So my wife (28F) and I (30M) have been married for about 6 months. My wife was a virgin before she met me, I was not. Things are good overall, but the other night we were having one of those “deep” late-night talks and she asked me something out of nowhere.
She said, “Does it make you feel special that I saved myself for you?”
Normally I’d be more tactful, but I had been drinking so I didn’t even hesitate or think. I said, “Fuck no, I never cared about that kind of thing. Besides, I hate purity culture.”
She got quiet and a little hurt after that. I wasn’t trying to be cruel. I just wanted to be honest. I’ve never cared about virginity or “saving yourself.” I think purity culture is toxic and harmful, especially to women, and she knew that about me already. I was trying to convey that I love her for who she is, not because she had or hadn’t had sex before me. But apparently, she saw it as this huge romantic gesture, and me brushing it off crushed her a little.
Since then she’s been a bit distant and I can tell I hurt her feelings. I didn’t mean to. I was just being straightforward. I don’t want her to think I love her less, but I also don’t want to pretend like virginity means something to me when it really doesn’t.
So AITA for being blunt with my answer?
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So my wife (28F) and I (30M) have been married for about 6 months. My wife was a virgin before she met me, I was not. Things are good overall, but the other night we were having one of those “deep” late-night talks and she asked me something out of nowhere.
She said, “Does it make you feel special that I saved myself for you?”
Normally I’d be more tactful, but I had been drinking so I didn’t even hesitate or think. I said, “Fuck no, I never cared about that kind of thing. Besides, I hate purity culture.”
She got quiet and a little hurt after that. I wasn’t trying to be cruel. I just wanted to be honest. I’ve never cared about virginity or “saving yourself.” I think purity culture is toxic and harmful, especially to women, and she knew that about me already. I was trying to convey that I love her for who she is, not because she had or hadn’t had sex before me. But apparently, she saw it as this huge romantic gesture, and me brushing it off crushed her a little.
Since then she’s been a bit distant and I can tell I hurt her feelings. I didn’t mean to. I was just being straightforward. I don’t want her to think I love her less, but I also don’t want to pretend like virginity means something to me when it really doesn’t.
So AITA for being blunt with my answer?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action i took was bluntly telling my wife that I hate purity culture and that I dont care she saver her virginity for marriage. The reason this might make me the asshole is because I used no tact and just gave a blunt response without considering how it would make her feel
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NAH. You could’ve been nicer about it, but you said it’s something she already knew about you, so I’d say it falls under the umbrella of don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to…but if your wife bought into that culture, it’s natural she’d feel hurt that you didn’t appreciate it. That said, though, this seems like a pretty big philosophical divide…are you sure she understood how you feel about such things as well as you think she did?
You could’ve been more tactful, but it’s better to be honest. God forbid she thrusts purity culture onto others or any children you might have. NTA
NAH. Get her some flowers or whatever her equivalent of flowers are. But then really sit and discuss the “why I don’t like purity culture” thing with her. People outside of it get it–you’re much more than the adventures your gonads have or have not had. But she’s been raised to think things like if she lets someone who’s not her husband touch her tit, then she’s a wad of used chewing gum. Probably get some help outside of Reddit for that.
NAH
You weren’t an asshole for answering honestly, but you were a little too blunt in the moment. Your wife wasn’t really asking about purity culture, she was asking if you feel special that she chose you to share that part of her life with.
From your perspective, virginity doesn’t matter, and you love her for who she is, not her sexual history. That’s healthy and good. From her perspective, giving her first time to you was a huge, deeply personal gesture, and she hoped you’d see it that way too. When you brushed it off, it felt like you dismissed something that was really meaningful to her.
It’s not about purity culture so much as her wanting reassurance that she’s special and cherished. You can clarify by telling her something like: “I don’t put value on virginity because I reject purity culture, but what does make me feel special is that you trusted me with something so important and vulnerable to you. That means more to me than any purity standard ever could.”
No assholes here. Just a miscommunication that needs some gentle repair.
NTA.
Yeah, you completely blew it. Not because you were wrong, but because this was a huge, huge part of her self identity. I’m with you on purity culture, but you insulted who she is. How she defines herself.
Yes. YTA. Not because of what you believe. We’re entitled to our own beliefs and values.
But because it means something to her, and that should make it mean something to you. Not that you have to buy into purity culture, but if you care about someone then what’s important to them should have some level of importance for you.
You basically trashed something that she holds valuable. At the very least you handle it with some amount of dignity.
