We’ve been married for 9 years, we’re in our 30s and have 2 kids. For the most part I think our relationship is great. We don’t really struggle with jealousy or insecurity or the like usually, until recently.
I know this makes me sound horrible but I never really got along with one of her friend groups. These are some of her work friends she started hanging out with about a year ago. Nothing really against them, just didn’t really think it was my crowd. It’s 2 married guys & 2 women who are divorced (one recently so), and the few times I came along with my wife to their hangouts it was mostly work talk I didn’t find particularly interesting. So usually I’d just stay home & care for the kids to save money on the sitter & let my wife go, but I was clear with my wife that I just didn’t really enjoy that particular group and while I encourage her to go out and socialize, I just didn’t want to come. She was fine at first, but then the group started pressuring her into bringing me as the guys started bringing their wives around & one of the gals found a partner so she was feeling awkward coming without me. We argued for a bit but after a few times she said it was important to her that I come so I agreed.
Well, to my surprise it turned out I get on really well with one of the guy’s wives. We just hit it off immediately because we’re a very similar type of geek so we’d just talk about TV or movies or anime while the others did their thing. I thought I cracked the code, because now whenever spouses were invited to the hangouts I could show up & have a good time, and I thought it’d make my wife happy. It did not.
Instead of her being happy that I’m coming, she’s now acting jealous & saying that it’s weird how close I’m getting to that woman. I told her it’s not weird, she’s just the one person I get along with well in that group outside of herself. My wife asked if I would make more of an effort to not just interact with her, and I said no. I again said that the choice was hers – she could invite me to the hangouts or not invite me, and I would respect it. Moreover – I’m not actually close to that woman. I don’t have her number, we aren’t connected on socials, I genuinely have no contact with her outside of the group, but if my wife is going to insist I come to these things, I’m not going to force myself into having a worse time. My wife said I’m an AH for not putting her needs & wants first, but I told her that’s selfish to claim, because she’s basically telling me to put myself last regularly so she can both get to bring me to these hangouts but also discourage me from enjoying myself when I come. It seems controlling and petty. So I just again said she can decide if she wants me there or not, but she does not get to dictate how I behave. So AITAH?
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Original copy of post’s text by /u/ArdentBagel:
We’ve been married for 9 years, we’re in our 30s and have 2 kids. For the most part I think our relationship is great. We don’t really struggle with jealousy or insecurity or the like usually, until recently.
I know this makes me sound horrible but I never really got along with one of her friend groups. These are some of her work friends she started hanging out with about a year ago. Nothing really against them, just didn’t really think it was my crowd. It’s 2 married guys & 2 women who are divorced (one recently so), and the few times I came along with my wife to their hangouts it was mostly work talk I didn’t find particularly interesting. So usually I’d just stay home & care for the kids to save money on the sitter & let my wife go, but I was clear with my wife that I just didn’t really enjoy that particular group and while I encourage her to go out and socialize, I just didn’t want to come. She was fine at first, but then the group started pressuring her into bringing me as the guys started bringing their wives around & one of the gals found a partner so she was feeling awkward coming without me. We argued for a bit but after a few times she said it was important to her that I come so I agreed.
Well, to my surprise it turned out I get on really well with one of the guy’s wives. We just hit it off immediately because we’re a very similar type of geek so we’d just talk about TV or movies or anime while the others did their thing. I thought I cracked the code, because now whenever spouses were invited to the hangouts I could show up & have a good time, and I thought it’d make my wife happy. It did not.
Instead of her being happy that I’m coming, she’s now acting jealous & saying that it’s weird how close I’m getting to that woman. I told her it’s not weird, she’s just the one person I get along with well in that group outside of herself. My wife asked if I would make more of an effort to not just interact with her, and I said no. I again said that the choice was hers – she could invite me to the hangouts or not invite me, and I would respect it. Moreover – I’m not actually close to that woman. I don’t have her number, we aren’t connected on socials, I genuinely have no contact with her outside of the group, but if my wife is going to insist I come to these things, I’m not going to force myself into having a worse time. My wife said I’m an AH for not putting her needs & wants first, but I told her that’s selfish to claim, because she’s basically telling me to put myself last regularly so she can both get to bring me to these hangouts but also discourage me from enjoying myself when I come. It seems controlling and petty. So I just again said she can decide if she wants me there or not, but she does not get to dictate how I behave. So AITAH?
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I get why your wife might feel a little uncomfortable, but it doesn’t sound like you’re crossing any boundaries. You’re respecting the group, not overstepping outside of it, and just clicking with someone. If she insists you attend, she should accept that you’ll naturally talk to the people you get along with. Otherwise, it feels like she just wants to control the situation.
So- your wife is seeing that you really click with another woman and it is making her feel insecure. You are NTA- but I would ask her how you can help her feel more comfortable and secure in your relationship without this bs around who you can and can’t talk to.
The truth is: controlling your behavior will never truly make her feel safe. It’s just a bandaid. Being open and connecting with our partners is what reinforces our bonds and created reassurance.
You don’t expect her to stop talking to her male colleagues or the new bf of her female colleague (I assume). So why shouldn’t you be allowed to talk to her coworkers wife? You have shared interests with her, while you don’t have much to talk about with the other people in this group.
Your wife is even with you when you talk to her. It’s not like you meet up alone with her coworkers wife.
As long as you haven’t left anything out of your description, I don’t see a problem – NTA
NTA for giving your wife what she wants and then not letting her move the boundaries to want something else
NTA, she’s using you to look better around her coworker friends. You need to remind her of that. If I were you(I also love anime, video games, etc) I would stop going because shes disrespecting how YOU feel and wants you to be there doing nothing just for her own image.
NTA. But you need to quit fucking around and tell her you’re not going to that bullshit meetup anymore and tell her the reasons clearly. 🤦♂️
Or have her attend one of your hobbies, which she has completely no interest in, and if she talks to any of the guys there, come down on her for it. After a few times going together, she will realize your pain and will stop forcing you to go with her, if she’s sane. 🙄
Dude don’t be weird. You are supposed to make an effort to chat with all her friends, particularly the guys. Not be hyper focused on one woman. Of course that’s weird.
Good for you for standing up for yourself.
This depends on how you are interacting with the woman in question. Do you immediately seek her out, sit next to her, ignore other people in the group?
Does she have a spouse or BF? Is she ignoring him? Or is she single?
NTA. You’ve made your feelings crystal clear about her friend group and you’ve let her make the final decision about whether you go or not. The only thing I would suggest is that you have a proper conversation about why she feels insecure because it is a problem that won’t go away.
Ugh, of all the non-problems. Your wife sounds like a handful. No one should treat their spouse the way she’s treating you. I can understand if you’d established contact with this woman or were touchy in person, but it sounds like you’re just vibing on have common interests and being a plus one at this coworker gathering. It’s easy to feel like an outsider at someone else’s work events. Your wife needs to understand and respect this, and be grateful that you’ve found a way to make attendance tolerable for you.
NTA. She is. And she should be ashamed of herself.
NTA at all.