My wife recently reconnected with a childhood friend at a funeral. He lives in a different state than us and is at least a 10 hour drive away, they exchanged numbers and added each other on discord so they could game together, this is not the issue, the issue is that he told her about how his wife died 3 years ago, yet he still wears his wedding ring and hasn’t seriously dated anyone since she died , well this a lie. I found his Instagram account and he has dozens and dozens of photos with his current girlfriend, who he calls his girlfriend in the posts, dating back to 2021. His most recent post with her was from earlier this year about how they bought a house together. He told my wife about the house but nothing about his long-term girlfriend.
I brought this to the attention of my wife because she doesn’t follow him on Instagram. Her response was “I need to process this and make my own decision about if I want to be his friend or not.” I explained to her how this made no sense and made me uncomfortable. She explained that they used to be extremely close, and she admits that this is a red flag but said she still might want to be friends with him. I continued to push how this makes no sense, and she said I was being overprotective of her and essentially being an asshole for wanting to “force her” into not being friends with him. When all I’m trying to understand is why this isn’t a deal breaker for her.
So reddit, am I being the asshole here?
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My wife recently reconnected with a childhood friend at a funeral. He lives in a different state than us and is at least a 10 hour drive away, they exchanged numbers and added each other on discord so they could game together, this is not the issue, the issue is that he told her about how his wife died 3 years ago, yet he still wears his wedding ring and hasn’t seriously dated anyone since she died , well this a lie. I found his Instagram account and he has dozens and dozens of photos with his current girlfriend, who he calls his girlfriend in the posts, dating back to 2021. His most recent post with her was from earlier this year about how they bought a house together. He told my wife about the house but nothing about his long-term girlfriend.
I brought this to the attention of my wife because she doesn’t follow him on Instagram. Her response was “I need to process this and make my own decision about if I want to be his friend or not.” I explained to her how this made no sense and made me uncomfortable. She explained that they used to be extremely close, and she admits that this is a red flag but said she still might want to be friends with him. I continued to push how this makes no sense, and she said I was being overprotective of her and essentially being an asshole for wanting to “force her” into not being friends with him. When all I’m trying to understand is why this isn’t a deal breaker for her.
So reddit, am I being the asshole here?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my wife not to be friends with her old friend after he lied to her. So trying to dictate her friendships might make me the asshole
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You’re being the Asshole for pushing her after she said she needs time to process this. Give her time! See where she lands about I. Be curious about why she lands where she does. You might learn something about her you’d otherwise miss by trying to bulldoze past her request for time.
Soft YTA after you gave her the information you needed to let her make up her own mind.
I’m gonna have to say everyone kinda sucks, OP, you suck for pushing the issue, your wife is kinda the only one who doesn’t suck, she has a right to process this before she explains why this lie isn’t a deal breaker for her, if she explains at all, and her friend sucks for lying to her about his partner.
YTA, your wife is not a child who needs you to make decisions for her.
This is just screaming weird to me. They only.just reconnected so hardly close with each other. The guy lied to her, quite a big lie and she seems like she’s really overreacting to the news. A normal person would call him out and block him but she seems dramatically affected. Almost as if she’d been suckered into him being single. Makes you wonder what her brains been thinking…..
NTA. What is there to process?
Your wife is hurt learning that her AP has a long-term partner. She felt betrayed.
100 percent they are old fuck buddies, they rekindled theit relationship and fuck again at their last meeting. Now she’s hurt. Give her time to process that she is only number 2 in his life.
INFO: why were you looking for his Instagram?
Yta to yourself
>She explained that they used to be extremely close, and she admits that this is a red flag but said she still might want to be friends with him.
Why the hell would you stay with someone who entertains this shit while married?
Do you have kids? If not leave the person who is keeping a fucked up option open. Right after they were proven to be manipulative and deceptive.
He is pretending to be single because he doesn’t want to be her friend and she is considering entertaining that. Ick.
you need to let her make her own decisions… but….. yah, that is super weird of that guy to do that. and it is strange that your wife doesn’t seem to have the same reaction as you. so… if she chooses to keep in touch with this guy… that is also something you are fully justified in not really liking. cuz that guy is being really suspicious. The only reason I can see for why he lied about his girlfiend is that he wants your wife to think he is single… and why would he want that? pretty obvious answer. looking to emotionally cheat with your wife, if not more. not saying that has been happening… just seems clear that that is the guy’s intent with that particular lie. If your wife seems open to that… that IS a problem.