NTA. I’m sure you’d have been more tactful sober, but there’s nothing inherently wrong with being honest about this. I think, though, that another gesture or explanation to help patch things over would be good.
YTA but not for your opinion or purity culture (which I agree with) but for hurting her feelings. You need to sit down and explain yourself and have a heart to heart convo. Please don’t have children until you resolve this issue. Any future daughter you have will be caught in this toxic cycle.
🤦♀️
ESH because the two of you have been married six months and you are just now having this conversation.
NTA
You def could’ve been nicer but if she knew what u thought, then she shouldn’t have asked too. just apologize and explain maybe…
I’m just curious how y’all ended up together with such different belief systems.
question : has your wife expressed anything regarding purity culture before this? or was she literally just saving herself for you bc she thinks of you as special
also kinda yta with how you responded to her lol
Your reply was definitely not delivered well, but I would sit down and tell her what you just told us: “you love her for who she is, not because she was a virgin.” Apologize to her if your delivery hurt her feelings and that it wasn’t your intention. It’s probably a sensitive thing for her and a bigger deal as she did wait a long time to lose her virginity.
YTA. This meant something to her. Good job for pooping on it. My god, read the room.
YTA. She gave you what she feels was a “precious, special one-of-a-kind gift” and you crapped all over it.
In lesser terms, she took months to knit you a hat, gave it to you, and you said “I hate hats, ugh”. Instead of just saying “I appreciate you”.
Purity culture is patriarchal to begin with, thus there is no meaning for women. Your wife sounds she may have been lied to about reality and perhaps lacks a bit maturity. It probably was very hurtful to learn that it didn’t mean s* to you when she ended up marrying you. Maybe y’all should have dated a little while first? I am sorry her feelings are hurt when she considered something such a huge part of her identity. I might suggest therapy for her to find herself. You sounded immature in the way you blamed drinking for her your behavior though. It’s interesting to me how this was never a conversation before you got married. I think y’all might be both the aholes but just in different ways.
NTA. Purity culture is gross, and hopefully she can unlearn that shit at some point.
Unbiased opinion: you could’ve said it nicer so slight YTA for delivery but not for the belief.
Biased opinion: NTA. Totally valid because purity culture is fucking stupid. If you have kids PLEASE don’t let her pass that shit down.
Oof. You can’t unsay what you said. YTA. It was clearly important to her and you could have worded this much better. This will have long term impacts to how she sees herself and how she feels about sex. With this topic specifically, you were supposed to be her safe space, yet you showed no consideration and were tactless.
i don’t think you’re exactly an asshole.. but honestly as someone who is saving myself and also disagrees with purity culture, i would be pretty upset. sometimes a person chooses to do things with someone specifically because it’s more meaningful to be intimate with a person that feels “right” for them and while you might not share those views for some people sex is more fragile and meaningful to them. so honestly, if it was me i would’ve been pretty hurt. not everyone holds off on those things because they’re “supposed to” or they have to, although i don’t know your wife, it could’ve just been a vulnerable thing for her
That is a bit assholish’. However, at least you didn’t lie to her. Maybe just try to be a little less blunt and show some curiosity. E.G. “Why was that important to you”, “what do you wish I would have said”.
Personally, I am not really sure what “purity culture” is but it sounds kinda extreme to be 28 and a virgin. But that implicitly tells you it must be really important to her. She gave that up for you.
So what’s more important here, you being blunt, or her feelings appreciated or understood?
I am curious about one thing about the purity culture.
My nan’s aunt was part of that way of thinking she saved herself for marriage at 21 she was married for 6 months. Her husband died six months later. She never married again, took a vow of celibacy till she died in 1998.
Because she believed she saved herself for marriage, and once he died, she could never marry or sleep with anyone else. Because her body was only for her husband.
Do those who are part of that culture still believe this way ? So if you divorce or you die, will your wife become celibate?
No, you are NTA. Purity culture is really creepy. Being someone who’s older when purity culture or females were spoken about in male circles as virgins it was very predatory like someone obtaining someone’s virginity was a badge or a medal of honor for the male ego however you want to explain it.
I agree with you that purity culture is highly toxic and predatory especially for women. And it’s a way to control women and their sexuality and that’s absolute bullshit.
Share with your wife how much you love her and that if her saving herself for marriage and “the one” , which obviously is you, makes her feel good then you support that. But also let her know that she’s the prize not her virginity. I think you’ll be fine.
YTA
She didn’t even mention purity culture, you were the one who brought it up. She may be a little naive and old fashioned, maybe brought up by someone who instilled these values in her. And then you turn around and spit in her face. Apologise.
