so this is one of those situations where i think i’m justified, but my wife is saying i took it too far and now her whole family is pissed at me.
i’ve been married to my wife (29f) for about a year, together for five. everything’s been good overall, but her family is… intense. very tight-knit, very in-your-business type people. i’ve always tried to be respectful, even when they’re kind of overbearing.
so a couple weeks ago, her cousin (f25ish?) starts texting me out of the blue. just casual at first, like “hey how are you” kind of stuff. i thought it was a little odd, but whatever, we’ve all hung out before.
then it gets weird. she starts complimenting me a lot, sending selfies (nothing explicit but def flirty), and then eventually straight-up says “if you weren’t married, i’d totally go for you.” i shut it down immediately. told her it was inappropriate, reminded her i’m married to her cousin, and asked her to stop messaging me.
i screenshotted everything and showed my wife. she was shocked at first… but THEN tells me it was a “loyalty test” her family came up with to make sure i’m “really in it for the long haul.”
like??? they literally had her cousin hit on me to see if i’d cheat??
i told her that was completely messed up, and i’m not okay with being tested like some kind of lab rat. she tried to defend it like “they’ve had bad experiences” and “they just want to protect me.” i said i don’t care, that’s not how adults treat other adults, and i’m not gonna pretend like everything’s normal with them after that.
so when her parents invited us over for dinner last weekend, i said i wasn’t going. and i told her i don’t want any of them in our house right now either, not until they can acknowledge how out of line that was. she thinks i’m being dramatic and “starting a war over nothing.”
now her mom and aunt are blowing up her phone saying i’m trying to “drive a wedge” in the family and that i’m being cold and disrespectful.
but honestly? i feel like they disrespected me first. big time.
so… AITA for banning her family from the house after they tried to trap me in some weird fake cheating scenario? or am i overreacting?
Comments
NTA. I would stay away until they apologize.
Wasn’t this a trend on TikTok or Insta a while back?
Totally messed up. I think the family are the ones driving a wedge by pulling this crap. Might be worth asking her how she’d feel if you did this to her? And everyone in your friend group ands family were in on it.
I suspect her and the family would have a different tune if this was done to her.
Suggest you both go to couples counselling on this.
ESH – they were in the wrong and you should do your best not to be around them when you don’t want to be, but you share a home with your wife and it’s a group decision who can come and go. Not a unilateral choice made by one person over another. That’s not to say they should be allowed back but you need to have a genuine conversation about it with your wife, not just telling her how it’s going to be.
NTA
“hey since you allegedly tried to honeytrap me to test my fidelity and loyalty, at least, thats the story youre now spinning rather than cousinX trying to be a home wrecker – I decided, likewise, to test you in return, I gotta say, youre all failing that test miserably”.
NTA, they seem like a toxic bunch of immature idiots. The “test” was evidence of their poor judgement but doubling down to frame your perfectly reasonable reaction as problematic suggests there may be no recovering from it. Even worse, it sounds like your wife was in on it. If anything, I think you are under reacting, I would be considering separating.
NTA – ignore them for a month and then tell them sike, just wanted to test how youd react if you hurt my feelings. you failed 🙂
NTA and not overreacting. They have some screws loose and your wife should read them the riot act until they admit they were completely out of line and apologize sincerely. And the cousin should be cancelled.
NTA That is insane. Especially since you’ve already been together five years!
NTA. Fuck them. And fuck your wife too. It was totally a “them” against you, with your wife with “them”. How incredibly isolating and hurtful to you. Your wife is failing her loyalty test. Until they all acknowledge their hurtful tribe/outsider behavior, you should stick to your guns.
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NTA. I would avoid them from now on, except for really important gatherings where your wife would need you, like a funeral.
NTA always always always turn that around on them. “Sorry, but by putting me through that, you failed MY test. And you’re all awful people.”
Show your wife this post, if she isn’t stupid she will have a wake up call that she is running her marriage.
NTA but your biggest problem is your wife.
You need more information, did your wife know about it beforehand, if she did it’s a wife issue, especially if she’s telling you it’s not a big deal.
Did your MIL, FIL, Aunt in law etc. know about it beforehand? Because if everyone didn’t know beforehand then it wasn’t actually a test.
Did you actually confirm the cousin’s story or just believe it was true? Even if her family believe her and defend her they may not have actually known beforehand.
It sounds like you just believed the cousin and then took it out on the MIL and Aunt without any verification.
