So we are a family of 4 and very close with another family of 4 and have been for 12 years, before our kids were even born. My wife and their wife are best friends and although they moved away to another city, the two wives are still very close and talk on the phone almost every day.
Anyway a few weeks ago, the two wives planned the two families to get together and meet in NYC this weekend to watch the Lion King play on Broadway and do a few other things (2 nights, 3 days). Our town is about 3 hours away and their town is about 3 hours away too. I wasn’t particularly interested since we actually visited NYC in May for a few days but I consented since she said it was for the kids. I found out last week the other family will be taking a train while we will be driving our large SUV to there (they also have a large SUV but will be taking a train instead).
Apparently, after hearing this, my wife told them we (I will be driving the entire time) can pick them up from the train station in our SUV, visit all the places in our SUV within the city (Chinatown, museums, etc), drop them off at the train station at the end of the weekend, etc. So I will basically be a driver/chauffeur for the entire weekend.
After a particularly busy few weeks at work due to deadlines, I felt a bit annoyed by this and let my wife know. She told me she is surprised I would be annoyed about driving since I would driving anyway even if they brought their own SUV (although I wouldn’t have to pick them up and drop them off, etc, and have 8 people in the car instead of 4).
After a few words, I sort of told my wife “ok I’m fine with driving”. However, after discussing about the weekend plan again earlier today, I can’t help feeling annoyed again (even though I hid it from my wife this time). Am I being petty here? Honestly, I am a good driver and don’t actually mind greatly about the driving itself but at the same time, can’t shake of the feeling of being annoyed that this was all decided for me…
UPDATE: Sorry I should’ve been more clear. Except for picking them up and dropping them off, we will be mostly walking and/or taking UBER within the city after I park somewhere in the middle. I will also be driving back to our hotels after each day is over and we are also going to a few places in NJ (our hotels are also in NJ). So it is not really the work itself I’m annoyed about (I actually don’t mind the driving part greatly). I guess it is mainly due to everyone (mainly my wife) deciding for me I will be the driver (a lot of driving or not) without even talking to me about it first.
It also jas been mostly “why are you driving in NYC”? “Parking is expensive”, etc. We have 8 people and our hotels are in NJ and we are also visiting a few places in NJ. We pay typically 40-70 for all day parking in the city which does not seem too bad to us cost wise. Paid parking is not hard to find especially if you reserve it via apps.
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So we are a family of 4 and very close with another family of 4 and have been for 12 years, before our kids were even born. My wife and their wife are best friends and although they moved away to another city, the two wives are still very close and talk on the phone almost every day.
Anyway a few weeks ago, the two wives planned the two families to get together and meet in NYC this weekend to watch the Lion King play on Broadway and do a few other things (2 nights, 3 days). Our town is about 3 hours away and their town is about 3 hours away too. I wasn’t particularly interested since we actually visited NYC in May for a few days but I consented since she said it was for the kids. I found out last week the other family will be taking a train while we will be driving our large SUV to there (they also have a large SUV but will be taking a train instead).
Apparently, after hearing this, my wife told them we (I will be driving the entire time) can pick them up from the train station in our SUV, visit all the places in our SUV within the city (Chinatown, museums, etc), drop them off at the train station at the end of the weekend, etc. So I will basically be a driver/chauffeur for the entire weekend.
After a particularly busy few weeks at work due to deadlines, I felt a bit annoyed by this and let my wife know. She told me she is surprised I would be annoyed about driving since I would driving anyway even if they brought their own SUV (although I wouldn’t have to pick them up and drop them off, etc, and have 8 people in the car instead of 4).
After a few words, I sort of told my wife “ok I’m fine with driving”. However, after discussing about the weekend plan again earlier today, I can’t help feeling annoyed again (even though I hid it from my wife this time). Am I being petty here? Honestly, I am a good driver and don’t actually mind greatly about the driving itself but at the same time, can’t shake of the feeling of being annoyed that this was all decided for me…
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my wife I am annoyed that I have to drive everyone around (8 people) in a single car around the city and it will be just be stressful work for me while everyone else will be enjoying the trip. I felt this is being petty since I have the most experience driving in the city.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Any reason why getting taxis isn’t an option?
