely and hurt as a result of this OP, but you are misdirecting your hurt and harming a relationship you need.
There is waaaaay more to the story here. You are both adults now. Is he making a statement about you being NB? Why have they all conspired to keep this secret? Does this involve potential inheritance? What has changed since he raised you both? Why bother with adoption at all for either of you now?
Your feelings are absolutely valid on being excluded from this knowledge but so much else is missing from the context it’s hard to know what else to say. How has your relationship with him been since leaving home? Your sister?
YTA
“My sister was adopted by our step father and didn’t tell me”
Well, to be honest, it’s cause she doesn’t have to. It’s none of your business.
Idk what’s so difficult to understand here. Stepdad raised OP and their sibling. Yet he chose to only legalize the relationship with one sibling. Why? Does he not like OP as much? Is he bothered by OP’s existence? What could OP have possibly done for their dad to not want the same relationship with them?
OP do you have any clue what would have ruined your relationship with your dad?
Tempest in a teapot! Chill!
Stop it. You’re entitled to your feelings and expressing them calmly but you aren’t entitled to tell her off or act out because this is between them and not something you needed to be involved in. YTA
YTA, it’s not your business for one, adoption was between the 2 of them. I also just saw you were raised by your grandma and your sister wasn’t. Clearly you have different relationships with the stepfather and there’s a lot of information not here.
NTA If I’m understanding correctly you were raised by your stepdad together, and he only adopted her. Like he specifically chose to make that commitment to her and not you. And then everyone hid it from you.
Info: why would he be adopting your sister at the age of 29? Why would everyone have hid this from you? Did you and your step dad have any kind of falling out recently?
ESH You rang him looking for money & he told you to go away. Why would you expect him to adopt you? Your relationship has clearly broken down since you were a child & he promised to adopt you.
Why would you adopt a 29 yr old?!? Entirely pointless! Did they do it to piss you off?
Are you even allowed to adopt an adult?! What is the point?
My advice to you is seek therapy and move on. You have your whole life in front of you. Heal yourself and find people who support you ( in that order, because trauma responses will make it hard for you to pick genuine relationships and not overburden them).
Don’t spend the next 25 years looking back.
Info – Why were you excluded? Do you still have a relationship with your step dad? Why did he adopt her but not you? Have you been no contact with him? Why wouldn’t he let you stay with him?
INFO: Even with your clarification I am confused. You & your sister are full siblings? Same mom & same bio dad? Then your mom got married to the man you call dad when you were kids. Your dad said he would adopt both of you at some point and treated you both the same growing up.
So (10-15 years?) pass, and he adopted your sister at the age of 29 but did not adopt you, and then to add insult to injury you were deliberately kept in the dark about it. And around the time this was going on, you asked your dad for some help and he said to figure it out yourself.
Now we are 3 months later and someone let it slip about the adoption and you are pissed. Not because he adopted only her, but because they didn’t tell you? So you cussed out your sister, and she cussed out the blabbermouth.
Is that the gist of it?
If so, your hurt feelings are valid. I would be more hurt that only she was adopted than I would be about the secrecy, since he had treated you both equally all these years. There may have been legitimate reasons for both but because you came at her like that you will have to apologize and show you will listen in a calm manner before anyone will tell you anything else.
You were also hurt that he would not help you. Also valid. It is possible that the expenses for ⁰the adoption were the reason your dad was unable to help you at the time. Or maybe the problem you had was not something he felt equipped to help with. Or it was something he had helped you with before and you were back in the same hole and you really do need to figure it out yourself this time.
Given that your first response was rage, am I correct in assuming you’ve been dealing with stability problems? Maybe emotional- or sobriety-related? (probably an unfair assumption on my part, but what you wrote sounded just like a friend who’s an addict and thinks nobody can tell.) Do you think that they expected you to lash out and that’s why they decided to keep it from you? Or maybe they felt like you’ve already got a lot on your plate and they didn’t want to add to it?
If all this is correct, you get a soft YTA for going off on your sister before hearing the circumstances or asking any questions. You could have been happy for her and let it be about her; instead you yelled at her and made it about you. Apologize for blowing up and not letting her explain. People have reasons. You may not agree, but at least have the courtesy to listen and be open to what they have to say.
Protip: Don’t flame out over a clickbait headline without reading the article then find out later that it was something much tamer, and now you have overreacted and look like a real doofus.
I hope you can clear the air with your family, but if the breach is too big, then you have decisions to make.
YTA. You are arguing with everyone in the comments who don’t agree.
Take the feedback. You seriously are coming off in such a way, it’s understandable they kept it from you.
Block them both. Get in therapy and heal yourself before you damage the relationship more.
You are 25, not 15. Grow up.
