I 23f have an older brother, Drew, 26m who is getting married at the end of this summer. To say it lightly me and his fiance, Lacy, 25f, do not get along. She’s very stuck up and has made some snide comments to me and my younger brother, Max, 16m. For context Max has always been the black sheep of the family. He is very academically and artistically talented but my father and mother are disappointed in his lack of sports (cliche I know), not to mention they’ve favored my sister, his twin, Caroline, 16f. Max and Lacy were civil for awhile but I guess I haven’t seen them speak in a long time for reasons unknown to me.
The problem occurred last night when I was asking Lacy about the wedding and how the planning was going. She started telling me her seating chart and showing me what she had planned, I was looking at the chart and Max’s name was nowhere to be found. I don’t love Lacy but I’m not going to assume the worst of her, so I asked her where Max’s name was and she got suddenly quiet. ” He’s not going to be there”, she said. “You mean not in the wedding party?”, I ask. “No, he’s not invited”, she said it so calmly I’d assume she was talking about the weather. I kept asking her why she wouldn’t invite him but invited Caroline. She just said that she feels Caroline is more mature because she is a girl.
This wedding isn’t going to be child free, Lacy has stated this multiple times. I have many little cousins who are being invited, since family is very important to us. Not inviting Max makes no sense. He is a very nice kid, and very mature for his age. Much more mature than Caroline. He never causes problems but like I mentioned earlier, there are some big issues with him not following Drew’s and my dad’s footsteps in football. I know Lacy is very desperate for my family’s approval so maybe outlining Max is the way to do it for her but I have a feeling there’s something more to it.
After what Lacy said about not inviting Max, I stood up and started yelling at her for not including Max.She kind of just ignored what I was saying but when I escalated, Drew came over. As he was walking over she started to cry and make a bigger scene about it. Drew knelt down to comfort her and gave me dirty looks. Once she was inside he turned to me and started yelling at me about being rude to her, when she is under so much stress from planning the wedding and trying to get my family to like her. I understand that my family is closed knit and kind of not welcoming to newcomers but that doesn’t excuse her behavior and I told my brother so. I asked him why he didn’t want to invite Max and he just told me to stay out of it (Classic move of him). He called me an asshole for treating Lacy like that, then walked out. We haven’t spoken since last night.
I understand that yelling at her was a bit much and i could have handled the situation differently, but i am sick of seeing Max being left out and treated badly. I don’t want to fight with Drew, but I’m standing my ground for Max’s sake, Max also doesn’t know about any of this yet and I’m hesitant to tell him. My parents have stayed out of it so far but Drew is still set on being mad at me. AITA?”
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I 23f have an older brother, Drew, 26m who is getting married at the end of this summer. To say it lightly me and his fiance, Lacy, 25f, do not get along. She’s very stuck up and has made some snide comments to me and my younger brother, Max, 16m. For context Max has always been the black sheep of the family. He is very academically and artistically talented but my father and mother are disappointed in his lack of sports (cliche I know), not to mention they’ve favored my sister, his twin, Caroline, 16f. Max and Lacy were civil for awhile but I guess I haven’t seen them speak in a long time for reasons unknown to me.
The problem occurred last night when I was asking Lacy about the wedding and how the planning was going. She started telling me her seating chart and showing me what she had planned, I was looking at the chart and Max’s name was nowhere to be found. I don’t love Lacy but I’m not going to assume the worst of her, so I asked her where Max’s name was and she got suddenly quiet. ” He’s not going to be there”, she said. “You mean not in the wedding party?”, I ask. “No, he’s not invited”, she said it so calmly I’d assume she was talking about the weather. I kept asking her why she wouldn’t invite him but invited Caroline. She just said that she feels Caroline is more mature because she is a girl.
This wedding isn’t going to be child free, Lacy has stated this multiple times. I have many little cousins who are being invited, since family is very important to us. Not inviting Max makes no sense. He is a very nice kid, and very mature for his age. Much more mature than Caroline. He never causes problems but like I mentioned earlier, there are some big issues with him not following Drew’s and my dad’s footsteps in football. I know Lacy is very desperate for my family’s approval so maybe outlining Max is the way to do it for her but I have a feeling there’s something more to it.
After what Lacy said about not inviting Max, I stood up and started yelling at her for not including Max.She kind of just ignored what I was saying but when I escalated, Drew came over. As he was walking over she started to cry and make a bigger scene about it. Drew knelt down to comfort her and gave me dirty looks. Once she was inside he turned to me and started yelling at me about being rude to her, when she is under so much stress from planning the wedding and trying to get my family to like her. I understand that my family is closed knit and kind of not welcoming to newcomers but that doesn’t excuse her behavior and I told my brother so. I asked him why he didn’t want to invite Max and he just told me to stay out of it (Classic move of him). He walked out then and we haven’t spoken since last night.
I don’t want to fight with Drew, but I’m standing my ground for Max’s sake, Max also doesn’t know about any of this yet and I’m hesitant to tell him. My parents have stayed out of it so far but Drew is still set on being mad at me AITA?”
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NTA. Tell your parents and make them understand how it’s unfair that Max is the only one not invited to the wedding in your whole family. Honestly it doesn’t even make sense considering that this isn’t a child-free wedding, so the whole argument of Caroline being “more mature than Max” doesn’t even hold up. Confront her with your parents and Max there. She doesn’t need to include max in the wedding party but just not inviting him is a really low move. Make your brother understand this too. Hope y’all resolve this soon and Max also attends the wedding!🤞🏻
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am being called an asshole by my brother Drew and his Fiance. This is because I yelled at her for not inviting my younger brother to their wedding. I get that yelling was a bit much but I am trying to do what is right. I would like to know if i am this asshole for this action.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Your loyalty to your brother Max is admirable. Remember, a wedding is a celebration of love and unity, not a platform to express contempt or favoritism.