NTA. She planned this and voluntold you to drive all weekend. Nothing about this seems fun, especially since the other family is shouldong no burden of travel.
Who tries to drive in NYC, cars are a nightmare there and even worse with a huge SUV! I would strongly consider public transportation and/or taxis
NTA. Not cool to volunteer other peoples time or energy. Also you need to grow a backbone and speak up immediately. Don’t let things like this fester. Be a grown up and communicate better.
I think it’s reasonable to propose a compromise where you might pick up and drop off at the start and end of the trip, but to be on demand for dropoff/pickup at each of the activities… no. I suspect parking is not easy to find at each of these locations or you have to continually be circling while waiting for them to finish.
Yeah, YTA to yourself for lying to your wife. You aren’t fine with driving, and that’s fine. Your wife is absolutely in the wrong for voluntelling you that you’ll be driving everyone around. You need to discuss this with your wife and tell her, no, that you need a relaxing time after the stressful weeks you’ve had, and that you won’t be driving.
Get the train and get taxis. From what I know, NYC isn’t a fun place to drive.
NTA, she didn”t need to volunteer you for this drive and should’ve discussed it with you.
Also – who in the world thinks it’s’ a good idea to drive around Manhattan? Dude…you’re gonna drive. In Chinatown. Forget it, Jake.
Take it from an actual NYer – park that behemoth in an outer borough and take the trains to where you’re going. You’ll have way less aggravation navigating the city that way. To say nothing of the logistics of finding parking lots, or the additional expense.
you should just take the train. the other couple is smart.
NTA
I get the feeling that your wife doesn’t realize what she volunteered you for.
There is also the possibility that she does know precisely what she volunteered you for, and if that’s the case she can fuck right off.
YTA. You have to express what the issue is.
She only volunteered you cause 1) she didn’t think you would object (i.e. she considered your thoughts) and 2) you would be doing it anyway for your 4.
The only thing you’ve stated at issue is getting them from train and 8 instead of 4. Valid of course, but very understandable you ended up at being fine.
So if your still annoyed why?
You are free to tell your wife that she is to never volunteer you again but is that really the vibe you want? Is that the boundary you need? Its ok if that what it is but you gotta stand on buisness if thats where we are.
INFO: What is preventing your wife from driving?
NTA
Your wife has no right to volunteer you as a taxi driver without your consent.
You should have communicated your displeasure earlier, but I don’t think that passes the asshole threshold.
Why would either of you drive? No one should be driving in the city.
Literally the biggest waste of money and your time when visiting NYC would be driving and parking.
Holy cow.
NTA
wtf? No. No one drives in NYC.
NTA, driving in NYC sucks(or at least did, I don’t know how the new toll stuff is working) and I refuse to do it, personally. I’ll pay for everyone to take the ferry and then pay for taxis/rideshares while we’re there. I really don’t care how much it costs, it’s worth it not to have to drive in NYC. And the last time I drove there it was in a ’98 Cirrus, not even a giant SUV. You have every right to be miffed about being voluntold that you’re the NYC chauffeur for the weekend.
YTA for driving into NYC. I lived there for 15 years and never once drove a car in Manhattan. Drive to a Metro-North or Jersey transit stop and park there.
YTA to yourself for not saying no. Did she even ask if you wanted to go? Why can’t you park and ride?
YTA. You were gonna drive anyway. What’s picking them up and dropping them off at the train? Once you park you shouldn’t move the car until you leave or you’re doing it wrong.
Tell her change of plans we are taking the train to the city
NTA – It is polite to ask first!
If your wife and her friend have come up with their itinerary, is your wife planning on driving your minibus, SUV, or whatever you call them, through the city with its parking restrictions and ULEZ (or equivalent)?
NTA. I wouldn’t do it either.
