47/M here. Married (45/F) with two kids (17/M and 16/F). My daughter is going into her Junior year in high school, and has been involved in band since middle school. My wife became a member of the Band Boosters (the parents/adults who are behind the scenes fundraising and taking care of the peripherals, i.e. chaperones, uniforms, etc.) two years ago, and was put in charge of the marching band uniforms. The uniforms are custom ordered, and are a two-piece outfit, with a pair of ski-pants type bib overalls, covered by a short jacket. The uniforms get their wear and tear from the students, and have to be repaired and washed during summer break, a large task considering there are over 200 uniforms for the school.
My wife brought home approximately 30 uniforms that needed to be repaired, washed, and returned. The uniforms were fixed, but were not washed commercially, but instead in my personal household washer (my wife didn’t want to take the risk of damaging the uniforms by washing them commercially) and hung on a large rolling costume rack to drip-dry. Unfortunately, due to both of our schedules, the uniforms didn’t get returned immediately, but sat in my house for several weeks. As my wife had keys to the band room, I left it to her good graces to take the uniforms back.
Cut to today – my wife finally had the time to return the uniforms. As we finished loading them into the car, I suggested she should take the large costume rack with her, since there was nothing we needed it for, other than the uniforms. She replied “Oh, I’m bringing (daughter’s) section’s uniforms back to the house” (another 30 or so uniforms). I asked why, and she replied “They have to be washed before the season starts”.
“Are you washing them in our washer?” I asked.
“Well, yeah…” she replied.
It was at this time that I put my foot down. “Look,” I said, “we can wash our daughter’s uniform, but the others aren’t coming back here. Either the parents can have their kids take their individual uniforms home and wash them, or they’re getting washed commercially. I’m not putting the wear and tear on my personal washer to wash the entire band’s uniforms. If something happens, and the washer destroys a uniform, we’re financially on the hook for it. Likewise, if the washer somehow gets damaged, that’s also out of my pocket.”
She tried to justify it, saying it was only my daughter’s section and that’s it, but I repeated that the other parents could be responsible and wash their child’s uniforms, or take them all to a commercial laundromat/dry cleaner, but I was not going to be responsible for washing the rest of the band’s uniforms in my house. She went silent, got in the car and left.
My feeling is that if I backtrack and tell her yes, then how long before more uniforms, or other items, come back to the house to get washed? I understand that she is the head of the uniform committee, but that shouldn’t mean that my house has to become the revolving laundromat for the school.
Am I The Asshole?
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47/M here. Married (45/F) with two kids (17/M and 16/F). My daughter is going into her Junior year in high school, and has been involved in band since middle school. My wife became a member of the Band Boosters (the parents/adults who are behind the scenes fundraising and taking care of the peripherals, i.e. chaperones, uniforms, etc.) two years ago, and was put in charge of the marching band uniforms. The uniforms are custom ordered, and are a two-piece outfit, with a pair of ski-pants type bib overalls, covered by a short jacket. The uniforms get their wear and tear from the students, and have to be repaired and washed during summer break, a large task considering there are over 200 uniforms for the school.
My wife brought home approximately 30 uniforms that needed to be repaired, washed, and returned. The uniforms were fixed, but were not washed commercially, but instead in my personal household washer (my wife didn’t want to take the risk of damaging the uniforms by washing them commercially) and hung on a large rolling costume rack to drip-dry. Unfortunately, due to both of our schedules, the uniforms didn’t get returned immediately, but sat in my house for several weeks. As my wife had keys to the band room, I left it to her good graces to take the uniforms back.
Cut to today – my wife finally had the time to return the uniforms. As we finished loading them into the car, I suggested she should take the large costume rack with her, since there was nothing we needed it for, other than the uniforms. She replied “Oh, I’m bringing (daughter’s) section’s uniforms back to the house” (another 30 or so uniforms). I asked why, and she replied “They have to be washed before the season starts”.
“Are you washing them in our washer?” I asked.
“Well, yeah…” she replied.
It was at this time that I put my foot down. “Look,” I said, “we can wash our daughter’s uniform, but the others aren’t coming back here. Either the parents can have their kids take their individual uniforms home and wash them, or they’re getting washed commercially. I’m not putting the wear and tear on my personal washer to wash the entire band’s uniforms. If something happens, and the washer destroys a uniform, we’re financially on the hook for it. Likewise, if the washer somehow gets damaged, that’s also out of my pocket.”