NTA. Tell them you were testing them to see if they could be good in laws that could handle being mature and respectful. Ooops looks like they failed. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Make it clear, THEY caused this rift in the family by doing this ignorant test shite, not you. And if things don’t get resolved and it continues to be a problem and you and your wife’s relationship fails, it will be because of them. So was this stupid test worth it in the end? Only to drive a wedge between a couple and their family?
NTA- That is some TOXIC behavior. Sounds like you have a Wife problem. She KNEW they were testing you and allowed that? This is red flag after red flag. Good luck OP, you’re going to need it. Tell them this was really THEIR loyalty test to see how welcoming and loyal they would be to their new family members. They failed. Make sure if anyone in the family brings a prospective newbie around you very loudly share this story at every family event. “Be careful [new person’s name] they’ll have [Cousin’s name] flirt with you to see if you’ll sleep with her to test your ‘loyalty’ and then act like that’s totally sane!”
NTA. But was your wife in on it? If so then I’d be more pissed at my wife than her family.
NTA. That’s some bullshit and illogical. Test itself is shit. Also,If they really wanted to protect your wife shouldn’t they have “tested” you BEFORE you got married? Like?
NTA. “If you feel like their “test” was acceptable and they do not owe me, and us as a couple, an apology, I’d like you to move out and live with them. I won’t be disrespected in my home or my marriage, including by my wife. This is the equivalent of me asking you for a paternity test out of nowhere. Please leave and don’t come back until you can acknowledge the difference between concern and manipulation.”
NTA – that was about as big of a show of their level of (or lack thereof) respect for you. You are completely in your right to give it back the way you got it from them.
Blowing up your phone hey?
NTA they drove the wedge now deal with it. They all need to grow up.
NTA, but this seems to be totally on your wife. If she knew it was coming she should have shut it down immediately, wtf
Nta but you have a wife problem. She allowed it. She is defending them and not you. She is showing you no loyalty. She does not have your back.
NTA. But the family is TA especially your wife who married you then decided “yeah I need to be sure he is here for the long haul. Like why did she even marry you? For laughs and giggles?
NTA, but your wife is for taking their side. Her family sounds crazy. If anything it will be them who drives a wedge between you and your wife and cause your marriage to fail.
She’d be divorced..
NTA. “Loyalty” tests are very reasonable grounds for NC.
NTA- but you have a wife problem. She KNEW what they were doing and did not stop it from happening and instead enabled their horrible behavior. I would not go anywhere near them until they apologize and your wife owes you a BIG apology as well.
NTA. And, this is actually a test of… your wife. Is she going to protect you from being abused by her family. At the moment, she is failing the test.
The people who drove a wedge in the family are the people who attacked you. It seems they are following up with some epic gaslighting.
These people are toxic. They are what they are they will not change. Apologies aren’t going to fix this. This is not just one incident. This is a demonstration of who and what they are. They have no sense of personal boundaries, and no sense of right and wrong. And, they seem to have a toxic enmeshment, where they are acting as a group, encouraging each other into more and more extreme behavior.
You made a mistake marrying into this family. Think carefully before you have kids.
NTA. So apparently your wife sees nothing wrong with it either. The absolute gall of all of them. I really don’t know what I’d do. For sure you will need to have some conversations with your wife, perhaps even couples counseling. She needs to understand your anger. You might need some outside advice on how to proceed with the family. This is going to take a bit to overcome.
Why is her family held to a different standard than your wife? She knew about it and are defending their actions. You have a SO problem you aren’t seeing.
They tried to drive a wedge into your family.
NTA but your wife definitely knew about it
Dude, you got a point, but you are making it in the wrong way, IMHO. Go to that dinner, specially if the cousin is going to be there, and call them all out PUBLICLY. Criticize their behavior to their faces. Pour it on. Make them cry if you can. Publicly demand an apology.
The problem with the way you are doing things is that you are putting your wife in the position of having to apologize for them.
NTA
I would bet 20 right now your wife was in on it if it was something we could for sure prove or disprove.
You, sir, don’t have a family issue. You have a wife issue. Her accepting this is why they accept it.
NTA… & maybe you should be thinking real hard about who your wife is or isn’t. Might want to “loyalty test her”.
Here’s a fun solution. When her family does come over, (as they certainty will) sit down with them and in a complete deadpan voice tell them all that you are now considering divorce. Ask them flat out, “Gosh, do you all think its a good idea that we get divorced? You’ve been testing me and and clearly not welcome in this family.” Then just shut up and listen carefully. People will say the most outrageous and stupid things when they are given the floor to speak freely.
NTA but if they offer an honest apology, and never do anything even remotely like this again, then you should let it go after that. Give them an out for your wife’s sake.
