My husband didn’t want me to tell my sisters that his brother was incarcerated but I did. BIL was arrested for a violent crime and SA 13 years ago when we were just bf/gf and in a LDR. He didn’t tell me when it happened and I accidentally found out when he thought he’d hung up the phone when his mom and aunts were talking about it. He never meant to tell me and wanted to keep it a secret even from me. I don’t know but I think that would’ve been a red flag considering we were already together for 5 years (we met in highschool) when it happened. Anyway, he told me not to tell anyone and for years I kept it a secret. But eventually, after a while, I thought I could share it with my sisters as we’re very close and tell each other everything. It’s not like I told them to gossip about it, they asked about him and why he’s not around anymore, I simply told them the truth. My husband found out that I told them and he got really angry. He said it wasn’t my secret to tell But then it was only a secret to me. His friends and other people knew. I didn’t see why it was a big deal especially we have since married and a family now. AITA?
AITA for telling my sisters that my husband’s brother was incarcerated
r/AITAH
Comments
Your husband probably feels ashamed.NTA.
You’re not the asshole. Secrets like that aren’t just about him, they directly affect you, your safety, your family, and your future. Protecting yourself and leaning on the people you trust isn’t betrayal, it’s survival.
If he specifically told you not to tell anyone, and you agreed to that condition, and then your broke your commitment to him, then yeah I can see why he’s upset with you.
I think YTA because he was probably embarrassed and didn’t want anyone in your family to know. To him it WAS a big deal and he trusted you to not say anything. It would be different if he brought him around or he was going to be at family events, but close or not, you shouldn’t have done that.
Criminal records are public. Also for that type of offense it was probably in the news or at least police blotter. Most likely nothing a Google search wouldn’t reveal – not much of a secret. Your husband is fooling only himself if he thinks it isn’t out there. NTA
Yes he was most likely embarrassed and ashamed and I feel bad that he had to go through it. I just thought I could share it with my sisters as it was a very significant event for me too. I felt like I needed someone to talk to about it
YTA Husband did not want it shared. So much for respecting his wishes. So much for trust. So muchsss for integrity. Do you think those you told won’t tell others? Family secrets are family secrets. I don’t think I would stay married to a person who who would,, betray me like that. I any event the marraige has been damaged and the question is can It surrive? A marriage with out trust is doomed to fail. To me
The only thing you’ve done wrong is staying in a relationship with someone who wanted you to be unaware that you were in close contact with a dangerous criminal. I think you’re kind of stupid for that. He doesn’t care if you’re safe, he doesn’t think you have the right to know about the danger this man presents and therefore take informed risks. Your husband doesn’t respect you, in the very literal sense of respecting you as a real human being with a right to know things that affect you. Take this opportunity of family solidarity to get out of a relationship with someone who actively hid that you were in social proximity to a rapist. Yeah, sure, maybe you’re basically never around this man (although your post implies that wasn’t always the case). He could still come over at any time.
Anyone who actively works to protect a rapist is scum. A person with normal morals doesn’t do that. This is beyond being embarrassed (normal).
Some people are not comfortable sharing that type of information. I would’ve kept my mouth shut until he decided to divulge it since it IS his family member.
NTA. People convicted of SA have to register their address as one. Public records. My City shows a map of who and their location. I’d sure want my Sisters to know!
YTA and it is questionable if you can be trusted with any information of importance to him.
I am not suggesting divorce or counseling, etc. However, don’t expect him to put this betrayal behind him quickly or easily.
Sorry you don’t get to hide your brother’s SA from my sisters. If he went to jail for theft or petty drug charges that’s one thing. SA is another.
He’s a felon. It’s a public record not a secret.
Why did you marry Mr Red Flag? You have the bar really low if this is the guy that got over it. You had a family knowing he would hide a sexual predator? Wtf?
NTA this would be a deal breaker for me. What if you need overheard him? If you had kids he’d allow his rapist brother around your fucking children holy shit
You MARRIED this guy?? And agreed to keep this a secret?
Unbelievable.
Ok I’m sorry he didn’t tell you, had no plans of telling you, you only found out by accident, but you think it “would have” been a red flag if he didn’t tell you? Well you’re right, it WAS a red flag. He didn’t tell you and had no plans to. And then he goes on and makes you keep it a secret? I’m assuming that his brother is still in jail since your sisters asked why he wasn’t around, if he gets out is he going to be around again? Was he hoping to keep it secret from you and then bring his brother around you and your sisters? NTA but I am SO concerned this is gross.
Info
How are your sisters treating him now?
How are you treating him now?
NTA. Some things aren’t meant to be secret.