She tried to justify it, saying it was only my daughter’s section and that’s it, but I repeated that the other parents could be responsible and wash their child’s uniforms, or take them all to a commercial laundromat/dry cleaner, but I was not going to be responsible for washing the rest of the band’s uniforms in my house. She went silent, got in the car and left.
My feeling is that if I backtrack and tell her yes, then how long before more uniforms, or other items, come back to the house to get washed? I understand that she is the head of the uniform committee, but that shouldn’t mean that my house has to become the revolving laundromat for the school.
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> My wife wanted to wash the high school’s band uniforms in my household washer. I told her no, that they could be taken to a laundromat or washed by the individual parents, and she thought I was being unreasonable.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA- surely your wife can do whatever she wants with the washer in her own house.
Find out how much it will cost to wash them professionally. Ask the parents to pony up. Let the professionals take care of that. I understand not wanting to risk each child to wash their own. They might get ruined. Maybe the cleaners will give a discount for the school band.
I just find it kinda entitled that other parents would expect someone else to wash uniforms. NTA
YTA. It’s her house too. A discussion would have been appropriate. A command is an AH thing to do to your wife.
YTA. It was never that serious or deep to wash clothes…in a clothes washer. Is she expecting you to wash them? No? Then quite literally why are you complaining. It’s like being upset because she drives her car to work everyday
NTA. That is way too much wear and tear on your personal washer. Let the other parents worry about their child’s uniform.
I’m going to go with NAH as your wife is entitled to help out her child (especially since she’s the head of the committee) and you are also entitled to not want dripping uniforms all over your house forever.
That being said, you don’t get to just dictate what your wife can or can’t do with what is also her washer in her house. Maybe instead of putting your foot down, help to come up with alternatives—the other commenter suggesting working together with other parents to fundraise and pay for a professional cleaner sounds reasonable. Putting your foot down isn’t helpful or constructive and she’s doing something that benefits your daughter and an activity that’s important to her.
YTA. I mean, if this were horse saddles, that’d be different. Those are known for destroying washers. Band uniforms not so much.
INFO: How many loads of laundry are we really talking here?
I’m inclined to say YTA. An extra couple loads of laundry is not going to hurt a family machine that is already used multiple times a week. Likewise, so long as the care directions on the uniforms are followed, it’s very unlikely that those will get damaged either. You’re not being asked to do any labor by the sounds of it. So I’m really not sure why you’re making a big deal of this, and I think you’re an asshole for ordering your wife around instead of coming to a compromise, such as “Okay, so long as it’s only daughter’s section, but please don’t volunteer to wash any more, and I would like them to go back to the school within a couple days instead of taking up room in the house. I don’t mind a few loads but I don’t want our house to be the regular laundry place for the whole school because it will get in the way of our family laundry and take up too much space for drying.”
Instead you just imperiously tell her to cancel something she has already committed to doing for the benefit of the school community and your daughter’s extra curriculars. That’s asshole behavior, full stop.
ESH I feel like this is a situation that could have been avoided with more communication. Firstly she should have told you in advance her plans on washing the uniforms. But also if you developed a problem with it you should have mentioned it earlier on and not in the moment. At this point she has made a commitment and can’t really go back. If you had brought it up earlier and let her know your problems (which are all totally valid btw!) she could have made other arrangements. Sit down, talk it out, voice your concerns and listen to hers, and find a way to move forward. Right now I believe the right thing to do is to let her wash this next batch but not more without specifically discussing it. Good luck!
that much volume definitely should go in a commercial washer
YTA for not treating your wife as a co-equal adult partner and talking to her like she is a preteen you can order around. It is her home and washer also and she has at least equal say in this. You aren’t wrong to be annoyed by it, but they way you treat your wife like a kid you get to order around really sucks.
I was in marching band in highschool. I’m fairly certain band uniforms are dry clean only. I can’t even imagine putting the jacket in a washing machine. The large decorative buttons would get ripped off.
Also we did an insane amount of fund raising to pay for things like this. Because they went out for cleaning frequently. Not once a year.
There is no reason why anyone would be washing these in a home washer and some how think it’s safer than trusting professionals.
I remember lots of band parents helping with repairs and probably even transporting them to and from the dry cleaners. But this has to be fake.