Why on earth would you drive around NYC? Let alone in an SUV? If you can’t take the train, drive into the city, pay a million dollars to park it, and then take the subway or cabs and enjoy yourself.
Share the joy: let your wife drive whilst you chat to the friends and hand out snacks to the kids.
This will not end well and will be a big hassle. Listen to everyone else and don’t drive the SUV in the city. What a headache.
NTA. Your wife is the A for “volunteering” you for all this without talking it over with you. Driving in NYC is stressful, and not without risk, and parking (especially in a big SUV) is difficult and/or expensive.
You need to be clearer about what you want or don’t want, and what you will or will not do. If you are unclear about your boundaries then people will trample them. In this case you said OK, and are still resentful. This is not the setup for a fun getaway, it’s the setup for seething resentment and an eventual blowout fight.
Why not switch to also taking the train, and do Ubers/cabs in the city? Less stressful all around? If she objects tell her fine, YOU can handle all the driving.
NTA.
I don’t know why you’re even considering driving all weekend in NYC. Parking will cost more than subways, taxis etc.
I would board a train yourselves outside NYC and train in.
Your wife and the other family can get bent too.
NTA
It’s a feeling. You had it. You shared it. Somehow you chose “man-up” insted of continuing to share with your wife how this makes you unhappy.
Why won’t she be able to drive? Is she crippled?
There’s something underlying going on here. Not the least of which: If your wife had shared that same feeling, would she then have dismissed it in lieu of making you happy? If so … then maybe this is merely compromise and you’re a healthy couple. But I still feel like you might be in a stereotypical “man-up” mode and may need to begin letting yourself feel before you explode all over your wife. That’s never pretty. Don’t bottle it up.
Maybe have her drive for the pickup/dropoff moments. Take a nap. Relax.
OTH: If you “must” be the driver “because you’re the man”, the YTA. Let her drive. LOL
NTA – they can get themselves to thei hotel, etc. And y’all can meet up at the different places around the city. Also why the heck do any of you want to drive in the city? The public transportation system is great in NYC.
NTA for being annoyed because she should’ve discussed with you first.
But whatever. Just drive. Unless you plan on getting drunk, you can handle it
NTA….Why can’t wife drive? She offered, she can take the wheel.
NTA
Why are you driving around NYC? Drive there and use public transit to move about the city. Then the designated driver is a moot point.
It’s time to tell her that you’re not driving.
Your repeated mistake has been swallowing your displeasure at having every step of this plan be made for you without your input first.
If you continue with this plan, as is, your frustration at all of this will only build, and New York traffic, with a loaded SUV, which includes 4 children, will only exacerbate your negative feelings.
NTA for telling her but YTA for letting it go this long.
When we were younger I did all the family trip driving. Now that I’m older, I don’t have that same energy level, so I have my wife do about 25% of it. I suggest you two share the driving, maybe one of you taking the city.
Nta- it’s NYC! Use the subway!
Esh – who is driving once they get into nyc. Park the car and leave it there.
NTA because she should have checked with you before offering your services to others.
The other family has the right idea. Train is a far superior choice for the trip. Why are you driving?
Able-bodied people who drive personal cars in Manhattan deserve every ounce of stress they incur in the process.
ESH
NTA. Sounds like Your wife has volunteered to drive them around while you get drunk and enjoy yourself. That’s what I’d be doing.
Oof. Train too
NTA
This isn’t about the driving directly and it seems like a perfectly valid discussion to have with you wife. Ask that next she check with you before signing you up for a task. I think it is basic respect and even if you have to say yes, it is still respectful to include you on the decision.
You’re annoyed that you were not asked and had no way to discuss the plans. Focus less on being annoyed about the weekend and more about how you can address that situation in the future that is better for you.
Why is anybody driving in NYC? Take the train from NJ into Manhattan, and then nobody has to DD.
It’s absolutely illogical for anyone to be driving in NYC. You’ll pay less for public transportation that you don’t have to deal with finding parking for.
Why would anyone be the designated driver?
ESH take the train