Tell your current wife ‘Relationships are built on trust. I no longer can trust them, as they have shown themselves to be duplicitous and manipulative. And you defending them is beginning to make me wonder if you were part of this, and if I can trust you. For this marriage to survive, we need therapy and boundaries. If you can’t accept that, than accept that you and your families actions have likely killed this marriage’
They are the wedge and they are insane! Who does this?!?!?
Tell your wife this is her loyalty test. She needs to tell her family this was highly inappropriate and you need an apology or she will need a break from them
NTA they drove the wedge. Just like we always get after the guys for pandering to mommy and daddy instead of listening to their wife.
Same thing. She needs to stand up for her partner and tell them how f’ed up that was.
NTA – your wife should back you up..sounds like she was in on it. Time to set boundaries and stick to them.
You have a wife problem, since she’s so on board with all they do. I wouldn’t want to see them ever again after that filthy, trashy stunt.
INFO. why is your age missing here? you stated both your wife’s and her cousin’s (even if you dont know it precisely) so it feels really weird that youre not stating yours
NTA I would make it very clear that the people driving a wedge between you are her family and I’d be ready to walk away if she doubles down. She needs to have a serious discussion with her family about how they have damaged her marriage, her relationship with her husband, and that it might be irretrievable. Totally on them.
NTA.. bunch of Tik Tok lovers thinking this the way adults should act
You are not affecting the family, they did with the test. Your wife included. I would question wife,s trust and loyalty for allowing this to take place. She as well as her family need to mend this not gaslight you into believing this is your problem. Any interaction with them going forward would be questionable and that is on them.
NTA
Dude. It’s not going to get any better unless the unconditionally acknowledge how wrong it was and apologize
How would they feel if you tested her loyalty?
In my opinion, people only use those “tests” because they are already pretty convinced the subject will fail. This is so f’ed up of her family, but it kinda shows you where you stand with them.
And sounds like your wife KNEW and didnt have a problem…. that says her priority is them over you.
Screw her family, but you and your wife needs to have some serious conversations if you want this marriage to last.
You have a much more serious problem with your wife. I’d guess she was in on the test right from the get go but won’t admit it because of your reaction to it. It’s very difficult to be in a marriage without trust.
The rest of her family are just background noise. Yes they suck and cutting them out of your life is the right move but if your wife put them up to it I think that’s what needs to be addressed. Her reaction to this whole thing is very wrong.
NTA, the one who failed the loyalty test was your wife with how she’s handling all this. You deserved to be treated better by her family and by her.
NTA. Honestly I think your wife was in on it. You might want to divorce her. They are all terrible and she is too.
I’ve learnt to spot the AI written stories on here very quickly.
They all have the same Easter Eggs.
Exactly. What if you had a guy do this to her— but no you wouldn’t even try it, because you are trustworthy, loyal & mature. Maybe your wife knew they were getting her cousin to do this?!
Either way pretty low for cousin to participate in parents’ plan in first place. These are all grown adults acting like gossipy middle schoolers.
Do you have children with this woman?! Be prepared. Nothing you do will be right in their minds. Wife has to choose future with you or immaturity with them.
Your wife does not trust you, she does not have your back or she wouldn’t have been roped into this loyalty test with her family, and would have shut it down the moment one of them even hinted at doing it.
Either your wife came up with it or they did, your wife, her cousin, and her family have disrespected you.
Either your wife grows a pair, stands up to her family, apologizes to you for her part, makes them apologize to you, and agrees to therapy, and counselling or you need to walk away from this marriage.
Firstly them going to these lengths to “test your loyalty” is weird af in and of itself, but why didn’t they test you BEFORE you got married? In their warped reality wouldn’t that have made more sense?
This is deeply concerning, especially the fact your wife seemingly knew and was just cool with her family trying to manipulate you? She’s complicit here too, don’t ignore that.
You arnt being dramatic and it’s not a war over nothing. It’s sneaky, it’s manipulative, it’s breaking trust.
Gaining reassurance and security comes from open and honest conversation, not whatever tf this was
Ummm….you have a wife problem since she was clearly in on it
Tell your wife her extended family failed your test, so to get a passing grade on your makeup test they need to admit they were wrong and apologize.
NTA, but your wife sure is. If she was complicit with the plan I would seriously rethink your situation.
Are you sure you want to stay in this marriage…
Love that on the gnarly traumatic ones where OP is pouring their heart out all I see is “AI slop” comments but this bullshit gets a free pass🤣
Gotta love Reddit.
Definitely not over reacting…. And it seems your wife was in on it.