NTA. Dude’s obviously dodge. That’s why the discord for comms. If she feels like you’re forcing her to do shit, let her go. Her emotional investment is already obvious. If there was none, this wouldn’t be occurring.
ESH kinda? I mean yeah, she’s not making healthy choices, but that’s her decision to make. I certainly wouldn’t trust her or her judgement about it, tbh. It screams affair/affair potential even if not physical, but emotional? Fantasy? I dunno. I wouldn’t be comfortable with my spouse wanting to reconnect like this after such a huge red flag but I wouldn’t keep pushing it. Just be careful.
YTA. The fact that you went into stalker mode seems to suggest you have trust issues you need to deal with.
YTA
She is a grown woman who gets to choose her own associates.
>I continued to push how this makes no sense
Why would you do this? She is an independent person who doesn’t have to think the way that you do on every topic.
>I’m trying to understand is why this isn’t a deal breaker for her
No, you’re not. You’re trying to convince her that you are right, and she is wrong.
YTA. You are trying to control her.
You were right to provide her with information about him that she would otherwise not have been aware of. I wouldn’t trust him either if I’d caught him lying.
But this is where you crossed the asshole line:
“I told my wife not to be friends with her old friend after he lied to her. So trying to dictate her friendships might make me the asshole.“
Absolutely it does. Your wife is a competent adult. You don’t get to dictate her friendships.
You have the right to decide what YOU do. You have the right never to be around him (for example, if he ever visits your town and your wife insists on dragging you along to dinner with him). You even have the right to decide that your wife’s relationship with him is a deal-breaker for your marriage, and you want out.
But you do not have the right to control what SHE does.
Back off. Give her space to process this and to decide what she wants to do.
YTA.
She made it completely clear what her stance was – “I need to process this and make my own decision about if I want to be his friend or not.”
It was basically another way of saying, “I am an independent adult capable on thinking for myself, and you need to not treat me like a child”.
Most likely, she is really hurt by (a) the lie, and (b) the sudden realisation that someone who she thought was a meaningful friend most likely wanted to get in her pants, so badly he was willing to lie about it. So she’s pretty rocked about it and wanted time to work through the shock first before acting.
Give her time, see where those chips fall.
YTA. That’s so weird you stalked him on social media. Now you are mad because your wife has to process the information you found about him. You are the problem!
NTA- I think he’s tryna move
YTA and controlling. She needs to sort it out in her head, no matter how frustrating it is for you.
It sounds like you are concerned this may be more than a friendship. Then lay it on the table.
Don’t keep pushing this thing where he’s a lying widower who’s hiding a girlfriend.
The obvious thing if your wife really just wants to be friends is who cares?
If you think there are romantic feelings, address it now. Stop making it about whether or not this guy is a dirtbag and make it about whether or not your wife is starting to have a romantic relationship with someone other than you
Yeah, you don’t get to decide her “deal breakers” for her.
YTA
YTA for trying to prevent her from making her own decisions because when you mention what you said it comes off as you not wanting her to reconnect with this friend out of fear of it becoming more. However, the guy hiding his girlfriend from your wife is pretty weird considering he didn’t mention her when they met again. It could be that he wants your wife to think he’s single because he’s interested. This may not be the case and there could be another explanation for it. I’d say communicate with your wife and let her decide if this is a relationship that she wants to pursue. At the end of the day, it’s her decision not yours.
You could just not care. That is an option. Would she rather you not care at all or does she want a man who asks her challenging questions? You aren’t overreacting, these a reasonable questions. But in my experience, the more you push the more she will defend the other guy. She should just ask him why he lied to her, and you should support whatever she chooses, because this has the potential to drive a wedge in your relationship.
YTA….you don’t decide who she can or can’t be friends with. She’s can make up her own much.
Controlling much ??
It’s her choice who she wants to be friends with, it’s your choice how you react to her choice. I personally wouldn’t be friends with anyone who lied like that, and would probably reconsider a relationship with someone who did have that sort of ‘friend’. Sounds like this guy lied to her with an alterior motive. He’s the AH
So she told you she would take your information on board and consider whether or not to continue the friendship? And that wasn’t good enough for you?
And let’s be realistic here you were looking because you were already jealous that’s why you went digging. You were literally looking for dirt and I’m sure your wife knows that.
YTA
Don’t push her. She realizes this looks really bad and she’s got the right to process this. He’s obviously playing the “young widower” card and she likely feels victimized for obvious reasons. Not knowing anything else about their relationship it’s hard to say just how manipulative and deceptive he’s been, but it certainly seems like the guy was up to something.