I (16F) lost my mom when I was 13. It was awful, and I still think about her every day.
My dad started dating again about a year after, and married “Becky” a few months ago. She’s not a bad person, but she keeps trying to act like she’s my mom. She calls herself my parent, signs cards “mom,” and even refers to me as her daughter on Facebook.
I’ve tried to be polite. I told her I’m not comfortable with that yet, and I’d prefer we just build a relationship slowly. I’m not rude—I say thank you, I help out, I’m respectful.
But last night at her birthday dinner, she stood up and gave a speech in front of everyone about how I’m “the daughter she always dreamed of” and how she “feels like she gave birth to me in her heart.”
I was super uncomfortable and said something like, “I appreciate what you’re trying to say, but I’m not ready to see you as my mom.”
She started crying, my dad got upset, and now I’m grounded for “ruining the moment.”
I honestly didn’t mean to be hurtful—I just don’t want to be forced into a role I’m not ready for.
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I (16F) lost my mom when I was 13. It was awful, and I still think about her every day.
My dad started dating again about a year after, and married “Becky” a few months ago. She’s not a bad person, but she keeps trying to act like she’s my mom. She calls herself my parent, signs cards “mom,” and even refers to me as her daughter on Facebook.
I’ve tried to be polite. I told her I’m not comfortable with that yet, and I’d prefer we just build a relationship slowly. I’m not rude—I say thank you, I help out, I’m respectful.
But last night at her birthday dinner, she stood up and gave a speech in front of everyone about how I’m “the daughter she always dreamed of” and how she “feels like she gave birth to me in her heart.”
I was super uncomfortable and said something like, “I appreciate what you’re trying to say, but I’m not ready to see you as my mom.”
She started crying, my dad got upset, and now I’m grounded for “ruining the moment.”
I honestly didn’t mean to be hurtful—I just don’t want to be forced into a role I’m not ready for.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my stepmom that I don’t see her as my mom during her birthday dinner, after she gave a speech about feeling like my real parent. It was her birthday, the dinner was in front of a lot of people, and my response made her cry and ruined the mood. I could’ve waited and told her privately instead of saying it publicly.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. She’s trying to force being a mum on you. It’s not fair on you and you have told her before. Your dad is wrong to ground you. He should be defending you and telling her to respect boundaries.
She’s trying and you’re trying. She’s just trying too hard. Talk with your father alone, then have a conversation with her with your father.
NTA. Do not let her legally adopt you, especially if your dad is financially comfortable (assuming you are in the US). It’s a long story, but this is starting to sound too familiar. I was 14 when my mom died…
To be honest by trying to force the relationship they are only pushing you further away, my Dad passed when i was 10 and it took me many years to accept my step dad but we have a great relationship now.
edit: deffo NTA
NTA Could you have picked a better time? Maybe held your tongue at dinner? Sure. But it sounds like you tried and tried. She’s not acting like a parent. She’s putting her needs first over yours. Where is your dad in all this?
This is mostly on your father then your step mother. I am glad you are respectful and understand you were frustrated and that is what drove you to speaking out because it seems like everyone wants you to forget about your mother and lingering grief. I would try to ask for some sort of group counseling.
NTA
NTA, you expressed your boundaries and they better realize the more they push, the more damage they will inflict on your relationship with them.
Wait for the dust to settle and talk to your dad that you’ve told her repeatedly that you weren’t ready to call her mom, you give her respect and you would like the same consideration.
You can’t force love.
NTA, and after only 2 years that’s super uncomfortable
It’s pretty controlling that your father grounded you for your feelings nothing should ever be forced
NTA. She isn’t your mom.
I’ll go with NTA. I think your stepmom is trying very hard, but didn’t respect your previous boundary. Nevertheless, it was a nice comment she made and I think you could have waited until after the dinner to make that statement instead of ruining the moment. You need to talk with your dad about this.
It’s not right you are grounded because you spoke your truth even though it was at the wrong time. The fact that your dad and his wife don’t hear you or care about your feelings is the bigger problem.
You know what’s funny? A true parent puts the needs of the kid above their own. Meanwhile, she’s attempting to forcibly insert herself into a role that does not belong to her. You are NTA and she is super creepy and weird. And your dad isn’t much better. His job is literally to protect you and he is failing.