NTA who are all these commenters? You have valid concerns and this is an unreasonable use of shared resources. Are these other families so destitute they can’t care for their own things? Are washing machines at a Laundromat so dangerous that they are guaranteed to shred clothes? Of course not. It is totally reasonable to ask your wife not to use your own resources for what should not be her responsibility in the first place
My wasbund also hated it when I did anything for anyone else that did not directly benefit him
Yta.
Gonna lean ESH
That is a lot of wear and tear on the machines, and potentially risking damaging the uniforms anyway. They should really have been dry cleaned
And your wife should have discussed it before agreeing to take on the extra responsibility. That said, instead of bitching about it for weeks, how about YOU also help with your own kid’s band as well?
YTA, solely for “putting your foot down,” and the fact that you seem to regard it as your house, your washer, and your pocket alone. You apparently think your wife is someone you get to order around without a discussion. Gross.
NTA, my husband and both of his siblings were in matching band, and they were all in charge of their own smelly uniforms. Like 10 years of marching between them, and this was never an issue.
Unless you are EXTREMELY cash strapped, YTA. Parent volunteers are the lifeblood of extracurriculars like this. Stop being such a Scrooge and contribute to your kid’s school. Complaining about the wear and tear of washing 60 uniforms is extremely cheap and controlling.
Amazing how it’s our daughter but her problem.
YTA
You wrote that you have two children. You are not your wife’s father and the way you spoke to her and the mere idea that you can forbid her to use the washing machine is batshit crazy. Stop.
YTA. 5 people use the washer at my house. If we each wear 6 outfits a week, which is not unreasonable considering pyjamas and outerwear, that’s 30 sets of clothing right there. Also, “your” washer? JFC. Partner and I aren’t married because it’s not important to us, but we’ve been together 21 years and there is very little in our home fixtures-wise I would call specifically mine.
YTA. As a former band kid from a small school with zero funding if band parents didn’t step up and help wash uniforms at home we wouldn’t have been able to compete. Is it not her house too?
YTA.
You don’t get to “put your foot down” about how your wife uses the washing machine that you and she own together.
Also, she is volunteering to help a school activity function. She’s doing good work, and you want to stand in her way? If you want to be a curmudgeon your own self, then I guess you’re entitled, but don’t try to drag your wife down with you.
If there is some legitimate way that the washing is actually making your life worse, then discuss that with your wife. But if you have a vague selfish urge not to let schoolchildren benefit from your wife’s generosity, keep that to yourself.
NTA
Band uniforms are not light washing and will 100% be harder on the washer than washing multiple loads of your own laundry.
When I was in band students were responsible for their OWN UNIFORMS. they HAD to be laundered before being returned to the school at the end of the season or the band would take a check of some amount to get them laundered. I don’t think it was anything crazy I never had to pay it because I took care of my own laundering.
Your wife also shouldn’t have just volunteered to use the households washer for it all without talking to you first and deciding together a plan because the water bill alone would have me saying no because she can maybe fit 3 bottoms per load and 2 jackets per load that’s a TON of loads and additional water usage.
NTA. You are 100 percent correct. What is your wife thinking??? The uniforms should be going with the individual kids and not one person responsible for all of that.
How do the uniforms get washed during the school year?
Seriously…. What is the big deal.
Did you have to do the work? No.
Then stop complaining.
I understand not wanting to wash uniforms, but you say ‘my’ a lot. Your wife has an equal say.
NTA seriously this should be on the other parents to launder their own band uniforms. The most valid point made is being on the hook financially if anything happens to one of the uniforms.
I was in marching band in high school, our uniforms were dry clean only, I imagine your washing machine would do some damage and given most uniforms have those overly large buttons and tassels it would be a mess. FYI uniforms are not cheap. If OP had caved this once then it’s not a matter of “a few loads” as it would soon become a regular occurrence. OPs house isn’t a laundromat regardless what committee the wife is in, perhaps they should look into seeing what the previous head of that committee did and how the school handles the care of the uniforms. Surely there has to be a budget for laundering right?
YTA. The “if I backtrack” made me think that you are a controlling asshole.
YTA It’s as much your Wife’s House and Dryer as it is yours. You are not her boss. You do not have right to “demand and/command” your wife to do anything.
