So I, F15, told my step dad yesterday night “Your not my real dad and you never will be” at dinner. He has been my step dad ever since I was 5, my real dad has never been here for me or my mom for my whole life and my sisters, throughout time when I was younger I thought he was my biological dad until about the age of 7, when my mom told me he isn’t. It didn’t hurt at first. But as I started to grow up I started hearing about what my step dad did, he cheated on my mom, spent money on sex workers, and even slept with them. I heard them fighting every 2 months. My mom was yelling and slamming objects but my step dad never yelled back, he was calm but still angry. Throughout time their yelling got louder and more aggressive. I would have to walk to my grandparents house cause their yelling got so bad. My mom would yell at him to leave and pack his stuff, he never left for more than 2 days, he would always come back. I remember I would call my online friends shaking and sobbing on the phone and they would hear the yelling from my microphone, which that’s how loud it got. My mom and step dad kept apologizing to me about the fighting. They one time had thrown something so loud i thought it was a gunshot. (my step dad has guns and it made the fighting even more scary.) It started with the raised voice, then yelling, then the crying. Slamming doors and screaming for almost a week straight every few months. Last night at dinner my mom was talking about what my step dad did. (she does that a lot.) He walked in and said his usual “Hey babe! Hi Kiko!” And I was so angry from hearing what they both did everyday for half of my life. And I just struck out and told him straight “Your not my real dad.” And my mom yelled at me and I just ran to my room and slammed the door. And now my step dad is upset why I said that. Am I an asshole for saying that?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
So I, F15, told my step dad yesterday night “Your not my real dad and you never will be” at dinner. He has been my step dad ever since I was 5, my real dad has never been here for me or my mom for my whole life and my sisters, throughout time when I was younger I thought he was my biological dad until about the age of 7, when my mom told me he isn’t. It didn’t hurt at first. But as I started to grow up I started hearing about what my step dad did, he cheated on my mom, spent money on sex workers, and even slept with them. I heard them fighting every 2 months. My mom was yelling and slamming objects but my step dad never yelled back, he was calm but still angry. Throughout time their yelling got louder and more aggressive. I would have to walk to my grandparents house cause their yelling got so bad. My mom would yell at him to leave and pack his stuff, he never left for more than 2 days, he would always come back. I remember I would call my online friends shaking and sobbing on the phone and they would hear the yelling from my microphone, which that’s how loud it got. My mom and step dad kept apologizing to me about the fighting. They one time had thrown something so loud i thought it was a gunshot. (my step dad has guns and it made the fighting even more scary.) It started with the raised voice, then yelling, then the crying. Slamming doors and screaming for almost a week straight every few months. Last night at dinner my mom was talking about what my step dad did. (she does that a lot.) He walked in and said his usual “Hey babe! Hi Kiko!” And I was so angry from hearing what they both did everyday for half of my life. And I just struck out and told him straight “Your not my real dad.” And my mom yelled at me and I just ran to my room and slammed the door. And now my step dad is upset why I said that. Am I an asshole for saying that?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I had yelled at my step dad who has been in my life since I was 3-5 years old that he wasn’t my real dad after dealing with the fighting of my parents for years. And I feel like I took it way too far instead of talking to my step dad about what he’s done. It felt like I shouldn’t have yelled but should’ve told him why he isn’t my real dad and how he makes me feel.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, it may have been “unprovoked” but reality is you have been holding it in for years through their arguments. It’s a shame parents don’t realise how big an impact things like that have on the kids.
I don’t think you’re the asshole. He’s not, and he isn’t acting like one either. Don’t feel bad. Your going to be okay. Exactly why is your mom staying with him and yelling at you for stating a fact? They’re both abusive.
[deleted]
NTA
NTA. You’ve been put through a lot of stress at such a young age. You’re allowed to be annoyed at your step-dad for treating your mom so badly. He is not your real dad and frankly does not deserve to be considered that given his behaviour.
NTA – your home life sounds incredibly abusive. Do you have anywhere to go?
NTA idk what your mum and stepdad expected raising a child in such a volatile environment.
This is a perfect example on why it is better to divorce than stay together for the kids.
You’re not the asshole. Your parental figures have the emotional maturity of someone your own age. If your mom is so upset with she needs to leave. Unfortunately she sounds like she may addicted to the drama. Please remember that life can and will get better.
NTA. Your home situation sounds terrible. I don’t think lashing out that he isn’t your real Dad is going to change anything but snapping is understandable. You need to loop some trusted adults into this mess – school counsellor, doctor, grandparents, aunts, uncles, maybe the parents of a friend if there is someone you trust.
NTA. I’m not going to say ESH because you’re fucking FIFTEEN years old. You’re not going to be an asshole for lashing out to something this extreme.
Your home life is incredibly abusive. I completely understand being terrified, especially with guns around. If you can, I would really heavily suggest asking your grandmother if you can stay with her.
Otherwise, like other people have said, try seeing if there’s anyone else you can stay with. Look into legal emancipation too. These do not sound like parents at all.
ESH (mostly your parents). You’re angry for legitimate reasons. But think about it…if your biological father was still in the picture, and treating your mother this way, you’d have the same issues with him. Would you declare to him that he wasn’t your father anymore? Even though your step dad is a shitty partner to your mom, he’s been in your life since 5 years old and you have no other paternal figure. Didn’t he help you tie your shoes, get you to school, go to your competitions? If he’s functioned as a proper father to you (ignoring how he treats your mom) then I’d say lightly YTA for exploding.