I think your step mom means well but went about it entirely wrong. You can’t ‘force’ a step child to think of you as a mom. NTA on your part.
NAH for me.
She’s just trying to be your ‘mom’ maybe because she wants to connect to you, or love you like she loves your dad because she knows you are an extension of him in a sense. I may be wrong—she IS trying to force herself as your mother, but I don’t think she’s being an asshole.
Likewise, you got uncomfortable and you asserted your feelings after holding it back in for so long. You could have chosen a better time, perhaps, but that can ideally happen when emotions are regulated—and it’s hard to do so if what’s making you uncomfortable has persisted for 2 years.
Deffo NAH—just a misalignment of emotional pacing and readiness imo.
Soft YTA.
And before anyone down votes me, read through and really think about my reasoning.
It’s clear your stepmom loves you. I mean really, really loves you. And you threw that love in her face at her birthday dinner.
Sorry, but that was kind of cruel. She’s surrounded by family and close friends, the people she loves the most, and you are among those people.
She’s not an evil stepmom. She’s not abusive towards you, or neglectful. She treats you as if you were her own.
This woman is the best case scenario for a stepmom.
And you could have had a quiet talk with her the next day and kindly explained to her how you feel without all those sets of eyes on the two of you.
And instead you chose to say it publicly, in front of everyone else, and embarrass her.
Is she overstepping? Yeah, a little. I never forced my stepson to call me mom. We call each other heart son and heart mom because that’s what we chose together.
No, she shouldn’t try to force things.
But when she’s done nothing but love you, she doesn’t deserve public embarrassment.
You should apologize for how you did it, and then calmly explain your own feelings.
In private.
NTA
Absolutely NTA. I’m sure she has good intentions, but if she really wants to treat you like a good parent would, she should start by caring about your feelings and comfort. Relationships are two-way, which means you and your feelings make up 50% of it– not just hers. You are not a prop for anyone’s sense of self-fulfillment (or presentation thereof).
NTA- stepmom needs to back off and your dad moved on pretty fast. Like I get it your dad was probably lonely and felt like you being young needed a mother figure in your life but man moving on in a year is fast. Stepmom thinking she could come in and just assume that role is pretty fucked up.
Your dad is AH
You are NTA
She’s pushing for the role of being your ‘mom’, that you’re not ready (if ever) to offer her. Disregarding your feelings in favour of her own, won’t make you sympathetic to her wishes, or give you any insensitive to try. Bonds that happen naturally are more likely to be more effective than those that are forced.
You are NTA, but your dad and stepmom sure are. Forcing a relationship is a big no no, and you have every right to have boundaries. I guess you just have to survive until you are on yoir own, than you can keep them at a distance. Nta
NTA
You’ve been clear on your boundaries and how you’d like to move forwards.
Your grief is your own and no one gets to step in front of it trying to replace a loss.
Making such a sweeping statement at a family gathering wasn’t about you, it was about her. Be proud of yourself for behaving so maturely and answering her respectfully yet again.
Maybe she will listen now she was humiliated by her own totally avoidable actions.
Edit: she means well. It’s worth remembering that, however she has handled this poorly.
NTA. You’ve only known this woman for 2 years (tops). She is absolutely forcing this mother/daughter relationship. I also think it’s incredibly unfair that your father has punished you for having feelings and speaking your truth. Maybe after the dust settles, you can speak to your father privately about how much Becky is forcing this. I would, however, be prepared for your father to not want to get involved in the name of “keeping the peace”.
Therapy. Both you and your dad for grief counseling and then group therapy cuz Becky doing way too much
NTA. She’s not your mom, you set clear boundaries that she crossed, and you literally lost your mom only 3 years ago.. I’m so sorry for your loss OP and for your step mom and dad’s inconsideration of how you feel. Sounds like step mom is living vicariously through your passed on mom by claiming you as her own. Keep being respectful because that is what mature people do, but honestly if she pulls this crap again you have the right to exclude her from your life in ways that you can.
NTA you should not let some woman ignore your boundaries like that. That’s not very motherly.