YTA. This should have been a discussion where you two could each state your feelings and come up with a compromise together. Instead you made a unilateral decision AND sprung it on her last minute as she was preparing to bring more back with her.
I see no offer for you to help. They don’t need to be commercially washed, but perhaps YOU could take some to a laundromat, or go with her, to help cut down on the time. Also the “my washer” is petty af when talking to your wife who owns it just as much as you do.
>I’m not putting the wear and tear on my personal washer
So it’s your washing machine. Not the household not yours and hers. It’s yours. Which means you do all of the laundry for your household yourself because it’s your machine right? If that’s not the case why don’t you just shut it cuz you know you have no leg to stand on there
Wow. I bet you don’t let her drive band members as necessary because of “wear and tear” on your precious vehicle. YTA. The washing machine is designed to wash clothes.
I’d say YTA. On one hand, the way you’ve told your story, it sounds like you didn’t have a conversation. You just told your wife what was happening. That was an asshole thing to do. That said, I understand where you’re coming from. That’s a lot of uniforms and if anything goes wrong, how our amazing system works (/s), you’d be on the hook for it. That sucks and is a valid concern. But your wife didn’t do anything wrong. It would have been better to bring it up in a conversation. That you’re concerned about the “what if?” The other parents should do more for the kids’ uniforms. Something other than telling her what you did.
If your teammates in a game told you what play to make out if no where, would that sit right woth you? Or would a strategic conversation on how best to beat the other team sound better? I’m not much of a sports guy, but you get the picture. You gave an order to a teammate (Your partner. Your wife). Not a conversation.
Try bringing it up again, maybe try to apologize for how you expressed yourself and explain your feelings without making your wife the scapegoat. You’re not necessarily an asshole of a person. But what you did was an asshole thing to do. Go make it right, my guy.
So “she”, meaning not you, joined the boosters?
I love how you don’t get involved in your kid’s activities, but you think you get to dictate to your wife what her involvement is permitted to look like. /s
YTA
YTA, you aren’t being asked to help.. let your wife do the acts of service.
I’ve washed about 70 once or twice a year. Yes, the dryer broke after 1x. But honestly they hang dry so fast, especially in the sun. No big deal, but I’d suggest giving your machines a break every 4-6hrs
Info: In the time the band uniforms were at your house how many loads of laundry did they make you unable to wash, dry, hang up or fold?
NTA. Unless your wife is willing to pay the extra utilities and pay for a new washer and uniforms should something go wrong, I feel you have every right to express these concerns. I find it disturbing that alot of comments are saying, “she can do what she wants in HER home”. The home belongs to both of you.
YTA. It’s not that much wear & tear. It’s not like 30 LOADS of laundry, it’s 30 uniforms. You’re just looking for a reason to be controlling. Also you could be a grown up & say, “I’d love it if they weren’t in the house for weeks next time, can I help you with that part?” (Yeah. Help. You know… like a partner & dad)
YTA. For the phrases “out of my pocket” and “my personal washer.” Is this not your wife’s washer too? And why would you personally be responsible for paying for a uniform? Like fr, they aren’t going to charge you for your wife trying her best. She’s on the committee.
And btw your wife is volunteering at YOUR daughter’s school. Your wife is adding social capital to improve your daughter’s future. It doesn’t sound like you appreciate her contributions to the family or the community.
YTA- As a parent, these things fall to us sometimes. A few extra loads of laundry are not going to harm your washer. You are being selfish and completely unsupportive of your kid’s interest and activities.
Sooooo those are almost always supposed to be dry cleaned.
NTA
ESH.
Wife and you need to have better communication. A conversation on both parts would’ve been helpful. She should’ve discussed what she was thinking about the task with you and not assume this large commitment/taking up space/appliance wear and tear/uniform liability was ok. You should’ve said the second they came in the door “what’s the plan here”.
Your demand was out of line; you have to know that. You owe her an apology for that part.
Edit: word
YTA
High Schools rely on parent volunteers. Not all parents have the interest in helping kids with this stuff.
Your wife probably feels good about contributing to a program that holds meaning for your daughter.
One of my best friends was a volunteer for our local high school drama group for many years (even after her kids were out of school). She spent much of her time sewing, washing, and altering costumes. It brought her great joy, she made friends of the other parent volunteers, and the kids were incredibly grateful.
Years from now, your daughter will tell your wife, “Mom, I remember how you supported me when I was in band”
She’s not going to tell you, “Dad, I’m so glad you cared about our washing machine.”
