I (44F) have a high school aged son. He started at a new high school for freshman year in a distirct hed never been to before.
So, my son seems to have self confidence issues. He thinks the only way he can make friends is to offer them something. He’s very skilled academically, so what he feels he has to offer is answers on assignments in class.
Like, last year, if literally anyone asked him for answers be would give it up hoping they would like him. Same with group projects. He’d be doing other peoples part of the project to make it “Easier” on them.
After school last week, he was telling me (complaining about) how all said people didnt talk to him anymore even though they had talked in classes they had last year and thought they were friends. Or at least acquainted. I told him if he’d stop being a doormat and trying to win people over with giving them stuff and getting nothing in return he’d actually make some friends. I wasn’t trying to be rude as this post seems to be.
He’s been pretty distant since. AITA?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I (44F) have a high school aged son. He started at a new high school for freshman year in a distirct hed never been to before.
So, my son seems to have self confidence issues. He thinks the only way he can make friends is to offer them something. He’s very skilled academically, so what he feels he has to offer is answers on assignments in class.
Like, last year, if literally anyone asked him for answers be would give it up hoping they would like him. Same with group projects. He’d be doing other peoples part of the project to make it “Easier” on them.
After school last week, he was telling me (complaining about) how all said people didnt talk to him anymore even though they had talked in classes they had last year and thought they were friends. Or at least acquainted. I told him if he’d stop being a doormat and trying to win people over with giving them stuff and getting nothing in return he’d actually make some friends. I wasn’t trying to be rude as this post seems to be.
He’s been pretty distant since. AITA?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i MIGHt be the asshole because i called my son a name trying to teach him something.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA in my opinion. A parent’s job is to support kids and the way you handled it might have torn him down even more. There’s a reason why he’s like this…
YTA. No wonder he’s got self confidence issues.
YTA. so you thought it would somehow be helpful to call your son a doormat. and you wonder why he lacks in self confidence and thinks he has to make himself useful to people for them to like him? when his own parent put him down?
YTA completely. You don’t belittle someone into more self confidence. Jesus dude.
YTA. You raised your kid and then have the audacity to insult him.
Anyone would have confidence issues with you as a parent.
YTA OP because you are ruining your son’s confidence.
You shouldn’t have said that, and you should instead have a nice talk with him without calling him a doormat. You may have not sounded rude, but to your son, he felt it was rude, as he felt he could have trusted you to tell this to you.
YTA Now he knows that even his mom thinks he’s a loser.
Yep YTA. He confided and was vulnerable to you, his parent someone he trusted, about struggling at a new school where he doesn’t know a soul, you know he’s been struggling with confidence and you say that? Damn.
I’d be distancing from you too. Instead of listening and trying to support him you just deflated any confidence he had and lost a lot of trust and may never open up to you in the future. He has now learned that not only is he alone at school, he’s alone at home, too. That’s a brutal reality check for a kid.
Also where did he learn that the way to get someone to like you is to give? Hmmmm.
YTA – You are right about what the issue is, but you are not his bff you are his parent. You are supposed to guide him, and comfort him, and teach him right from wrong without being a dick about it. You were a dick about it last week. It’s going to be hard to undo that. No matter what you say he knows his mother thinks he is a doormat who doesn’t deserve friends.
High school is a tough place, especially for kids new to the district when everyone else isn’t. I was new to my district and I eventually made friends but it took me while. And frankly, using his skills and interests to make connections is a good idea, he just needs to be doing it by joining clubs and activities and spending time with people who enjoy the things he does, not doing other’s homework. Friends will not happen instantly, it will take weeks of having a consistent presecne in new people’s lives. You start by meeting them in class, sport, club etc. You talk there for a bit and get their number for activity related purposes. Then you start saying hi to them in the hall or other places outside of your regular meeting place, then you start inviting them to things and they invite you in return, you start texting and sending memes regularly, then you are part of the group and you join the gc and do lots of stuff together. It takes time, and school has only been in session for what? 3 weeks?