Your parents are the real AH here, their relationship is toxic. Your father should be respectful to your mom and stop cheating. Your mom shouldn’t be dumping this bullshit onto you in private. She’s the adult and she should be protecting you instead.
NTA. You are dealing with trauma here, best as you can. You need safety, and you’re not getting it with them. That said, you may need to apologize to stay safe.
Can you live with your grandparents for a while?
Is there any adult you can talk to for help in how to cope with this? (School counselor, religious leader, therapist, grandparents)
Sometime when they are not yelling, try saying (maybe with both of them in the room) “I’m sorry I said you’re not my real dad. I was lashing out because of all the fighting you and mom do. Can you and mom stop fighting? Either go to a relationship therapist or break up, but please stop fighting. I am upset all the time because of the fighting.”
Good luck. This is adults messing up, and you, a kid, stuck with their bad choices. When you grow up, talk to a therapist about how not to make the same bad choice, it will help you a lot. I am so sorry.
ESH. You need to get yourself therapy immediately. It sounds like a massively traumatic household. Remember. Hurt people hurt people. You will cause harm if you don’t get help.
NTA, they’re the adults not you. Sorry you have to go through all that.
NTA, your mom is for bringing you into their relationship.
NTA. The sentence itself is an AH thing to say, however, it pales so incredibly much in the face of all of the trauma and abuse you are dealing with in your family life that it’s barely worth mentioning. You’re fifteen — you get a pass from me for shooting off at the mouth here.
I know you said you are seeing a therapist, and that you don’t have a safe space right now to be truthful about what you’re going through. I just want you to know that you don’t deserve to have to live this way. Keep staying safe, and don’t give up on yourself.
NTA. I’m so sorry that you’re having to grow up in that environment.
ESH
Them because they’re adults and not acting like it.
You mostly get a pass because you’re 15. You’re going to have outbursts and not handle things as well as you could have if you were being your best self a lot more often than you eventually will. But admitting to yourself that you could have handled it better, and probably achieved a better outcome, in other words seeing that you were an A-hole, is how we grow and get better.
You’ll get better at it. Talk things through with a trusted adult. You mentioned grandparents. Are they safe to talk to? A teacher? You need someone close to the situation to evaluate it with you for safety.
Your living situation is unacceptable.
You deserve not to hear your parents fighting on a regular basis.
NTA.
NTA. Your stepdad literally FAFO. I hope your mom finds the strength to kick him out and not let him back.
Yikes, OP. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Your mom should not be sharing with you the details of her relationship with your step-dad. Unfortunately, she is. This is wildly inappropriate and puts you in a very uncomfortable spot. (My mom also did this.)
If your step-dad cheated and used sex workers it’s a betrayal. It is. But you should not have to deal with it. You should not have to be your mom’s sounding board. You’re not her therapist, sibling or friend; you’re her child.
Whatever your step-dad did or didn’t do, it sounds like your parents’ relationship is not a healthy one. But it is not your responsibility to fix their relationship. If you are able to step back from your mom’s vomiting of the details, try to do so. She doesn’t need to pull you further into the toxic miasma they have created.
I yelled “you’re not my real dad,” at my step-dad a lot. He was actually an amazing dad and we are close now (I’m 55, for context). If my brilliant step-dad could listen to my BS for about ten dang years (undeserving), yours can deal with a little bit of teenage anger. Especially since it seems pretty clear that he deserves it.
NTA. Hang in there. Stay safe.
“Hey Mom, in case you were wondering, I do notice how much step-dad cheats on you, how much he disrespects you, and how much you bend over and just take it. Is this just how relationships are? Should I just accept that whoever I end up dating will want more on the side and that self-respect isnt as important as I thought it was? Was this the example of a relationship you pictured setting for me when you married him?”
Send her that text
I was in that position from 10 – 13. Stepfather was a functioning alcoholic and my mom nearly became so too. They used to beat the crap out of each other and break stuff. Cheated, all of it. One night it was so bad I didn’t know who would be alive in the morning, and the sad part was I didn’t care. I just wanted it to stop. Mom finally had enough and dumped him. At your age, it’s so hard to talk to them. It’s like nothing you say can be important because you’re just a kid If you can stay with someone else that would be great. My mom was terrified of being without a husband. Yours might be as well, but for damned sure you’re suffering for it. I’m pulling for you. Hugs!
You said it to purposely make him feel as bad as you felt. You lashed out for the sake of lashing out.
It sounds like you come by that tactic honestly, it sounds like that’s how your mom behaves. But it’s not a healthy or constructive way to deal with situations.
You’re at the perfect age to notice this and learn to do better, so that you don’t take this behavior into your own future relationships. Please work on that.
Gentle YTA because it wasn’t a good thing to do, but you’re still learning how to have good relationships, so not a huge AH.
Not the AH. You’re just a kid who’s pissed off. Your parents aren’t acting all that great either and they’re supposed to be the adults. He is your father because he’s been there most of your life, you know that right?
NTA.
Your parents are the assholes. Your stepdad shouldn’t be cheating on your mom. Your mom shouldn’t be venting to you about your stepdad cheating. Neither of them should be having these volatile arguments in front of you. These are all very traumatic for children! It’s hard enough being a teenager. You should at least have a safe space to go home to but they won’t even give you that!