Yes Mr Bossy you are.
NTA – there’s also the fact that a child may be allergic to the laundry detergent that she uses. My children changed our detergent without me knowing it, and it took a week to figure out why I was itching.
This is a tough one.
NTA but this sounds like an important activity for both your wife and child.
I do not often recommend bending your rules or going back but this is one of the times I might do it with some conditions for your wife to follow.
You might have to tell her if the machine or uniforms get damaged we have to come up with money somewhere to handle it and make her tell you were she is going to come up with the money if something goes wrong.
YTA – your wife is trying to do a good thing and instead of being collaborative, you’re hell bent on putting your foot down on something you don’t agree with. Compromise and communication are things that work. Commands are for the army, not marriage and kids
YTA. “Put my foot down” wear and tear on “my washer”, “my house”, “if I backtrack”… Big red flags, dude. Huge.
My fiancé just spent the last 7 years as the uniform guy. Our band’s uniforms were dry clean only, as were my cousin’s in another local district, and the band my aunt was director of in another state. That’s not great for the uniforms! They are soooooo freaking expensive, it’s not good to wash them like that.
Why is it YOUR washing machine? That earns you a YTA. If you had spoke of maybe discussions of how you both see the care and use of the family washer and dryer, that would have changed things. You were kind of a yutz to be so possessive of the dang washer and dryer. You need to talk to your wife like she’s an equal person to you in the relationship.
NAH. You’re right to be extremely annoyed by your personal washer being used for consistent uniform use like that. That’s your water and electric bill you’re paying as well as potential wear and tear on your machines. And then the dozens of uniforms hanging around to dry? I definitely get being annoyed and irritated by it.
On the flip side, your wife volunteered for this and got put in charge of the band uniforms so it would appear to be her responsibility to maintain them. They have to get washed somehow and she either pays for a laundromat or uses your washer at home. Either way, it’s apparently your cost to bear
Personally, I think this setup for the Band Boosters volunteering is a little whack. If the uniforms are custom ordered and custom fit then they belong to a specific child. That child should be the one responsible for the maintaining of their own uniform while in the band. Your wife should only have to be responsible for the ordering, record-keeping, and collection of the uniforms at the end of their time in band
NTA forget about the wear and tear your wife has not volunteered to be other parents personal valet. She wants to help the band. Now if parents were making donations to the band in exchange for having their kids uniforms washed that would make sense.
YTA It’s by parents pitching in – that’s how these organizations can stay afloat. Sounds like she did all the work, repairs etc and you had a small inconvenience. It’s a different convo if you’re talking about taking them back promptly etc but “my personal machines” is just dumb logic. Go ahead and go back on “putting your foot down” and tell her you reconsidered, and that you should be helping after all.
YTA. First because your concern is ridiculous. Nobody’s gonna require you to pay for a damaged uniform. There isn’t anything special about the uniforms that is going to cause them to break the machine any more than your own clothes. But mostly YTA for speaking to your wife like she’s a child who you can tell what she can or cannot do in her own house. You could’ve asked her to go to a laundromat. You could’ve offered to go to the laundromat with her. You could’ve expressed your concerns and discussed them like adults. You didn’t do any of that.
WTF is this all?
Washing 30 marching band outfits is something on the order of 5-6 loads of laundry.
I’d hope that, between clothing for four people and towels and bedding, you do at 4-5 loads of laundry a week already.
So you’re looking at – between the two piles she’d be bringing home – an extra roughly 10 loads of laundry on top of the roughly 250 you do in a year.
You are doing this over 4% increase, when it’s supporting something your kids are involved in.
Like, yes, I generically prefer better collaboration on household items like this, but this is somewhere between YTA and ESH.
For those of you so worried about the longevity of the washer, I think a little context of how much use a family washer gets is important here.
YTA
Um seems like we’re glossing over the extra cost of water OP will have to pay for all those loads. Water bills aren’t cheap. Gonna say NTA for having boundaries that you seemed to have expressed respectfully. If this were reversed people would still be calling the husband the asshole.
Tell her to reach out to the coaches and ask to use their washers. Or see if the school has a CDC classroom with a washer and dryer. That’s how we washed band uniforms when I was a band mom.
But I do think YTA here. The uniforms aren’t going to hurt your washer.
