Our mom died 5 years ago and dad started dating our stepmother around one year after. My sister (13F) loves her and bonded with her super fast. I (15M) have a crappy relationship with her for lots of reasons. She doesn’t like me much either so it works in that she’s not like always trying to play mom or whatever. Dad kinda hates that we don’t get along but he knew before he married her so it’s whatever.
Lately my sister has wanted to call our stepmother mom a lot. She went to two of our aunts who are mom’s twin and mom’s older sister and to our grandparents on mom’s side and asked them how they’d feel about it. Even when I found out about it I thought that was such a weird thing to do. She was upset when they were honest with her. She asked our mom’s best friend the same thing too and she later asked our uncle. Once she went through everyone she came to me. By then I knew she was basically looking for someone to give her permission who wasn’t dad, because he married our stepmother and he moved on after mom so it’s not the same. She kinda admitted it when we talked. She took forever to ask me anything directly but when she asked how I’d feel about it I told her she needs to do what she wants. She got upset and told me it didn’t answer her question and I said my honest answer would upset her like our family’s answers did.
I told her it has to be her decision and trying to get permission from the rest of us is not how this stuff is meant to go. She got mad and told me if I didn’t hate her we could both do it and I told her I’d never do it ever.
She cried in her room and talked to dad after. He asked for my side and I told him and he wanted to know why I wouldn’t give her what I know she wants. I told him because I don’t want her to but it’s not my decision but I’m not lying to make her feel better either.
He told me we (mom’s family and me) were unfair to my sister and we should be glad she has that love for someone and wants a mom which is super healthy when she has filled that role. He said instead of giving her a non-answer or avoiding it I should be the big brother and the mature person in mom’s family and let my sister have the support she needs to take the step.
AITA?
Comments
Your dad calling you and your mom’s side “unfair” feels a bit off. Wanting your sister to be happy doesn’t mean everyone has to be emotionally ready to treat the stepmom the same way. Everyone processes grief differently, and that should be respected too.
You are a kid and so is your sister.Why does your dad expect you to act like an adult?He is the asshole here.NTA.
“If you want to call her mom, I support your decision to. It is your choice.”
How hard would that be?
Your dad is putting an insane amount of emotional responsibility on you. You’re 15. You’re also his kid who lost a mom.
It’s not your job to manage your sister’s feelings or validate his new marriage. Telling her it’s her choice was the most mature thing you could have done.
NTA
NTA. You told your sister that she could call your stepmother mom, but you weren’t going to. That’s a completely reasonable position. Now, it matters how you conveyed that idea, but what you described is totally fine. I do understand why your sister is upset. She would prefer that you both had a better relationship with your stepmom, and she’s sad that you don’t. That’s also perfectly fine, but it doesn’t mean that you have to pretend to have a better relationship than you do.
NTA. She asked. You answered.
NTA. You gave her an honest and mature answer. It’s your sister’s call and if it happens organically it’s better than running around asking for permission. But she’s young so she gets a pass too.
I’m sorry your father put you in an emotional bind.
It sounds like you are both honest and supportive of your sister.
I hope that you and your sister were able to talk with therapists to help work through your grief. Grief is complex. It doesn’t resolve overnight. Sometimes it is years before we are really able to work on it. Best wishes.
Can she pick a different name besides mom? Something meaningful for both of them? NTA
NTA. It’s not easy being the older sibling, but you’re handling it like a champ.
NTA but your dad sure is.
NTA. I don’t understand why your sister is asking for permission to call her stepmother Mom or why your father is trying to guilt and shame everyone into saying yes.
She can do what she wants! Why is your father making this a family tearing event when everyone is cool with it?!
This is what I’d tell her if I was in your position.
You can call her Mom if she feels like a Mom to you. Calling her Mom does not erase our Mom. Love is not limited like that. I will not be calling her Mom. That isnt our relationship, that isnt who she is to me. But I love you, and I will never deny you having a loving Mother. So if you want to call her Mom, call her Mom. I think it would make her and Dad very happy. Just don’t ask me to do it.
I don’t know if this perfectly matches how you feel. But this would be me in your situation.
I don’t think I’ve heard of so many people – mostly adults – gang up on a small kid who lost their mother at a very young age and who yearns for a mother in her life. My heart breaks that not one of you could offer her kindness and let her know that it is a nice gesture and you agree if that is what she feels is right. Not one of you.
I get that you lost your mother too and your step-mother is not a parent figure to you. That doesn’t mean you punish people in your life because your father re-married after your mother’s death.
If you aren’t able to show any kindness, perhaps speak to your father about getting you into grief therapy. You understandably have a lot of feelings around this topic that it may be helpful to discuss.
Your dad and stepmom are AHs for not stepping up for your sister. As your dad and stepmom are happy with your sister’s decision, they should support your sister. Instead of letting your sister approach your mom’s family on her own, they should have gone with her to seek your mom’s family’s support for your sister to call your stepmom mom.
To make matters worse, your dad is trying to pressure you to lie to your sister. Your response was not a non answer or avoiding it, you said you will not stand in your sister’s way but she should not expect you to support her decision. NTA, your dad and stepmom are responsible for creating this toxic environment.
NTA She can do what she wants but you don’t have to like it.
NTA. You’re already being the mature person by not standing in your sisters way or shutting down her wants. That doesn’t mean you’re required to support her. Updateme