NTA
Your dad is. Why isn’t he advocating for your comfort. Do not give an inch of your comfort for her entitlement.
NTA
You are NTA. I personally think the “daughter she always dreamed of” was a nice comment to make had she given you your personal space to get to add her to your roster of parents. Obviously she can’t ever replace your real mom, eventually I feel like having another parent though is cool when you need someone there for you. Besides that one thing everything else she’s done seems very forced, I hope she can see how it makes you feel and gives you the space you need. I’m sorry about your mom. I can’t imagine what it’s like.
Not only do you pick your battles in life but you also pick your locations. This was not the time and place.
You are very lucky you don’t have an Evil Stepmother. This woman is doing all she can to provide love for you. The new wife could have ignored you and treated you bad.
Go apologize to your Stepmother for the incident (that was not the place) and ask her to sit down and discuss the issue as a young adult should.
yes forced family is such a good thing longterm – we all can read about them here on reddit
your feeling are valid – 1000 days to heal are nothing … i needed much more wenn i los my dad and later my mom…
NTA
NTA. The role of mom (or parent in general) is one you earn, not one you get by marrying or having kids with someone. She may be your stepmom legally because she married your dad, but she’s tried to force a relationship on you instead of doing what my stepdad did and let it happen organically.
NTA
Sorry for your loss. It was only 3 years ago.
I think Becky is forcing this. She absolutely should care for you and love you but it’s also wildly inappropriate to force the mom title on you because any rational person would find it hard. I wish Becky did this more at your pace.
My friend lost her dad and it took her about a decade to call her stepdad dad. She got to dictate when she was ready.
NTA, you were extremely respectful in your phrasing and handling of the situation.
NTA you need to sit her down and be clear she didn’t give birth to you and she doesn’t get to take credit for you. Your mom died. She’s not replacing her with you. Be clear she needs to stop this or it will seriously negatively effect any relationship you might have in the future.
NTA. She needs to respect your boundaries, your grief, and your discomfort with being publicly touted as “her daughter” in a way that erases your actual mother from the narrative of your life.
I know that rejection can hurt– even if it is gentle (I (30M) have rejection sensitive dysphoria)– but, as someone who lost someone Incredibly close to me suddenly in 2021, if ANYONE E V E R implied that they could replace that person then I would simply lose my entire mind.
I’m glad you’ve been respectful and helpful and it shows that you care but, if She cared half as much, she wouldn’t be pressing this issue publicly. It seems like she probably feels really insecure about you not jumping right into the ‘mom’ thing, but she’s a grown woman who needs to give you a lot more time to come to terms with your loss and figure out what your relationship with her will be like.
You have the right to tell her and its true that your step mom is not your real mom its the truth not a lie 😹
NTA and if you have a guidance counselor at school, you can talk to them about this kind of thing.
NTA. She put you in an impossible position and you handled it with far more grace than most people would have it’s okay to not be ready to call her mom.
NTA – forcing an relationship is a huge no no
NTA. Honey, I am so sorry for your loss and that your dad is making you responsible for a grown woman’s feelings.
You don’t need to accept her as a parent just because she married your dad.
My dad did this with my mom and my older half sisters. Their mom passed when they were very young and one of them didn’t even know she was a step mom until she was 8. It was super fucked up. Suffice to say only one of the four of us still talks to them.
NTA. Now, referring to herself as your parent, that is a little different, because legally, she is a parent, a step parent. However, you have made it clear that you aren’t ready for that type of relationship.
You lost your mom, and while it is lovely that “Becky” wants to love you like a mother loves a daughter, she needs to respect your needs, because that loss is HUGE. She should have come to you and told you that she wants to love you but knows that there is no way that she can replace your mom. Because she can’t. And the biggest issue with a lot of adults is that they see a role that they can fill and think that they should. You are missing your mom, but no one can really fill that void, because people can’t be replaced.
These are YOUR feelings. My heart is breaking for you. You shouldn’t be grounded, because you didn’t do anything wrong. I mean, sure, in an ideal world you wouldn’t have hurt her feelings, but that wasn’t your fault. You might have ruined the moment, but it sounds like she and your dad are trying to FORCE this, and that isn’t how love works.