Go support your kid.
YTA, dude. You know you went too far.
YTA big time. He’s a freshman in high school trying to make friends. No wonder he has no self confidence, with a parent like you cheering him on🙄
YTA. That is not how to get someone to have more confidence.
Nothing you said was like “hey you’re a great guy and you don’t need to just give people answers to find some friends” or “don’t worry about it, it takes time to find the right people to click with, and you will because you have XYZ qualities.”
You just shat all over something he did already and cannot change instead of trying to give him either a listening ear or some suggestions for the future.
YTA, you can communicate without the doormat comment. I do know people who’s parents were like that, and I guess it worked (?)….. point geing, your not alone.
YTA For how you said it, but he does need to understand that what he’s doing is not the way to make friends, but is a way to get himself into deep trouble at school for academic dishonesty.
Have you tried encouraging him to make friends in other ways? Join clubs? Take classes that are more social like drama or debate?
Have you considered having him talk to a therapist to work on his self confidence issues?
YTA. Your son obviously lack self-esteem and instead of helping him build it, you’re actively tearing it down. It is your job as a parent to help your child build confidence and help him navigate social situation. And the fact that you don’t see that and even feel the needs to come here for validation is sickening. I’m wondering if you are part of the reason why he lacks self-confidence.
Do better, apologize to him and start over, but this time with empathy and helpful ideas.
YTA for how you phrased it. If you want him to stop being a doormat you need to build his self esteem up, eg “I worry that you feel the need to earn or buy people’s affection and don’t know how awesome you are and that you deserve company and friendship just for who you are”. It’s functionally addressing the same issue but it’s important to phrase things in a way that they will actually be helpful to the people hearing them.
YTA
So instead of trying to figure out why he is struggling socially and building his self confidence, you opt for making him feel worst about himself? Interesting strategy but not a good one.
How about considering therapy and getting him involved in activities that build his self-confidence and social skills (like karate, improv, toastmasters)? His teachers may also have some insight from working with kids his age on the regular.
He could need to build his confidence and social skills, he might not find “his” people at his school or it could be something more (like autism). But you’ll get much further by supporting him and building him up then by insulting him.
YTA and your son will forever remember that. My mom used to put us down all the time. Although I haven’t lived with her since 12 years old, to this day I will not dance in public because all I hear is her mocking me. You’re the parent. Your words are more important than anyone else’s.
Yes!!! Are you fr? You bully your son with name-calling, and act all surprised that he seems to have self confidence issues? Give me a break.
Hmm. I wonder where he could have learned that making things easier on people makes them like you. Tell me, when do you give him positive reinforcement? When he does favors for you that make things “easier” on you?
Newsflash, Mom: self confidence is something that is TAUGHT to our children. His lack of self confidence is a reflection of your parenting, not his character. Stop bullying your freaking child.
You’ve got a lot of work to do to undo the damage you’ve already done and actually prepare him for adulthood. Get it together.
He’s raised by a bully so he’s seeking validation from other people who also treat him poorly. Duh. Maybe do some self-reflection. YTA.
YTA luv. Poor kid
>I wasn’t trying to be as rude as this post seems to be.
So… you know you were being rude, then?
NTA you’re telling it like it is. Maybe my mom was just too German culturally, but…
false praise= hate
and
hard truth= love
If you love your son, you’ll tell him the truth like you did.
Edit: no woman likes a people-pleaser man, so you’re doing your son a favor now, before he gets to be a man and learns the harder way with some unloving woman.
Truth hurts. Parents these days are too timid and afraid to toughen up their kids for life.
Yta!!! Your son comes to you for advice and you tear him down. What is wrong with you? No wonder the poor kid has issues
Yta. No wonder he has self esteem issues.
Ok I’m confused. You said he started a new school in a new district, but then said “though they had talked in classes they had last year” so does he know people or not? Also YTA regardless. Don’t bully your own child. You don’t tell him he is a doormat, you assist him in navigating those conversations. Give him the tools to deal with people like you.