She is probably so used his cheap ass and overbearing attitude. What an asshole.
YTA. A couple loads of laundry isn’t much wear and tear. Get a grip. You sound very controlling.
lol obviously not hockey parents. I washed hockey jerseys once a week for YEARS for my kids hockey teams. 2 kids in hockey that was my volunteer duty. And carried all their jerseys to a game each week. (No jerseys left at home by accident)
YTA, it’s a thing your wife does to help out your daughter’s band. And it’s once a year. Your washer will be fine.
While I do think there could (maybe) some concerns regarding wear and tear your overall tone of “my personal washer” and “setting your foot down” make YTA, you are in a marriage, a partnership not a dictatorship.
only saying maybe because I was in band. We wore these hideous wool uniforms I can’t imagine putting in a normal washer/dryer, maybe 3 would fit without being an “oversized” load once soaking wet. Trust me those things were heavy soaking wet 😕
INFO Did you and your wife communicate about expectations before she volunteered/committed to do this?
Why not take them to a laundry mat so your machine at home doesn’t get the wear and tear. Maybe you could go with your wife?
YTA.
It makes your wife and daughter happy.
YTA.
She is volunteering at the school in a way that she can. That helps your daughter out at school, and the expense of washing them minimal. She is doing the expense part of the labor involved to wash them.
To add, if washed by different people, they likely will look different from different detergents, temperatures and drying methods.
Finally I think your the first guy I have ever heard call the family’s washing machine as “my washer”.
NTA
Uh, yep- YTA. Part of being a supportive parent once the kids hit high school is taking on some crappy support jobs that are not at all glamorous and require a bunch of your personal time and resources – in this case, your washer. The bonus is you get to be around the band more often and see who your kid is hanging out with, and feel like a part of your kid’s life at a time they very much want to pull away from their parents. Get over the use of your washer, and help your wife with the job – ask her why it’s important to her to volunteer. In other words, be supportive – of your wife and your daughter.
YTA. Just let her wash the uniforms. She is an involved parent. I can’t imagine “putting my foot down” for something that benefited my child. wtf
Soft YTA. Band mom here. Washed my share of uniforms. I took on props and the formal concert over doing uniforms again. I hated it and I only had to do 10 uniforms – it was divided up among several parents. It’s a beating.
It needs to get done and no one else is doing it – but the solution is not to ban it – but to help her. Help her wash the uniforms or get more help, help her get a mobile rack so it doesn’t take over. Your concerns are valid but figure it out together.
Band is an insane lift from parents. Usually under staffed and under funded. The booster parents are everything fan then in just a few short years it’s over. Not a ditch to die in IMO.
I get that your wife volunteered to do this and you didn’t, but are the washer/dryer your possession and not your wife’s also?
Yes, 30 uniforms are a lot. I don’t know how many loads they would be. Yes, it would be wear and tear on your machines and increase your water usage and your electric. But is your wife not able to make those determinations also?
This seems like something she should have mentioned before she started, but you seem really selfish (“my personal household washer”) and controlling.
Each kid is and should be responsible for their uniform
You sound like a nightmare. Your WIFE is doing the laundry in her family washer. Your story does not illustrate that she showed poor judgment in laundering the uniforms, nor that any were damaged. You tell
no tales of how you were unable to get into your laundry room all summer because the uniforms monopolized the machine, nor do you share woes of the many times you attempted to launder something and you couldn’t. You don’t seem to want your machine being used to help your children’s school and you are annoyed with the process. Get a grip and buy your wife some flowers and make her dinner. Stop being a jerk. You ATA.
NTA. I was in band from 5th-12th grade. We were responsible for our own uniforms. They should be dry cleaned actually.
Why is there not a team of volunteer parents taking groups of uniforms home and washing them? The Uniform Mom can provide detergent in small disposable plastic containers, already measured and ready to use, and color catchers to each volunteer with specific instructions on how to wash and hang to dry. There is no need for the Uniform Mom to do all the work alone. She can organize the laundry brigade to help.
ESH
You “put your foot down”?
That alone makes YTA.
As a former band kid who was forced to wear SMELLY uniforms all 4 years, your wife is a saint.
You sir, YTA.