Time to ask yourself if you want to deal with a family like that, cause they’re not going to change – they’re already trying to gaslight their way out.
Ask the wife of she knew?, I suspect she did
How a reverse sting on her see if she will take the bait ?
>i screenshotted everything and showed my wife. she was shocked at first… but THEN tells me it was a “loyalty test” her family came up with to make sure i’m “really in it for the long haul.”
NTA. This this childish & immature behavior. Instead of setting up these “Gotcha” moments they should have been adult enough to sit down & say “Look, we’re concerned about our girl X & We just want to make sure you’re on the up & up.” That probably would have gone over much better vs trying to catch you cheating in a made up scenario. While I think banning the family is a bit much, I can understand why you taking that stance.
I would tell them all to fuck off including your wife! If the are that deranged- you should walk away from that bullshit! That would be the hill for me! I would send your wife packing so fast her ass would hurt! Definitely NTA
Yeah…..
This is high school shit and none of them ever grew up.
INCLUDING your wife. She’s one of the them and may even have been in on it.
That’s all very unhealthy.
Couples therapy. Or divorce my dude.
AND KEEP YOUR DICK IN YOUR PANTS until you make a decision.
ALL of this BS gets much worse with children.
NTA
Tell her you’re going to see a lawyer to ask if it’s grounds for divorce. That might shake them up a bit but think this through… Consider how egregious the offense was to you (or not) and ask yourself if you want to end things right now. Because it may be that you haven’t just had it with her… It may be that you’ve had it with all of them.
As a group, her family doesn’t recognize how much damage they create with these intrusions. They need a reality check because by uniting, her family feels they’re in the right and that whatever they do as a family is justified. They need to see the level of harm they have created
Well your wife failed the loyalty test.
Well your wife failed the loyalty test.
NTA – wtf are they thinking?
It’s a little late to be wanting to see if you are a cheater? Waiting until you are already married to do this crap. It’s a shame they didn’t do this when you were dating or engaged to your wife, then you could have saved yourself the hassle and called off the wedding.
This is not the inlaws. This is your wife. She knew what was going on and was complicit in this plan and is now continuing to defend it.
NTA. These are consequences of their actions. You aren’t doing anything but reacting to their actions.
Make that clear to your wife, and call her out when she dismisses your feelings on this.
There’s a reason I’m being cold and disrespectful: it’s because I no longer respect you.
NTA
NTA.
More info: was your wife in on this? Based on her acceptance of her family’s actions, it seems like she was in on it out at least knew it might happen and didn’t try to shut it down.
NTA major breach of trust. Wife is messed up if she thinks this is ok. Show her this post for perspective. You lose trust and loyalty “testing” it like this. I would DEMAND an apology. If none is forthcoming you know your feelings and boundaries don’t matter and need to leave.
It’s your wife that’s the problem. You need to go no contact with her family and further more tell your wife you don’t want to hear their opinion on your withdrawal or on you at all for that matter.
I’d think long and hard before having kids with this family/wife combo.
NTA. Sorry to hear you got such a manipulative bunch of crap for in-laws.
I caught my ex-MIL volunteering to babysit our oldest if he would sleep with someone she preferred due to skin color.
I didn’t cut her off completely, but it took years of being very wary of her before it got better. We were married 22 years total and 2 more kids. And now, 13 years after the divorce, she still says I’m her favorite DIL.
You need to find a way to stay connected but guarded with them to keep peace in your own home, but that doesn’t mean you have to invite them in. Have dinner at restaurants, etc.
Good luck.
NTA
Tell your wife that she is currently failing your loyalty test. Her family didn’t trust you. And if she knew about it beforehand, she didn’t trust you either. You immediately ran to her when someone was crossing a boundary with her, but she is supporting those who crossed a boundary with you.
NTA.
Tell them you’re not banning her family from the house. You’re giving them an endurance test to see how long it will take them being banned from the house to realize that patronizingly testing people through manipulation is an awful thing to do and worthy of either an apology or grudge. Until an apology is provided, you’ll have to provide the grudge.
You are in the right. That being said, you need to go to the family events and be cordial.
They wanted to make sure you were in it for the long haul? Wasn’t that kinda implied when you said “I do”? Not only did your wife’s family disrespect you, so did she. She should have shut that shit down before it happened. Her knowing about it before hand and allowing it to happen says she doesn’t trust you. This is a truly shitty move on all of them. You are NTA, all of them are.
I would be re-evaluating your relationship with your wife. You should consider marriage counseling (as a requirement before reengaging with her family) so a trained third party can explain how screwed up this is.