YTA. Have you always torn your son down or did you just decide to start at a vulnerable moment? Be better
You were too harsh. Kids nowadays are different. Get him to a therapist and please don’t crush his spirit. He’s trying to make friends. He maybe codependent or headed that way. I am not sure if it can be diagnosed this young. He could wind up with abusive controlling women. He needs love, support and understanding from you. Let him know that you love him and you hate to see him taken advantage of. You didn’t mean it when you called him a doormat. Also let him know he can always come to you no matter what just tell you the truth. Whatever the situation or problem is you can work on it together and fix it. Live in the solution because every problem has a solution. Let him know you want him to have an easy path in life not the bumpy road full of pot holes and detours. I’ll finish with this. It’s an old Chinese proverb. The wise man learns from his mistakes but the wiser man learns from others mistakes. OP please go give your son a hug. 🥰🙏💯
YTA – you have absolutely nothing useful to add.
Try constructive criticism, maybe with some support. Yanno, parenting.
YTA why not teach him how to make friends instead of how not to. Kids learn to do things from watching others so I would be weary of what you’re showing him.
NTA – I agree with what you said. People will take advantage of him at every turn and he will not get friends this way.
Maybe he’s quiet because he’s thinking about. Maybe he’s trying to work out what else he has to offer that people might think is worthwhile.
Could you have done more to level up his self esteem instead of tearing him down? Yeah, of course.
Not enough information here to know whether this is your normal parenting style or not.
A gently YTA for slamming him while he’s already down
YTA. Have you ever done ANYTHING to foster this poor kid’s self-confidence at ANY point in his life? Because he didn’t just become a “doormat” overnight and he didn’t get there on his own – self-confidence is a LEARNED SKILL, not innate, so if he hasn’t learned it by now it’s because YOU failed HIM, not the other way around.
YTA for not realising that you’ve outed yourself as your child’s bully.
You say that he believes that his only worth to people comes from what he achieves, not from who he is as a person.
That didn’t come from nowhere – it came from his parents.
And those parents (you!) are the ones who should have built his confidence and his social skills through his life – where else would a child learn that.
You have failed your son and now you are blaming him for it. Utterly AH behaviour.
YTA. You lack empathy and social skills. There are so many ways that you could have explained to him what will happen if he fawns over people like that but no, you just went for the jugular.
>
he’d actually make some friends
This part is especially vile. You are snide, sarcastic, and condescending towards your own child.
Why?
INFO: Where do you feel he learned this “eager to please”/doormat behaviour from?
It sounds like your awfully blunt with your kids
YTA – Have yoy as a mother taught your son that he has a value to the world outside of his academic smarts and what he can provide in barter? Have you conditioned your son be a kind person with empathy? Have you raised your son to be able to hear about others hobbies or lifestyle with interest, then share his own? Have you showed him what healthy, loving friendships and relationships look like?
So maybe your son does not have a backbone, but are you teaching him self-esteem, self respect, and self-confidence to set him up to be able to see the things for himself? Because like everything that backbone must be built and taught, so if he is fundamentally lacking that as a skill, you can certainly look to parenting for where he did not receive the resources to develop it.
YTA, he’s already lonely, now even his Mother isn’t a ‘safe’ friend for him.
Decent advice. Bad phrasing. Part of you knows it was bad, thats why you made the post.
Also adding the little “complaining about” makes you sound like you are annoyed he came to you in the first place.
YTA and your son will remember that comment the rest of his life
Yta u could word it in an uplifting way , more constructive. You just tore him down n made it worse. Apologize say it came out wrong & try again
Yes YTA. A friend called me a pushover matter-of-factly in HS and it completely changed the way I saw myself (in a bad way) and I became super self conscious and self critical. Be constructive when talking to a kid about how the world sees them; tough love, especially from a parent, can fuck someone up
Bot
YTA, that boy kid. Being a teens hard enough but especially with bully parents.