YTA, buddy. Your personal washer? Do you do all the washing in the house? It sounds to me like your wife is doing all the work here, and you’re somehow offended that it’s happening in the house? Checking to see what happens if your (collective) washer damages a uniform is one thing, acting like what your wife does is somehow YOUR labour is prime asshole behaviour. I’m not even sure how you wrote “my personal washer” out twice in this post without realising you were out of line here.
YTA for being controlling however you are correct about the liability stuff; they are a huge expense for the school and are intended to be used for a long time. Also I have never seen a marching band uniform that didn’t absolutely have to be dry cleaned. I am shocked that they weren’t destroyed going through a normal wash
YTA. “My house, my house, my house…” Where does your wife live?
As a former marching band mom, former DCI mom and current college marching band mom ~ YTA
YTA. For my kid’s band, we get volunteer hours that knock money off of band fees. This would be a huge reduction in household costs for us. You say “mine, mine, mine” a lot for something that benefits your child’s chosen activity and could financially benefit all of you.
Yeah, I’m a bit divided on this. My husband would probably say the same thing to me but I would probably tell him to suck it up lol. 😂
I think the delivery sucked though.
Um…
>It was at this time that I put my foot down.
No, it was at that time you entered YTA territory.
Not only did you treat your wife like a subordinate in need of a lecture, but you also wigged out over something that is quite common in the world of high school extracurriculars. We washed flags for the band in our day, and we took several turns washing football uniforms each season. (The football uniforms were split among multiple parents, with each taking ~20 uniforms.)
>I understand that she is the head of the uniform committee, but that shouldn’t mean that my house has to become the revolving laundromat for the school.
It isn’t as if you were actually going to do any of the work, right? You made it a point to say that your wife is the one who joined the band boosters, not you…
Yeah, definitely YTA.
Yay because she already agreed to do this. You can tell her that you don’t want to do it next year, but she already committed for this year and if she falls through, it would look badly upon you’re family as a whole.
ESH. You don’t make the rules and it’s not YOUR washer. You’re probably not even the one who primary does the wash so it wouldn’t affect you much anyways. Those uniforms are thick af and need to be professionally cleaned. If anything, she’s risking damaging them and they’re not going to get as clean as they need to be. There’s no reason she needs to be washing them at home
Let me tell you a secret. All the schools have washers and dryers. Yep. It’s true. She can wash them there at the school.
YTA. An extra wash per week is not going to harm your washing machine enough for this to be nearly as big a deal as you’re making it. Your wife is trying to do a nice thing, and isn’t asking you to put any work in.
Meet in the middle and help her do the uniforms at a laundromat.
Why is anyone washing the band uniforms? They should be dry cleaned.
YTA. Do you know how many loads of laundry are washed at your house in a week, a month, or a year? When my household had a laundry room, we easily put 150-200 loads in a year. 30-60 additional loads (a single uniform per wash — highly unlikely) is not going to kill your machines.
Moreover, normal people do things for the people they love, even when that incurs an expense for them.
And finally: if it’s your damn machine, why aren’t you doing all the laundry? If you were generally the person responsible for it, you’d have slightly better standing to veto the uniform washing.
My dude..
I agree with what you’re saying, especially if they were just left there and in the way or stopping you from doing your household laundry for a while.
But the way you wrote here that you spoke to her. She is not your child. God I wouldn’t even speak to teens like that. You came across as a right bastard, you probably worse in person because of HOW you said it.
Personally I would apologise for how you seem to have treated her. That doesn’t mean backtracking on your point, though if it’s a family washing machine yta for that too.
NTA! I was band mom volunteer for all 4 years. Those uniforms were required to be dry cleaned by the student before returning them. I would not want the responsibility of possibly ruining them either. I helped mend them but that’s different than washing. Good for you for speaking up.
YES …YTA – thats what you do for kids!!!!!!!!!
nta Nah fuck that its your house you paid for the washers I understand the liability issue also. Why aren’t their parents washing them. Its weird they’re not tbh
Sounds like your wife is doing all the work. What makes you think it’s okay to order anyone (including your wife) around and tell her what she can and cannot do? Why are you referring to marital property as your own? Why are you unwilling to support your daughter’s projects even if it means being inconvenienced a bit? You need to relax in a big, major way and mind your own business if you’re not directly involved. You might want to find a counselor to talk to because your idea of marriage is warped and controlling. YTA.
YTA – your house your washer your wife. Yeah, whatever 🙄
YTA. You’re also a controlling jerk.