NTA, honestly, two members of your family got a legal tie and they expected you to never find out? That wasn’t gonna work. You’d have found out when he died, for sure, and that would’ve fucking sucked. Was cussing her out the best thing you could’ve done? No. But what the hell were they thinking?!?
NTA, regardless of your reaction (you’re allowed to have feelings). If it’s no big deal, why were they fully and intentionally making sure everyone else kept it a secret? In families, people fight. If they have been fighting or whatever for 4 years (didn’t go through post history), and he just discarded you, that’s supremely messed up. Seems like his love for you was at his leisure/convenience. She may have validated your feelings, but how can you trust that or her when your literal blood sister lied by omission? And when caught, she was more worried about someone breaking her trust than your heart.
I saw someone say the OP was immature. There’s actual research showing that emotional growth is often stunted at the point of greatest past hurt.
NTA. You can ask stepdad, but be sure you want the answer to the question because, assuming he is willing to tell you, it will probably hurt like hell.
NAH-You get to be mad about it. They did what they did and probably have a reason for it that will not satisfy you. Sometimes there are private things going on that people want to keep private. Am willing to guess there is something behind the adoption. They may have selfish reasons. Without their reasoning that you don’t know I cannot call anyone an AH.
Real question here: Given the bad history you have with your step-dad, why do you care? I mean, he invaded your privacy, yelled at you when you called him on it, and your sister also sounds terribly selfish. Has it not occurred to you that he adopted her because she’s an ass kisser? You obviously try to be fully independent and try to create healthy boundaries with both of them. So why does this bother you so much? They are not worthy of you. He just wants an absurd amount of control over you, and my guess is that your sister allows him to be heavily involved in her life because he has a lot of money. Why give them the satisfaction that they have hurt you again?
Fuck them. Go live your life on your terms. You don’t need their approval or the adoption to be a worthy person. You’ve always been worthy. He’s just an ah, and your sister is his lap dog.
YTA. your sisters adoption is not your story. there’s a reason why no one told you about it, perhaps try to look within yourself to figure out what that is.
Yta you hate both your stepdad and your sister according to your post history so why do you even care?
NAH. Your sister can have empathy for your situation, and still have a functional and loving relationship with your parents. That’s ok. It’s not about taking sides or not taking sides.
She didn’t tell you because she knew you’d be hurt. She knows your relationship is rocky with him and she didn’t want to rub it in your face that hers isn’t.
She didn’t do anything wrong, you’re allowed to be hurt, but taking it out on her isn’t fair.
Why wouldn’t he allow you to come home? Why would he choose to adopt her and not you? There must be a reason, right?
Updateme
INFO: Why did you ask the question when you’re just going to argue with everyone who answers YTA?
YTA because you left out a lot of context. Your post history suggests you have had a strained relationship with both you stepdad and sister for a very long time. Your fall out with him wasn’t a few months in the making. It was years. It appears that even though her was your stepdad, you were mainly raised by your grandmother, while your sister was raised by him. You also seem to have a habit of getting into arguments with both of them. Additionally, at some point you had a job you know your stepdad strongly disapproves of (maybe you still have that job). It also sounds like he strongly disapproves of how you spend money.
You are absolutely allowed to feel hurt that you were left out, but it also seems like something that shouldn’t be shocking based on the past several years.
If he adopted her 3 months ago, she probably asked him. The fact that you are estranged and there’s a shit ton you’re leaving out makes this seem like a you issue and not a them isdue.
Updateme.
After reading your post history, why would you want him to adopt you? You wrote about him invading your privacy, tracking your phone, and screaming/calling you names. It doesn’t sound like you two were close at all.
Unless you’re leaving out some major info, because it also sounds like he didn’t/doesn’t trust you.
I didn’t know you could legally adopt adults
NTA
Honestly it’s weird that they kept this from you, and I would want to know why this was a big secret. It’s bizarre that especially given that he told you both that when the time was right he would legally adopt you both. It feels like there is some weird reason happening in the background that you don’t know, like inheritance or something.
Where is your birth parent in all of this, there is no one else mentioned?
Alternatively I had a dad who passed away 12 months ago. Legally and biologically his. After I turned 10 hardly ever saw him and the only milestones he attended was graduation and getting married. Didn’t really re-enter my life until he found out he was going to be a grandfather. Otherwise just saw his kids as disappointments and even told me he was relieved that one of my siblings ended himself.
Yes it sucks not being the favourite but ask yourself, would you rather have a father figure that is involved in your life but not legally bound to you or have a actual father that chooses not to be around and has no interest in you or your siblings?
There is so very much missing from this. Just a casual look over OPs posting history shows they don’t have anything close to a good relationship.