NTA- Yhe fact that your wife is okay with this is troubling
When your wife defends her family’s horrid behavior tell her something like, “As you and your family are so into loyalty tests, how about you treat this as a loyalty test of you towards me? Your family disrespected me, treated me with rudeness and disdain, and out right humiliated me. So this is your test: are you going to support me, stand up for me, side with me, even against your family? Or are you going to keep siding with them and keep acting as if I have no right to feel the betrayal and disrespect that I feel from your family?”
Her response will be the most telling regarding your marriage. You passed their test, will your wife pass this one?
WHY DID SHE MAY YOU IF SHE DOESN’T TRUST YOU!
NTA! That’s manipulative, entitled, disrespectful behavior they put you through, and then don’t even give a proper apology. Their excuse is, “we just wanted to test you”. My response would have been “that’s a pretty pathetic excuse to disrespect me, but then again. EXCUSES ARE LIKE ASSHOLES. EVERYONE HAS ONE AND THEY ALL STINK”… Then smile and wave as you walk away. Again If she didn’t trust you, then why did she marry you? If she allows other people to come into your relationship and disrespect you like that (test you like a lab rat) and then tries to dismiss it (you’re feelings of betrayal) without a proper apology is highly disrespectful and you’re possibly doomed. Hold true to what you said about not going around them and not allowing them in your home… that’s your safe haven. The level of disrespect you received without a sincere proper apology warrants you staying away from manipulative, disrespectful people. How would she feel if the roles were reversed and your family treated her like that? No, this is not okay, if she did not trust you she shouldn’t have married you, and allowing her family to do this shows you who you’re dealing with and how much she respects you… it’s all just mind games. Good luck
NTA
NTA
This is not normal, healthy behavior on their part. Your wife and in-laws all owe you an apology. Tests are BS things that immature children learning how to act pull, not adults.
wait a minute. Your wife was shocked at first but then said it was a test. So, was she in on it and pretending to be shocked or did she hear from the cousin that was her story? Either the cousin made up a story after she got caught or a bunch of grown-ass adults exhibited horrible judgement and values. If the cousin made up this test idea, I can’t believe all of these people would believe her either.
If your wife was part of this “test”, she has more red flags than soviet union, take it from a guy a who ignored a walking politburo and had a child with her( cause I needed validation and she held sex from me otherwise and basically baby trapped me, I am still in this unhappy marriage of convenience for my kid ), never initiate having kids with this woman.
Conspiring with multiple people to test one single person let alone your spouse is downright cruel, if she works on her with join counselling then salvage it, people do change but if she does not thing what she and her family is not wrong in the slightest, cut your loses you’re still young.
Family “we don’t trust your husband”, who you have been with for YEARS.
Correct answer from your wife “I trust him”
Wrong answer “yeah let’s see if he will cheat”
A little truth goes a long way. You could go and then ask, “So how is the family homewrecker this fine day?”
Old McFakepost had a farm, AI-AI-O. Now they’re blowing up my phone..
Yta for not divorcing your wife over this. She would be raising hell if it was your family doing this.
Tests like this are immature and shows a total lack of respect for you.
Well I’d be rethinking the marriage given your wife knew and is fine with them manipulating you . Shows they will do anything with you on the outside .
Tell your wife she just failed her loyalty test and you can’t trust her anymore
Wait, so was your wife in on it or aware that it was going on? That’s seriously messed up if she was.
Updateme
They’re the ones trying to drive a wedge, by any means necessary apparently, and your wife is complicit. Think hard about this. NTA
OP, ask that cousin how much she charges for “testing” services and how far along she will take the test to ?
/s.
NTA okay okay, you were a bit cold, but especially the aunt and cousin are the disrespectful ones here.
That’s…..INSANE! What would your partner have done if the script was flipped and you tested them!? I’ll bet they’d have THE EXACT SAME REACTION!!!!
Why spend time with people who don’t trust you? I mean, they’re not some secret brotherhood that you’re trying out for. This wasn’t a secret handshake initiation you signed up for. This was a personal test of your relationship and marriage vows! And your wife was in on it!!!!????
Make it make sense….😳😢😭
There’s been previous posts of this nature where one spouse was tested by the family and guess what??? The relationship didn’t last!
NTA – UpdateMe!
Whoa, I agree, her family are AH’s. But you have a huge wife problem. She knew about it. Was in on it. Was ok with it.
That’s a huge betrayal and breach of trust. I’d be re-evaluating my whole relationship after learning that.
NTA- and I would tell your wife and her family that if they NEED to test you then there is no trust and no trust means you are getting a divorce.