I’m on the fence. Maybe it’s because I’m a parent of some teens and almost teens and I know how much it can be “threading the needle” trying to get important things into their heads without them having an emotional flip out lol.
As such… I’m not sure I can call you the AH. But you did handle it a bit indelicately. Is this an issue you’ve had past conversations on and nothing got through? I can maybe get slipping up but… if you’ve had prior conversations on this topic maybe the tough love approach was needed.
As such, I’m not going to give a verdict yet, but I’ll add an INFO: Is he in therapy or anything else for this people pleasing behavior? This does need an intervention, but if you’re not getting through repeatedly and are worried you can’t get through with different tracks it may need a neutral third party to dig into this.
Not one to say “therapy!” in every situation but this one might need it.
YTA- Keep that up and your son won’t confide in you anymore. Do you really think that making him feel bad about himself is going to help him? Take a long hard look at yourself, do you make your son feel like he has to earn your love? No wonder he’s people pleasing, this is all on you.
Yeah that’s asshole behavior you need to instead teach your son the proper way of making friends his issue is confidence and communication which you shot one in the foot with that comment
Instead of giving advice, ask open-ended questions. “Why do you think they’re not friendly?” “What could you do differently?” “What are you looking for in a friend?” Etc etc
My son has issues with his self-confidence, so I called him a doormat. Jesus Christ., seriously?
YTA for not teaching him social skills sooner. NTA for telling him how it is, but you should follow up with ways to make friends and how to be a friend. Remember he grew up largely during Covid times so skills were not properly developed
YTA
You already stated he has self confidence issues. So your brilliant idea was to be a rude AH to him?
Did it ever occur to you to parent him and encourage him and give him ideas to help him?
Given how you acted here, it’s really no shock that he has self confidence issues.
YTA That is not “tough love” that is breaking his self confidence down even more. Not very good advice and hurtful from the person that is supposed to be his safe space. How about encouraging him to join activities or groups with like minded kids. Telling him to keep trying and keep himself open to potential friendships and that it will happen for him at some point because he is a smart and good natured kid. Lots of better options than insulting him.
NTA… you should definitely have this talk again, but MUCH GENTLER. He needs to know about people pleasers, takers vs. givers relationships, organic friendships, and finding true friends. He’s definitely settling himself up for failure, and you were not wrong with what you told him. However, with a person who feels they have to basically buy friendships and low self-esteem, you need to explain it piece by piece in a loving AND matter of fact way.
YTA – you should teach your kid life skills in an emotionally intelligent way. Calling him names is not going to help him, and likely will further damage his self esteem.
Unfortunately, even if you say 50 kind things to a teenager and hurl 1 insult, they are likely to remember that 1 insult. Now he gonna spend his time thinking even his mom doesn’t like him.
YTA. “My son has confidence issues. I’m gonna help him out by making it worse!”
YTA, build him up, don’t tear him down. Yes, he needs to understand that if he makes his interactions with his peers transactional, they will learn that he’s just a resource to be used, but you should encourage him and let him know he’s a great person who will be liked for himself when he finds the right people, and that’s probably not those who just want to use him.
You mean well but your wording is a little harsh. This may work for some kids, but not a doormat kid. Gentle YTA. Try to put yourself in his shoes and build him up. Help him see he is valuable in and of himself, not based on what he contributes or how well he does in school or the family, etc. Help him build up his self esteem by building up his capability in a variety of areas. Capability naturally nurtures self esteem and confidence. As he finds hobbies he’s good at, he’ll naturally find like minded people, and therefore, his own “crowd”.
Yes, we didn’t need this. But kids today are different. They haven’t been given opportunities to learn to make difficult decisions on their own, trust themselves, and feel they can handle their shit.
NTA – indelicate but not inaccurate.
If he’s a doormat you’re the one who laid him out in front of the door, and the first to walk on him. You should be ashamed.