Have you ever volunteered for anything?
Do you know what volunteering means?
ESH
You are overreacting big time to something that doesn’t affect you that much. She shouldn’t be washing any uniforms at your home, because they should be dry cleaned.
Leaning towards ESH
I feel like, if she wants to ruin the washer that you both own, let her, if it even comes to that. If it breaks, you were right and it’s now her responsibility to figure out how to fix it/get a new one. So since you both own it, and she’s the one doing it out of your way, let her. But if she breaks it she buys it.
But also, I find it odd that she’s even responsible for such a task– like usually the schools will provide washers/dryers, or the kid’s parents would have to clean them. Because someone also mentioned allergies, and yea, what if someone’s kid is allergic to whatever detergent she’s using? I just find it a bit odd that she’s in charge of that to begin with and using up your personal water and electricity.
Overall, she should at least understand, even just a little, why you have a problem with this, even if she doesn’t agree. The silence makes it seem like you’re overreacting, and you’re really not. You asked a question, and then gave your opinion, and after letting it slide the first time. You simply don’t like it, and she doesn’t have to agree, but she should at least see where you’re coming from. As for you, just let her do it and if she breaks it, you get one free “I told you so” pass. But yea it’s not the end of the world for her to do this, as long as it’s not actually affecting your life lol.
YTA!
NTA issues if liability and wear and tear on the uniform are extremely. Important.
My mom was a dry cleaner and in band boosters, so yes she washed all of the uniformes every year, but was paid to do so. She was also a professional so knew how to do them and make sure they were safe. And she did alterations on the side so knew how to fix things.
NTA that’s too many!! A few would be fine but 30?!?!
My son was in high school band. They had two different uniforms. Their classic uniform and their show uniform. They would need to be washed several times throughout the season. Because when they were competing, they were wearing them frequently in the hot Texas Sun. We did have people in charge of costumes. But they were not responsible for washing all 250 of them. Parents would take them home in batches of six wash them and bring them back in the next day or two. It took the pressure off of the same few people having to do it every time.I would suggest she organize something similar to that. But, YTA for telling her that she’s not allowed to wash them again.
NTA simply because marching band uniforms shouldn’t be washed in a residential setup. Not only is it gonna take problem 10+ loads to wash them, they are likely dry clean only.
This honestly sounds like the band/school is cheaping out on getting them properly cleaned.
I was in band in highschool and we got sponsored by a local dry cleaner who washed the uniforms.
YTA. Support your wife and your daughter and your daughter’s classmates. Should all the other parents step up? Yes, absolutely. Will they? Too many won’t or can’t. It is the kids that will suffer. Your wife is trying to do a good thing. Apologize to your wife and your daughter and offer to help. You will end up being a hero.
YTA for how you speak to and about your wife. She is an EQUAL, not your child or employee. You do not get to dictate how everything works. You can bring your concerns to her and have a rational discussion between two EQUAL adults and come to a mutually satisfactory decision, likely where there is a compromise.
As for your washer and dryer, it depends how high quality they are and how old they are. If you have good appliances that aren’t very old, washing the uniforms once a year shouldn’t cause any harm. I do think that parents should have their kid’s uniform dry cleaned at the end of each season. That’s how I’ve always seen it done. Perhaps you can suggest that become a new policy starting this year.
NTA but maybe it makes your wife feel good to make the sacrifice for the team/kids.
Why are you acting like you alone own the washer, the house, and your wife?
You made a decision about your shared space without even consulting her or discussing with her why you didn’t like it. Do you really view your wife like a puppet or a soldier? Is she just supposed to take orders from you?
YTA Not because you don’t want a broken washer but because you’re making demands. If you’ve got a valid reason, you should be able to convince her of it. Not bark orders.
I would happily wash my own child (children’s ) uniforms but not other kids. Parental judgement on this. If child doesn’t know how to properly do it, teach them so they can be responsible for their own uniform.
YTA – It seems like this service to the school was a real source of happiness and pride for your wife but you had to step in and stop her. Do you have a lot of control issues or just control over appliances. For what it’s worth I had a husband once who referred to the house and everything in it as ‘my’. Critical word here is ‘had’. He’s gone and I got half of ‘his’ cash and ‘his’ house.
I bet there are washers & dryers at the high school , why doesn’t she use those?
Yep YTA.