INFO have you asked your parents if they know why Max is being excluded? As while It is unlikely, it’s possible there is a reason you don’t know, but 99% probability NTA.
NTA. I feel similar to Max when it comes to my relationship with my own family and I wish I had a sibling like you to stick up for me tbh.
Your family needs to stand in unison – all siblings are invited. Period. Uou will definitely get some pushback. Be clear to everyone this is ridiculous to exclude one brother. Be a very loud, advocate for him. Don’t back down one bit. If she wants to be accepted, she needs to be accepting of others.
NTA, but you’re yelling at the wrong person. The person you should be having a go at is your older brother. He should be the one making sure Max is included. Frankly, if my family behaved like this, I would be standing in solidarity with Max, declining my wedding invitation and taking him on a nice day out the day of the wedding
NTA
But: instead of causing useless drama, rsvp NO, and have a nice evening with your brother somewhere else.
NTA
honestly no matter what happens i say skip the wedding and take the kid to 6 flags or something. what a family jeez. thank god the kid has you
It feels like we’re missing some context. The OP’s brother simply not being interested in sports as reason why he is the black sheep makes no sense. There has to be a huge piece of the story that’s missing. Supposedly, Lacy was very calm and OP started to tell at her. It feels off. I’d want to know more. Is she trying to keep the wedding small? Maybe she doesn’t want think there for another reason?
loving your protective vibe, keep it up
NTA. What’s she’s doing is unfair. Stand with Max and don’t show up or get them a gift. Put the word out there to the rest of your extended family that she is excluding him for no reason. They should be aware that they are supporting her shitty behavior towards a kid if they go.
Caroline know that Max is not invited? Wouldn’t it be something if none of the siblings attend the wedding.
I believe it’s completely out of line to invite many others younger people and not him. This is a wedding and immediate family should be invited. The kid is academic smart and that’s his sport and they should be proud of him. Your brother is wrong for not inviting his brother. Also your parents should be supporting Max. Their priorities are mixed up
Don’t go. There’s no point. You’re a good sister and NTA
He’s not inviting HIS OWN BROTHER TO HIS WEDDING?
This isn’t even about Caroline. This is about your brother.
Jesus CHRIST>
NTA but YWBTA if you go to that wedding while Max is made to miss out.
This is vile.
Your whole family should be shamed. Publicly and harshly. Honestly, if at all possible you should try to remove Max from this living situation. Are you capable of becoming his guardian? Is there other extended family members who might be? This is an incredibly emotionally abusive environment that is, and will be continue to be, very detrimental to him.
You weren’t wrong for yelling. Get louder, if necessary.
Sounds like you and Max should plan a really fun sibling outing elsewhere that weekend. NTA
ESH, your intention is honorable, but what’s bothersome about this is the blame and anger at her. This is your Brother’s wedding too, his little brother too. Ultimatly he’s the PROBLEM too. He’s who you should be angry at. Stop overlooking his responsibility in all of this.
NTA but your parents, Dave, and Lacey all suck. they certainly don’t have to invite the groom’s younger brother, but inviting both other siblings, and haven’t even told him yet, is shitty behavior and says all anybody needs to know. Why are your parents okay with only Max being excluded? because if they’re “staying out of it” they’re not defending him and have chosen a side
INFO You seem to have implied that since your brother is the black sheep of the family that this this treatment actually stems from your parents. Is this the case? Do your parents know their son isn’t being invited to a family wedding? Lots of information is missing here.
NTA and take Max on a nice trip during the wedding. It’s up to them to explain why / siblings opted out.
Maybe you and Max can have a mini vacation together the day of the wedding. Let them know that you stand with Max and won’t sit by and see him excluded. How close image to his twin? Is she comfortable with him being left out?
I’ll just say people can invite whomever they want to their wedding.
NTA
Max has done nothing to deserve being treated like this.
That said, screaming at someone rarely helps. It also seems like your anger should more be directed at your brother. This is his wedding and his brother – he should be insisting on Max’s attendance.
NTA. You should nor have yelled but you are NTA. You can’t change another person behavior you can only change yours. I would suggest not going to the wedding. I would suggest telling your soon to be SIL. That you will not be going unless Max is there and that you will be telling the extended family why you are not at the wedding before the wedding occurs.
The potential problem now is that even if Max gets invited and then finds out that he was only invited under pressure, he will forever feel that he is / was not really welcome at the wedding.
You appear to be the only one in the family who is sensitive enough to understand this. Good for you
As others have suggested, perhaps you should tell them now that if Max is excluded, you will not come either
Seems like something your brother should be dealing with and if he is okay with his own brother not attending I would want to hear it from him instead. And if he doesn’t have a good reason I am curious why you would want to be there either.
Nta. Keep escalating. Loudly boycott the wedding. Make sure the boomers are aware of the situation.
ESH:
You for losing your temper.
Lacy for being rude to Max.
Most of all, your brother Drew for not inviting his own brother, Max.
Your parents for being who they are.
The only ones not an AH here are Drew and maybe Caroline.
NTA, and I’d rescind my RSVP to Drew’s face. If he won’t stick up for his own brother who didn’t even do anything wrong, as far as we know, then that’s not the kind of brother I’d support, and I’d include, “I hope for your sake she’s worth it.” Then, I’d go low/no contact with Drew and his fiancé.