YTA
This wasn’t your first hint that virginity culture was important to her.
She believes she saved her most intimate self to share with you and only you. That’s not just fucking. It’s the whole package of total commitment, intimacy, love and trust.
You answered about fucking. Well, I have. And now I have you. And that’s good. While devaluing and negating the deeper meaning YOUR WIFE was talking about.
You couldn’t be a bigger asshole.
I think you already know YTA for the way you said it. You’re NTA for the sentiment, but it should have been pretty obvious how she’d react to the approach you used.
NYA but as others have said, the delivery could have been a bit better.
Also, as someone else mentioned, that is a pretty big orange flag, of belief differences. I would definitely sit down and discuss it. For example, if you have kids, how is sex and such going to be approached with them? As someone that came from a “you’re worse than chewed gum to your husband if you don’t save yourself” rearing, you should probably get on the same page.
Is this a repost because I just scrolled past another post that was almost exactly the same
Do you feel special that you are the man she chose to marry? If so, then tell her that when you apolagize. Explain that while you view her as a whole person and not just the summary of her sexual experiences, that you also understand that for her, choosing to wait until she found her one and only was a big deal, and that it means everything to you that you are her one and only.
NAH.
NTA. I wouldn’t want to marry a virgin. Imagine being with someone who is awful and inexperienced at sex. It’s just fucking weird.
How was this something that wasn’t discussed prior to marriage is beyond me.
You aren’t an asshole for feeling that way but YTA for how your expressed your feelings.
I would apologize to her for how you expressed yourself. “I love that we are together, and I appreciate that you wanted to do something special for me. I have a moral objection to purity culture, but that doesn’t devalue the fact that you love me and wanted to connect with me on a deeper level than you have with any other man. I’m sorry that what I said gave the appearance of devaluing that. It wasn’t my intention.”
Im going to say NTA because your wife asked you because she was looking for kudos for being a good little virgin, making her more special than any of the other women you had sex with. She needs to grow up a bit and understand her vagina didnt sparkle more than others because it was part of her personality
NAH but I think you should have reassured her that you’d love her the same no matter what because SHE has value not her virginity.
YTA, a little bit. Whether purity culture is right or wrong, you knew it was important to her. It’s not about right or wrong, it’s about knowing your spouse well enough not to hurt their feelings for no good reason
YTA for how you said it, but not for your opinion. Purity beliefs are toxic, misogynistic, and dangerous.
Look, I grew up in the Bible belt. I get where she’s coming from, and why she’s hurt, and I think you need to sit down with her to explain yourself while apologizing for the way you went about it.
At the same time, if you two are having children in the future, you need to find out now if she’s planning to pass these dangerous beliefs down to them.
YTA
While I agree with you, your delivery was pretty blunt, especially when this was clearly something important to her. This isn’t “am I right”, this is “am I the asshole,” and you were kind of an asshole about it
ESH. You have a right to your beliefs, but you definitely could have been nicer about that.
Yes, you are an AITA
Gentle YTA.
If she was raised in purity culture, you essentially just told your wife that something she was taught is her value as a human being was worthless.
I get that you believe purity culture is toxic and harmful to women (I do too), but you’re watching that damage play out in real time. To your wife.
I understand what you were trying to convey, but that is absolutely not what she heard.
Please seek marriage counseling with a non-religious counselor.
Ugh, ESH. Her for putting you on the spot like that when she has to have known beforehand that you didn’t GAF. You for being so blunt about it. She’s probably thinking about all the missed opportunities and regretting her life choices.
But by the same token, “saving” yourself, unless you’re doing it entirely and exclusively for yourself, is such a toxic mindset that her being forced to recon with it is a good and necessary thing. Women treating their bodies like a gift they give to men is so toxic.
Read The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti.
I would ask her questions to get to the root of the purpose of the question itself.
Because purity culture truly needs to be rooted in self; was it important for her to only be with one person? Did it bother her that you were more experienced? What is she looking for with prioritizing that component of the relationship, when you’re literally married to her? Is this something that a huge value to her and that she will be intent on teaching your shared family?
It’s not illegal to be a lame and judgmental. Being married does not mean you stop having areas in your life where you are those things. And ceaselessly and needlessly worrying about how other people use their genitals is pretty lame.
YTA – because you admitted that you married somebody for whom this was a big point of pride, and you seem to actually harbor ill feelings deep down, which you gladly let out when not sober.